Lexx 4.04 Stan Down
(written by Paul Donovan, Lex Gigeroff)
(Earth. A little old lady comes out of her house to feed the
OLD: Buttons! It's yummy yum yum time. Buttons! Buttons! Look
what mumsie's made for her very special Buttons - fresh catfish
(The cat growls, and stalks off under a
OLD: Don't you like your dinny din dins?
(There is a strange metallic screeching sound, followed by
the cat growling. The bush shakes, then the cat walks out - stiff legged, wide
eyed. The old lady picks up the cat, kisses it)
OLD: Oh, oh Buttons!
Oh Buttons, Buttons - is there something wrong with my poor little
(The White House. President Priest is practising his
signature, while a waiter - wearing a uniform quite similar to Stan's - is
serving tea. The First Lady walks up to the desk - she looks familiar, last seen
as Lorca, one of the Stripper crew in 2.7 Love Grows)
FIRST: Are you
a man or a jellyfish?
PRIEST: What, sweetie?
FIRST: Are you a man, or a
spineless gutless jellyfish with no backbone whatsoever?
PRIEST: Er - I'm a
FIRST: You're a jellyfish. You take orders from Prince, and why the head
of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms should tell the President of the
United States what to do is beyond me. You're nothing but a snivelling dog,
FIRST: You give the orders, not Isambard Prince - and
he, and everyone else, has to follow them
PRIEST: You really think that's
FIRST: Yes you moron, you're the President!
right, I am
FIRST: If you want, you can get rid of Prince - then you don't
have to take orders from him again
PRIEST: You're right
PRIEST: But how can I
get rid of him?
FIRST: Anyway you want, Mr President
(She looks at
the waiter. Priest approaches him)
PRIEST: Your country has an
important mission for you
(A red car, driving to Orlando. Dad is
driving the car, stone faced. Long suffering Mom is eating some chips. In the
back, Junior is being a brat)
JUNIOR: Are we there yet?
yet, sweetie pie
JUNIOR: When are we gonna get there?!
MOM: We'll get
there when we get there, pumpkin
JUNIOR: I wanna go to the alligator pit,
MOM: Mommy and daddy have promised that you can, sweetie
The alligator pit! The alligator pit!
MOM: We have to get there first,
JUNIOR: I'm hungry
(Mom passes back the
JUNIOR: I hate those
MOM: Oh, you love them
hate those! And I want to shoot something
(Dad opens a can of drink,
which fizzes all over his face. Mom and Junior think this is hilarious. Dad
(The ATF bunker. Stan has somehow managed to nod off, still
strapped to the wall. He wakes with a start)
STAN: Oh, oh! - oh, why
can't this just be a dream? Why can't I just wake up in my own bed on the Lexx?
This definitely is not my bed
(Far below, a door opens. In come
President Priest and the waiter, whose uniform is hidden under a black
GUARD: Mr President
PRIEST: I'd like to have a word with
GUARD: Sir, I don't know if you have the proper clearance
for that here
PRIEST: Look here, I'm the President, I can do what I want, now
GUARD: Yes sir
(The guards leave. Priest checks the
waiter's uniform is still out of sight. Then he checks the door - the guards are
PRIEST: Go, get out of here!
the guards away, then operates a control. The slab Stanley is attached to is
lowered, though still not down to ground level)
Tweedle - we have something in common, you and I
strong feelings about Isambard Prince
STAN: Oh yeah, I got some strong
feelings about him. They're not the same ones you have!
PRIEST: Perhaps they
are. I feel strongly that this planet would be a better place as far as both you
and I were concerned if Prince were, er - no longer here
PRIEST: Let me ask you, Captain Tweedle - you don't mind if I call you
STAN: So, no
PRIEST: Captain Tweedle, could you use the Lexx to, er
- destroy Prince?
STAN: Yeah, I think so. But if I do, what's in it for
PRIEST: I'll make you a - a king
STAN: What, king of the whole
PRIEST: Oo, no, not the whole planet. But you could rule your own
country, mmm - that!
(He points at the large screen overhead, which
is showing a satellite image of Nova Scotia and Newfoundland. A couple of place
names are highlighted - Shag Harbour and Dildo Bay)
great big island. You can be king of Newfoundland
STAN: What's it
PRIEST: It's paradise. A beautiful island paradise of wine, women and
constant song. Big sunny gardens, all year round
STAN: What are the women
PRIEST: Not very picky (chuckles) if you know what I
(Stan looks at the screen - of course, he can't read
STAN: King of New - New - what?
STAN: King of Newfoundland, huh?
(Xev and Kai get off
a bus in Washington)
XEV: So how do we find Stan?
turns to a passenger, trying to get off the bus behind them)
Excuse me. I am looking for Stanley Tweedle. He is in this city. How would I
PASS: Better get yourself a new hairdo, freako (to Xev)
(He pushes Kai aside)
PASS: Outta my way,
(Kai grabs the man, puts his brace to his throat. Meanwhile
Xev strokes the man's hair)
KAI: Who is in charge of this
PASS: The President. In the White House. Pennsylvania Avenue
(Kai lets the man go)
XEV: Nice work - bunhead
(Stan is now down from the wall, wearing the
waiter's suit over his uniform. Priest hands him a piece of Oval Office note
paper, covered in scribbles)
STAN: So, this makes me King of , er -
(Priest turns the paper the right way up for
PRIEST: Newfoundland, yes. By my supreme executive authority, I
invest you as the king
STAN: Excellent. I'll call you as soon as we get back
to the Lexx
STAN: Oh, we're much more advanced than you are.
I can call right to your desk
(Stan gets into the
PRIEST: Good. And I'll find out where Prince is
out exactly where
PRIEST: Exactly, yes
STAN: Time to close the book on
(The moth takes off, and Priest laughs. The roof of the bunker
opens, and the moth flies away)
(Xev and Kai have just arrived outside
the White House)
(She points at the moth
overhead. Kai fires his brace, grabs the moth's leg)
XEV: Gimmee a
KAI: Hold on tight
(Xev puts her arm around his neck. Stan
looks down, and is delighted to see them. They fly away into the sky)
the ATF bunker, Prince walks into his office - two guards
PRINCE: You're sure it was the President?
PRINCE: And what exactly were he and Stanley Tweedle talking
GUARD: We don't know sir
PRINCE: Why not?
down behind his desk)
GUARD: He asked us to leave the
PRINCE: Well why didn't you come up here?
GUARD: We - didn't know
that was allowed, sir
PRINCE: Well the next time that Stanley Tweedle and the
President have a little chit chat, you have my permission to come into this
office. You can hear them quite well from here
GUARD: Yes sir
(The guards leave. Prince switches on his large overhead TV
screen. It has a small window for Tweedle cam in the corner, but for now Prince
concentrates on the news)
ANCHOR: This just in - the Sacred College
of Cardinals of the Catholic Church have finally chosen a new Pope. Although
it's not a requirement of canon law, the college normally elects one of its own
members as leader of the world's more than one billion Catholics. But in a
surprise break from tradition, they've made a - real estate agent from Miami,
Genevieve G Rota, the new Holy Father of the Catholic
(Genevieve G Rota is non other than our old friend Giggerota,
last seen as Queen in 3.11 Girltown. Currently with big hair, short skirt, and a
wonderfully un-Pope like leopard print top)
GGROTA: I'm His
Holiness? I'm the Holy Father? I'm the Pope! Oh my goodness! I'm the Pope, I
can't believe it
(She pulls one of her real estate signs out of the
ground, and starts to sing)
GGROTA: I'm the Pope, it ain't no joke,
everybody, I'm the Pope! I'm the Pope. I ain't no dope. I offer hope - wine,
wafers and water and wine. Kiss my ring and cross my heart!
holds up the sign as a cross. A Cardinal Meinpo Duftet is
CARDINAL: We were deadlocked for a week, between the
Cardinal of Valencia and the Cardinal of Milan. It was getting so acrimonious,
we decided to pick a compromise candidate at random from the newspaper. Once
conclave begins, no communication is allowed with the outside world, and the
only newspaper we had was the real estate section of the Miami Herald. We chose
Genevieve because her name has a nice Catholic ring to it
enlarges the Stan screen, glances at it, then picks up the
PRINCE: Isambard Prince, for the President
sorry sir. The President's, er - away
PRINCE: Away, where?
VOICE: Just -
PRINCE: The President didn't tell me that he was going
VOICE: Would you like to leave a message?
(Prince hangs up
the phone, enlarges the Stan cam - and now he can see it's the waiter. He
switches off the screen, and leaves his office)
(The moth flies past the
(In the car. Junior is eating a burger, Dad is having a drink. Mom
is having a moan)
MOM: "We're going to Orlando this year, I promise"
That's what you said. Your exact words. I assumed that meant that you wanted to
go. You said we were going to go last year - of course, we didn't go anywhere
last year. You said we were gonna go the year before - and the year before that.
Each time you had a reason why you couldn't. You always have a reason why you
can't do anything
JUNIOR: The alligator pit! The alligator pit!
almost there, lambikins
JUNIOR: The alligator pit! The alligator pit!
Look, we all want to get to the alligator pit, sweetheart. That is, as long as
your father doesn't screw up this time, like he always does
glares, and crushes his drink can)
(The White House. The First Lady is
staring in disbelief at Priest)
FIRST: That's your plan? That's the
dumbest thing I've ever heard
PRIEST: No, sweetie - Captain Tweedle says his
spaceship can fire a tiny little beam, at precisely -
FIRST: And you believed
PRIEST: Well, yes
FIRST: You know, I knew you were dumb Reggie, but I
had no idea you were actually retarded
(She grabs him by his
FIRST: How are you going to pinpoint Prince? Is he gonna go
around telling you precisely where he is?
(The phone rings. Priest
wriggles free to answer it)
PRIEST: Yeah? (whispers to her)
It's Prince! Isambard - how are you? And where are you?
PRINCE: I just called
to tell you I'm in Miami, for a couple of days, to meet with some Cuban hit
(He's not in Miami at all - he's in his
PRIEST: Er, good good, fine fine (whispers) He's
gone to Miami! So, where in Miami are you, exactly?
PRINCE: My meeting's
taking place in a small yacht, about two miles off South Beach - why?
Er, Isambard, I've got to go. Call me back
(Priest hangs up. Prince
looks at the phone)
PRIEST: Find a map
FIRST: This is
PRIEST: No it's not!
(The First Lady gets a kiddie atlas
from the top drawer of the desk. Priest flicks through the
FIRST: It'll never work
PRIEST: America, America - there.
There it is. Miami. It's right there on that land that sticks out
land that sticks out is called Florida (she looks at him) You don't
know that, war hero?
PRIEST: Oo - well, thirty years in the jungle causes you
to forget - things
(The Lexx is in orbit around the moon. Kai, Xev
and Stan walk onto the bridge. 790 is already there, on his
(He has little
Kais in his eyes. A phone rings)
STAN: Lexx, what was that?
A communication signal, Stanley
STAN: Well (he gets up on pedestal)
- connect us!
LEXX: As you command, Stan
(In the White House,
Priest is on a mobile phone with a small satellite dish)
Stanley? Captain Tweedle, is that you?
STAN: Yes, yeah, it's me
Prince is on a boat off Miami. He promised to call back soon with his exact
precise location, are you listening?
STAN: Yeah, yeah, I'm
(A phone rings on his desk. He holds it to
his other ear)
still in his office, holding a small potted plant)
PRIEST: Are you
still there, where you are? On a boat?
PRINCE: Yes, I'm still here
Oh, sorry about that, I was on the other line
PRINCE: I'm off the coast of
Florida - that's the bit that sticks out at the bottom right hand corner of the
PRIEST: Off Miami, right?
PRINCE: Yes, I'm in a small boat
off South Beach
PRIEST: Could - could you say exactly how far off?
PRIEST: Well, er, I, I just like to know exactly where my trusty old
number two man - I mean, number one man, is (laughs)
PRINCE: I see.
Well, just, just give me a moment here please
(He keeps Priest
PRINCE: My exact position is 25 degrees 45 minutes north,
by 80 degrees 16 minutes west. Did you get that?
(Priest and the
First Lady search frantically for pen and paper)
PRIEST: Oh, I am
sorry - could you repeat that?
PRINCE: 25 degrees 45 minutes north, by 80
degrees 16 minutes west
PRIEST: Thank you, Isambard
(laughs) It's my pleasure
PRIEST: Now, what was it that you were
PRINCE: Oh, it's the Cubans, sir
PRIEST: The Cubans, hmm, I
PRINCE: Yes, the Miami Cubans. I'm arranging for them to take care of a
little problem for me
PRIEST: Mm, I see, good good, fine
(Prince's office is actually underneath the White House, beneath
where the skeletons are buried)
PRINCE: It's the type of problem
they're quite experienced with, so I won't bore you with the details just
PRIEST: Yes, you handle it. You are my number one. Well, bye bye
PRINCE: Bye bye
(Priest hangs up, speaks to
PRIEST: Did you get all that?
STAN: Yeah yeah yeah yeah, I
(Priest hangs up the other phone. He stands and looks at the
PRIEST: And what do you think?
FIRST: I think you
should have rotted in the jungles of Vietnam, and I should have married Dr
(The Lexx moves to point directly at the
STAN: OK Lexx - I want you to fire a tiny beam, at a teeny
weeny tiny target
LEXX: I will always do as you command, captain
Good. OK Lexx - I want you to fire your weapon -
XEV: Stan! What are you
STAN: Now Xev, look, I know that you think that sometimes I make
really stupid decisions, and I admit, once or twice in the past, maybe I coulda
done things a bit better, but trust me on this one. What I am doing is for the
greater good of everybody
XEV: Do you mind if I ask how? And what exactly you
have in mind then?
STAN: I'm gonna get the Lexx to fire a tiny thin beam at a
precise spot on that planet, and then (clicks his fingers) no more
XEV: Do you think the Lexx can do that?
STAN: Xev, look, we did
some target practice a little while ago, and the Lexx fired a tiny beam at a
little object that was - really really far away, so this should be easy. Right,
LEXX: I will do as you command, Stan
XEV: I don't know,
STAN: Oh, come on Xev! The Lexx and I are really good together
Oh, sure you are! What if it doesn't work? Then you'll end up killing thousands
and thousands of innocent people
STAN: Look Xev - the only chance that entire
planet has is with Prince out of the way, now you know that's true
you sure it is possible to kill Prince in the conventional sense?
mean, after he's dead, he might be able to come back, like he did on
STAN: Yeah, but we don't know for sure! We shouldn't miss
this chance. Besides, I'm the captain of this ship, and I hereby declare by my -
supreme executive authority, that we are gonna blow up Prince, the ultimate
embodiment of evil, who we know - right now - is on a little boat off the coast
of Miami, Florida - therefore making this planet a much better place for me, for
you, for everybody! Now Lexx - you see that bit that sticks out there?
STAN: Are you aimed at it?
LEXX: Yes, Stan
STAN: Good. OK
Lexx - I want you to fire a tiny thin beam, at -(he can't remember the
co-ordinates) 28 degrees by 45 minutes north, by 81 degrees point 15
(Xev shakes her head)
LEXX: As you command,
(The Lexx powers up, and fires a bolt)
(In his office,
Prince nibbles on the plant - he doesn't like it. He switches on a small
(In the White House, Priest and the First Lady stick their
fingers in their ears)
(On the bridge, Stan, Kai and Xev watch the view
(In the car, the family are nearly at Orlando)
Is that it? Oh, don't you just love it?! It's beautiful!
pit! Alligator pit!
(Mom looks at Dad, who just sits
MOM: You're no fun at all, do you know that?
is watching the blast from the Lexx racing ahead of them. It hits
(Stan puts his head in his hands)
STAN: Oh, man
(An alligator's head lands on the hood of the car. Mom is
screaming, Junior is crying - Dad is laughing. He carries on driving, a plume of
smoke in front of them, flaming debris falling through the sky behind
(In the White House, the phone rings)
(Prince is making gurgling noises on the other end. Priest
hangs up. He and the First Lady smile. The TV is on)
interrupt this programme for a special news bulletin. Moments ago, a massive
explosion seems to have completely obliterated the city of Orlando,
(Priest and the First Lady sink down onto a
ANCHOR: Again, the city of Orlando, Florida has suffered a
(The Lexx view
screen shows a crater where Orlando was)
XEV: Good shot
Lexx, you hit the wrong place!
LEXX: I am sorry Stanley - I tried my
STAN: How could you miss!
LEXX: I like to blow up whole planets. That
is what I was designed for. I will try again if you like
Congratulations, mass murderer
STAN: Oh, as if that matters to you! That's
it. I'm outta here. I've had it with this whole stupid planet, I've had it with
Prince, and I've had it with everything. I say we just get outta here right now,
and take our chances someplace else. Lexx - get us outta here now!
LEXX: I am
very weak Stanley. Unless I eat a lot more I will not be able to go very far
STAN: Look Lexx, we'll find you something else to eat along the
way, OK? Let's just, just, you know, just go!
LEXX: As you request, captain -
but I will only be able to go very very slowly
STAN: Well, as long as you're
(The Lexx starts to move away from the Earth)
Stan - I don't wanna go just yet
STAN: Well Xev, if you don't wanna go just
yet, you get in a moth and you go down to that planet, but don't expect me to
wait for you, because I'm leaving, right now!
XEV: All because Prince is
still down there, right?
STAN: That alone would be good enough reason for
790: I think you should both go down there and stay
STAN: Oh, shut up,
790: I'm sure the two of you would be perfectly happy
XEV: Stan, turn the Lexx around
STAN: I'm sorry Xev
sits down on the pedestal)
STAN: We'll find you a nice place later
on, OK? With no Prince on it. I promise
(Back in the White House, the
First Lady is hitting Priest with a broom)
FIRST: You low-grade
FIRST: Prince is still alive! Not only that, you just
blew up Orlando!
PRIEST: I tried my best, sweetie
FIRST: Don't you call me
sweetie, you little war hero!
(She leans on the desk,
FIRST: What are we gonna do, Reggie?
PRIEST: I don't
(He tries to stroke her face, but she stamps on his
FIRST: What are they gonna do to us when they find out?
They're gonna take all this away - from me. You'll go to the electric chair, and
I won't be First Lady any more. And what'll Prince do to us when he finds
PRINCE: Finds out - what?
(Priest and the First Lady look up,
all smiles. Prince has just walked into the office)
PRINCE: Finds out - what?
PRIEST: Oo - nothing
thought you were in Miami
PRINCE: Yes. Well I'm not
walks up to the desk)
PRINCE: Mr President - it appears that we've
had a spot of bother, in Orlando
PRIEST: Yes, it's terrible, isn't
FIRST: It's awful
PRINCE: All those cute little plastic animals melted
and charred beyond recognition, well -
(He laughs, and sits down in
the President's chair)
PRINCE: Do we have any idea what happened
PRIEST: Oo, no. Maybe it just, um - exploded by itself? You know, one
minute it's there, the next minute - pfft! (laughs)
that's an interesting theory, Mr President, but I doubt that the people will
accept such an explanation. When something as terrible as this happens, someone
must be seen to pay for it, otherwise the public will not be satisfied. And as
you know - this is exactly the sort of incident that gets a presidency into
FIRST: You're absolutely right, Isambard. Our very presidency is at
stake - and it's far too big a matter for our moronic president to take care of.
I have a plan, to turn this thing around
(She strokes Prince's
(Meanwhile, back on the Lexx - )
XEV: Leaving this
planet without any idea where we are going is not a very bright
STAN: Too bad, I'm captain and you're not
KAI: You may not be
able to reach a life bearing planet unless the Lexx eats, Stanley
what do you care, you're dead
KAI: You and Xev however are alive. It could
take the Lexx many thousands of years to reach a suitable planet in its weakened
condition. You will of course choose to enter cryosleep, but the cryopods may
not continue to function properly for that length of time
STAN: OK then, I'll
let the Lexx eat (stands up) Lexx - is there something down there,
small enough you can eat that's enough to keep you going at full speed?
Yes, Stanley - I will be able to go full speed if I ate just that small little
part of the blue planet
(A view of Holland appears on the
LEXX: It has lots of green goodness and yummy protein, and
not too many hard rocks
790: That land mass the Lexx is referring to is a
country called Holland
STAN: Fine. Lexx - I order you to eat -
a second - if that's a country, then doesn't it possibly have lots of
790: Holland appears to be densely populated - which means it would
supply Lexx with plenty of protein
XEV: Stan, you can't order the Lexx to
just eat a country - that's mass murder
(Stan leans down to
STAN: Well, maybe technically speaking it's mass murder, but -
(Xev grabs hold of his uniform)
XEV: It's wrong Stanley,
and you know it
(She walks away from him)
STAN: It's a
Type 13 planet, Xev, it's doomed anyway! Lexx, I order you to eat
LEXX: As you request, Stan - and thank you. Holland looks very
(The Lexx turns back to Earth)
XEV: Kai - if I
asked you to, would you kill Stanley?
XEV: If you kill Stan,
the key will come back to me, right?
STAN: Hey hey hey hey!
KAI: Yes. If I
kill Stan the key will flow to you and you will become captain of the Lexx
(Stan gets down from the pedestal, looks at Kai)
Oh come on, but you wouldn't really do that would you, Kai old buddy old pal,
you wouldn't kill me, I mean, you're a former assassin, right?
I have no feeling for the people of Holland, I am aware that morally speaking it
is not right to sacrifice a whole nation for one man's individual gain.
Therefore, if Xev were to ask me to - I would
STAN: OK Kai, I order you - not to kill me. So if Xev asks you
to kill me, the two orders cancel each other out, right?
KAI: Yes - but your
choice to destroy Holland tips the scales. So, if Xev asks me to - I will kill
XEV: Turn the Lexx around, Stan
Kill them both Kai! That's my vote
XEV: Oh, shut up!
STAN: Come on now
guys, this isn't funny anymore, OK? Look, we can't stay here, and we can't go
unless the Lexx eats. What choice do we have?
(Kai readies his
STAN: Lexx - seal the bridge!
LEXX: As you
(Stan runs into the passageway, and a membrane forms
across it behind him)
XEV: I didn't know the Lexx could do
(On the other side, Stan claps his hands,
STAN: Oh Lexx my friend, you are so full of surprises! OK
guys - I'm not gonna let you out until you promise not to kill me, OK? Guys?
Look, I'm doing this for your own good
KAI: Do you wish me to kill
(Xev touches the membrane)
XEV: What about
KAI: Such barriers are not meaningful to a Divine Assassin
guys - do I win, or what?
(Xev stands aside, and Kai fires through
the membrane, grabbing Stan's throat)
STAN: Lexx - I command you not
to eat Holland!
LEXX: But I'm very hungry, Stan
STAN: Sorry Lexx - turn
around and get out of this solar system as fast as you can
LEXX: Oh - all
(Kai retracts his brace. The Lexx turns away from
(The White House. Prince, Priest and the First Lady have been
joined by two men and two women)
PRINCE: We invited you, our
country's senior journalists, to come to the Oval Office today so that the
President could brief you privately on the tragedy at Orlando. Mr President -
(Prince motions for him to rise)
Thank you, Isambard. Ladies and gentlemen - we have got a bad, bad, bad, bad,
bad, bad situation here, but we found a way to save the presidency, yes - it's a
FIRST: What the President is saying, ladies and gentlemen, is that
we have learned who is responsible for Orlando. We have the
(She hands Priest a video tape)
FIRST: Why don't you play it for them Reggie?
(He puts it into the machine)
FIRST: This tape was
found by ATF agents in another political party's head office, one hour before
Orlando was wiped out
(The tape plays. It shows Priest, dressed up
PRIEST: This is General Juan Pinata -
That's - that's a Cuban general!
FIRST: It's outrageous
PRIEST: It is the
destiny of Cuba to rid the world of the Yankee capitalistos, who always blame
Cuba for everything. And so, in one hour we will use one of our Russian warheads
from 1961 to blow up the city of Orlando - Florida, America - in one hour. We
may blow up other cities after this one, we may not, you never know. Because you
are all stupid Yankee pig-dogs. I spit on you!
(He spits, then stands
up. The camera follows him, getting a view through the window which looks a lot
PRIEST: Death to America! Death to stupid Yankee
pig-dogs in Orlando!
(He spits again, then walks off
PRIEST: It was Cuba after all
(But one of the
lady journalists isn't convinced)
JOURN2: Wasn't that the Washington
Monument in the background?
PRINCE: I think that was the Che Guevara Monument
JOURN1: How will you respond to this, Mr President?
First Lady stamps on Priest's foot)
PRIEST: Just throw me the damn
(Prince gets a football from a nearby bookshelf. It splits
in half, to show buttons on the right, a palm screen on the
PRIEST: We'll show them who's boss
PRINCE: To authorise the
launch codes, simply place your hand here, Mr President
PRIEST: I hereby
authorise launch codes for Operation Cigarillo
(He places his palm on
the screen, hits some buttons)
(Prince takes the football from him)
will respect you, Mr President. You've done the right thing. No foreign
greaseball's gonna push us around. It's strong leadership at the right time,
from a real war hero
(He salutes, as does Priest)
I swear that was the Washington Monument
PRINCE: Have you seen my butterfly
(The journalist shakes her head. Prince takes her
PRINCE: You'll love it. I'm very good - with
(The other journalists applaud Priest. Prince leads the
woman away, tosses the football, and smiles)
(Later, Prince watches TV in
his office. What's happened to the journalist? Nothing nice, I'm
ANCHOR: Here are some of the stories we're following for
tonight's edition of News Plus. The Dow Jones is up 456 points. Fire fighters
have been called in to retrieve a cat stuck in a power line along I95. Film at
11 - and Cuba was nuked off the face of the Earth late this afternoon by
President Priest, in retaliation for yesterday's evil attack on Orlando. There
has been no reaction so far from Havana. All this, and your late local forecast,
coming up on News Plus
(The phone rings. Prince answers
VOICE: Sir, this is NASA. We thought we should
inform you that our readings indicate that the Lexx at this moment has started
moving away from the Earth
(Prince hangs up, and sighs)
Lexx heads away from Earth. Prince's face appears on the view screen. He clears
his throat to get everyone's attention)
gets up on the pedestal. Xev stays where she is, lying on the
PRINCE: Hello, Stanley. It's nice to see you. And Kai - and
Xev, you as well of course. So, we're leaving Earth, are we?
PRINCE: That's a shame
STAN: Well, yes and no
STAN: All I can say is that I'm happy to be flying away from
PRINCE: Ah but Stanley, this planet is just so much fun
some of us don't find it fun to be - pinned to a wall and almost
PRINCE: Well that was just a little misunderstanding! Do you mind
telling me exactly where you're going?
XEV: The plan is we're going to drift
in space, until we find a nice planet
PRINCE: That's a good plan. You must
have worked on that for a long time
STAN: Well, we wouldn't have to drift if
the Lexx came down there and ate Washington DC, and you with it
why don't you?
STAN: Well we just might
PRINCE: I think you should stay,
Stanley. How would you like to be Vice President?
STAN: Yeah, right, what's
PRINCE: A very important position, with all the perks and privileges
you could ever want
STAN: No deal
PRINCE: Xev - you could be Queen of
(Xev sits up and listens)
STAN: She's not
PRINCE: The Queen of England owns her own beautiful island full
of gardens and antiques. The position is currently filled, but all it would take
to free it up would be a couple of phone calls (smiles)
STAN: She is
not interested in gardens or antiques!
PRINCE: Then what do you care about,
XEV: Why do you want us to stay, Prince?
PRINCE: Because I
STAN: The fact is Prince, as long as you are on that planet, we don't want
anything to do with it
PRINCE: Oh, that stings
XEV: I have an idea - Kai,
would you kill Prince if we both asked you to?
STAN: Yeah Kai,
you could go down to Earth and do your assassin thing on somebody who really
XEV: Yes, Kai, go down to Earth and kill Prince
PRINCE: Ah. There's one small tiny little flaw in your
XEV: Which is -?
PRINCE: You forget, I'm the head of the most
powerful institution on this planet - The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and
Firearms of the United States of America, and as such, I have an immense
capacity to protect myself. I can hide away so that you would never, ever find
XEV: Is that a problem?
KAI: No. As a Divine Assassin I performed many
difficult assassinations. For instance, Ring Torbin, the rebel leader on Phoebe
27. Ring Torbin buried himself deep inside the molten core of the planet. He was
protected by fifty thousand men with robot controlled ion weapons
STAN: And -
KAI: I had to kill 2,807 of his men before I killed him
KAI: I can eliminate Prince with complete certainty in a short
PRINCE: And if you kill me, what then? You know I can be reborn,
whenever and however I want
KAI: That was true on the planet Fire - but is it
true on Earth?
(He doesn't look too sure about
PRINCE: I think so
XEV: It can't be true on Earth. Look -
he's scared! You're scared, aren't you Prince?
STAN: Yeah, Xev is
PRINCE: You know that when you destroyed the planet Fire all of its
evil including me came here, so it makes no difference. This planet will be just
as bad whether I live or die. I'm just a drop in an ocean of badness - or,
rather, more of a bucketful
STAN: Oh, no no no no no no, you're wrong. You're
just trying to talk us out of killing you
PRINCE: On the contrary, I'm
XEV: Kai, do you think he's right?
PRINCE: So - good luck on your journey. You'll need it.
(He disappears from the screen)
XEV: Bye bye,
little blue planet
(The White House. Priest is at his desk. He
reaches for something from a box, but Prince slams the lid down, and glares at
PRIEST: You don't look happy, my prince
PRINCE: I'm not. Why
did you blow up Orlando?
PRIEST: Er - what do you mean?
PRINCE: I know
that you got Stanley Tweedle to blow up Orlando. My only question is, precisely
(Prince sits on Priest's desk, looking at
PRIEST: Just to cause trouble, my prince, you know, screw
things up, create chaos, just like you always want
(Prince leans over, whispers in his ear)
think you wanted to get rid of me -
PRIEST: Oo no, no -
PRINCE: - and
you thought I was in Miami, didn't you?
PRIEST: Well, yes, but -
- and you got Stanley Tweedle to fire one of the Lexx's shots at me, only it
missed and took out Orlando. Am I getting warm?
PRIEST: I don't know what to
(Prince leans back)
PRINCE: You say "You're right, my
PRIEST: You're right, my prince - but, but it was the First Lady's
idea! All hers (sobs) Only hers!
(Priest gets down on his
PRIEST: Forgive me, my prince
PRINCE: I'm not very good at
(He pulls Priest up by his ear)
Especially as your little prank has stranded me on this planet. Because of you,
I'm stuck here, do you understand?
(He lets go of Priest's ear, puts
his arm around his shoulder)
PRINCE: You have to be
PRIEST: Yes of course my prince, I deserve it. What is my
PRINCE: Have you ever been to Dallas?
PRIEST: What's Dallas?
(The next day, Dallas. A
chauffeur is driving Prince, Priest and the First Lady along Elm Street. The
First Lady is wearing a pink and black outfit, eating a bag of crisps. Prince is
on the phone)
PRINCE: I'm aware that this is not the usual protocol,
but I am issuing a specific order for the Secret Service, the CIA, the FBI and
the Dallas police to stand down. Thank you
(He puts the phone in his
pocket, turns to talk to Priest behind him)
PRINCE: So, Mr President
- welcome to Dallas
FIRST: What a dump
PRINCE: True - but Dallas plays an
important part in American history
PRIEST: Is that right?
Have you ever heard of JFK?
PRIEST: No, er, maybe
PRINCE: 22nd of November
PRIEST: Should I have?
(They drive past two ATF agents on a
PRINCE: Well, once upon a time, there was this
president called JFK. And this president had a very bad habit of not following
PRIEST: Oo - that's not good
PRINCE: No. Consequently he had to
be punished - just about here, as a matter of fact
(The car stops.
Prince puts on a bullet proof vest. The First Lady looks
FIRST: Oh. Oh!
FIRST: Oh no
(She throws her crisps away, and starts pulling at
FIRST: Quick - change seats!
argue with me, just do it!
(They change places. Prince looks back at
PRINCE: And I've brought you here because I thought
this would be a perfect spot to ask a question
PRINCE: Do you think you can follow orders?
PRIEST: Yes yes, of
course my prince - I will do anything you say
PRINCE: I wish I could believe
FIRST: Look, Reggie just agreed with you, what more do
you want? Now let's get going!
PRINCE: I really want to trust you Mr
President, I really do
FIRST: You can trust him, you can trust
PRINCE: I'm speaking to the President. The lesson to be learnt here is
that even kings can be killed. It's been that way for thousands of years.
Regicide happens all the time - especially to the stupid ones, who don't know
how to follow orders
(Prince mimes firing a gun, as ATF agents pop up
from behind a hedge. Prince puts on a helmet and ducks for cover as the firing
starts, from all directions. Priest hides behind the First Lady, who is hit
several times. The firing stops. Prince emerges, takes off his
FIRST: War hero, my ass
(She slumps over onto
PRIEST: I think she's dead
PRIEST: I'll get over it
(He smiles, pushes her body
PRINCE: A lesson well learned, wouldn't you
(The car drives on)
PRINCE: We'll have to get you a
new First Lady - time to trade up
PRIEST: Yes! Excellent idea, my prince.
I'll trade up
PRINCE: And you'll always remember who's in charge?
(He starts kissing Prince's hand)
PRIEST: Yes of
course, my prince. You are my prince
PRINCE: Yes, yes, thank
(He pulls his hand away)
(Later. A vet is pouring himself
a drink at the end of the day, when there's a knock at the
VET: Come in
(In comes the little old lady from the
start of the episode. Her cat waves its legs jerkily)
something wrong with my pussy, doctor
VET: What seems to be the
OLD: Well, I don't know. He's gone off his food, he doesn't purr
anymore - and he walks all stiffly. And sometimes he just flies round and round
VET: I beg your pardon?
OLD: He's not my little precious pussy
Buttons anymore! (cries)
VET: Well, let's take a little look, shall
(He puts Buttons on a table, gets out his stethoscope, has a
VET: So - how's Buttons today, huh?
OLD: You gotta do
VET: Oh yes, there seems to be something a little off
OLD: What? What?
VET: There seems to be something inside
OLD: Oh no!
(Suddenly, the cat splits open, and a carrot
probe leaps out at them)
© Filking Fairy
© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana