Lexx 2.07 Love Grows
(written by Jeffrey Hirschfield)
(The Lexx flies through space. 790 is alone on the bridge,
spouting poetry as usual)
790: I dream about your fragrance, and the
splendour of your caress
But most of all I dream about my life under your
So when will we get naked, and ride on the rocket of love?
I taste your sweet plum pie, my red haired pumpy dove?
image appears on the view screen - it's a sleazy video. Three girls, walking
around a topless guy)
GIRLS: Oh - I see the handyman's come to fix
Welcome to the planet Orgasmos
Are you ready to work?
Are you sure he's up to it?
Oh, he's up to it all right
on girls - let's open his toolbox
Our machinery is top of the line
needs constant maintenance
Attention to detail!
fact, I think all systems require a complete overhaul
Gears need changing
It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do
it, and do it, and do it!
(790 watches, ginning. Out in space,
someone else is watching the video - a slightly unkempt guy, chewing on a
toothpick in the cockpit of a spaceship - the Stripper. Then the screen goes
blank, as someone ejects the tape)
REXEL: What'd you do that
(A plain older woman in unflattering overalls draws curtains
aside and enters the cockpit)
LORCA: Tell me Rexel - are all men
LORCA: I remind you that you are on duty, and your vile
little films are unauthorised use of the communications equipment. Try studying
the standard operating charter sometime
(Stan walks onto the bridge
of the Lexx)
STAN: So, er - anything interesting on the old screen
790: Not a thing - captain (grins)
STAN: OK. Good.
(Stan walks away. 790 chuckles to himself)
Stripper, Lorca checks a monitor. The captain is also in the cockpit, though
he's currently concentrating on plucking his nose hairs)
JEBED: Something bothering you, Lorca?
LORCA: Only the fact
that the monitor indicates that we are illegally crossing the boundary into
JEBED: What? I had no idea. Rexel, you're
(Jebed doesn't care. Neither does Rexel)
LORCA: We are towing category 13 biohazard material, captain.
Transport rule 5 provides strict penalties for those who transport category 13
material outside approved corridors
JEBED: Look - whatever this cargo is, the
clients want it disposed of fast. They're paying extra, and I'm accommodating
LORCA: I will report this to the transport authority
transport authority? You mean the client
(Rexel laughs, as does
Jebed. Lorca walks away, and we get a proper look at the Stripper - it's a ship
that looks a lot like a truck, with a picture of a naked woman riding a rocket
on the side. Attached is a very long cable, at the end of which is a container
trailer shaped like a triangle/prism. There's a rather ominous painting on the
back, of a skull with green stuff shooting out of the eyes and a crack on top of
(Stan walks into Xev's bedchamber - she's sitting on the bed,
filing her nails on a piece of bone)
STAN: OK Xev - what's it gonna
take? To get you into bed. State your terms, come on. I'll do anything
Stan, you're so - forward
STAN: Oh no. No no. It's called desperate. Look, I
can't help it, I'm going out of my mind, jumping out of my skin - and don't tell
me you aren't too
XEV: Oh, I am. Believe it
XEV: So -(she blows on her nails) No
STAN: Look -
pretend I'm Kai, OK? I don't care. Xev - we've been out here forever, I need
XEV: I know - and if I could, I would, but - one look at you, and
STAN: (sighs) OK, look, look, see - we don't have to touch,
OK? Except when we have to touch, all right? Oh, give me something Xev,
XEV: I'm sorry Stan. I'm not getting what I want either. Life is
STAN: OK. OK
(He leaves. Xev starts filing her toenails.
Stan goes to the bridge, gets up on the pedestal)
STAN: Ladies of
the universe! I am Stan - your man - Tweedle. I am a superior example of the
male human species, the guy who knows how to provide - shall we say (he
wiggles his tongue) the ultimate in sexual ecstasy
790: You mean
(Stan swings from the pedestal, jumps down onto the
STAN: Ladies - the word is love, and I, am the word. Whisper
it soft, shout it strong, but Stanley's all night long, Stanley!
(Xev walks into the cryochamber, operates the controls which
open Kai's cryopod. He leans forward as she walks to the pod)
wanna do it
KAI: Do what?
XEV: It! I wanna do it, with you
suspect that you mean sex?
KAI: My sex organ, has not
functioned for over 2000 years
XEV: (smiles) My sexual organ has
never functioned (she steps up onto the cryopod) and we both have a lot
of catching up to do
KAI: Xev, you are clearly - desirable, and beautiful,
but now to me sex is just an intellectual concept
XEV: I don't care if you're
(She lifts his arm up, puts it on her shoulder, but it slips
XEV: I don't care if you can only appreciate this in your mind,
but I have a hyperactive libido and I need you now!
(Xev squeezes his
lips between her fingers, but gets no reaction. She lets go,
XEV: I can't do this alone
KAI: I can't do it at
(Xev moves back, upset)
XEV: I hate you (steps
down) I hate you!
(She runs out of the cryochamber. Kai leans
forward, watching her go)
(On the bridge, Stan is on the pedestal, bored.
790 is yawning)
STAN: Respond, somebody, respond! I mean come on,
I'm sure you've all had far worse than me - probably not that hot yourselves. So
contact me, come on, let's go! Lexx - keep listening for any incoming signals, I
want to hear anything, and I mean anything, that may sound intelligent
So that you can try to learn what intelligence is
LEXX: Yes I do, Stan
(Stan settles down for a
(On the Stripper, Lorca sits in a chair which goes up into a glass
observation bubble. She checks on a monitor)
COMP: Scanner now
online. All systems functioning
(In the cockpit, Rexel has put his
tape back on, and is watching with Jebed)
GIRLS: Oh no, the last of
the men is dead. What are we gonna do? We must have more men
Lots of men.
Hot, hard men - all the time!
I need a man right now
picks up the signal)
LEXX: I have encountered an intelligent signal
Stan. Stan. Stan
(Stan wakes up)
STAN: Wha, what, what
LEXX: I have encountered an intelligent signal Stan
(coughs) OK, let's hear it
(Lexx plays Stan a scene from the
video. One of the women is speaking into a strangely shaped
GIRL: Emergency - this is a distress call from the
planet Orgasmos. We need men to come here
(Stan smiles, and gets down
from the pedestal)
GIRL: We need men to serve our lust. Here are the
co-ordinates for our planet - Labial sector, quadrant Oral, parallel 69 point
69. Plunge 90 degrees deep -
(The picture is interrupted by static,
STAN: Lexx - can you tell me what direction that
signal came from?
LEXX: Yes I can, Stan
STAN: Well, head straight for it.
LEXX: As you command, Stan
STAN: Fast as you can. Faster than you
790: (quietly) Joy can be found in the little things of
(On the Stripper, Jebed and Rexel are still
JEBED: Really, I love it
GIRL: - at 45 degrees. If you
feel resistance, thrust it again. Keep thrusting, do not stop -
too, captain sir. Only thing better than action is more action
is listening to this in the bubble)
LORCA: Do the words pathetic
disgusting male lowlifes have any resonance for you?
JEBED: Lowlifes, that
hurts. Pathetic and disgusting I'm entirely comfortable with
laughs at this)
LORCA: Captain, I'm getting something on the scanner
- some kind of magnetic disturbance. Probably an ion field
LORCA: Negative, but I don't like it
JEBED: No visual, no
(The monitor shows static. Lorca taps at it - and suddenly the
space ahead of them is filled with blue white electric
LORCA: There's your visual!
(The Stripper runs
into the field - and sticks. Jebed is thrown forward. The cable towing the
trailer starts wobbling)
LORCA: We gotta blow the trailer
LORCA: It's gonna smash into us! Blow it!
JEBED: No, we don't deliver,
we don't get paid!
(Jebed straps into his seat)
Put her in reverse. We gotta get a run at this thing
roar. The Stripper pulls back from the field - and the trailer is heading
straight for them)
JEBED: Hold her steady. Build up some power, then
when I say go, put the pedal to the metal. I'll blow the escape pod at the same
time. That ought to give us enough thrust to break through
JEBED: Maybe so
(The engines flare again. The trailer is
JEBED: Build up some thrust - steady, steady. Wait,
JEBED: Vital signs are down. I'm blowing the
(He hits a button, and the pods blast away. Rexel puts his foot
down, and the Stripper shoots forward through the ion field - but the trailer
gets stuck. The Stripper is pulled backwards - and then the trailer breaks
through the field and hurtles towards them. They have just enough time to scream
before it hits them. A cloud of pink gas escapes from the trailer. Jebed and
Rexel are out cold on the cockpit floor. Air is venting around
COMP: Hull breach, engine room. Gas leak, cargo trailer. Hull
breach, engine room. Gas leak, cargo trailer. Damage to main engine. Damage to
guidance thrusters. Damage to air supply. Hull breach, engine room. Gas leak,
cargo trailer. Gas leak, cargo trailer
(Jebed comes round, gets up
and hits a button. He then passes out, so doesn't notice the gas entering the
cockpit, leaving fine pink particles on their skin)
breach secured. Gas leak terminated. Hull breach secured. Gas leak terminated.
Damage to main engine. Damage to guidance thrusters. Damage to cargo trailer.
Hull breach, engine room. Damage to guidance thrusters
the Lexx - )
STAN: Lexx! Lexx, are we any closer to the source of
that signal yet?
LEXX: I think so
STAN: OK. Right then, you got it
straight huh? Now look, when we get there, we gotta - dive in at 90 degrees and,
and thrust through something - damp, a swamp, a - oh no no no, something about
two moons? Er, oh, I can't remember!
790: And I can't wait
Stripper. The trailer cable is flapping, sparks are still flying. Jebed and
Rexel wake up, hear Lorca's voice)
LORCA: Captain Jebed? Rexel? Are
you there? Are you all right?
JEBED: Lorca - report. How's the
LORCA: There's some damage, but the trailer seems OK. I'm fine too,
thank you for asking
(Jebed brushes at the pink dust on his
JEBED: What is this stuff?
REXEL: Some kinda leaked
(Rexel panics, brushing off face, hands)
Doubt it. It's category 13 material, I expect we'd be dead by now
alarm starts to sound. Rexel checks a scanner)
REXEL: Maybe we
JEBED: What the hell is that?
REXEL: I don't know, but it looks like a
really big bug and it's coming straight for us
(Xev walks onto the
bridge. Stan is pacing back and forth, humming happily to
XEV: Hey, what's up with you?
STAN: You know Xev - some
guys like fleshy women, and other guys like 'em small and thin for that
wraparound effect. See, the smart shopper should look for what is most
satisfying each day. Now see, as a man of many and varied tastes, well, that's
gonna be my approach
XEV: I think you've finally lost your
(The Lexx is heading straight for the Stripper, which is tiny in
JEBED: Veer left
REXEL: Veering with us
REXEL: Still on us. I can't shake it! It's not
JEBED: Look out! Look out!
(Lorca screams. Rexel screams,
and pulls on the horn. The Lexx gobbles them up with a chomping
STAN: What was that, Lexx?
LEXX: I adjusted my course
slightly to consume a snack
(The Stripper is floating -
or rather sinking - in grey liquid in a huge dark cavern - one of the Lexx's
JEBED: Abandon ship!
(They all head for the
LORCA: The hatch is jammed!
Xev is on the floor holding 790. Stan gets up on the pedestal)
So Lexx - how're we doing?
LEXX: The snack was not very tasty
well, too bad Lexx. Look - did you find the source of that signal yet? We've got
to find that planet!
(Xev gets up)
STAN: One that I found. I'm going there, and I'm gonna have an
extremely good time. We can find a necrophilia planet for you, drop you
XEV: (hurt) Drop you on the floor!
(She puts 790
LEXX: The signal is no longer being transmitted, Stan
Well - well, you gotta relocate it. Orgasmos, this is Stanley Tweedle. Verify
your location. I'm a functioning man, I've got what you need! Come
(On the Stripper, Rexel finally gets
the hatch open. He gets out, Lorca and Jebed follow)
JEBED: Come on,
come on, let's go!
(They look around them in amazement. Liquid
gurgles as the trailer sinks, a cloud of pink gas escaping. They jump from the
Stripper onto the slope of the stomach wall, before the Stripper sinks as
REXEL: So, er, have I got this right - we're inside a bug
JEBED: Yeah, you got that right - and that's where we're gonna
get out - up there
(He points to a hole high up above in the
LORCA: Congratulations. You succeeded in getting us
JEBED: Not yet
(Rexel suddenly goes into a spasm, head and
hands shaking - then it passes)
REXEL: That's never happened
JEBED: OK. Come on, let's go
(They start climbing the
stomach wall. There's a nice transition to Xev on her bed, wearing a towel. She
rubs her arms, then picks up a mirror. She looks at her face, strokes it, holds
the mirror to her chest - then there's another nice transition back to the
Stripper crew, still climbing. Jebed goes into a spasm, then
(The Lexx gurgles)
What was that noise?
LEXX: I feel an upset in my digestive system
Oh, well, really sorry to hear that Lexx, but right now we've got more important
problems to contend with, like that planet Orgasmos signal and how you lost it,
and how the hack we're gonna get it back
(The Lexx's stomach starts
JEBED: Hang on! Rexel, get your knife. Start
(The two men start hacking at the stomach
(The liquid in the stomach starts
frothing. Rexel crawls through the hole he's made. Jebed slips, but sticks his
knife into the stomach wall to hang on)
JEBED: Lorca, go! Go on,
(Lorca makes it through the hole. Jebed climbs up and follows
JEBED: Move, come on, move!
(He gets out just as the
Lexx opens an orifice, and spews the trailer out into space. Stan watches this
on the view screen)
STAN: What are you doing now?
the toxins that were irritating my digestive system, Stan
STAN: Oh, that's
nice Lexx, but can we get some focus back now? Orgasmos, Lexx. Orgasmos,
(Somewhere inside the Lexx, Lorca tears through a
LORCA: We're never gonna get through this, it's
(The others follow her. Rexel hacks through another
membrane, sticks his head though the hole, and sees an endless echoing Lexx
(Stan is now slumped on the
pedestal in despair)
STAN: Orgasmos. Orgasmos?
slowly onto the bridge)
XEV:(sighs) I'm ready
(He looks at
790: Xev! What are you saying?!
(790 screams, but switches off)
XEV: Look - I can't
hold out any longer. Take me before I change my mind
STAN: Don't toy with me Xev. I can't take it
walks over to him, holds his hand)
XEV: Can you take
(She pushes his hands onto her breast - love the squeaky toy
STAN: (gasps) Er - yeah. Yeah. Oh, Xev - we're
gonna rock the heavens. You won't regret this
XEV: I already do. Now shut up
and kiss me
(She trips Stan, and he lands on his back. Xev starts to
undo his uniform, while Stan runs his hands down her body, onto her thigh. He
laughs, and nibbles on her arm, not realising that the Stripper crew are on the
bridge. The men are watching, and smiling)
STAN: Oh, more more more
(He suddenly realises they have an audience)
(Xev looks up, sees the visitors)
REXEL: Er, ma'am -
any chance of me getting some of that?
(Jebed elbows him in the
(Later. Stan is showing a towel clad Lorca the shower. The nozzle
swings back and forth, and she watches it, suspiciously)
STAN: Um -
shower works pretty good. You just, er - give the ball a squeeze and, er
(he's lost for words) that thing - squirts on you
STAN: Say, er - did you guys, when you were on your ship like, you know,
before Lexx ate it - did you happen to pick up a signal from a planet called
LORCA: Not to my knowledge. Orgasmos? It's really called
STAN: Yeah, yeah, Orgasmos, yeah. Yeah, I'm sure, very sure
No. I'm sorry
STAN: OK. Well, I - get yourself cleaned up
LORCA: It's OK.
I'm comfortable with my body
STAN: OK, yeah, sure
(Stan waves, and
leaves. Lorca touches the nozzle warily, pulls a face)
is in the galley. Xev is playing hostess, handing bowls of food to Jebed and
XEV: Your ordeal must have left you gentlemen very -
REXEL: Starved, ma'am
JEBED: Ravenous. Mmm - delectable
Delightful. Aren't you having any ma'am?
XEV: Oh, not quite yet. Once I
start, I can't - stop
(She smiles. Jebed licks his
STAN: Don't I get any?
XEV: Serve yourself, Stan. It's
our guests who require - hospitality
(Stan sulkily walks past her and
gets some food)
LORCA: So, we lost our ship, we lost our cargo and
we almost lost our lives - all because our captain can't play by the
JEBED: Yeah, well I don't like rules, but - I like to
(He looks at Xev. She smiles)
KAI: What was your
LORCA: The worst kind. Probably experimental gene drugs gone
KAI: What drugs exactly?
LORCA: They don't say. Category 13 is all
you have to know. I just hope they don't damage your vessel
STAN: The Lexx
can digest just about anything
(He looks pointedly at the
REXEL: Aren't you eating, mister?
leaves the galley)
STAN: The dead don't eat. So - how did you guys
miss that signal, that distress signal from the planet
(Jebed and Rexel laugh. Stan smiles,
STAN: What's so funny?
REXEL: It's a film, mister. It's
Bring Me To Hot Orgasmos, part 4
JEBED: Best of the series so far
Like a girlie video thing, it was playing on the Stripper before your ship ate
STAN: A video?
(They laugh again. Xev licks her
JEBED: Well, it's, er - it's hot in here
Sometimes it gets very - humid, too
JEBED: Sticky heat
(Xev runs a
finger along her thigh)
XEV: Very sticky. Moist
REXEL: Big ship
(Xev licks her finger
XEV: Yes. Big
XEV: Big, and very -
(Xev smiles. She's completely ignoring Stan, who sucks his own
XEV: Are you ready for some more?
JEBED: Oh, I'm - I'm
(Xev leans forward to take his bowl)
JEBED: Just a
(He puts his hands around hers, and there's a purple
JEBED: I like to lick it
(He licks his bowl clean,
then sucks Xev's thumb, making yummy noises. Rexel quickly starts licking his
own bowl, as does Stan. Lorca looks disgusted)
LORCA: I'm feeling
sick. I think I'll retire
(She walks past Stan, looks at
XEV: Stanley, I think you should be on the
(Stan throws his bowl down)
Because you have to fly the Lexx
STAN: The Lexx can fly itself
Gentlemen - would you please assist Stan with his
(Jebed looks at Rexel)
(He gets up and moves to take Stan's arm, but Stan grabs his
hand - doesn't notice the purple glow)
STAN: Ah ah ah! You know, she
used to be ugly. She was a cow! She got transformed into a love slave - only it
didn't work. Not at all!
(He leaves the
XEV:(yawns) I'm so sleepy. I think I may have to go
and lay down in my bed. Will you boys be OK?
XEV: Oh - we have a problem with cockroaches here. Cockroaches make me
crazy. Could one of you come with me and check the mattress?
JEBED: Captains first
(Xev strokes Rexel's chin.
Jebed pats his head)
XEV: Navigators second. Cockroaches are a
(Xev and Jebed leave. Rexel goes back to licking his
(Xev leads Jebed into her bedchamber. She sits down on her bed.
There is a cockroach there, which she picks up, kisses, then throws
XEV: I'm programmed for pleasure. I want it. I need it - but
I've never actually made love before. I'm not even exactly sure what it is. Will
you - teach me?
(Jebed kneels on the bed)
education is my speciality. Now, just relax. That's it, oh yeah, just
(He strokes her face, runs his hands down her breasts, waist,
hips - and Xev goes into a spasm, as the crew did earlier - not the reaction he
(Stan is muttering to himself as he walks along a
passageway onto the bridge)
STAN: Lousy video! Paradise libida, no
Orgasmos at all - Oh!
(Lorca is up on the pedestal. She smiles at
him, shakes her hair)
LORCA: Sorry to startle you, captain
Oh, no problem
LORCA: I see you've had enough of those adolescent slobbering
STAN: Yeah. I mean, no, er - I gotta go make my rounds
saw the way they treated you
LORCA: And that woman - obviously
she didn't want anything to do with you
STAN: Who, Xev? (laughs) No,
throws herself at me all the time. But I , I choose to keep things professional,
yeah. Anyway, er, I really gotta go make my rounds
(He goes to leave,
but Lorca gets down from the pedestal and stands in front of
LORCA: It's been a while, hasn't it Stanley?
STAN: A while
LORCA: You and I are in the same boat. We both deserve much more than
STAN: Well, yeah, that's true but -
LORCA: So - what do you say we
change that equation?
(Back in Xev's bedchamber.
Xev's head is resting on Jebed's knees, while he kisses her)
Are you all right?
XEV: I think I must be over excited
JEBED: Well, don't
be afraid of your emotions. Nurture them. Let them be your heart's
(He looks surprised at himself, then unclips his overalls and
starts rolling around on the bed with Xev, groping and laughing)
the bridge - )
LORCA: I know I'm not pretty. You're not exactly the
catch of the day yourself. But beyond the physical - that's where things get
STAN: Well yeah, I know that, but -
LORCA: Trust me. Together we can unleash the dog
LORCA: The dog of lust. The one that howls inside
pulls his hand onto her breast. Again, there's a purple glow)
Take me like a man, Stan. I know you want to!
STAN: I -
to the floor, spasms)
(Meanwhile, Rexel is in the passageway outside
Xev's bedchamber, listening)
XEV: Everything. Show me
JEBED: Oh, I will. Yeah
XEV: Then I'll show you
(She pulls at his clothes. Outside, Rexel flicks his hair behind
his ear, then wonders why)
JEBED: Oh yeah. That's good. Oh, that's
XEV: I like it too - a lot
(Jebed's hand goes up Xev's thigh.
Outside, Rexel's hand heads to his crotch)
JEBED: You are so
beautiful. You are just absolutely gorgeous
XEV: And you are wearing too many
(Jebed stops, looks down. He slides his hand inside his
trousers - then panics. In the passageway, the same thing has happened to Rexel,
who screams a girly scream, and runs away. Jebed pulls his overalls back on, and
also runs away screaming)
(On the bridge, Stan comes round from his fit.
He's lying on the floor, with his head on Lorca's lap)
Stanley, are you sick?
STAN: No, no no no no, I'm OK
LORCA: You're overwhelmed, aren't you? I understand
didn't mean to be rude or anything - you shouldn't be rude either
Here, let me give you a cuddle, a cuddle will make you feel much better
Oh yes, a hug, that'd be so nice
(They hug. Kai is watching from the
passageway. Then Stan pulls away, nervous)
LORCA: Stanley, you
tease. I'll give you a lot more than a hug
STAN: No, I didn't mean
LORCA: Yes you did. Come here! Stanley!
(Stan runs off the
bridge. Lorca spasms again, and falls down - then she gets up, and heads after
(Kai walks onto the bridge, and stands
beside the highly amused 790)
790: Some days are good days
(In her bedchamber, Xev lies back on her bed, and slides her
hand up under her skirt - and gasps at what she finds there. She lifts her
fingers to her nose, sniffs, and gasps again. Her hand goes back
(Rexel runs onto the bridge, clutching his crotch. Jebed
REXEL: I'm a girl. I'm a girl! Don't just stand there, help
JEBED: Look - I want outta here right now
REXEL: What was that crap we
were towing? What the hell is it doing to us?
JEBED: I'll tell you what it's
doing to me. It's turned me into - a woman
(And then Xev swaggers
slowly onto the bridge. Her voice sounds very different)
don't know how I got it, but I intend to use it
(Rexel hides behind Jebed)
XEV: Well, for a start, Xev's gonna get herself some ass
I can't. I'm traumatised
REXEL: Me too!
XEV: Wait until you see the trauma
(She strokes Jebed's chin)
XEV: Come on,
sweet cheeks - drop 'em
(Jebed slaps Xev's face. A trickle of blood
comes form her nose)
JEBED: Your energy is too aggressive
You just wanna use us and throw us away
(Xev wipes the blood from her
nose, flicks it onto 790)
XEV: Yeah, maybe so - but I'll use you
(She grabs at Jebed's crotch, but he and Rexel run
790: Oh, Xev - darling - sir! I don't care if you've become a
man on the outside. It's the inner man I love - or woman - whatever!
Thanks, robot. I wish you had the equipment, I really do. I don't know if it's
the man in me, or the lizard in me, but suddenly I've become a lot less picky -
(Xev looks at Kai, who gives one of those tight-lipped
XEV: - up to a point. Hey - don't start without me
(Xev heads off the bridge, after Jebed and
790: They clearly introduced some kind of infection on board.
It appears that everyone has had their sex organs reversed
kneels down by 790, dips his finger into some of Xev's blood on the
(In the cryochamber. Kai is holding 790, looking at a
790: It is a man made virus, designed to transport simple
genetic codes to reverse the sex of those who were given it. But this virus has
several incorrect protein sequences that will cause progressive dementia, and
lead to total cellular failure, killing any organism infected with it
Within how long?
790: Approximately 60 hours
KAI: I would assume that is
why it became category 13
(Lorca is hunting in the showers, and
hears someone gasp)
LORCA: Stanley - come on out here! Something in
my pants wants to meet you
(She pulls a membrane aside. Stan is
sitting in the shower, his hands at his crotch)
STAN: I'm a
LORCA: It's OK, Stan
STAN: No no no no, really. I've got - girl
LORCA: Oh, happy day
KAI: Can you do anything to stop
790: By random gene splicing certain viral types, I can continuously
produce examples until one is discovered to be a counter virus that would act as
KAI: How long will that take?
790: With the facilities onboard
- about 7 to 12 years
KAI: Then you should start now.
(Surprisingly, the Lexx answers him. Even more surprising is
the soft, high pitched voice)
LEXX: Yes? Hello?
happened to your voice?
LEXX: I do not know. Do you mind if I ask you
KAI: Go ahead
LEXX: No. I - I can't
LEXX: Do you find me - I mean, am - am I - attractive?
KAI: You are
LEXX: Thank you
(Jebed and Rexel are running through
JEBED: I'm gonna be sick
REXEL: Buck up, little
(Stan backs away from Lorca)
STAN: No - it's
LORCA: Yes - it's right
STAN: No, please, please don't do that, I -
don't feel well
LORCA: You feel terrific
STAN: You know actually, you don't feel too bad yourself.
Strong, sweaty (girly) oh, forgive me, forgive me, forgive me, forgive
me! - oh, oh just - take me!
XEV: I intend to
(Xev appears behind
Lorca, and knocks her out)
XEV: You're mine, Stanley
STAN: I'm yours?
(Xev grabs him, pulls him out of the
shower - and throws him onto her bed)
XEV: You ready?
STAN: (coy) No
XEV: Well I am, and
that's what counts in this relationship
STAN: But -
down on the bed)
XEV: You've always wanted me - now you've got me.
What's the difference?
STAN: Well, it's just that this is not quite how I
XEV: Yeah, I understand - me neither
(She spreads his
legs, gets on top of him)
XEV: But this way or that way - you're on
the bottom, Mr S Tweedle
(She pushes him back down. Lorca walks down
the passageway, rubbing her face, and hears them)
XEV: Come on baby.
Oh, gently. Who's your daddy? Oh, who's your daddy?!
(Lorca walks past Kai, who is also on the
STAN: OK Xev, thanks OK, but - no, I gotta
(Stan emerges from the bedchamber, pulling his uniform back on.
Xev follows him out)
XEV: Don't leave, make me something to eat
(Xev grabs Stan from behind, but then Kai takes hold of her arm
to get her attention)
KAI: The er - the virus that changed your sex
will also kill you, within 60 hours
XEV: That's not good
gulps. They go to the cryochamber, Kai still holding Xev's arm. 790 takes one
look at them, and gets hysterical)
790: Tweedle, you slut! What have
KAI: The development of an antidote to your condition will take
many years to develop. In the interim we must put both of you into
790: Correction - Xev must enter cryostasis. Stan must be killed
and his corpse INCINERATED!
XEV: I like being a man - but I 'd rather be a
(Suddenly, there's a hissing sound)
(They all look up, as blue glitter falls down around
(Jebed and Rexel stop in a passageway - Lorca has found
LORCA: Running away, ladies?
JEBED: Oh, Oh Lorca. It's
horrible. What are we gonna do?
LORCA: You're gonna lie down and spread 'em -
and I'm gonna jump on and ride 'em
REXEL: You pig!
(And then blue glitter falls around them as well)
the cryochamber, Stan feels his crotch, and smiles)
STAN: I'm a
XEV: And I'm not
STAN: (laughs) What happened? Lexx, what
LEXX: I did not feel good. Now, I feel better
KAI: An antidote,
developed by Lexx's immune system
STAN: Oh Lexx, you are one remarkable
LEXX: I love you too, Stan
(In the passageway, Jebed and Rexel are also checking
JEBED: All right. Yeah, it's back. It's back!
Mine too, mine too!
LORCA: Well, I'm - glad that bit of fun's
(And then Pa appears - a fat hillbilly, in dungarees, vest and
PA: Darlins - the funnins just begunnin'
(And then there are screams)
(Later. Everyone's on
the bridge, while the view screen shows images of empty
LEXX: I am still unable to locate the Stripper crew,
STAN: Well, keep looking
(Stan is leaning his head against
the pedestal arm rest. Xev is holding 790)
XEV: So, that's it? I'm
no longer a virgin?
KAI: In a certain sense, that is correct. But you have
experienced - (he struggles for words) - a temporary, anomalous -
condition, in which the normal state of your genitalia remained intact, so, yes,
technically you are still a virgin
XEV: Well, that's some
(Kai looks at Stan, who is still hiding his
KAI: Stan, isn't
(Stan looks at him, then gets up
onto the pedestal. He's about to activate the template, when the Lexx picks up a
signal. The image on the view screen is very bad, only the sound is
BABE: Emergency, emergency - this is the planet Pornos
calling for men. We must have men. We want to lavish our sultry bodies upon you,
revelling in the forbidden pleasures of the flesh. Respond, please
(Xev and Kai look at Stan)
STAN: Oh, no. No no
(He activates the template, and the Lexx flies away, past a purple
planet with two pink moons. Down on the planet, next to a brilliant blue sea, is
a beach, complete with deck chairs, satellite dish, and two beautiful babes in
silver bikinis. One of the babes is speaking into a strangely shaped
BABE: Vessel - our situation is desperate. We live for
love, and all of its carnal delights, but without men we're doomed. Vessel
respond, please respond!
(The babe kneels down beside a picnic
basket/transmitter, which shows an outline of the Lexx on a screen. She makes
some adjustments, and repeats her desperate plea)
BABE: We need men
- old men, fat men, ugly men - any kind of men! Save us, please save
(But the image of the Lexx slowly moves off
© Filking Fairy
© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana