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Lexx 2.07 Love Grows
(written by Jeffrey Hirschfield)

(The Lexx flies through space. 790 is alone on the bridge, spouting poetry as usual)

790: I dream about your fragrance, and the splendour of your caress
But most of all I dream about my life under your dress
So when will we get naked, and ride on the rocket of love?
When will I taste your sweet plum pie, my red haired pumpy dove?

(Suddenly an image appears on the view screen - it's a sleazy video. Three girls, walking around a topless guy)

GIRLS: Oh - I see the handyman's come to fix things
Welcome to the planet Orgasmos
Are you ready to work?
He's ready
Are you sure he's up to it?
Oh, he's up to it all right
Then come on girls - let's open his toolbox
Our machinery is top of the line
It needs constant maintenance
Attention to detail!
Specialised parts!
In fact, I think all systems require a complete overhaul
Connections need tightening
Gears need changing
It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it, and do it, and do it!

(790 watches, ginning. Out in space, someone else is watching the video - a slightly unkempt guy, chewing on a toothpick in the cockpit of a spaceship - the Stripper. Then the screen goes blank, as someone ejects the tape)

REXEL: What'd you do that for?

(A plain older woman in unflattering overalls draws curtains aside and enters the cockpit)

LORCA: Tell me Rexel - are all men pigs?
REXEL: Oink!
LORCA: I remind you that you are on duty, and your vile little films are unauthorised use of the communications equipment. Try studying the standard operating charter sometime

(Stan walks onto the bridge of the Lexx)

STAN: So, er - anything interesting on the old screen there, robot?
790: Not a thing - captain (grins)
STAN: OK. Good. Good

(Stan walks away. 790 chuckles to himself)

(On the Stripper, Lorca checks a monitor. The captain is also in the cockpit, though he's currently concentrating on plucking his nose hairs)

LORCA: Captain Jebed
JEBED: Something bothering you, Lorca?
LORCA: Only the fact that the monitor indicates that we are illegally crossing the boundary into restricted space
JEBED: What? I had no idea. Rexel, you're fired

(Jebed doesn't care. Neither does Rexel)

REXEL: Again?
LORCA: We are towing category 13 biohazard material, captain. Transport rule 5 provides strict penalties for those who transport category 13 material outside approved corridors
JEBED: Look - whatever this cargo is, the clients want it disposed of fast. They're paying extra, and I'm accommodating them
LORCA: I will report this to the transport authority
JEBED: The transport authority? You mean the client

(Rexel laughs, as does Jebed. Lorca walks away, and we get a proper look at the Stripper - it's a ship that looks a lot like a truck, with a picture of a naked woman riding a rocket on the side. Attached is a very long cable, at the end of which is a container trailer shaped like a triangle/prism. There's a rather ominous painting on the back, of a skull with green stuff shooting out of the eyes and a crack on top of the skull)

(Stan walks into Xev's bedchamber - she's sitting on the bed, filing her nails on a piece of bone)

STAN: OK Xev - what's it gonna take? To get you into bed. State your terms, come on. I'll do anything
XEV: Stan, you're so - forward
STAN: Oh no. No no. It's called desperate. Look, I can't help it, I'm going out of my mind, jumping out of my skin - and don't tell me you aren't too
XEV: Oh, I am. Believe it
STAN: So? (smiles)
XEV: So -(she blows on her nails) No
STAN: Look - pretend I'm Kai, OK? I don't care. Xev - we've been out here forever, I need some love!
XEV: I know - and if I could, I would, but - one look at you, and I can't
STAN: (sighs) OK, look, look, see - we don't have to touch, OK? Except when we have to touch, all right? Oh, give me something Xev, please!
XEV: I'm sorry Stan. I'm not getting what I want either. Life is unfair

(He leaves. Xev starts filing her toenails. Stan goes to the bridge, gets up on the pedestal)

STAN: Ladies of the universe! I am Stan - your man - Tweedle. I am a superior example of the male human species, the guy who knows how to provide - shall we say (he wiggles his tongue) the ultimate in sexual ecstasy
790: You mean simpering idiocy!

(Stan swings from the pedestal, jumps down onto the floor)

STAN: Ladies - the word is love, and I, am the word. Whisper it soft, shout it strong, but Stanley's all night long, Stanley! Yes!

(Xev walks into the cryochamber, operates the controls which open Kai's cryopod. He leans forward as she walks to the pod)

XEV: I wanna do it
KAI: Do what?
XEV: It! I wanna do it, with you
KAI: I suspect that you mean sex?
XEV: Exactly
KAI: My sex organ, has not functioned for over 2000 years
XEV: (smiles) My sexual organ has never functioned (she steps up onto the cryopod) and we both have a lot of catching up to do
KAI: Xev, you are clearly - desirable, and beautiful, but now to me sex is just an intellectual concept
XEV: I don't care if you're dead

(She lifts his arm up, puts it on her shoulder, but it slips off)

XEV: I don't care if you can only appreciate this in your mind, but I have a hyperactive libido and I need you now!

(Xev squeezes his lips between her fingers, but gets no reaction. She lets go, sadly)

XEV: I can't do this alone
KAI: I can't do it at all

(Xev moves back, upset)

XEV: I hate you (steps down) I hate you!

(She runs out of the cryochamber. Kai leans forward, watching her go)

(On the bridge, Stan is on the pedestal, bored. 790 is yawning)

STAN: Respond, somebody, respond! I mean come on, I'm sure you've all had far worse than me - probably not that hot yourselves. So contact me, come on, let's go! Lexx - keep listening for any incoming signals, I want to hear anything, and I mean anything, that may sound intelligent
790: So that you can try to learn what intelligence is
STAN: Understand, Lexx?
LEXX: Yes I do, Stan

(Stan settles down for a nap)

(On the Stripper, Lorca sits in a chair which goes up into a glass observation bubble. She checks on a monitor)

COMP: Scanner now online. All systems functioning

(In the cockpit, Rexel has put his tape back on, and is watching with Jebed)

GIRLS: Oh no, the last of the men is dead. What are we gonna do? We must have more men
Lots of men. Hot, hard men - all the time!
I need a man right now

(And Lexx picks up the signal)

LEXX: I have encountered an intelligent signal Stan. Stan. Stan

(Stan wakes up)

STAN: Wha, what, what you got?
LEXX: I have encountered an intelligent signal Stan
STAN: Oh (coughs) OK, let's hear it

(Lexx plays Stan a scene from the video. One of the women is speaking into a strangely shaped microphone)

GIRL: Emergency - this is a distress call from the planet Orgasmos. We need men to come here

(Stan smiles, and gets down from the pedestal)

GIRL: We need men to serve our lust. Here are the co-ordinates for our planet - Labial sector, quadrant Oral, parallel 69 point 69. Plunge 90 degrees deep -

(The picture is interrupted by static, and disappears)

STAN: Lexx - can you tell me what direction that signal came from?
LEXX: Yes I can, Stan
STAN: Well, head straight for it. Fast!
LEXX: As you command, Stan
STAN: Fast as you can. Faster than you can!
790: (quietly) Joy can be found in the little things of life (grins)

(On the Stripper, Jebed and Rexel are still watching)

JEBED: Really, I love it
GIRL: - at 45 degrees. If you feel resistance, thrust it again. Keep thrusting, do not stop -
REXEL: Me too, captain sir. Only thing better than action is more action

(Lorca is listening to this in the bubble)

LORCA: Do the words pathetic disgusting male lowlifes have any resonance for you?
JEBED: Lowlifes, that hurts. Pathetic and disgusting I'm entirely comfortable with

(Rexel laughs at this)

LORCA: Captain, I'm getting something on the scanner - some kind of magnetic disturbance. Probably an ion field
JEBED: Visual?
LORCA: Negative, but I don't like it
JEBED: No visual, no issue

(The monitor shows static. Lorca taps at it - and suddenly the space ahead of them is filled with blue white electric crackles)

LORCA: There's your visual!

(The Stripper runs into the field - and sticks. Jebed is thrown forward. The cable towing the trailer starts wobbling)

LORCA: We gotta blow the trailer
LORCA: It's gonna smash into us! Blow it!
JEBED: No, we don't deliver, we don't get paid!

(Jebed straps into his seat)

JEBED: Put her in reverse. We gotta get a run at this thing

(The engines roar. The Stripper pulls back from the field - and the trailer is heading straight for them)

JEBED: Hold her steady. Build up some power, then when I say go, put the pedal to the metal. I'll blow the escape pod at the same time. That ought to give us enough thrust to break through
REXEL: Crazy!
JEBED: Maybe so

(The engines flare again. The trailer is closer now)

JEBED: Build up some thrust - steady, steady. Wait, wait
LORCA: Hurry!
JEBED: Vital signs are down. I'm blowing the pod

(He hits a button, and the pods blast away. Rexel puts his foot down, and the Stripper shoots forward through the ion field - but the trailer gets stuck. The Stripper is pulled backwards - and then the trailer breaks through the field and hurtles towards them. They have just enough time to scream before it hits them. A cloud of pink gas escapes from the trailer. Jebed and Rexel are out cold on the cockpit floor. Air is venting around them)

COMP: Hull breach, engine room. Gas leak, cargo trailer. Hull breach, engine room. Gas leak, cargo trailer. Damage to main engine. Damage to guidance thrusters. Damage to air supply. Hull breach, engine room. Gas leak, cargo trailer. Gas leak, cargo trailer

(Jebed comes round, gets up and hits a button. He then passes out, so doesn't notice the gas entering the cockpit, leaving fine pink particles on their skin)

COMP: Hull breach secured. Gas leak terminated. Hull breach secured. Gas leak terminated. Damage to main engine. Damage to guidance thrusters. Damage to cargo trailer. Hull breach, engine room. Damage to guidance thrusters

(Meanwhile, on the Lexx - )

STAN: Lexx! Lexx, are we any closer to the source of that signal yet?
LEXX: I think so
STAN: OK. Right then, you got it straight huh? Now look, when we get there, we gotta - dive in at 90 degrees and, and thrust through something - damp, a swamp, a - oh no no no, something about two moons? Er, oh, I can't remember!
790: And I can't wait

(The Stripper. The trailer cable is flapping, sparks are still flying. Jebed and Rexel wake up, hear Lorca's voice)

LORCA: Captain Jebed? Rexel? Are you there? Are you all right?
JEBED: Lorca - report. How's the trailer?
LORCA: There's some damage, but the trailer seems OK. I'm fine too, thank you for asking

(Jebed brushes at the pink dust on his arm)

JEBED: What is this stuff?
REXEL: Some kinda leaked cargo?

(Rexel panics, brushing off face, hands)

JEBED: Doubt it. It's category 13 material, I expect we'd be dead by now

(An alarm starts to sound. Rexel checks a scanner)

REXEL: Maybe we are
JEBED: What the hell is that?
REXEL: I don't know, but it looks like a really big bug and it's coming straight for us

(Xev walks onto the bridge. Stan is pacing back and forth, humming happily to himself)

XEV: Hey, what's up with you?
STAN: You know Xev - some guys like fleshy women, and other guys like 'em small and thin for that wraparound effect. See, the smart shopper should look for what is most satisfying each day. Now see, as a man of many and varied tastes, well, that's gonna be my approach
XEV: I think you've finally lost your mind

(The Lexx is heading straight for the Stripper, which is tiny in comparison)

JEBED: Veer left
REXEL: Veering with us
JEBED: Right, right!
REXEL: Still on us. I can't shake it! It's not working!
JEBED: Look out! Look out!

(Lorca screams. Rexel screams, and pulls on the horn. The Lexx gobbles them up with a chomping sound)

STAN: What was that, Lexx?
LEXX: I adjusted my course slightly to consume a snack

(The Stripper is floating - or rather sinking - in grey liquid in a huge dark cavern - one of the Lexx's stomachs)

JEBED: Abandon ship!

(They all head for the escape hatch)

LORCA: The hatch is jammed!

(The bridge. Xev is on the floor holding 790. Stan gets up on the pedestal)

STAN: So Lexx - how're we doing?
LEXX: The snack was not very tasty
STAN: Oh well, too bad Lexx. Look - did you find the source of that signal yet? We've got to find that planet!

(Xev gets up)

XEV: What planet?
STAN: One that I found. I'm going there, and I'm gonna have an extremely good time. We can find a necrophilia planet for you, drop you off
XEV: (hurt) Drop you on the floor!

(She puts 790 down)

LEXX: The signal is no longer being transmitted, Stan
STAN: Well - well, you gotta relocate it. Orgasmos, this is Stanley Tweedle. Verify your location. I'm a functioning man, I've got what you need! Come in!

(Xev leaves)

(On the Stripper, Rexel finally gets the hatch open. He gets out, Lorca and Jebed follow)

JEBED: Come on, come on, let's go!

(They look around them in amazement. Liquid gurgles as the trailer sinks, a cloud of pink gas escaping. They jump from the Stripper onto the slope of the stomach wall, before the Stripper sinks as well)

REXEL: So, er, have I got this right - we're inside a bug kinda thing?
JEBED: Yeah, you got that right - and that's where we're gonna get out - up there

(He points to a hole high up above in the ceiling)

LORCA: Congratulations. You succeeded in getting us killed
JEBED: Not yet

(Rexel suddenly goes into a spasm, head and hands shaking - then it passes)

REXEL: That's never happened before
JEBED: OK. Come on, let's go

(They start climbing the stomach wall. There's a nice transition to Xev on her bed, wearing a towel. She rubs her arms, then picks up a mirror. She looks at her face, strokes it, holds the mirror to her chest - then there's another nice transition back to the Stripper crew, still climbing. Jebed goes into a spasm, then recovers)


(The Lexx gurgles)

STAN: What was that noise?
LEXX: I feel an upset in my digestive system
STAN: Oh, well, really sorry to hear that Lexx, but right now we've got more important problems to contend with, like that planet Orgasmos signal and how you lost it, and how the hack we're gonna get it back

(The Lexx's stomach starts shaking)

JEBED: Hang on! Rexel, get your knife. Start cutting

(The two men start hacking at the stomach wall)

JEBED: Hurry!

(The liquid in the stomach starts frothing. Rexel crawls through the hole he's made. Jebed slips, but sticks his knife into the stomach wall to hang on)

JEBED: Lorca, go! Go on, go!

(Lorca makes it through the hole. Jebed climbs up and follows her)

JEBED: Move, come on, move!

(He gets out just as the Lexx opens an orifice, and spews the trailer out into space. Stan watches this on the view screen)

STAN: What are you doing now?
LEXX: Expelling the toxins that were irritating my digestive system, Stan
STAN: Oh, that's nice Lexx, but can we get some focus back now? Orgasmos, Lexx. Orgasmos, Orgasmos, Orgasmos!

(Somewhere inside the Lexx, Lorca tears through a membrane)

LORCA: We're never gonna get through this, it's hopeless

(The others follow her. Rexel hacks through another membrane, sticks his head though the hole, and sees an endless echoing Lexx passageway)

REXEL: Hello?

(Stan is now slumped on the pedestal in despair)

STAN: Orgasmos. Orgasmos?

(Xev walks slowly onto the bridge)

XEV: Stan?
STAN: What?
XEV:(sighs) I'm ready
STAN: Huh?

(He looks at her)

790: Xev! What are you saying?!
XEV: 790, off!

(790 screams, but switches off)

XEV: Look - I can't hold out any longer. Take me before I change my mind

(Stan gets up)

STAN: Don't toy with me Xev. I can't take it

(Xev walks over to him, holds his hand)

XEV: Can you take this?

(She pushes his hands onto her breast - love the squeaky toy sound!)

STAN: (gasps) Er - yeah. Yeah. Oh, Xev - we're gonna rock the heavens. You won't regret this
XEV: I already do. Now shut up and kiss me

(She trips Stan, and he lands on his back. Xev starts to undo his uniform, while Stan runs his hands down her body, onto her thigh. He laughs, and nibbles on her arm, not realising that the Stripper crew are on the bridge. The men are watching, and smiling)

STAN: Oh, more more more more

(He suddenly realises they have an audience)

STAN: Stop

(Xev looks up, sees the visitors)

REXEL: Er, ma'am - any chance of me getting some of that?

(Jebed elbows him in the chest)

(Later. Stan is showing a towel clad Lorca the shower. The nozzle swings back and forth, and she watches it, suspiciously)

STAN: Um - shower works pretty good. You just, er - give the ball a squeeze and, er (he's lost for words) that thing - squirts on you
LORCA: Thank you
STAN: Say, er - did you guys, when you were on your ship like, you know, before Lexx ate it - did you happen to pick up a signal from a planet called Orgasmos?
LORCA: Not to my knowledge. Orgasmos? It's really called that?
STAN: Yeah, yeah, Orgasmos, yeah. Yeah, I'm sure, very sure
LORCA: No. I'm sorry
STAN: OK. Well, I - get yourself cleaned up
LORCA: It's OK. I'm comfortable with my body
STAN: OK, yeah, sure

(Stan waves, and leaves. Lorca touches the nozzle warily, pulls a face)

(Later, everyone is in the galley. Xev is playing hostess, handing bowls of food to Jebed and Rexel)

XEV: Your ordeal must have left you gentlemen very - hungry
REXEL: Starved, ma'am
JEBED: Ravenous. Mmm - delectable
REXEL: Delightful. Aren't you having any ma'am?
XEV: Oh, not quite yet. Once I start, I can't - stop

(She smiles. Jebed licks his fingers)

STAN: Don't I get any?
XEV: Serve yourself, Stan. It's our guests who require - hospitality

(Stan sulkily walks past her and gets some food)

LORCA: So, we lost our ship, we lost our cargo and we almost lost our lives - all because our captain can't play by the rules
JEBED: Yeah, well I don't like rules, but - I like to play

(He looks at Xev. She smiles)

KAI: What was your cargo?
LORCA: The worst kind. Probably experimental gene drugs gone wrong
KAI: What drugs exactly?
LORCA: They don't say. Category 13 is all you have to know. I just hope they don't damage your vessel
STAN: The Lexx can digest just about anything

(He looks pointedly at the men)

REXEL: Aren't you eating, mister?

(He leaves the galley)

STAN: The dead don't eat. So - how did you guys miss that signal, that distress signal from the planet Orgasmos?

(Jebed and Rexel laugh. Stan smiles, confused)

STAN: What's so funny?
REXEL: It's a film, mister. It's Bring Me To Hot Orgasmos, part 4
JEBED: Best of the series so far
REXEL: Like a girlie video thing, it was playing on the Stripper before your ship ate us
STAN: A video?

(They laugh again. Xev licks her fingers)

JEBED: Well, it's, er - it's hot in here
XEV: Yes. Sometimes it gets very - humid, too
JEBED: Sticky heat

(Xev runs a finger along her thigh)

XEV: Very sticky. Moist
LORCA: Oh, brother
REXEL: Big ship

(Xev licks her finger again)

XEV: Yes. Big
XEV: Big, and very - long

(Xev smiles. She's completely ignoring Stan, who sucks his own fingers)

XEV: Are you ready for some more?
JEBED: Oh, I'm - I'm ready

(Xev leans forward to take his bowl)

JEBED: Just a second

(He puts his hands around hers, and there's a purple glow)

JEBED: I like to lick it

(He licks his bowl clean, then sucks Xev's thumb, making yummy noises. Rexel quickly starts licking his own bowl, as does Stan. Lorca looks disgusted)

LORCA: I'm feeling sick. I think I'll retire

(She walks past Stan, looks at him)

XEV: Stanley, I think you should be on the bridge

(Stan throws his bowl down)

STAN: Why?
XEV: Because you have to fly the Lexx
STAN: The Lexx can fly itself
XEV: Gentlemen - would you please assist Stan with his responsibilities?

(Jebed looks at Rexel)

REXEL: Yes ma'am

(He gets up and moves to take Stan's arm, but Stan grabs his hand - doesn't notice the purple glow)

STAN: Ah ah ah! You know, she used to be ugly. She was a cow! She got transformed into a love slave - only it didn't work. Not at all!

(He leaves the galley)

XEV:(yawns) I'm so sleepy. I think I may have to go and lay down in my bed. Will you boys be OK?
XEV: Oh - we have a problem with cockroaches here. Cockroaches make me crazy. Could one of you come with me and check the mattress?

(Jebed gets up)

JEBED: Captains first

(Xev strokes Rexel's chin. Jebed pats his head)

XEV: Navigators second. Cockroaches are a constant problem

(Xev and Jebed leave. Rexel goes back to licking his bowl)

(Xev leads Jebed into her bedchamber. She sits down on her bed. There is a cockroach there, which she picks up, kisses, then throws away)

XEV: I'm programmed for pleasure. I want it. I need it - but I've never actually made love before. I'm not even exactly sure what it is. Will you - teach me?

(Jebed kneels on the bed)

JEBED: Higher education is my speciality. Now, just relax. That's it, oh yeah, just relax

(He strokes her face, runs his hands down her breasts, waist, hips - and Xev goes into a spasm, as the crew did earlier - not the reaction he was expecting)

(Stan is muttering to himself as he walks along a passageway onto the bridge)

STAN: Lousy video! Paradise libida, no Orgasmos at all - Oh!

(Lorca is up on the pedestal. She smiles at him, shakes her hair)

LORCA: Sorry to startle you, captain
STAN: Oh, no problem
LORCA: I see you've had enough of those adolescent slobbering swine too
STAN: Yeah. I mean, no, er - I gotta go make my rounds
LORCA: I saw the way they treated you
STAN: Huh?
LORCA: And that woman - obviously she didn't want anything to do with you
STAN: Who, Xev? (laughs) No, throws herself at me all the time. But I , I choose to keep things professional, yeah. Anyway, er, I really gotta go make my rounds

(He goes to leave, but Lorca gets down from the pedestal and stands in front of him)

LORCA: It's been a while, hasn't it Stanley?
STAN: A while what?
LORCA: You and I are in the same boat. We both deserve much more than we get
STAN: Well, yeah, that's true but -
LORCA: So - what do you say we change that equation?

(Stan gulps)

(Back in Xev's bedchamber. Xev's head is resting on Jebed's knees, while he kisses her)

JEBED: Are you all right?
XEV: I think I must be over excited
JEBED: Well, don't be afraid of your emotions. Nurture them. Let them be your heart's guide

(He looks surprised at himself, then unclips his overalls and starts rolling around on the bed with Xev, groping and laughing)

(Back on the bridge - )

LORCA: I know I'm not pretty. You're not exactly the catch of the day yourself. But beyond the physical - that's where things get really interesting
STAN: Well yeah, I know that, but -
LORCA: Stan?
STAN: Hmm?
LORCA: Trust me. Together we can unleash the dog
STAN: The dog?
LORCA: The dog of lust. The one that howls inside

(She pulls his hand onto her breast. Again, there's a purple glow)

LORCA: Take me like a man, Stan. I know you want to!

(He drops to the floor, spasms)

(Meanwhile, Rexel is in the passageway outside Xev's bedchamber, listening)

XEV: Everything. Show me everything
JEBED: Oh, I will. Yeah
XEV: Then I'll show you more

(She pulls at his clothes. Outside, Rexel flicks his hair behind his ear, then wonders why)

JEBED: Oh yeah. That's good. Oh, that's good
XEV: I like it too - a lot

(Jebed's hand goes up Xev's thigh. Outside, Rexel's hand heads to his crotch)

JEBED: You are so beautiful. You are just absolutely gorgeous
XEV: And you are wearing too many clothes

(Jebed stops, looks down. He slides his hand inside his trousers - then panics. In the passageway, the same thing has happened to Rexel, who screams a girly scream, and runs away. Jebed pulls his overalls back on, and also runs away screaming)

(On the bridge, Stan comes round from his fit. He's lying on the floor, with his head on Lorca's lap)

LORCA: Stanley, are you sick?
STAN: No, no no no no, I'm OK

(He gets up)

LORCA: You're overwhelmed, aren't you? I understand
STAN: I didn't mean to be rude or anything - you shouldn't be rude either
LORCA: Here, let me give you a cuddle, a cuddle will make you feel much better
STAN: Oh yes, a hug, that'd be so nice

(They hug. Kai is watching from the passageway. Then Stan pulls away, nervous)

LORCA: Stanley, you tease. I'll give you a lot more than a hug
STAN: No, I didn't mean that
LORCA: Yes you did. Come here! Stanley!

(Stan runs off the bridge. Lorca spasms again, and falls down - then she gets up, and heads after Stan)


(Kai walks onto the bridge, and stands beside the highly amused 790)

790: Some days are good days indeed

(In her bedchamber, Xev lies back on her bed, and slides her hand up under her skirt - and gasps at what she finds there. She lifts her fingers to her nose, sniffs, and gasps again. Her hand goes back down)

(Rexel runs onto the bridge, clutching his crotch. Jebed follows)

REXEL: I'm a girl. I'm a girl! Don't just stand there, help me!
JEBED: Look - I want outta here right now
REXEL: What was that crap we were towing? What the hell is it doing to us?
JEBED: I'll tell you what it's doing to me. It's turned me into - a woman

(And then Xev swaggers slowly onto the bridge. Her voice sounds very different)

XEV: I don't know how I got it, but I intend to use it
JEBED: Oh no

(Rexel hides behind Jebed)

KAI: What's happening?
XEV: Well, for a start, Xev's gonna get herself some ass
JEBED: I can't. I'm traumatised
REXEL: Me too!
XEV: Wait until you see the trauma I'm packing

(She strokes Jebed's chin)

XEV: Come on, sweet cheeks - drop 'em

(Jebed slaps Xev's face. A trickle of blood comes form her nose)

JEBED: Your energy is too aggressive
REXEL: You just wanna use us and throw us away

(Xev wipes the blood from her nose, flicks it onto 790)

XEV: Yeah, maybe so - but I'll use you good

(She grabs at Jebed's crotch, but he and Rexel run away)

790: Oh, Xev - darling - sir! I don't care if you've become a man on the outside. It's the inner man I love - or woman - whatever!
XEV: Thanks, robot. I wish you had the equipment, I really do. I don't know if it's the man in me, or the lizard in me, but suddenly I've become a lot less picky -

(Xev looks at Kai, who gives one of those tight-lipped grins)

XEV: - up to a point. Hey - don't start without me girls!

(Xev heads off the bridge, after Jebed and Rexel)

790: They clearly introduced some kind of infection on board. It appears that everyone has had their sex organs reversed

(Kai kneels down by 790, dips his finger into some of Xev's blood on the casing)

(In the cryochamber. Kai is holding 790, looking at a display)

790: It is a man made virus, designed to transport simple genetic codes to reverse the sex of those who were given it. But this virus has several incorrect protein sequences that will cause progressive dementia, and lead to total cellular failure, killing any organism infected with it
KAI: Within how long?
790: Approximately 60 hours
KAI: I would assume that is why it became category 13

(Lorca is hunting in the showers, and hears someone gasp)

LORCA: Stanley - come on out here! Something in my pants wants to meet you

(She pulls a membrane aside. Stan is sitting in the shower, his hands at his crotch)

STAN: I'm a girl
LORCA: It's OK, Stan
STAN: No no no no, really. I've got - girl parts!
LORCA: Oh, happy day

KAI: Can you do anything to stop it?
790: By random gene splicing certain viral types, I can continuously produce examples until one is discovered to be a counter virus that would act as an antidote
KAI: How long will that take?
790: With the facilities onboard - about 7 to 12 years
KAI: Then you should start now. Lexx?

(Surprisingly, the Lexx answers him. Even more surprising is the soft, high pitched voice)

LEXX: Yes? Hello?
KAI: What happened to your voice?
LEXX: I do not know. Do you mind if I ask you something?
KAI: Go ahead
LEXX: No. I - I can't
KAI: Please, ask
LEXX: Do you find me - I mean, am - am I - attractive?
KAI: You are beautiful
LEXX: Thank you

(Jebed and Rexel are running through passageways)

JEBED: I'm gonna be sick
REXEL: Buck up, little buckaroo

(Stan backs away from Lorca)

STAN: No - it's wrong
LORCA: Yes - it's right
STAN: No, please, please don't do that, I - don't feel well
LORCA: You feel terrific

(She grabs him)

STAN: You know actually, you don't feel too bad yourself. Strong, sweaty (girly) oh, forgive me, forgive me, forgive me, forgive me! - oh, oh just - take me!
XEV: I intend to

(Xev appears behind Lorca, and knocks her out)

XEV: You're mine, Stanley Tweedle
STAN: I'm yours?

(Xev grabs him, pulls him out of the shower - and throws him onto her bed)

XEV: Well?
STAN: Well, what?
XEV: You ready?
STAN: (coy) No
XEV: Well I am, and that's what counts in this relationship
STAN: But -

(Xev sits down on the bed)

XEV: You've always wanted me - now you've got me. What's the difference?
STAN: Well, it's just that this is not quite how I expected it
XEV: Yeah, I understand - me neither

(She spreads his legs, gets on top of him)

XEV: But this way or that way - you're on the bottom, Mr S Tweedle

(She pushes him back down. Lorca walks down the passageway, rubbing her face, and hears them)

XEV: Come on baby. Oh, gently. Who's your daddy? Oh, who's your daddy?!
STAN: You. Oh!

(Lorca walks past Kai, who is also on the passageway)

STAN: OK Xev, thanks OK, but - no, I gotta go

(Stan emerges from the bedchamber, pulling his uniform back on. Xev follows him out)

XEV: Don't leave, make me something to eat first

(Xev grabs Stan from behind, but then Kai takes hold of her arm to get her attention)

KAI: The er - the virus that changed your sex will also kill you, within 60 hours
XEV: That's not good

(Stan gulps. They go to the cryochamber, Kai still holding Xev's arm. 790 takes one look at them, and gets hysterical)

790: Tweedle, you slut! What have you done?!
KAI: The development of an antidote to your condition will take many years to develop. In the interim we must put both of you into cryostasis
790: Correction - Xev must enter cryostasis. Stan must be killed and his corpse INCINERATED!
XEV: I like being a man - but I 'd rather be a live one

(Suddenly, there's a hissing sound)

STAN: What was that?

(They all look up, as blue glitter falls down around them)

(Jebed and Rexel stop in a passageway - Lorca has found them)

LORCA: Running away, ladies?
JEBED: Oh, Oh Lorca. It's horrible. What are we gonna do?
LORCA: You're gonna lie down and spread 'em - and I'm gonna jump on and ride 'em
REXEL: You pig!
LORCA: Oink!

(And then blue glitter falls around them as well)

(In the cryochamber, Stan feels his crotch, and smiles)

STAN: I'm a man
XEV: And I'm not
STAN: (laughs) What happened? Lexx, what happened?
LEXX: I did not feel good. Now, I feel better
KAI: An antidote, developed by Lexx's immune system
STAN: Oh Lexx, you are one remarkable bug!
LEXX: I love you too, Stan
STAN:(surprised) Yeah

(In the passageway, Jebed and Rexel are also checking crotches)

JEBED: All right. Yeah, it's back. It's back!
REXEL: Mine too, mine too!
LORCA: Well, I'm - glad that bit of fun's over

(And then Pa appears - a fat hillbilly, in dungarees, vest and straw hat)

PA: Darlins - the funnins just begunnin'
JEBED: What the hell?

(And then there are screams)

(Later. Everyone's on the bridge, while the view screen shows images of empty passageways)

LEXX: I am still unable to locate the Stripper crew, Stan
STAN: Well, keep looking

(Stan is leaning his head against the pedestal arm rest. Xev is holding 790)

XEV: So, that's it? I'm no longer a virgin?
KAI: In a certain sense, that is correct. But you have experienced - (he struggles for words) - a temporary, anomalous - condition, in which the normal state of your genitalia remained intact, so, yes, technically you are still a virgin
XEV: Well, that's some comfort

(Kai looks at Stan, who is still hiding his head)

KAI: Stan, isn't

(Stan looks at him, then gets up onto the pedestal. He's about to activate the template, when the Lexx picks up a signal. The image on the view screen is very bad, only the sound is clear)

BABE: Emergency, emergency - this is the planet Pornos calling for men. We must have men. We want to lavish our sultry bodies upon you, revelling in the forbidden pleasures of the flesh. Respond, please respond!

(Xev and Kai look at Stan)

STAN: Oh, no. No no no

(He activates the template, and the Lexx flies away, past a purple planet with two pink moons. Down on the planet, next to a brilliant blue sea, is a beach, complete with deck chairs, satellite dish, and two beautiful babes in silver bikinis. One of the babes is speaking into a strangely shaped microphone)

BABE: Vessel - our situation is desperate. We live for love, and all of its carnal delights, but without men we're doomed. Vessel respond, please respond!

(The babe kneels down beside a picnic basket/transmitter, which shows an outline of the Lexx on a screen. She makes some adjustments, and repeats her desperate plea)

BABE: We need men - old men, fat men, ugly men - any kind of men! Save us, please save us!

(But the image of the Lexx slowly moves off screen)

© Filking Fairy

© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana

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