Lexx 3.07 Tunnels
(written by Paul Donovan, Lex Gigeroff)
(K-Town. Prince has just made a surprise appearance behind
Stan and Xev)
XEV: So, Prince - I suppose that's your new
(Xev points behind her, to the
XEV: Over there, where your balloon is taking
(Prince walks past Xev to look out of the
PRINCE: That is not one of my balloons. And that city is
Hogtown. I'm not ruler there
STAN: Why not?
PRINCE: Because I don't like
it. That is my new city
(He points to another tower, further
PRINCE: A lot like the old one - but then, nothing much
changes around here
STAN: Uh huh. Well, you know - we don't believe
PRINCE: If the balloon was one of mine, they would have picked me up.
Don't you agree?
(Prince strokes Stan's face. Xev walks up behind
XEV: How about here? Do you rule this place too
PRINCE: No. It is far too unruly. I'm a visitor here, just like
STAN: Boy, I don't trust you
PRINCE: I'm not
(The balloon floats towards Hogtown. Two balloonists hold
Kai upright, while another man - the procurer - takes his leg measurement. Then
the balloonists sit Kai down, and the procurer makes notes in a little
PROC: Sir, I must ask you - how is it that you are
KAI: I am not alive
(A balloonist moves Kai's
PROC: Sir, does that cause you pain?
procurer nods at the balloonist, who twists Kai's leg until the bones
balloonist twists Kai's arm. The procurer winces - Kai, of course, does
KAI: The dead do not feel pain
procurer makes a note of this)
PROC: Sir - who threw you off the
KAI: My friends. Where are you taking me?
PROC: You have now been
procured. We must process your claim
(Kai does not look happy at
this. The balloon sails on)
(Meanwhile, Prince stares out of the window,
as Stan and Xev decide how far to trust him)
STAN: That is his
balloon, I'm sure of it
STAN: Well, it's like he said, he's not
trustworthy. So if he says it is his balloon, I say it's not!
walks back to Prince. Stan follows)
PRINCE: So Xev, how about a
(Xev doesn't answer)
PRINCE: Look - the balloon's
landed, on Hogtown
STAN: So this Hogtown place, you know, is it
PRINCE: No. Yes
(He looks at Stan, who doesn't know
which answer to believe)
PRINCE: It's not their actions that kill
you, but the process will certainly finish you off
XEV: Whatever. They have
Kai, so we have to go there and get him
and walks away)
STAN: It doesn't matter how we get there, what
really matters is that we gotta go to the Lexx first, where it's safe
STAN: Well, I don't know! Somehow
PRINCE: Perhaps you'll sprout wings
and fly, can you do that?
PRINCE: Well neither can I
Well that's a relief
PRINCE: (laughs) So, here we are. Stanley and
Prince and Xev, stuck together. So I guess it's time for us to make a deal to
help each other out. One that works for us all
STAN: You are not gonna help
us, and that's for sure
XEV: And why should we help you?
PRINCE: Now, you
want Kai. Let me see, what do I want? - well, I always want the same thing, to
destroy the planet Water. So, I will agree to take you to Kai, if you will agree
to help me destroy the planet Water using your ship, the Lexx
(laughs) No no no no no. You said it yourself, you're not
PRINCE: True, but I never break my deals
XEV: How will you
bring us to Kai?
PRINCE: I know a way to get to Hogtown
SAN: Yeah, you
already told us - sprout wings and fly
PRINCE: A real one
XEV: Do you have
STAN: OK, so we can't fly, and if we try to walk
across there the heat's gonna kill us, so you don't have a way
walks around Prince)
PRINCE: I do
STAN: OK, what is
PRINCE: (laughs) Do we have a deal? Stanley, once you were
willing to destroy the planet Water for the sake of a woman you thought you
loved. Xev does love Kai. Destroy it for her, as a gift
XEV: No, we're not going to make a deal
PRINCE: Why not?
Because you don't know how to get to Kai
PRINCE: I do!
(Xev walks around Prince again)
PRINCE: I may be
bad, but I always stick to my deals and I very rarely ever lie - it's much more
fun to tell the truth
XEV: So if you do know a way to get to Kai, we could
find it too
PRINCE: Good luck
(He walks away, then looks back at
PRINCE: I didn't really mean that
XEV: Of course
STAN: OK, so now how are we gonna
XEV: A walk across the desert
STAN: Oh, right, right, right, and
die in the process. Come on Xev, even you can't walk across that
will take us
XEV: We didn't help him, so next he'll try
(They walk out of the room, and catch a glimpse of Prince at the
bottom of some stairs)
STAN: There he goes
room with the atmosphere of a court. Lots of candles, lots of paperwork. A man
and woman - the Adjudicator and Adjudicatrix - and lots of people in black with
varying red spots on their foreheads, sat behind a bench. Kai is strapped to a
chair in front of them)
VOICE: This adjudication will
ADJUD: It is our responsibility to attempt to record for posterity
the many incidents of extreme human pain and degradation that are performed
daily here on this planet called Fire. We ourselves do not participate in such
practices, but -
(Kai starts to sing Yo A O)
believe the recordation of such incidents will, in time, open a door to a
progressive and orderly future, free of such suffering. Do you
KAI: No (the dead are not impressed by all
ADJUD: We do not expect you to understand. However, we want you to
understand the importance of our commission. That is why we insist that each
claimant answer a few questions, so that we may, in time, better understand the
physiognomy of human evil. The process is fair and impartial. All are treated
equally. Adjudicatrix -
ADJUX: You were found in the desert. From where do
KAI: From Brunnis Two, by way of the Cluster
KAI: In the Light Zone. The other universe
PROC: If I may refer
the commission, to the claimant's statement - section 3, paragraph 1B of my
ADJUD: Thank you, procurer (looks at report) He
is not from Fire?
PROC: The claimant claims not to be, Adjudicator
I don't understand
PROC: The claimant also claims - to be dead. Section 7,
KAI: I assume that this process will inevitably
lead to some sort of punishment? I request that you cut this process short, and
throw me off the edge of the city
ADJUD: Claimants are not permitted to
request punishment at this stage. The claimant must wait for the final
(Kai pulls a face)
(Stan and Xev turn a corner
down some steps, only to see a huge staircase - think Escher)
Oh boy. How far down does that thing go?
(Xev picks up a piece of
XEV: We can tell how far down it goes by how long it takes
until we hear this hit the bottom
(Xev throws the
brick over the edge. Stan starts to count on his fingers - for quite a
STAN: Can you hear anything?
STAN: That's far,
STAN: Maybe it doesn't have a bottom
XEV: It has
STAN: I don't know about this, Xev
XEV: Got any other
(She starts down)
STAN: Hey, hey, hey, wait up,
wait up! It's not a good idea to get so far ahead
(He catches up with
her. They start walking down the stairs)
(Later. Stan is out of breath,
and Xev, in the lead, is slowing)
STAN: You know, it's OK for you,
you're part Cluster lizard. But I don't think I can last much longer, in this
kind of heat. I don't know if it was a good idea anyway. I mean, we haven't seen
Prince since we left the top. We got no, no idea where we are
XEV: We're at the bottom
STAN: How do you know?
counted the steps
XEV: This was number thirty-nine thousand
exactly. That's enough to reach the bottom
SAN: Oh. Well that's nice. So -
where to now?
XEV: Do you want to go back up again?
STAN: No, what are you
trying to do, kill me?
(Xev looks around)
XEV: So - which
direction do you want to go then?
STAN: I don't know. I want you to choose.
That way, when everything goes terribly awful, I get the satisfaction of blaming
XEV: (smiles) Thanks Stan
her finger, holds it up)
XEV: Air's coming from that direction, and
STAN: Yeah, it is, a bit
(Xev starts off down the
(She goes back to Stan, puts her arm
around his shoulder. He puts his arm around her waist)
STAN: OK, OK,
OK, OK, OK - but I'm gonna blame you when everything goes wrong
STAN: I mean it!
STAN: I hope we don't have to go
XEV: It shouldn't be too far
(They walk down the
tunnel. In the desert above, their voices can be heard faintly, coming from air
vents sticking out of the sand)
STAN: Xev. Xev
STAN: You gotta slow down Xev. I'm gonna overheat
tunnel is darker ahead of them. There is a faint sound of female
XEV: What's that?
XEV: I heard
STAN: Maybe we should go back
XEV: To what?
STAN: I wish I
XEV: For what?
STAN: To protect myself
STAN: I don't know what
(Stan stops. Xev goes
STAN: Be careful, Xev
XEV: I will
STAN: Be very
(Down the tunnel, Xev hears laughter, and sees two demented
ballerinas. They flit away)
moving down the tunnel)
STAN: Xev! Xev!
(He sees shadows
(Further along the tunnel, Xev walks down a sandy slope -
and into a trap. A net pulls her up to the ceiling)
(Stan hears a sound,
and turns, to see a man hunkered down at the side of the tunnel. This is Doctor
Rainbow. He is wearing a tattered black coat with a grubby feathered head-dress,
and rocking backwards and forwards, gnawing his bandaged
RAIN: I know I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't. I know I
shouldn't (over and over again)
(Stan tries to pass him, but this
part of the tunnel is narrow. Rainbow grabs his arm)
RAIN: Don't go
STAN: Er - thanks for the advice (shouts) Xev!
Don't go down there!
RAIN: They'll hurt you (scared)
They always do
(Meanwhile, in Hogtown, Kai is defiantly singing
Yo A O again)
PROC: The claimant will please assist the adjudicating
committee to adjudicate his claim
(Kai struggles weakly in the
ADJUX: For the record - procurer, this man you procured from
the desert, claims in your procurement report that he has been an assassin. Is
PROC: That is correct, Adjudicatrix
KAI: Once again, I
request that you throw me from the edge of the city
ADJUX: Claimant, you will
not progress your claim until you respect the rules and procedures by which this
adjudication commission adjudicates its claims
KAI: I withdraw all claims and
request that this - commission, throw me from the edge of this city
Claimant, have you ever suffered torture, degradation, or other evil on this
KAI: Yes - from this commission
(Shocked, those on the
bench raise their hands, then cross them over their chests)
Default rule 1 - Accusations against the commission are not recordable
Claimant - have you in fact ever assassinated anyone?
KAI: I have killed
mothers with their babies. I have killed great philosophers, and proud young
warriors. I have killed the evil, and the good, the intelligent, the weak and
the beautiful - but it's been a while since I slaughtered a whole room full of
(The dead are quite cross. Kai starts singing Yo A
PROC: The claimant wil answer the Adjudicatrix's question.
Those who do not comply with the commission are subject to standard punishment
KAI: What's that?
PROC: One is thrown off the edge of the city to
KAI: I request standard punishment number 1
are not allowed to request specific punishments. This commission has the sole
right to adjudicate the claimant's claim
KAI: Look - here, at my arm. Look,
here, come. Come here. I think it will answer your questions
procurer looks at the Adjudicator, and walks to Kai)
KAI: Feel along
PROC: What has this to do with the Adjudicator's question?
Are you afraid? I do not even have the strength to raise my arm
procurer takes Kai's right arm, sees the brace casing)
KAI: A little
higher. A little higher
PROC: What's that?
KAI: Squeeze it
PROC: I do
not know if it is permitted. Is it permitted?
(He looks at the
Adjudicator, then squeezes Kai's brace - which shoots out, grabbing the
KAI: At least my fall fixed that part of
ADJUD: What do you want?
KAI: I request that you throw me off the edge
of this city
ADJUD: This adjudication commission hereby grants the claimant
standard punishment number 1
(The people on the bench stamp various
bits of paperwork. Kai retracts his brace)
(Back in the tunnel, Stan is
trying to get away from Rainbow)
STAN: I have to go now
STAN: Look, just let go of my hand, because I've gotta catch up
RAIN: I can't let go
STAN: (nervous) Why?
Because I'll hurt me
STAN: Well, I'm sorry to hear that, but I gotta go,
RAIN: Please don't leave me
RAIN: They want to
(Stan crouches down, and tries to reason with
STAN: Who wants to hurt you?
RAIN: They do
(very calm voice) No. No, they won't hurt you. I'll see to it that they
won't hurt you. Xev and me, we'll both see to it that they won't, as soon as I
get to her
RAIN: Who's Xev?
friend. She just passed by here, a few minutes ago. I'm surprised you didn't see
her. So - you let go of my hand (pats Rainbow's hand) and I'll go get
(Rainbow lets go. Stan gets up. Then Rainbow holds out his
hand again, big puppy dog eyes. Stan takes his hand - and Rainbow pulls him to
the ground, sits on him, ties his hands)
RAIN: I'm a doctor. You can
(Rainbow holds his hand over Stan's mouth till he blacks
(Elsewhere, a bound Xev is being dragged along by the ballerinas -
Minx and Lynx - who are in turn on the end of a chain held by a scary looking
woman. This is Bruise, who's wearing something that looks like a cross between
Giggerota's costume and a scuba suit. They put Xev on the floor by a huge man
trap, and cackle. Xev hisses at Bruise, who just licks her lips at her. Minx and
Lynx sit on either side of the trap, with their feet pressed against each other,
and pull the jaws apart. It snaps shut. They laugh, pull it open again, then
take Xev and lie her down with her head between the jaws. They laugh
(Stan is calling for Xev, but it's muffled, as he's gagged and
bound to a frame in the centre of Rainbow's very primitive operating theatre.
Rainbow takes Stan's boots, sniffs them, then hangs them on the wall - there's
already a lot of footwear up there)
RAIN: My name is Rainbow - but
you can call me Doctor Rainbow
(Stan makes a muffled
RAIN: Sorry, I missed that. I'll take this off. No-one can
(He tags the gag off)
STAN: Let me out of this
RAIN: That's why I like to come here. Because this is where I do my
(Rainbow gets out his tools)
STAN: What kind of
(Rainbow holds up a nasty looking blade)
(He walks over to Stan)
RAIN: I'm going to make
STAN: You don't have to make me feel better, I feel just fine.
Look, really, I'm perfectly perfectly perfectly perfectly all right
no no no no no no. There are parts of you you'd be much better off
STAN: What parts?
RAIN: Bad parts. Dirty parts. Parts I'm going to
(Stan looks sick)
(Bruise takes a pole and hits the
sand - near the trap's trigger. She laughs, and does it again. The third time,
she hits the trigger - but the ballerinas pull Xev away just in time. They drag
her up onto a ledge looking into another room - the floor of which is covered
(Stan pulls on his chains, but it's no use. Rainbow is
scrubbing his hands, in sand)
RAIN: I'm sorry. I don't have anything
to stop the bleeding. There's nothing I can do about that
STAN: OK. Now
listen buddy. Whatever it is that you want, I don't wanna have any part of it,
(Rainbow sharpens his blade)
RAIN: They scream, when
I first cut them. Then after a while, they stop. They always do. There. It
doesn't have to be very sharp to do the job, to do the job, to do the job.
Right. They always stop, always stop
(Rainbow gnaws at his
STAN: Listen buddy, buddy, what do you want, huh? Look,
whatever it is I'll help you get it, OK? OK? I'm Stanley H Tweedle, I'm the
captain of the Lexx. It's the most powerful destructive force in the two
RAIN: You'll stop screaming too
(Stan is terrified
RAIN: I told you - she can't hear you. No-one
can hear you here except for me. But it doesn't bother me. Because I'm used to
(He starts to undo Stan's uniform)
RAIN: Because I'm
used to it. I'm used to it, I'm used to it, I'm used to it, I'm used to
(Xev is balancing on the edge of the ledge. The
ballerinas are holding poles. They twirl towards Xev, back to Bruise, back to
(Rainbow starts aiming at a piece of wood sticking out from between
RAIN: They scream when I cut them. When I cut them,
they scream. When I cut them, they scream. When I cut them, they scream. When I
cut them -
(As Rainbow raises his blade - Prince grabs his
PRINCE: I'll take that
RAIN: I was just trying to help
PRINCE: No you weren't
RAIN: I was just trying to help
(Rainbow backs off, then runs away. Stan shouts after
STAN: Just trying to cut me open. Just trying to cut me open.
Just trying to cut me open!
(Prince tests the blade with his
PRINCE: Ouch! That would have hurt
STAN: Whoa. I have to say thank you. I have to ask -
PRINCE: Consider it a goodwill gesture. If I help you, then maybe
eventually you will help me - out of gratitude (smiles)
won't help you blow up another planet. Where's Xev?
PRINCE: Like you, I
suspect that she too is in a spot of trouble
(He hands the knife to
(The ballerinas hold Xev, leaning her back over the edge. Bruise
snaps her teeth at Xev. The ballerinas lean forward on one leg - and Prince
pushes them over into the man traps. Bruise is pulled forward by the chains.
Prince grabs her foot - then pushes her in as well. There are screams. On the
ledge, Xev looks up at Prince)
PRINCE: Saved by your
(Later. Stan, Prince and Xev are walking along a very dark
STAN: It's hot down here, but it's not as hot as it is on
the surface. How come?
PRINCE: It's the geology. The rocks down here produce
some heat, but not as much as in other places. It is possible for a human being
to survive down here, for a few days at least - survive the heat that is, not
necessarily his fellow man
PRINCE: The people who are condemned
to live down here do not have their own city, because they are the bad of the
bad. They are the sick, the truly evil. They kill for the pleasure they exact
from the act of killing. Up until now they only had each other to hunt down, but
that was until you came along and made things more interesting
it's absolutely not interesting for me, not at all
PRINCE: No, not for you,
but for them, yes, for them you are fresh meat, a rare treat (chuckles)
Why, you haven't even died once yet. Not since the day you were
XEV: You said born. How come? I thought you didn't know that people were
PRINCE: Well, you told me yourself about people being born, where you
come from - don't you remember Xev?
(They hear screaming up
STAN: What was that?
PRINCE: I don't know - but that is
the way to Hogtown, where we saw them take your dead man in black. After
STAN: No, no, no - you go first
PRINCE: As you please - but they can
come from ahead, or from behind, from above or below. Nowhere is safe in the
(Prince leads the way, to a staircase piled with
XEV: It's a dead end
STAN: He's tricked us, to get us down
PRINCE: For what purpose?
STAN: I don't know, but whatever it is I
don't like it
(Prince tilts Stan's chin upwards.
There is a small hole in the ceiling above them)
STAN: Oh no. No no
no no no. Stanley H Tweedle is not gonna crawl up in that little hole
That's all right. You can stay down here if you like - alone. In the
(Prince starts up the stairs. Xev follows)
I'm not going up there
(Prince is now crouching at the top of the
hole. The room seems deserted. The only movement is bits of paperwork on
XEV: What's up there?
really up there, Prince?
PRINCE: As I said - paper
PRINCE: Lots and lots of it
STAN: Is it safe?
STAN: What do you mean?
PRINCE: Nowhere is safe on the planet
STAN: I don't trust him
XEV: Neither do I
STAN: You're not gonna
go up there?
STAN: I think you're making a big mistake
What do you want to do Stan, stay down here in the tunnels?
reaches for the hole, starts to pull herself up)
STAN: Be careful,
(Hogtown. The Adjudicator and Adjudicatrix watch as an assistant
drags Kai in chains to the edge of the city)
ADJUD: I don't
understand. Why do you want standard punishment number 1?
KAI: Because my
systems are out of alignment
(The assistant pushes him over the edge.
Kai lands on a ledge, rolls himself off, falls all the way down into the sand.
This time, it's worked. He gets up and removes his chains, then fires his brace
up at Hogtown. He gets onto the procurer's gondola)
KAI: I must
procure this balloon from you
PROC: It is not permitted
KAI: Perhaps not,
but I have been realigned
(He uses his brace to cut the mooring rope.
The balloon flies away. The procurer watches, and starts to hum Yo A
(Prince walks back to the hole, looks out of the tower. He sees the
balloon approaching, and smiles)
STAN: Xev? Xev, can you hear
(Prince crouches at the hole)
STAN: Where's Xev?
PRINCE: Exploring. So, are you going to come
STAN: I hate small tiny places, I really hate 'em
PRINCE: Well, you
can stay down there if you want to, but I think I should advise you that they
always stay down there, in the tunnels. It's part of their
(Prince stands up)
STAN: Now you tell
(Stan starts piling books under the hole. Prince walks away. Stan
gets up on the books, but he's still not able to reach the hole. Finally, his
head emerges at the top of the hole. Prince is nowhere to be
(Someone grabs him from
(Stan drops back down into the
tunnel - next to Doctor Rainbow)
RAIN: They scream when I cut
(Stan screams, and runs)
RAIN: They scream when I
cut them, when I cut them. There's no time for anaesthetic
down the tunnel, with Rainbow in pursuit)
STAN: Somebody, somebody
help! This isn't happening. This isn't happening. Go away!
trips, then carries on running - Rainbow is close behind him)
(Prince is in the tunnels. He hears Stan, and heads in his
(Stan has managed to run right back into Rainbow's lair.
Rainbow catches him, backs him up against a wall, and laughs)
I'm used to the screaming. I'm used to it. I'm used to it. I'm used to
(Stan looks petrified - then someone grabs Rainbow's knife, and
sticks it in his stomach)
then falls down)
STAN: Oh, thank you. Thank you, thank
(Stan looks at his saviour - a rather scary looking man, in a red
dress, and hat with veil)
BUNZ: It wouldn't have hurt that
(He runs the knife along Stan's face)
BUNZ: Because, he doesn't know where the nerves are. But I do
Oh no. No, no
(The knife is at his nose now)
I'm a doctor
STAN: Oh no no no no no no
(Doctor Bunz raises the
knife - and Prince grabs his arm. They struggle. Rainbow grabs a knife and stabs
Prince in the back, then stabs Bunz as well)
You hit the nerve!
(Bunz stabs Prince in the chest, and they all
PRINCE: Stanley. Stanley
(Rainbow sniffs at a
shoe, then dies. Bunz tries to crawl over to Stan, but dies)
(Prince is struggling to rise from the
PRINCE: Stanley. Stanley, Stanley
carefully past Bunz. He picks Rainbow's knife up from the floor, puts it on a
table, and looks down at Prince)
crouches down beside Prince, who looks up at him)
PRINCE: I wanted
you to love me, Stanley
STAN: (laughs) Yeah, right! I've heard that
before (concerned) Are you dying?
PRINCE: Yes(laughs) But
I'm used to it
STAN: Tell us how to get to Kai -
(But Prince is
dead. Stan pats his arm)
STAN: Hey Prince. Prince, Prince. Old buddy
old chum, Prince. Are you still breathing?
(He checks Prince's neck
for a pulse - then someone touches his shoulder. It's Xev)
Xev. You half scared me to death
(He stands up)
Sorry Stan. What happened?
STAN: Well he came after me again, and then that
guy, and then, then Prince saved me and -
(Stan looks down. Prince's
body has vanished)
SAN: Where'd he go? He was just here on the
XEV: Where is he now?
STAN: I don't know. He disappeared
Yes. Prince does that
STAN: Come on Xev. Let's get out of here quick
(They head back into the tunnels)
STAN: Where are
XEV: This way
XEV: Because it's the easy
STAN: I'm not letting you out of my sight again, OK?
XEV: I recommend
STAN: Oh boy
(They head for the light, and are soon standing
at the base of the tower)
STAN: We're gonna die out there
XEV: No we're not
STAN: I don't know, the heat is -
looks up, and sees Kai's balloon)
STAN: Oh! Oh, we're saved, we're
saved, we're saved. Oh Kai!
(Stan waves as the balloon comes in to
© Filking Fairy
© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana