Lexx 4.04 Stan Down (written by Paul Donovan, Lex Gigeroff)
(Earth. A little old lady comes out of her house to feed the
cat)
OLD: Buttons! It's yummy yum yum time. Buttons! Buttons! Look
what mumsie's made for her very special Buttons - fresh catfish
supreme
(The cat growls, and stalks off under a
bush)
OLD: Don't you like your dinny din dins?
Buttons?
(There is a strange metallic screeching sound, followed by
the cat growling. The bush shakes, then the cat walks out - stiff legged, wide
eyed. The old lady picks up the cat, kisses it)
OLD: Oh, oh Buttons!
Oh Buttons, Buttons - is there something wrong with my poor little
pussy?
(The White House. President Priest is practising his
signature, while a waiter - wearing a uniform quite similar to Stan's - is
serving tea. The First Lady walks up to the desk - she looks familiar, last seen
as Lorca, one of the Stripper crew in 2.7 Love Grows)
FIRST: Are you
a man or a jellyfish? PRIEST: What, sweetie? FIRST: Are you a man, or a
spineless gutless jellyfish with no backbone whatsoever? PRIEST: Er - I'm a
man FIRST: You're a jellyfish. You take orders from Prince, and why the head
of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms should tell the President of the
United States what to do is beyond me. You're nothing but a snivelling dog,
Reggie PRIEST: Woof! FIRST: You give the orders, not Isambard Prince - and
he, and everyone else, has to follow them PRIEST: You really think that's
possible? FIRST: Yes you moron, you're the President! PRINCE: That's
right, I am FIRST: If you want, you can get rid of Prince - then you don't
have to take orders from him again
(Priest stands
up)
PRIEST: You're right FIRST: Always PRIEST: But how can I
get rid of him? FIRST: Anyway you want, Mr President
(She looks at
the waiter. Priest approaches him)
PRIEST: Your country has an
important mission for you
(A red car, driving to Orlando. Dad is
driving the car, stone faced. Long suffering Mom is eating some chips. In the
back, Junior is being a brat)
JUNIOR: Are we there yet? MOM: Not
yet, sweetie pie JUNIOR: When are we gonna get there?! MOM: We'll get
there when we get there, pumpkin JUNIOR: I wanna go to the alligator pit,
right now MOM: Mommy and daddy have promised that you can, sweetie JUNIOR:
The alligator pit! The alligator pit! MOM: We have to get there first,
sugar JUNIOR: I'm hungry
(Mom passes back the
chips)
JUNIOR: I hate those MOM: Oh, you love them JUNIOR: I
hate those! And I want to shoot something
(Dad opens a can of drink,
which fizzes all over his face. Mom and Junior think this is hilarious. Dad
doesn't)
(The ATF bunker. Stan has somehow managed to nod off, still
strapped to the wall. He wakes with a start)
STAN: Oh, oh! - oh, why
can't this just be a dream? Why can't I just wake up in my own bed on the Lexx?
This definitely is not my bed
(Far below, a door opens. In come
President Priest and the waiter, whose uniform is hidden under a black
jacket)
GUARD: Mr President PRIEST: I'd like to have a word with
prisoner Tweedle GUARD: Sir, I don't know if you have the proper clearance
for that here PRIEST: Look here, I'm the President, I can do what I want, now
leave me GUARD: Yes sir
(The guards leave. Priest checks the
waiter's uniform is still out of sight. Then he checks the door - the guards are
listening outside)
PRIEST: Go, get out of here!
(He shoos
the guards away, then operates a control. The slab Stanley is attached to is
lowered, though still not down to ground level)
PRIEST: Stanley
Tweedle - we have something in common, you and I STAN: What? PRIEST: Our
strong feelings about Isambard Prince STAN: Oh yeah, I got some strong
feelings about him. They're not the same ones you have! PRIEST: Perhaps they
are. I feel strongly that this planet would be a better place as far as both you
and I were concerned if Prince were, er - no longer here STAN:
What? PRIEST: Let me ask you, Captain Tweedle - you don't mind if I call you
that? STAN: So, no PRIEST: Captain Tweedle, could you use the Lexx to, er
- destroy Prince? STAN: Yeah, I think so. But if I do, what's in it for
me? PRIEST: I'll make you a - a king STAN: What, king of the whole
planet? PRIEST: Oo, no, not the whole planet. But you could rule your own
country, mmm - that!
(He points at the large screen overhead, which
is showing a satellite image of Nova Scotia and Newfoundland. A couple of place
names are highlighted - Shag Harbour and Dildo Bay)
PRIEST: That
great big island. You can be king of Newfoundland STAN: What's it
like? PRIEST: It's paradise. A beautiful island paradise of wine, women and
constant song. Big sunny gardens, all year round STAN: What are the women
like? PRIEST: Not very picky (chuckles) if you know what I
mean
(Stan looks at the screen - of course, he can't read
English)
STAN: King of New - New - what? PRIEST:
Newfoundland STAN: King of Newfoundland, huh?
(Xev and Kai get off
a bus in Washington)
XEV: So how do we find Stan?
(Kai
turns to a passenger, trying to get off the bus behind them)
KAI:
Excuse me. I am looking for Stanley Tweedle. He is in this city. How would I
find him? PASS: Better get yourself a new hairdo, freako (to Xev)
Hey, baby
(He pushes Kai aside)
PASS: Outta my way,
bunhead!
(Kai grabs the man, puts his brace to his throat. Meanwhile
Xev strokes the man's hair)
KAI: Who is in charge of this
city? PASS: The President. In the White House. Pennsylvania Avenue KAI:
Thank you
(Kai lets the man go)
XEV: Nice work - bunhead
(smiles)
(Stan is now down from the wall, wearing the
waiter's suit over his uniform. Priest hands him a piece of Oval Office note
paper, covered in scribbles)
STAN: So, this makes me King of , er -
(Priest turns the paper the right way up for
him)
PRIEST: Newfoundland, yes. By my supreme executive authority, I
invest you as the king STAN: Excellent. I'll call you as soon as we get back
to the Lexx PRIEST: How? STAN: Oh, we're much more advanced than you are.
I can call right to your desk
(Stan gets into the
moth)
PRIEST: Good. And I'll find out where Prince is STAN: Find
out exactly where PRIEST: Exactly, yes STAN: Time to close the book on
Prince
(The moth takes off, and Priest laughs. The roof of the bunker
opens, and the moth flies away)
(Xev and Kai have just arrived outside
the White House)
XEV: Look!
(She points at the moth
overhead. Kai fires his brace, grabs the moth's leg)
XEV: Gimmee a
ride? KAI: Hold on tight
(Xev puts her arm around his neck. Stan
looks down, and is delighted to see them. They fly away into the sky)
(In
the ATF bunker, Prince walks into his office - two guards
follow)
PRINCE: You're sure it was the President? GUARD: Yes
sir PRINCE: And what exactly were he and Stanley Tweedle talking
about? GUARD: We don't know sir PRINCE: Why not?
(Prince sits
down behind his desk)
GUARD: He asked us to leave the
chamber PRINCE: Well why didn't you come up here? GUARD: We - didn't know
that was allowed, sir PRINCE: Well the next time that Stanley Tweedle and the
President have a little chit chat, you have my permission to come into this
office. You can hear them quite well from here GUARD: Yes sir PRINCE:
Thank you
(The guards leave. Prince switches on his large overhead TV
screen. It has a small window for Tweedle cam in the corner, but for now Prince
concentrates on the news)
ANCHOR: This just in - the Sacred College
of Cardinals of the Catholic Church have finally chosen a new Pope. Although
it's not a requirement of canon law, the college normally elects one of its own
members as leader of the world's more than one billion Catholics. But in a
surprise break from tradition, they've made a - real estate agent from Miami,
Genevieve G Rota, the new Holy Father of the Catholic
Church
(Genevieve G Rota is non other than our old friend Giggerota,
last seen as Queen in 3.11 Girltown. Currently with big hair, short skirt, and a
wonderfully un-Pope like leopard print top)
GGROTA: I'm His
Holiness? I'm the Holy Father? I'm the Pope! Oh my goodness! I'm the Pope, I
can't believe it
(She pulls one of her real estate signs out of the
ground, and starts to sing)
GGROTA: I'm the Pope, it ain't no joke,
everybody, I'm the Pope! I'm the Pope. I ain't no dope. I offer hope - wine,
wafers and water and wine. Kiss my ring and cross my heart!
(She
holds up the sign as a cross. A Cardinal Meinpo Duftet is
interviewed)
CARDINAL: We were deadlocked for a week, between the
Cardinal of Valencia and the Cardinal of Milan. It was getting so acrimonious,
we decided to pick a compromise candidate at random from the newspaper. Once
conclave begins, no communication is allowed with the outside world, and the
only newspaper we had was the real estate section of the Miami Herald. We chose
Genevieve because her name has a nice Catholic ring to it
(Prince
enlarges the Stan screen, glances at it, then picks up the
phone)
PRINCE: Isambard Prince, for the President VOICE: I'm
sorry sir. The President's, er - away PRINCE: Away, where? VOICE: Just -
away. sir PRINCE: The President didn't tell me that he was going
away VOICE: Would you like to leave a message?
(Prince hangs up
the phone, enlarges the Stan cam - and now he can see it's the waiter. He
switches off the screen, and leaves his office)
(The moth flies past the
moon)
(In the car. Junior is eating a burger, Dad is having a drink. Mom
is having a moan)
MOM: "We're going to Orlando this year, I promise"
That's what you said. Your exact words. I assumed that meant that you wanted to
go. You said we were going to go last year - of course, we didn't go anywhere
last year. You said we were gonna go the year before - and the year before that.
Each time you had a reason why you couldn't. You always have a reason why you
can't do anything JUNIOR: The alligator pit! The alligator pit! MOM: We're
almost there, lambikins JUNIOR: The alligator pit! The alligator pit! MOM:
Look, we all want to get to the alligator pit, sweetheart. That is, as long as
your father doesn't screw up this time, like he always does
(Dad
glares, and crushes his drink can)
(The White House. The First Lady is
staring in disbelief at Priest)
FIRST: That's your plan? That's the
dumbest thing I've ever heard PRIEST: No, sweetie - Captain Tweedle says his
spaceship can fire a tiny little beam, at precisely - FIRST: And you believed
him? PRIEST: Well, yes FIRST: You know, I knew you were dumb Reggie, but I
had no idea you were actually retarded
(She grabs him by his
ear)
FIRST: How are you going to pinpoint Prince? Is he gonna go
around telling you precisely where he is?
(The phone rings. Priest
wriggles free to answer it)
PRIEST: Yeah? (whispers to her)
It's Prince! Isambard - how are you? And where are you? PRINCE: I just called
to tell you I'm in Miami, for a couple of days, to meet with some Cuban hit
men
(He's not in Miami at all - he's in his
office)
PRIEST: Er, good good, fine fine (whispers) He's
gone to Miami! So, where in Miami are you, exactly? PRINCE: My meeting's
taking place in a small yacht, about two miles off South Beach - why? PRIEST:
Er, Isambard, I've got to go. Call me back
(Priest hangs up. Prince
looks at the phone)
PRIEST: Find a map FIRST: This is
crazy PRIEST: No it's not!
(The First Lady gets a kiddie atlas
from the top drawer of the desk. Priest flicks through the
pages)
FIRST: It'll never work PRIEST: America, America - there.
There it is. Miami. It's right there on that land that sticks out FIRST: That
land that sticks out is called Florida (she looks at him) You don't
know that, war hero? PRIEST: Oo - well, thirty years in the jungle causes you
to forget - things
(The Lexx is in orbit around the moon. Kai, Xev
and Stan walk onto the bridge. 790 is already there, on his
trolley)
KAI: 790 790: Kai-o-licious!
(He has little
Kais in his eyes. A phone rings)
STAN: Lexx, what was that? LEXX:
A communication signal, Stanley STAN: Well (he gets up on pedestal)
- connect us! LEXX: As you command, Stan
(In the White House,
Priest is on a mobile phone with a small satellite dish)
PRIEST:
Stanley? Captain Tweedle, is that you? STAN: Yes, yeah, it's me PRIEST:
Prince is on a boat off Miami. He promised to call back soon with his exact
precise location, are you listening? STAN: Yeah, yeah, I'm
listening PRIEST: OK
(A phone rings on his desk. He holds it to
his other ear)
PRIEST: Prince? PRINCE: Yes?
(He's
still in his office, holding a small potted plant)
PRIEST: Are you
still there, where you are? On a boat? PRINCE: Yes, I'm still here PRIEST:
Oh, sorry about that, I was on the other line PRINCE: I'm off the coast of
Florida - that's the bit that sticks out at the bottom right hand corner of the
United States PRIEST: Off Miami, right? PRINCE: Yes, I'm in a small boat
off South Beach PRIEST: Could - could you say exactly how far off? PRINCE:
Why? PRIEST: Well, er, I, I just like to know exactly where my trusty old
number two man - I mean, number one man, is (laughs) PRINCE: I see.
Well, just, just give me a moment here please
(He keeps Priest
waiting)
PRINCE: My exact position is 25 degrees 45 minutes north,
by 80 degrees 16 minutes west. Did you get that?
(Priest and the
First Lady search frantically for pen and paper)
PRIEST: Oh, I am
sorry - could you repeat that? PRINCE: 25 degrees 45 minutes north, by 80
degrees 16 minutes west PRIEST: Thank you, Isambard PRINCE:
(laughs) It's my pleasure PRIEST: Now, what was it that you were
calling about? PRINCE: Oh, it's the Cubans, sir PRIEST: The Cubans, hmm, I
see PRINCE: Yes, the Miami Cubans. I'm arranging for them to take care of a
little problem for me PRIEST: Mm, I see, good good, fine
fine
(Prince's office is actually underneath the White House, beneath
where the skeletons are buried)
PRINCE: It's the type of problem
they're quite experienced with, so I won't bore you with the details just
yet PRIEST: Yes, you handle it. You are my number one. Well, bye bye
Isambard PRINCE: Bye bye
(Priest hangs up, speaks to
Stan)
PRIEST: Did you get all that? STAN: Yeah yeah yeah yeah, I
got it
(Priest hangs up the other phone. He stands and looks at the
First Lady)
PRIEST: And what do you think? FIRST: I think you
should have rotted in the jungles of Vietnam, and I should have married Dr
Schnapsklapper
(The Lexx moves to point directly at the
Earth)
STAN: OK Lexx - I want you to fire a tiny beam, at a teeny
weeny tiny target LEXX: I will always do as you command, captain STAN:
Good. OK Lexx - I want you to fire your weapon - XEV: Stan! What are you
doing? STAN: Now Xev, look, I know that you think that sometimes I make
really stupid decisions, and I admit, once or twice in the past, maybe I coulda
done things a bit better, but trust me on this one. What I am doing is for the
greater good of everybody XEV: Do you mind if I ask how? And what exactly you
have in mind then? STAN: I'm gonna get the Lexx to fire a tiny thin beam at a
precise spot on that planet, and then (clicks his fingers) no more
Prince XEV: Do you think the Lexx can do that? STAN: Xev, look, we did
some target practice a little while ago, and the Lexx fired a tiny beam at a
little object that was - really really far away, so this should be easy. Right,
Lexx? LEXX: I will do as you command, Stan XEV: I don't know,
Stan STAN: Oh, come on Xev! The Lexx and I are really good together XEV:
Oh, sure you are! What if it doesn't work? Then you'll end up killing thousands
and thousands of innocent people STAN: Look Xev - the only chance that entire
planet has is with Prince out of the way, now you know that's true KAI: Are
you sure it is possible to kill Prince in the conventional sense? XEV: You
mean, after he's dead, he might be able to come back, like he did on
Fire? KAI: Yes STAN: Yeah, but we don't know for sure! We shouldn't miss
this chance. Besides, I'm the captain of this ship, and I hereby declare by my -
supreme executive authority, that we are gonna blow up Prince, the ultimate
embodiment of evil, who we know - right now - is on a little boat off the coast
of Miami, Florida - therefore making this planet a much better place for me, for
you, for everybody! Now Lexx - you see that bit that sticks out there? LEXX:
Yes, Stan STAN: Are you aimed at it? LEXX: Yes, Stan STAN: Good. OK
Lexx - I want you to fire a tiny thin beam, at -(he can't remember the
co-ordinates) 28 degrees by 45 minutes north, by 81 degrees point 15
minutes west
(Xev shakes her head)
LEXX: As you command,
Stan
(The Lexx powers up, and fires a bolt)
(In his office,
Prince nibbles on the plant - he doesn't like it. He switches on a small
television)
(In the White House, Priest and the First Lady stick their
fingers in their ears)
(On the bridge, Stan, Kai and Xev watch the view
screen)
(In the car, the family are nearly at Orlando)
MOM:
Is that it? Oh, don't you just love it?! It's beautiful! JUNIOR: Alligator
pit! Alligator pit!
(Mom looks at Dad, who just sits
there)
MOM: You're no fun at all, do you know that?
(Dad
is watching the blast from the Lexx racing ahead of them. It hits
Orlando)
(Stan puts his head in his hands)
STAN: Oh, man
-
(An alligator's head lands on the hood of the car. Mom is
screaming, Junior is crying - Dad is laughing. He carries on driving, a plume of
smoke in front of them, flaming debris falling through the sky behind
them)
(In the White House, the phone rings)
PRIEST:
Prince?
(Prince is making gurgling noises on the other end. Priest
hangs up. He and the First Lady smile. The TV is on)
ANCHOR: We
interrupt this programme for a special news bulletin. Moments ago, a massive
explosion seems to have completely obliterated the city of Orlando,
Florida
(Priest and the First Lady sink down onto a
couch)
ANCHOR: Again, the city of Orlando, Florida has suffered a
massive explosion PRIEST: Orlando? FIRST: Idiot
(The Lexx view
screen shows a crater where Orlando was)
XEV: Good shot STAN:
Lexx, you hit the wrong place! LEXX: I am sorry Stanley - I tried my
best STAN: How could you miss! LEXX: I like to blow up whole planets. That
is what I was designed for. I will try again if you like STAN: No! 790:
Congratulations, mass murderer STAN: Oh, as if that matters to you! That's
it. I'm outta here. I've had it with this whole stupid planet, I've had it with
Prince, and I've had it with everything. I say we just get outta here right now,
and take our chances someplace else. Lexx - get us outta here now! LEXX: I am
very weak Stanley. Unless I eat a lot more I will not be able to go very far
very quickly STAN: Look Lexx, we'll find you something else to eat along the
way, OK? Let's just, just, you know, just go! LEXX: As you request, captain -
but I will only be able to go very very slowly STAN: Well, as long as you're
moving
(The Lexx starts to move away from the Earth)
XEV:
Stan - I don't wanna go just yet STAN: Well Xev, if you don't wanna go just
yet, you get in a moth and you go down to that planet, but don't expect me to
wait for you, because I'm leaving, right now! XEV: All because Prince is
still down there, right? STAN: That alone would be good enough reason for
me! 790: I think you should both go down there and stay STAN: Oh, shut up,
metal mouth! 790: I'm sure the two of you would be perfectly happy
there XEV: Stan, turn the Lexx around STAN: I'm sorry Xev
(He
sits down on the pedestal)
STAN: We'll find you a nice place later
on, OK? With no Prince on it. I promise
(Back in the White House, the
First Lady is hitting Priest with a broom)
FIRST: You low-grade
idiot! PRIEST: What? FIRST: Prince is still alive! Not only that, you just
blew up Orlando! PRIEST: I tried my best, sweetie FIRST: Don't you call me
sweetie, you little war hero!
(She leans on the desk,
scared)
FIRST: What are we gonna do, Reggie? PRIEST: I don't
know
(He tries to stroke her face, but she stamps on his
foot)
FIRST: What are they gonna do to us when they find out?
They're gonna take all this away - from me. You'll go to the electric chair, and
I won't be First Lady any more. And what'll Prince do to us when he finds
out? PRINCE: Finds out - what?
(Priest and the First Lady look up,
all smiles. Prince has just walked into the office)
PRIEST/FIRST:
Prince! PRINCE: Finds out - what? PRIEST: Oo - nothing FIRST: We
thought you were in Miami PRINCE: Yes. Well I'm not
(He smiles,
walks up to the desk)
PRINCE: Mr President - it appears that we've
had a spot of bother, in Orlando PRIEST: Yes, it's terrible, isn't
it FIRST: It's awful PRINCE: All those cute little plastic animals melted
and charred beyond recognition, well -
(He laughs, and sits down in
the President's chair)
PRINCE: Do we have any idea what happened
yet? PRIEST: Oo, no. Maybe it just, um - exploded by itself? You know, one
minute it's there, the next minute - pfft! (laughs) PRINCE: Well
that's an interesting theory, Mr President, but I doubt that the people will
accept such an explanation. When something as terrible as this happens, someone
must be seen to pay for it, otherwise the public will not be satisfied. And as
you know - this is exactly the sort of incident that gets a presidency into
trouble FIRST: You're absolutely right, Isambard. Our very presidency is at
stake - and it's far too big a matter for our moronic president to take care of.
I have a plan, to turn this thing around
(She strokes Prince's
hair)
(Meanwhile, back on the Lexx - )
XEV: Leaving this
planet without any idea where we are going is not a very bright
decision STAN: Too bad, I'm captain and you're not KAI: You may not be
able to reach a life bearing planet unless the Lexx eats, Stanley STAN: Well,
what do you care, you're dead KAI: You and Xev however are alive. It could
take the Lexx many thousands of years to reach a suitable planet in its weakened
condition. You will of course choose to enter cryosleep, but the cryopods may
not continue to function properly for that length of time STAN: OK then, I'll
let the Lexx eat (stands up) Lexx - is there something down there,
small enough you can eat that's enough to keep you going at full speed? LEXX:
Yes, Stanley - I will be able to go full speed if I ate just that small little
part of the blue planet
(A view of Holland appears on the
screen)
LEXX: It has lots of green goodness and yummy protein, and
not too many hard rocks 790: That land mass the Lexx is referring to is a
country called Holland STAN: Fine. Lexx - I order you to eat - XEV: Wait
a second - if that's a country, then doesn't it possibly have lots of
people? 790: Holland appears to be densely populated - which means it would
supply Lexx with plenty of protein XEV: Stan, you can't order the Lexx to
just eat a country - that's mass murder
(Stan leans down to
her)
STAN: Well, maybe technically speaking it's mass murder, but -
(Xev grabs hold of his uniform)
XEV: It's wrong Stanley,
and you know it
(She walks away from him)
STAN: It's a
Type 13 planet, Xev, it's doomed anyway! Lexx, I order you to eat
Holland! LEXX: As you request, Stan - and thank you. Holland looks very
tasty
(The Lexx turns back to Earth)
XEV: Kai - if I
asked you to, would you kill Stanley? STAN: Hey! XEV: If you kill Stan,
the key will come back to me, right? STAN: Hey hey hey hey! KAI: Yes. If I
kill Stan the key will flow to you and you will become captain of the Lexx
(Stan gets down from the pedestal, looks at Kai)
STAN:
Oh come on, but you wouldn't really do that would you, Kai old buddy old pal,
you wouldn't kill me, I mean, you're a former assassin, right? KAI: Although
I have no feeling for the people of Holland, I am aware that morally speaking it
is not right to sacrifice a whole nation for one man's individual gain.
Therefore, if Xev were to ask me to - I would
(Stan backs
away)
STAN: OK Kai, I order you - not to kill me. So if Xev asks you
to kill me, the two orders cancel each other out, right? KAI: Yes - but your
choice to destroy Holland tips the scales. So, if Xev asks me to - I will kill
you, Stanley XEV: Turn the Lexx around, Stan STAN: No XEV: Yes 790:
Kill them both Kai! That's my vote XEV: Oh, shut up! STAN: Come on now
guys, this isn't funny anymore, OK? Look, we can't stay here, and we can't go
unless the Lexx eats. What choice do we have?
(Kai readies his
brace)
KAI: Xev? STAN: Lexx - seal the bridge! LEXX: As you
command, Stan
(Stan runs into the passageway, and a membrane forms
across it behind him)
XEV: I didn't know the Lexx could do
that
(On the other side, Stan claps his hands,
laughs)
STAN: Oh Lexx my friend, you are so full of surprises! OK
guys - I'm not gonna let you out until you promise not to kill me, OK? Guys?
Look, I'm doing this for your own good KAI: Do you wish me to kill
Stanley?
(Xev touches the membrane)
XEV: What about
this? KAI: Such barriers are not meaningful to a Divine Assassin STAN: OK
guys - do I win, or what?
(Xev stands aside, and Kai fires through
the membrane, grabbing Stan's throat)
STAN: Lexx - I command you not
to eat Holland! LEXX: But I'm very hungry, Stan STAN: Sorry Lexx - turn
around and get out of this solar system as fast as you can LEXX: Oh - all
right
(Kai retracts his brace. The Lexx turns away from
Earth)
(The White House. Prince, Priest and the First Lady have been
joined by two men and two women)
PRINCE: We invited you, our
country's senior journalists, to come to the Oval Office today so that the
President could brief you privately on the tragedy at Orlando. Mr President -
PRIEST: Yes?
(Prince motions for him to rise)
PRIEST:
Thank you, Isambard. Ladies and gentlemen - we have got a bad, bad, bad, bad,
bad, bad situation here, but we found a way to save the presidency, yes - it's a
good day FIRST: What the President is saying, ladies and gentlemen, is that
we have learned who is responsible for Orlando. We have the
proof
(She hands Priest a video tape)
PRIEST: Right
here FIRST: Why don't you play it for them Reggie? PRIEST:
Right
(He puts it into the machine)
FIRST: This tape was
found by ATF agents in another political party's head office, one hour before
Orlando was wiped out
(The tape plays. It shows Priest, dressed up
like Castro)
PRIEST: This is General Juan Pinata - JOURN1:
That's - that's a Cuban general! FIRST: It's outrageous PRIEST: It is the
destiny of Cuba to rid the world of the Yankee capitalistos, who always blame
Cuba for everything. And so, in one hour we will use one of our Russian warheads
from 1961 to blow up the city of Orlando - Florida, America - in one hour. We
may blow up other cities after this one, we may not, you never know. Because you
are all stupid Yankee pig-dogs. I spit on you!
(He spits, then stands
up. The camera follows him, getting a view through the window which looks a lot
like Washington)
PRIEST: Death to America! Death to stupid Yankee
pig-dogs in Orlando!
(He spits again, then walks off
camera)
PRIEST: It was Cuba after all
(But one of the
lady journalists isn't convinced)
JOURN2: Wasn't that the Washington
Monument in the background? PRINCE: I think that was the Che Guevara Monument
in Havana JOURN1: How will you respond to this, Mr President?
(The
First Lady stamps on Priest's foot)
PRIEST: Just throw me the damn
football
(Prince gets a football from a nearby bookshelf. It splits
in half, to show buttons on the right, a palm screen on the
left)
PRIEST: We'll show them who's boss PRINCE: To authorise the
launch codes, simply place your hand here, Mr President PRIEST: I hereby
authorise launch codes for Operation Cigarillo
(He places his palm on
the screen, hits some buttons)
PRIEST: Adios,
Cuba
(Prince takes the football from him)
JOURN1: America
will respect you, Mr President. You've done the right thing. No foreign
greaseball's gonna push us around. It's strong leadership at the right time,
from a real war hero
(He salutes, as does Priest)
JOURN2:
I swear that was the Washington Monument PRINCE: Have you seen my butterfly
room?
(The journalist shakes her head. Prince takes her
arm)
PRINCE: You'll love it. I'm very good - with
butterflies
(The other journalists applaud Priest. Prince leads the
woman away, tosses the football, and smiles)
(Later, Prince watches TV in
his office. What's happened to the journalist? Nothing nice, I'm
sure)
ANCHOR: Here are some of the stories we're following for
tonight's edition of News Plus. The Dow Jones is up 456 points. Fire fighters
have been called in to retrieve a cat stuck in a power line along I95. Film at
11 - and Cuba was nuked off the face of the Earth late this afternoon by
President Priest, in retaliation for yesterday's evil attack on Orlando. There
has been no reaction so far from Havana. All this, and your late local forecast,
coming up on News Plus
(The phone rings. Prince answers
it)
PRINCE: Yes? VOICE: Sir, this is NASA. We thought we should
inform you that our readings indicate that the Lexx at this moment has started
moving away from the Earth
(Prince hangs up, and sighs)
(The
Lexx heads away from Earth. Prince's face appears on the view screen. He clears
his throat to get everyone's attention)
STAN: Prince!
(He
gets up on the pedestal. Xev stays where she is, lying on the
floor)
PRINCE: Hello, Stanley. It's nice to see you. And Kai - and
Xev, you as well of course. So, we're leaving Earth, are we? STAN: We
are PRINCE: That's a shame STAN: Well, yes and no PRINCE: How
so? STAN: All I can say is that I'm happy to be flying away from
you PRINCE: Ah but Stanley, this planet is just so much fun STAN: Well,
some of us don't find it fun to be - pinned to a wall and almost
killed! PRINCE: Well that was just a little misunderstanding! Do you mind
telling me exactly where you're going? XEV: The plan is we're going to drift
in space, until we find a nice planet PRINCE: That's a good plan. You must
have worked on that for a long time STAN: Well, we wouldn't have to drift if
the Lexx came down there and ate Washington DC, and you with it PRINCE: Well
why don't you? STAN: Well we just might PRINCE: I think you should stay,
Stanley. How would you like to be Vice President? STAN: Yeah, right, what's
that? PRINCE: A very important position, with all the perks and privileges
you could ever want STAN: No deal PRINCE: Xev - you could be Queen of
England
(Xev sits up and listens)
STAN: She's not
interested! PRINCE: The Queen of England owns her own beautiful island full
of gardens and antiques. The position is currently filled, but all it would take
to free it up would be a couple of phone calls (smiles) STAN: She is
not interested in gardens or antiques! PRINCE: Then what do you care about,
Stanley? XEV: Why do you want us to stay, Prince? PRINCE: Because I
do STAN: The fact is Prince, as long as you are on that planet, we don't want
anything to do with it PRINCE: Oh, that stings XEV: I have an idea - Kai,
would you kill Prince if we both asked you to? KAI: Yes STAN: Yeah Kai,
you could go down to Earth and do your assassin thing on somebody who really
deserves it XEV: Yes, Kai, go down to Earth and kill Prince
(smiles) PRINCE: Ah. There's one small tiny little flaw in your
thinking XEV: Which is -? PRINCE: You forget, I'm the head of the most
powerful institution on this planet - The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and
Firearms of the United States of America, and as such, I have an immense
capacity to protect myself. I can hide away so that you would never, ever find
me XEV: Is that a problem? KAI: No. As a Divine Assassin I performed many
difficult assassinations. For instance, Ring Torbin, the rebel leader on Phoebe
27. Ring Torbin buried himself deep inside the molten core of the planet. He was
protected by fifty thousand men with robot controlled ion weapons STAN: And -
? KAI: I had to kill 2,807 of his men before I killed him STAN: Ha
ha! KAI: I can eliminate Prince with complete certainty in a short
time PRINCE: And if you kill me, what then? You know I can be reborn,
whenever and however I want KAI: That was true on the planet Fire - but is it
true on Earth? PRINCE: Yes
(He doesn't look too sure about
this)
PRINCE: I think so XEV: It can't be true on Earth. Look -
he's scared! You're scared, aren't you Prince? STAN: Yeah, Xev is
right PRINCE: You know that when you destroyed the planet Fire all of its
evil including me came here, so it makes no difference. This planet will be just
as bad whether I live or die. I'm just a drop in an ocean of badness - or,
rather, more of a bucketful STAN: Oh, no no no no no no, you're wrong. You're
just trying to talk us out of killing you PRINCE: On the contrary, I'm
right XEV: Kai, do you think he's right? KAI: Yes
(Kai turns
away)
PRINCE: So - good luck on your journey. You'll need it.
Cheerie bye
(He disappears from the screen)
XEV: Bye bye,
little blue planet
(The White House. Priest is at his desk. He
reaches for something from a box, but Prince slams the lid down, and glares at
him)
PRIEST: You don't look happy, my prince PRINCE: I'm not. Why
did you blow up Orlando? PRIEST: Er - what do you mean? PRINCE: I know
that you got Stanley Tweedle to blow up Orlando. My only question is, precisely
why?
(Prince sits on Priest's desk, looking at
him)
PRIEST: Just to cause trouble, my prince, you know, screw
things up, create chaos, just like you always want PRINCE: Really? PRIEST:
Mm hmm
(Prince leans over, whispers in his ear)
PRINCE: I
think you wanted to get rid of me - PRIEST: Oo no, no - PRINCE: - and
you thought I was in Miami, didn't you? PRIEST: Well, yes, but - PRINCE:
- and you got Stanley Tweedle to fire one of the Lexx's shots at me, only it
missed and took out Orlando. Am I getting warm? PRIEST: I don't know what to
say
(Prince leans back)
PRINCE: You say "You're right, my
prince" PRIEST: You're right, my prince - but, but it was the First Lady's
idea! All hers (sobs) Only hers!
(Priest gets down on his
knees)
PRIEST: Forgive me, my prince PRINCE: I'm not very good at
forgiveness
(He pulls Priest up by his ear)
PRINCE:
Especially as your little prank has stranded me on this planet. Because of you,
I'm stuck here, do you understand?
(He lets go of Priest's ear, puts
his arm around his shoulder)
PRINCE: You have to be
punished PRIEST: Yes of course my prince, I deserve it. What is my
punishment? PRINCE: Have you ever been to Dallas?
(smiles) PRIEST: What's Dallas?
(The next day, Dallas. A
chauffeur is driving Prince, Priest and the First Lady along Elm Street. The
First Lady is wearing a pink and black outfit, eating a bag of crisps. Prince is
on the phone)
PRINCE: I'm aware that this is not the usual protocol,
but I am issuing a specific order for the Secret Service, the CIA, the FBI and
the Dallas police to stand down. Thank you
(He puts the phone in his
pocket, turns to talk to Priest behind him)
PRINCE: So, Mr President
- welcome to Dallas FIRST: What a dump PRINCE: True - but Dallas plays an
important part in American history PRIEST: Is that right? PRINCE: Hmm.
Have you ever heard of JFK? PRIEST: No, er, maybe PRINCE: 22nd of November
1963? PRIEST: Should I have?
(They drive past two ATF agents on a
grassy knoll)
PRINCE: Well, once upon a time, there was this
president called JFK. And this president had a very bad habit of not following
orders - PRIEST: Oo - that's not good PRINCE: No. Consequently he had to
be punished - just about here, as a matter of fact
(The car stops.
Prince puts on a bullet proof vest. The First Lady looks
around)
FIRST: Oh. Oh! PRIEST: What? FIRST: Oh no PRIEST:
What?
(She throws her crisps away, and starts pulling at
Priest)
FIRST: Quick - change seats! PRIEST: Why? FIRST: Don't
argue with me, just do it!
(They change places. Prince looks back at
Priest again)
PRINCE: And I've brought you here because I thought
this would be a perfect spot to ask a question PRIEST: What
question? PRINCE: Do you think you can follow orders? PRIEST: Yes yes, of
course my prince - I will do anything you say PRINCE: I wish I could believe
you (smiles) FIRST: Look, Reggie just agreed with you, what more do
you want? Now let's get going! PRINCE: I really want to trust you Mr
President, I really do FIRST: You can trust him, you can trust
him! PRINCE: I'm speaking to the President. The lesson to be learnt here is
that even kings can be killed. It's been that way for thousands of years.
Regicide happens all the time - especially to the stupid ones, who don't know
how to follow orders
(Prince mimes firing a gun, as ATF agents pop up
from behind a hedge. Prince puts on a helmet and ducks for cover as the firing
starts, from all directions. Priest hides behind the First Lady, who is hit
several times. The firing stops. Prince emerges, takes off his
helmet)
FIRST: War hero, my ass
(She slumps over onto
Priest's lap)
PRIEST: I think she's dead PRINCE: So
sad PRIEST: I'll get over it
(He smiles, pushes her body
away)
PRINCE: A lesson well learned, wouldn't you
say?
(The car drives on)
PRINCE: We'll have to get you a
new First Lady - time to trade up PRIEST: Yes! Excellent idea, my prince.
I'll trade up PRINCE: And you'll always remember who's in charge? PRIEST:
Yes
(He starts kissing Prince's hand)
PRIEST: Yes of
course, my prince. You are my prince PRINCE: Yes, yes, thank
you
(He pulls his hand away)
(Later. A vet is pouring himself
a drink at the end of the day, when there's a knock at the
door)
VET: Come in
(In comes the little old lady from the
start of the episode. Her cat waves its legs jerkily)
OLD: There's
something wrong with my pussy, doctor VET: What seems to be the
problem? OLD: Well, I don't know. He's gone off his food, he doesn't purr
anymore - and he walks all stiffly. And sometimes he just flies round and round
the room VET: I beg your pardon? OLD: He's not my little precious pussy
Buttons anymore! (cries) VET: Well, let's take a little look, shall
we?
(He puts Buttons on a table, gets out his stethoscope, has a
feel)
VET: So - how's Buttons today, huh? OLD: You gotta do
something doctor VET: Oh yes, there seems to be something a little off
here OLD: What? What? VET: There seems to be something inside
Buttons OLD: Oh no!
(Suddenly, the cat splits open, and a carrot
probe leaps out at them)
© Filking Fairy
© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana
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