Lexx 4.06 The Rock
(written by Paul Donovan, Lex Gigeroff)
(To any Newfoundlanders reading this - I apologise in advance for
any spelling mistakes)
(A moth flies through the clouds. Inside are
Stan, Kai and Xev, who is wearing her blue poodle outfit. Stan looks down at an
STAN: Is that Transylvania down there?
KAI: I believe it
is an island called Newfoundland
STAN: Newfoundland (thinks)
(Kai nods. Stan gets out his letter from Priest, and
hands it to Kai)
STAN: What does that say?
KAI: It says "From the
office of the President of the United States of America - mmmmm, eruuuuum, mmm -
President Reginald J Priest" There is nothing else here I can
STAN: But it does have the President's name on it?
STAN: OK, then that makes me king of Newfoundland. That's it down there.
I say we go down, and visit my subjects
XEV: What about
STAN: Transylvania can wait
(The moth flies over
icebergs, into a harbour. They land, and have to scramble over snow covered
rocks to get down onto the street)
STAN: President Priest said this
was a sunny warm green paradise
XEV: I guess he lied
STAN: Well, maybe
somewhere else, right? It's a big island, right?
KAI: From the air, the
entire island appeared to be completely covered with snow
is freezing in her skimpy outfit, takes a fluffy robe from a washing line. She
is watched by an ATF agent in a car. He follows them at a distance. A woman is
walking along the street towards them)
STAN: Hey - watch this
(to woman) Hello, my loyal subject. I'm Stanley H Tweedle, the new king of
Newfoundland, and I'm wondering if you could direct me to the king's
(The woman hits him with her handbag)
There's no stone left for you to crawl under, Brud!
STAN: That is no way to treat your new king!
men walk past, spitting at Stan as they go)
STAN: Dignity, dignity
(The White House.
President Priest is sitting on a couch, being kissed by his new First Lady -
sweet little Bunny, last seen in 3.5 Gondola)
BUNNY: You - are -
only - the- most - exciting man in the free world
PRINCE: Next to
(Priest and Bunny stop what they are doing, and look at
PRINCE: Mr President,
(Bunny sits on the couch and waves. She's wearing a brown
striped body stocking)
PRIEST: We were just - that is er, Bunny was
PRINCE: Tickling you. Yes, well I'm sure you'd prefer, Mr President, to be
tickled all day. However, there are more pressing affairs at hand
PRINCE: Yes. Such as making sure that the captain of the Lexx,
Stanley Tweedle, does not leave this planet, so that I will have some way off,
after I've finished making a complete mess of it. Do you recall your pathetic
and incompetent scheme to kill me, which made Tweedle the king of the island of
PRIEST: Yes, I think so
PRINCE: Well, apparently the king
has shown up to claim his throne, which gives us the perfect opportunity to
persuade him to stay. If Stanley Tweedle leaves the Earth forever on the
Lexx (he leans over Priest) I will be very unhappy, and I will make
sure that you are very unhappy as well (smiles) Mr
(He sits down, and picks up Bunny's
BUNNY: How can you treat the President like
PRIEST: And always
PRINCE: It's in my nature. I
am to dominate -
PRIEST: - all the time
PRINCE: In every way. My every
PRIEST: - is my instruction
PRINCE: So -
(Prince holds out his hand. Priest kisses
PRINCE: How do we persuade Stanley Tweedle to remain on this
(Priest gets up, and sits beside him)
clever way. A very clever way
PRINCE: And that would be - ?
Something - oo - that you would think of
zips Bunny's bag shut, and goes to sit beside her)
PRINCE: Do you love the President?
(Bunny smiles happily at Priest)
PRINCE: Then you will go to Newfoundland, and persuade Stanley
Tweedle to remain on this planet
BUNNY: But I don't wanna go to Newfoundland!
I wanna stay here with the President!
(She sits on Priest's lap and
starts kissing him again)
PRIEST: I'll go with her
PRINCE: No you
BUNNY: I'll dream of you every moment I'm gone. And I'll come quickly
(Priest looks worried)
BUNNY: - back
PRIEST: You are
a good Bunny
BUNNY: Before I go, can we please have one last super special
(They are about to kiss - but Prince
PRINCE: Sorry - Chopper One is standing by. And remember
Bunny - your loyalty to the presidency is more important than your loyalty to
the President. Do you understand?
(Prince hands Bunny her hat and
coat. She looks confused)
BUNNY: I think so
PRINCE: Good! Come
(He smiles, and drags her away)
BUNNY: Bye bye Mr
(Priest waves goodbye. A helicopter leaves
(Newfoundland. A pub called the Priest Hole. Brud Parsnip is
playing on a keyboard and singing, to the tune of Greensleeves. He looks exactly
like Stan - only craftier, and sexier)
BRUD: Happy hour, oh happy
How happy are you at happy hour -
(He watches as a man in a
black hat enters the pub)
BRUD: Are you happy at happy hour
wish every hour was happy hour
Hey folks, thank ya thank ya. OK now - this
next one's going out to all the guys out there who've got sisters that can't do
any better in the sack than just lie there like a cold fish -
is clearly aimed at the man in the black hat)
BLACK: You gets offa
that stage, Brud Parsnip
BRUD: - and all the ugly stoopid cows in the world
with brudders who are even uglier and stoopider than they are!
a dead man, Brud!
(Brud runs behind the bar)
back, you coward - jeesily devil dog!
(Brud is in the kitchen, and
stops as he sees another man)
BRUD: George b'y!
me sister's car, Brud?
BRUD: I haven't got it
GEORGE: What about the five
BRUD: Look, I lost the car on a pair of jacks, and I spent
the five hundred bucks on a hotel room to wash her frigging stink off
(The other man comes into the kitchen. Brud runs, knocking some
boxes over them - they get up, holding each other, about to punch. This bit has
BLACK: You ain't Brud, you fricker (Subtitle: You're not
GEORGE: Musta snuck out arse foremost (Subtitle: He must have backed
(They go out the door, and Brud emerges from his hiding place -
a vat of fish batter. He ducks under again while they come back for another
look. When they leave, he climbs out and goes into the bar - where some angry
women are waiting for him, armed with crowbars)
WOMAN1: Where's Brud
WOMAN2: Hear he's playing here today
WOMAN3: We'd like to make
WOMAN: Yeah, it's called "I'm gonna lay the boots to Brud, for
sticking me with a $400 long distance bill!"
BARMAN: Try the
(Brud gets down on his hands and knees and crawls behind the
bar, hides inside a dishwasher. The woman search the kitchen, including the vat
WOMAN1: Aw, let's check the back
shuts the door of the dishwasher, switches it on)
lands on Newfoundland)
(Stan, Xev and Kai walk by the Priest
XEV: I'm still freezing
STAN: Come on, let's get warmed up.
(They go inside the pub. A priest is snoring in a corner. The
bar man switches off the dishwasher)
STAN: Greetings, loyal
subjects. I hereby declare today - King Stanley Day!
get much response from the people in the pub)
XEV: They don't seem
to be celebrating, Stan
STAN: Well, maybe they just haven't heard the good
(He walks up to the bar, and tries again)
my good man - I am Stanley H Tweedle, your new king!
BARMAN: Ow's she getting
(The real Brud, clothes clean of the batter, peers out of
STAN: Why is everyone saying brud to me? It must be
some kind of local greeting
XEV: Stanley, how long are we going to stay
STAN: Well, at this rate, not a whole lot longer. You know, President
Priest told me that Newfoundland was a garden of wine, women and song, and so
far all I've seen is cold and snow, and, and - yuck!
Stan's reflection in the mirror behind the bar, and is surprised by the
XEV: So, let's go back to the moth and take off for the
Lexx. Maybe the time has come to finally give up on this planet and start trying
to find a nice one
STAN: Yeah, you know, that's funny
Well, because usually it's cowardly captain Stanley H Tweedle who wants to go
back to the Lexx, and Xev, the brave Cluster lizard love slave with a sense of
adventure, who wants to stay
(Brud is taking all this
STAN: Whatever happened to your "Carnivores like to explore"
XEV: Cluster lizards are from a hot planet. I just don't like it
STAN: Then why are we still here? Why are we on this planet at
KAI: You are still here because I have asked you to go to the place
STAN: Yeah, exactly. So explain to me Kai why you, being
dead and having no wants, would want to go there?
KAI: I do not want to go
there, but I have an interest in certain legends related to the place
(They turn and see Bunny, who has just entered the
BUNNY: Yeah! Hi Xev, hi Kai
STAN: This is
one weird planet (smiles)
XEV: Are you the same Bunny we met before,
that - died?
KAI: She is either the same Bunny we met before, reborn - or an
XEV: How do you know our names?
BUNNY: I just do (laughs)
You are Kai - you are dead. You're Xev, Stan. Hi!
XEV: Hi. What do you
BUNNY: Well, I want you to stay here, on this planet. Will you
KAI: Why do you want us to stay?
BUNNY: Um - (thinks) Can I
talk to you, Stanley - alone?
STAN: Oh, er, um -
XEV: We'll be over there
- brud! Come on Kai
(Xev waves, and leads Kai
BUNNY: This is a really nice place Stanley. Why would you want
STAN: What makes you think we wanna leave?
BUNNY: So you'll
STAN: You mean, here in Newfoundland, or on this planet?
(Behind the bar, Brud Parsnip is still
STAN: I dunno Bunny, I mean my kingdom here is not
exactly on the warm side, and then we've got to go to a place called
Transylvania, and then we'll probably just head back to the Lexx and fly away
from this planet forever
BUNNY: Oh, please don't fly away
STAN: Well, what
does it matter to you?
BUNNY: I want you to stay!
STAN: No, I'm sorry
Bunny. But hey - you could leave with us when we go
BUNNY: I don't know,
Stanley. I think I have to stay here
STAN: Oh well, suit yourself but you
know, we're out of here for certain. It's not a question of if, it's only a
question of when
BUNNY: Before you go, I could give you a little going away
STAN: What kind of going away present?
BUNNY: Come by room number
6, at 7.30
STAN: (smiles) OK
(Xev and Kai are watching a man playing the spoons. Stan joins
XEV: Where's Bunny?
STAN: Oh, she just went upstairs, I'm
gonna meet her up there in a while
(Brud sneaks out from behind the
XEV: What for?
STAN: She has a - present for me
(Brud Parsnip is making a phone call)
hello (false voice) Yeah, hello - look, if you wanna find Brud Parsnip,
you'll find him tonight at the Priest Hole in room 6, 7.30. Bye
(The Priest Hole, room 6. Bunny is on the
BUNNY: Yeah, I tried to get him to stay, but he said they
were leaving this planet anyway and that was that, so - can I come home
PRINCE: No. What else did you say?
BUNNY: I told him I'd meet him
later, to give him a going away present, but - (upset) I don't have a
going away present!
(In the White House, Priest is on the speaker
phone - Prince is sitting nearby, playing with his tie)
Bunny - you have done very, very, very well for your country and your president.
We will arrange a going away present
PRINCE: We most certainly will
(Priest looks at Prince, and shakes his head.
Prince holds up a finger - and Priest nods)
PRIEST: Bunny, wunny -
if you love your country, if you cherish all that we hold dear, and if you truly
truly love the Presidency -
BUNNY: I do! I do love the
PRINCE: He means that you are to seduce Stanley Tweedle, if you
can't convince him in any other way
(Bunny sits down on her bed,
BUNNY: Seduce him? You mean you want me to -
Give him the ride of his life
BUNNY: I don't know if I can. I mean, I love
the President so much, I can't bear to think of another man -
Bunny, it's all right. You can do it for me
PRIEST: For the Presidency
(Priest looks at
Prince, who smiles, and lets his tie fall)
(Stan is standing outside the
front of the Priest Hole, bored)
STAN: Oh, there's gotta be at least
one green garden around here somewhere
(At the bar, a drunken man is
kissing a fish - and Xev is having her first taste of screech. She
hisses/screams, then laughs)
DRUNK: Now that is some screech, b'y,
dat is (passes out)
(The priest invites Kai over to a
PICKLE: Oh, fancy a tickle of the ivories, my son?
name is Kai
PICKLE: Oh, and I'm Father Pickle. This premises is my little
hole in the wall (laughs) I opened it to raise money for the orphans -
better than the bingo, don't you think? You must be from - away, then?
am from the Light Universe. I was an assassin for 2000 years, in the service of
His Divine Shadow. I am dead
PICKLE: (laughs) Wonderful - well, each
of us has his own story to tell - even if they don't come to much in the end,
eh? Would you like to give it a go?
KAI: It is a musical
PICKLE: Oh, there's no fooling you, me boy
KAI: The dead are
PICKLE: Ah, give it a go. She won't bite ya
sits on the piano stool, looks at the keys, touches them
PICKLE: Listen up boys, listen up. Tonight, we have
something very special for you. This very good looking young man, Kai, is from a
dead universe - must be the mainland, huh?
(The customers in the bar
laugh at this)
PICKLE: But tonight he has promised us a tickle of
(Everyone claps. Xev shakes the drunk
XEV: Hey, this should be good
(Kai hits the keys
at random, just making noise. He looks at the audience - then plays three
XEV: Yo Way Yo
(The Priest Hole, room 6.
Someone knocks on the door. Bunny opens it)
BUNNY: You're early -
(But of course, it isn't Stanley - it's Brud Parsnip. He
walks into her room)
BRUD: Well Bunny, I just couldn't wait any
longer to see you
BUNNY: You seem - different
BRUD: Different? Er, what,
me, Stanley H Tweedle, captain of the Lexx, different?
(He checks his
hair in the dressing table mirror, leans back and smiles)
I'm a hundred percent me. Always have been! (laughs) Anyway, I just
came by to say - goodbye (waves)
BUNNY: Goodbye? (sits on
BRUD: Yeah, yeah, I've decided to leave this planet, right now. I'm
gonna take Xev and - Kai with me
BUNNY: You can't leave!
walks to the door)
BRUD: Well - I'm sorry Bunny, you know, I'd like
to stay, really I would, but you know how it is - captain of the Lexx, there's a
lot of important - space missions that I've gotta do. I just thought I'd come by
and say - so long
(He waves. Bunny starts to cry, so he pats her
under her chin)
BRUD: Oh, tut tut tut, no tears, Bunny, no tears. I
know how it must hurt, me leaving, but - (shrugs) what can I
BUNNY: I can't help it. This is just terrible, terrible!
flops her head down onto the bed)
BRUD: There, there,
(He sits beside her, runs his hand down her back, onto her
BRUD: Now, you tell Bru - brave Captain Stanley all about
BUNNY: Well - I promised I would get you to stay!
BUNNY: My husband
BRUD: Your husband? Ah. Where's he?
Washington DC. He's the President of the United States
BUNNY: Oh, well - he asked me to come to
Newfoundland and convince you to stay on Earth and so I said yes because,
because I love him more than life itself and (cries) and I don't want
anything bad to happen to him! And now you're saying you're leaving and I don't
know what I'm gonna do!
(Brud gets up off the bed, and Bunny grabs
BUNNY: Please don't go, Stanley
BRUD: Oh, I - Bunny, I
feel your pain but - outer space awaits Stanley H Tweedle
(He tries to walk away, but Bunny won't let go, and is dragged
onto the floor)
BRUD: Look, Bunny, you're young, you'll get over it.
You'll have to let go of my leg now, Bunny
BUNNY: I'll do anything you
BUNNY: Anything, you name it!
(Brud bites his
BRUD: No! I couldn't ask you to do that, it wouldn't be
BUNNY: Yes, you can ask me, you can ask me, I'll do anything. Whatever
it is, I'll say yes
BRUD: Would you cradle my rock?
BUNNY: Cradle your
(She's not sure about this)
BRUD: Mm hmm
I don't know what you mean
BRUD: That's OK Bunny - I do (smiles)
Trust me - all will be revealed
(Brud undoes his trousers. Bunny
(Downstairs in the bar, everyone is listening to Kai playing and
KAI: Yo A O. Yo A O, Hom Var Ray, Yo A Ra, Jerhume Brunnen
Yo A O, Hom Var Ray, Yo A Ra, Jerhume Brunnen G
Yo A Ra, Jerhume Brunnen
(Everyone claps and cheers. Father Pickle walks up to Kai, hands
him a drink)
PICKLE: You do have some talent my son, but your style
is a little bit - stiff. Try this - might help to loosen it up
KAI: I do not
have a liver
PICKLE: Oh. Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Fortunately I
still have a fraction of mine left
(Upstairs, Brud pulls his pants
back on and gets out of bed)
BRUD: Oh, that hit the
(He starts putting his trousers on. Bunny is fully clothed, but
her make-up and hair are messed from cradling his rock)
you're staying now?
BRUD: Fraid not, I'm leaving you and this
BUNNY: But you said -
BRUD: Yeah, well, I lied! You know what they
call that around here?
BRUD: Tough nookies! (laughs)
Anyway, gotta run. You were great. I've had better, but not today
you promised you'd stay!
BRUD: Well I did stay, now I've gotta go
You are a bad, bad man!
(She cries, and runs into the
BRUD: Yeah, well, I can't disagree with you
(He laughs, looks in Bunny's purse, takes her
BRUD: Er - give my regards to Mr President!
laughs, and leaves)
(Downstairs, Xev is still drinking. Kai watches a
Celtic band start tuning up. Stan is waiting impatiently at the bar, next to
STAN: What time is it now?
PICKLE: You just asked,
STAN: And what time is it now?
PICKLE: I just told you,
(Stan looks at the stairs up to Bunny's room)
STAN: Close enough
(Stan heads for the
stairs, but Father Pickle grabs his arm)
PICKLE: You're a bad
STAN: I've gotta go!
PICKLE: You don't know the half of it. I've had
to face temptation me whole life
STAN: Yeah, well I'm just learning about it,
PICKLE: Even though I took a vow of celibacy, I swore to forgo the evil
pleasures of the flesh, to deny myself the simple physical pleasure of romping
naked on a bed, with a beautiful, lithe, lissom, firm, gorgeous -
Listen listen listen listen listen - I don't know what you're talking about pal,
but I've got to romp naked with a very tempting young lady, and you're making me
(Stan pulls away, runs upstairs)
PICKLE: Fight the
urge, bad man, fight the urge! Romping naked - ooh, very dangerous words(he
makes a cross with his fingers) Away wit ya! Away wit ya!
6. Stan is about to knock, when Bunny opens the door)
STAN: Hi Bunny
(She slaps his face)
BUNNY: Bad man! Bad
(She runs off)
STAN: But Bunny,
(Four men are in the corridor behind Stan - two of them were
chasing Brud earlier)
NEWFIE: Ow's she gettin on, b'y?
those words you're speaking, or is your mouth broken?
NEWFIE: Watch your
mouth, Brud Parsnip. We'll have no more of your lip
STAN: Do you know what
the funny thing about all of this is?
STAN: I'm not Brud
Parsnip. I am Stanley H Tweedle, and I'm the new king of Newfoundland
Oh. Well, come here then, Stanley Tweedle the new king of Newfoundland. Come
here, I won't bite
STAN: Well, OK
(Stan steps forward - and the
man punches him to the ground)
NEWFIE: Bout time the king was
crowned, wha? (laughs)
(Kai is now playing with the band. Brud walks
into the bar. He sees Xev, and grins. He takes his jacket off a peg, puts on his
hat, and walks over to her. She's drunkenly talking to the
XEV: You wanna nother screech? I think you need nother
(She takes another swig from the bottle)
(She gets up from her bar stool, sways, looks at
BRUD: What do you think?
XEV: Where's your hat?
(laughs) Threw it away. New planet, new hat!
XEV: Spose so!
Ah - Xev, I need to talk to you
(He pulls her closer to
XEV: About what?
BRUD: Not here
XEV: What is it
BRUD: It's something personal
BRUD: It's important,
it's extremely important. Can we go to the moth?
(Brud looks into her eyes)
BRUD: I've never been
more serious in my life
XEV: OK Stan, but it better be
(She heads off - Brud waves the smell of booze away,
collects his keyboard and follows her)
XEV: I'll be right
(Kai is playing, and doesn't see them go. Father Pickle
PICKLE: Bad man!
(Brud grins, and
PICKLE: Better not to think about it
Brud are now in the moth)
XEV: What is it you wanted to talk to me
BRUD: You're a good listener Xev, you know, that's one of the things I
always really liked about you. That, and the fact that you're a love slave
Cluster lizard, with a sense of adventure
XEV: (smiles) I'm
BRUD: Yeah, well you know, there are certain things I've been
wanting to get off my chest for a while. I wanted to be able to really open up,
you know - it's just, just - it's hard, sometimes
XEV: Well, whatever it is,
you can tell me
BRUD: Ah - not here
BRUD: No, no, I can't talk about it here, it's gotta be on the
XEV: I don't understand what this is all about
BRUD: You will, I
promise. I'll tell you everything, as soon as we get on the Lexx
BRUD: Mm hmm
XEV: But what about Kai?
BRUD: Oh, we'll
come right back. You know, it's just that what I've got to say is so, so very
very difficult, you know, I can only explain it on the Lexx
XEV: Well, if
it's really that, very, very, important -
BRUD: Oh it is, it is
right, let's go
(She closes her eyes. Brud looks at the controls,
realises he has no idea how to fly it, and pretends to be overcome by
BRUD: Oh look, do you - (hands over his face) do
you mind flying? I don't feel like I'm up to it just now
another swig from the bottle. Peering through his fingers, Brud rolls his eyes
in disbelief. The moth takes off - Xev flying very badly, Brud scared they're
going to crash)
(Stan is now tied to a chair in a basement, surrounded by
angry men and women, one of whom pulls a piece of tape off his
STAN: Look, whatever it is you think you're doing here, I can
tell you you're making a big mistake. I am the king of Newfoundland, and I
refuse to be disrespected like this. Now release me at once!
STAN: Or I'll tell the President of the United States
all laugh at this)
WOMAN2: Sure you will
NEWFIE: I've got a
better idea, Parsnip
STAN: I'm not Parsnip, I'm Tweedle! I'm captain of the
Lexx, I'm king of Newfoundland - you got the wrong man!
NEWFIE: See, only the
real Brud Parsnip could come up with a story like that, wha? Now here's my idea
- for every lie, you get one good pounding - like that
Stan in the stomach)
STAN: (gasps) OK, OK, I won't
NEWFIE: And you see all these people here? These are some of the people
who you've lied to, or else gotten money off of and never returned, or screwed
over some other way. Now mind you, this isn't all of them. This is a tiny
minuscule fraction of them. Today, we're gonna get settled up once and for all.
You get one big jeesily pounding for every lie you've told, every promise you
broke, every bad debt that you rung up over the years, you follow?
many poundings are we talking about here?
NEWFIE: Well, into the hundreds, I
would imagine. If not the tousands, or even the tens of tousands
I'm not Brud Parsnip!
NEWFIE: Well, dat's
ten tousand and one, isn't it, wha? Ten tousand and - all right, who's
(On the Lexx, Brud and Xev get out of the moth. Xev takes her
bottle with her, still drinking. Brud is in awe of the Lexx)
Stan, what is it?
XEV: Why did we have to come up here? What
do you have to say?
BRUD: Man, oh man -
(They walk on the bridge,
which sounds a bit eerier than usual. Xev sits on the edge of the
XEV: We're here. What is it?
XEV: Sit! Talk
(He sits down beside her, takes his hat
XEV: What is it?
BRUD: Why do I have to feel so
XEV: (smiles) I've never seen you like this before!
Can I trust you, Xev? I mean, can I really, really trust you?
XEV: You can
trust me Stan
BRUD: Oh, but this is, this is so hard for me to say,
XEV: I'm here for you. Say it
BRUD: OK. OK (stands up) It's a
(He goes back to the moth, takes out his keyboard and returns to
XEV: So, what is that thing?
BRUD: I mean, it's a - my music thingy, that I found. It's a song that I
want you to hear, that I wrote, just for you
(He clicks his fingers,
points at Xev)
(In the Priest Hole Kai and the band are singing yet
another version of his song, which goes something like this)
A O, Hom Var Ray, Yo A Ra, Jerhume Brunnen G
Way Ro Way, Ro Hanna Ro, A Way
Ro Ra, Jay Hanna Ray
Yo A O, Hom Var Ray, Yo A Ra, Jerhume Brunnen G
O, Hom Var Ray, Yo A Ra, Jerhume Brunnen G
Yo A O, Hom Var Ray, Yo A Ra,
Jerhume Brunnen G
Yo A Ra, Jerhume Brunnen G
(The crowd applauds.
Father Pickle goes over to Kai)
PICKLE: Of course, I can speak the
Gaelic, and a fair bit of Latin, and very little Greek - but that language - I
don't recognise it at all
KAI: It is the language of my people - the Brunnen
PICKLE: And - what was that song about?
KAI: The Brunnen G were a once
proud and noble race of romantic warriors who, over time, became isolated and
inward looking. This song - (he plays the three notes) - is an ancient
song in a long lost language handed down by my ancestors. It was sung, by the
Brunnen G warriors, as we sang it, when we went into battle expecting to
PICKLE: And - what happened?
KAI: We died
the Lexx, Xev struggles to keep a straight face as Brud starts playing his
keyboard and singing - yup, it's Greensleeves again)
BRUD: Oh Xev,
oh Xev, what is it Xev
Who are you Xev, oh Xev Xev Xev
Why do I-I-I feel
Oh Xev, what can I say-ay-ay
Happy hour, oh happy hour
make me happy at happy hour
Happy hour, oh happy hour
Oh Xev, oh Xev, oh
(Xev giggles, tries to disguise it as a
BRUD: So, what do you think?
XEV: Yeah (throws bottle
away) All right Stan - out with it
BRUD: Out with it? Are you
XEV: I'm sure
(She looks at him)
BRUD: I need a hug
(The real Stan is probably thinking the
same thing, as people take turns punching him)
BLACK: I've been
waiting a long time for this, you lying thieving blood of a bitch!
WOMAN1: And then when I asked you if you were at Doris's house, you said
WOMAN2: You said you needed my PIN number, 'cause
it was right romantic to share PIN numbers
hugging Brud, who is clearly enjoying it)
BRUD: Oh, this feels so
XEV: Let it out, Stanley
BRUD: Oh, but I've kept it in so
XEV: Well, now it's time to let it out!
BRUD: But it's a part of me
that I've kept hidden from you
(790 wheels onto the
BRUD: Do you really want to see it?
XEV: Let it out,
(Brud takes her hand)
BRUD: Xev - I want you, to be
the hand, that's gonna rock my cradle
(His hands slide around her
waist. Even drunk as she is, Xev realises something is not right
BRUD: Oh come on Xev, look I'll never ask
anything from you ever again, I promise
XEV: What do you mean? Stop
(She gets up and tries to walk away, but Brud stands in front
BRUD: Come on, you know what I mean. Enough is enough,
BRUD: Hey look, you're a love slave, right? I bet you've
cradled plenty of rocks, Xev
(He laughs, holding his crotch. Xev
turns away, and he grabs her shoulder)
BRUD: Hey -
flings his arm off - he's surprised by how strong she is)
XEV: Don't do that!
(Brud grabs her arm)
Come on Xev - don't be like that, 'cause there's just the two of us here
BRUD: Come on!
XEV: I said it's enough!
punches Brud. He wobbles at the edge of the bridge - and 790 rushes forward,
pushing him off)
(Brud screams all the way
XEV: 790, what have you done?!
790: Something I should have
done a long time ago, ha ha!
XEV: You killed him, you confused junk
790: One down, one to go
(Xev picks up 790)
Put me down!
XEV: Where's the key?
790: Who cares! Where's the
XEV: If Stan died, the key should have come out of his hand (looks
at 790) I ought to throw you over too
790: What's stopping you?
(She throws 790 down by the pedestal, and sniffs
XEV: Poor Stan
(Xev takes a moth down to
(Kai and the band finish yet another chorus)
Long live the Brunnen G!
(Kai finally gets up from the
PICKLE: I think I'll just pour meself another little drop, to
protect me from temptation. You sure you won't join me?
KAI: No, I must
rejoin my friends. Where is Stanley?
BARMAN: You mean Parsnip? He's getting
the jeesily crap beaten out of him downstairs
(Kai heads downstairs.
The band carry on without him)
BAND: OK, d'you fancy another
rendition of that tune there? 1,2,3,4 -
(In the basement, people are
GEORGE: My turn to give him the gears,
(He waves a hammer under Stan's chin)
she gettin on, b'y?
(He raises the hammer - but Kai's brace grabs
hold of it)
NEWFIE: Who the frig are you?
KAI: I am
NEWFIE: Yeah, well you gotta wait your turn Kai, we're just getting
KAI: He is not Brud Parsnip. His name is Stanley
(Stan looks up at Kai, his face bruised, nose
STAN: Oh, Kai
NEWFIE: Gee - sorry skipper -
(Kai unties Stan. Xev comes downstairs, surprised and
delighted to see Stan alive)
XEV: (smiles) Hello
(In the White house, Bunny is sitting on Priest's
BUNNY: - and then, I - cradled his rock!
PRIEST: Oh, there there
BUNNY: I did it, because I love
PRIEST: I know
BUNNY: It was horrible!
PRIEST: You are a wonderful
(He wipes her eyes with a tissue, then stands up. He gets out
the football and the atlas)
BUNNY: What are you doing?
People who don't treat the President's Bunny with the proper respect, deserve
what they're going to get
(He opens the atlas to Newfoundland, keys
co-ordinates into the football)
BUNNY: You're the bestest President
PRIEST: Bye bye Newfoundland (hits button) Pe-ew!
Pe-ew! I want to cradle your rock, right now
PRIEST: You do?
hmm. There's nothing that I'd like better
PRIEST: Well then - cradle away, by
(Bunny sinks down - but they're
PRINCE: Up to no good again, are we?
Of course, of course
(He goes to Prince, kisses his hand. Prince
smiles at Bunny, who is not happy with this)
PRIEST: Just the way
you like it
PRINCE: Yes. Are we all ready to go then?
PRINCE: Oh surely, Mr President, you haven't forgotten about the
PRIEST: Oo, I had, actually
PRINCE: Air Force One is
fuelled and ready to go
PRIEST: So am I
(He tries to go back to
Bunny, but Prince stops him)
PRINCE: There'll be plenty of time for
that, after Antarctica
PRIEST: Where's Tarctica?
(Bunny waves goodbye, a look of resignation on her
(The moth flies away from Newfoundland)
XEV: I don't
get it. Brud Parsnip looked exactly like you, Stanley
STAN: Yeah, well he
didn't act like me. Totally different person
XEV: I'm glad about that
On each planet, there seem to be a limited number of models of humans. You
happened to find yours on this planet, Stanley
STAN: Well, good
(Suddenly, there is a huge explosion behind
STAN: What was that?
KAI: That was the thermonuclear
destruction of the island of Newfoundland
XEV: Good thing we're
on our way to Transylvania
(They fly on. Ahead of them, lightning
© Filking Fairy
© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana