Lexx 4.07 Walpurgis Night
(written by Tom de Ville and Paul Donovan)
(Night. The moth is flying over forest in Transylvania - so
it's full moon, of course. Inside are Stan, Kai, and Xev in her blue poodle
STAN: Oh, I've seen enough. Let's go back to the
XEV: Stan, this is important to Kai
STAN: Well Xev, it may be
important to the dead, but it is not at all important to the living (to
Kai) How come you're so motivated to do this?
KAI: As you know, I have
the many thousands of memories of those killed by His Divine Shadow. Dark
knowledge from one of those memories leads me here
STAN: OK, that's it Xev.
Turn this bug around right now!
XEV: I just want Kai to have his fun
I'm sorry Xev, the dead do not have fun
XEV: Where are we now?
XEV: There - a clearing
(Xev steers the moth down to
land. She and Kai get out - Kai carrying a weird bug flashlight, and his
printouts about Transylvania)
STAN: I'll just stay right
(Xev and Kai walk on. In the distance, wolves howl. Stan looks
out at the dark misty forest - then gets out of the moth, and catches up with
STAN: Don't say a word
XEV: I won't - except that
you're entering stage two
STAN: Stage two?
XEV: The three stages of
Stanley H Tweedle (counts on her fingers) When you're not scared,
you're hungry. When you're not hungry, you can only think about sex. When you're
not thinking about sex, you're scared
STAN: Very funny
down from the moonlit sky, chittering)
STAN: What's making those
KAI: They are bats
STAN: What are bats?
KAI: Flying mammals
common to Earth, several species of which are known to suck the blood of large
STAN: Oh, right
(The bats attack Stan and Xev, who run
down a path. Ahead are the lights of a village, and beyond that, the silhouette
of a castle. Kai stops, so Stan and Xev go back to him)
XEV: What is it?
(Kai looks at one of his printouts, which
has a picture of that castle)
KAI: It is what I have come
(He leads the way into the village - the streets are deserted,
except for the bats. They walk inside the Cioara (Crow?) tavern - straight out
of a Hammer Horror movie. The locals all go quiet. There are three Goth girls in
STAN: Hmm - homey
(Father Borscht, an old
priest gets up, and holds up crucifix on a chain)
BORSCHT: Those of
the devil, leave here - this is still a place of God. This is still a place of
(Kai takes the crucifix, hands it to Stan)
Thank you for your gift
BORSCHT: Leave here, leave here
STAN: Yeah, I'd be
happy to leave - soon as the bats clear up
(Kai walks up to the bar,
and shows his castle picture to the barman - Van Helsing)
have come to find whoever lives in this castle
VANH: You heard Father
Borscht. You're not welcome here
(Xev walks over to the bar, and
turns on the charm)
XEV: Well, then we will leave. But before we do
so, I was hoping to take a nice hot bath, and wash all this nasty dirt from my
aching naked body
(Van Helsing gets hot under the
VANH: Father Borscht - perhaps we could let them stay for a
while. The bats will settle in a minute or two
(Van Helsing gets a
candlestick, and leads Xev away. The three Goth girls follow)
it's still thunder and lightning and bats outside. Xev is in a tub. In the
tavern, Kai is using his brace to whittle something, and Stan is at the
STAN: Ah, let me see - I want a slab of your finest rarest meat
- and don't bother giving me any of that green stuff with it
Helsing pours him a drink)
STAN: I asked for food, not
VANH: This tavern doesn't have food. Drink it
(Stan drinks -
then gasps, slaps his hands on the bar)
STAN: That's not
VANH: Your friend - he lacks colour
STAN: He lacks colour, because
(Father Borscht sits down at the table, opposite
BORSCHT: I asked you to leave. We don't want your kind
KAI: You seem to believe I am something that I am not
believe in many things, and I know who you are
KAI: Have you encountered
something like me before?
BORSCHT: This land is full of darkness and death.
When I was a young man, I met the master of them all. Its skin was (he
touches Kai's hand) cold and white - like yours
KAI: Where can I find
BORSCHT: The master is never found. The master finds
(In the bath tub, Xev hums happily as she washes her legs,
shoulders, and leans her head back. The Goths enter the room behind her. One
dangles a rat down in front of Xev's face - of course, Xev eats it, leaving just
the tail hanging out)
MUFFY: You absolute bitch, you ate my
XEV: I'm sorry
(She takes the tail out of her mouth, gives it
back, and shakes hands)
XEV: Xev. Xev Bellringer
Silver (the dumb blonde)
MANDRA: Mandragora Morgana (short black
MUFFY: And I'm Muffy (short blonde hair)
are you from?
DAVINIA: Where's that?
XEV: In the Light
Universe. I grew up in a box there
DAVINIA: Oh, we grew up in Squatney, we
XEV: Is that around here?
MANDRA: No. We're on a package
holiday. Transylvania is so much more us
(Muffy crouches down by
MUFFY: The man in black with you is also much more - us.
Wouldn't you say?
XEV: If you like the dead
(The others crouch
GOTHS: We do!
(In the tavern,
Father Borscht is still talking)
BORSCHT: The master never ventures
forth from the castle, preferring to sit on a throne of coffins, like a spider
in the centre of its web. But beware, for sometimes the spider has to hunt
further - but once caught, they become slaves. I thought perhaps that you were
such a slave
KAI: I am not
BORSCHT: No, you're not - but my son - kill the
KAI: If I can, I will
(Father Borscht hands Kai an old
piece of parchment. It is a drawing of a coffin, with the Cluster symbol above
it, and three women. The Goths come back into the bar, followed by Xev, who is
now wearing a peasant girl's blouse and skirt. She joins Stan, who is still
drinking at the bar)
STAN: Hey, Xevvy baby! Woo, new look
It's called a dirndl
STAN: Makes me think of mountains
XEV: What are you
STAN: Water. Special, special mountain water. Hey Kai, you
need a new look - maybe you should wear one of those dribbles
(Kai walks out of the tavern - Xev chases after
XEV: Kai -
STAN: Hey Xev, wait up!
(He downs his
drink, then turns to the barman)
STAN: Just give me another glass of
that water, just one more
(Xev catches up with Kai
XEV: Kai, wait!
KAI: Xev, the bats have gone. Stay at
the inn. I have something I must do, alone
XEV: I know you have something to
do - and I'm here to help you (smiles)
KAI: You cannot help
XEV: You think you always have to protect Stan and me, and most of the
time it's probably true, but sometimes we can help you
(He walks on,
so she follows)
(In the tavern, Stan finishes
just one more drink)
STAN: I'm really really hungry. You gotta have
something here I can eat, just some little thing
VANH: On Walpurgis Night a
great feast is prepared at the castle
STAN: Oh, when is this Walpurgis
STAN: Well, that's where I'm going
VANH: Tell me,
Captain Tweedle was it? - have you ever heard of vampires?
VANH: The peasants believe all vampires are immortal. The damned, the
curse of this land. It's hardly something an educated man believes in these days
but still, it's a brave man who takes up an invitation to dine at Lord Dracul's
table on Walpurgis Night
STAN: Well, Stanley H Tweedle is a brave man - well,
you know, more or less, depending on the circumstances
VANH: They say the
crucifix you wear around your neck is one of the few things that can deter a
vampire from its hunger. A vampire will make no reflection in a
(Van Helsing starts putting vampire repellents on the
VANH: Garlic - holy water - the relics of the blessed - are
supposed to protect you as well
STAN: I don't need any of that
(He pushes it away)
VANH: The villagers will tell
you that Lord Dracul, Count Vorga, is vampire incarnate, they will tell you this
nonsense because they believe it themselves, but really - Dracul is nothing more
than I am - a ruined old drunk
BORSCHT: I too am a ruined old drink, and it's
STAN: OK - who do I believe?
(He points from one to
the other. Father Borscht leaves the tavern)
VANH: Believe me,
because my family have hunted vampires for generations. Believe me, because I
came to Vorga seeking to claim my birthright as destroyer of the Dracul, and
found nothing but smoke and mirrors, and peasants living in the shadow of
ancient superstitions. Believe me, because my name is Joseph Van
STAN: Say, could I get some of that garlic and stuff from you, you
know, just to be on the safe side?
(Xev and Kai are still in the
KAI: In death I have been a great darkness, but I know
there are shadows that run darker still
XEV: Kai -
(They hear a
scream, and run back to the tavern - everyone is outside, looking at a pool of
blood. Kai picks up a crucifix)
KAI: Father Borscht
like we're in for some action, girls
VANH: You can believe what you want to
believe - it's smoke and mirrors I tell you - all smoke and
(And then a big old car pulls up. Out gets a man with wild
hair, glasses - and a dress. It's Renfield)
RENF: Will you be dining
with us tonight, Van Helsing?
VANH: No thank you, Renfield
Helsing goes back into the tavern)
RENF: Anyway, the feast is ready.
Count Dracul will receive all who wish to dine with him
MUFFY: Count us in
then, monkey boy. We didn't come here for the sunshine
(The Goths get
into the car)
KAI: I also would like to meet this Dracul
- I'm gonna stick with Kai and Xev
(Renfield laughs. They all get in,
and drive away. Xev is in the front with Renfield, who has a strip of flypaper
hanging inside the windscreen)
RENF: Look - no hands!
lets go of the steering wheel, buzzes, and takes a fly off the paper, eats it.
Xev watches him)
RENF: Does my diet disgust you?
(In the back, the Goths are all over Kai)
your friend Xev was right - you absolutely reek of death
KAI: I have killed
DAVINIA: Would you kill me?
MANDRA: I'm sure he'd much rather
(Stan is sitting alone on the seat
STAN: So - girls, there's lots of room over
MANDRA: And how many people have you killed?
STAN: Oh, I lost count
after I blew up my first planet
MUFFY: I bet when you kill you like to get up
close and personal, don't you Kai?
KAI: As an assassin in the Divine Order, I
obeyed the instructions of His Divine Shadow precisely. Sometimes I killed very
slowly to draw out the suffering
(The Goths like the sound of
DAVINIA: Do you have a special way, Mr Tweedle?
(tries to sound sexy) Oh, I have a special way to do -
(Kai leans forward, and hands Stan the piece of wood he
KAI: I have carved something for you,
STAN: What's this
KAI: An ocarina. When blown correctly it should
imitate the mating call of our moths
STAN: Mating call, uh? Well, you know,
thanks Kai but - I don't find our moths attractive in any way
KAI: Some day
you may. If I have a problem, return with Xev in the moth to the Lexx, then
destroy this planet immediately
STAN: Yeah, I've been in favour of doing that
for some time, Kai old pal
(The car approaches the castle. Kai opens
the car door, fires his brace, and disappears off up into the
STAN: He does that a lot. OK, so - now - (pats seat)
- who wants to come over here and sit next to Stan the man?
Goths would rather stroke and kiss each other)
STAN: Oh, come on
girls! I'm gonna be dead someday too
DAVINIA: Soon, hopefully
car stops, and they get out)
RENF: This way
(Kai is up on
a balcony. Stan shuts the car door behind the girls, and follows them into a
XEV: Where's Kai?
STAN: I don't know. He fired his
brace and disappeared
STAN: I don't know. Somewhere. I don't
DAVINIA: When I get home I'm definitely doing my bedroom like
MUFFY: Make a change from all those Britney posters
RENF: Shh -
(At the top of a staircase, Dracul makes his entrance -
evening dress, accent and all)
DRACUL: My friends, my children!
Welcome to my home! Welcome to Castle Dracul!
STAN: Er - the guy down at the
inn said something about food
DRACUL: Of course! The feast
STAN: (laughs) Oh, now we're talking!
her hand on his shoulder)
XEV: Be careful Stanley. If he worries Kai
then I think he should worry us too
STAN: Don't worry - I've got
(He is wearing crucifixes, garlic etc. inside his uniform.
The Goths follow Dracul inside)
(Kai has found a lantern, and is walking
down a narrow stone passage, using his brace to cut away
(Everyone is sitting at a long table, covered with food. Dracul
is sharpening a knife)
DRACUL: I must congratulate Renfield. He's
chosen the most attractive guests for me on this Walpurgis Night
chose to come here by ourselves, Dracul
DRACUL: In that
case, I shall ensure the pleasure is all yours
STAN: This pie - this is
delicious. What's in this?
DRACUL: Dead things
XEV: What dead
DRACUL: Just dead things
(Stan puts his
fork down, spits the pie out onto his napkin. Outside, lightning flashes, wolves
MANDRA: The tour book says you've been throwing a feast like
this on Walpurgis Night for years
DRACUL: Centuries. My family have always
liked to invite the local people -
DAVINIA: Over for a
(Muffy sighs - Davinia has wine smeared on her
MUFFY: God, Vinny, take a look in the
(She throws her a compact mirror. Stan looks in it,
remembering Van Helsing's words)
VANH: A vampire will make no
reflection in a mirror
(And of course, Dracul has no reflection. Stan
DAVINIA: Is there a problem, Mr Tweedle?
STAN: Ah - I was
just wondering - can I have some more dead thing pie?
(Xev holds up a string of sausages, sniffs them. Dracul
looks at her)
DRACUL: Your skin is so youthful, so alive
She's 4000 years old
(Xev gives him a look)
like me, you are well preserved (strokes her hair) Oh, you should wear
your hair up. It accentuates your neck
(He pricks the back of her
neck with his fingernail - just a drop of blood)
DRACUL: Tell me -
there was another with you, a man in black. Where is he now?
STAN: He - he
went outside, to pick flowers
DRACUL: The only flowers in my forests, are
poisonous. Tell me
(He looks into Xev's eyes, puts his lips to her
throat - then she pulls away)
XEV: He went looking for bats
(He gets up, undoes his uniform, and waves some garlic. Dracul
hisses, and backs away)
STAN: See? I knew it, I knew it, he's a
vampire! have a taste of this, Draccy!
(Then Renfield arrives, and
pushes Stan back down onto his chair)
RENF: Mr Tweedle - sit
DRACUL: It's all right Renfield. My guests must forgive me - I've not
had company in quite some time, and my manners have all but died
Master, I am really sorry, but I come with terrible news. The wolves are abroad.
No journeyman will reach the village alive
DRACUL: Oh, what a pity. It seems
you will all stay here tonight
DRACUL: Wolves are very ferocious
STAN: So, we don't go anywhere near them
maybe they taste good?
RENF: Er - the rains. The rains have washed away the,
er - the bridge
RENF: Over the ravine
STAN: OK - how do we get
MUFFY:(laughs) We're staying
DRACUL: I'm afraid you
have very little choice, you will stay here with me. Renfield - take our guests
to their rooms. And prepare one more - I have a feeling we have another very
special guest tonight. It's just a shame I've not met him yet
looks up at a balcony high above - Kai is standing there)
the way through some hanging tapestries. The Goths follow him upstairs, Stan and
Xev whispering at the bottom of the staircase)
STAN: Did you see
that, did you see how I spotted him? I knew he was a vampire
XEV: I don't
care what he is, we have to find Kai and help him do whatever it is that he came
here to do
STAN: But what about the girls, maybe I can help them
DAVINIA: Dracul is sooo mine
MANDRA: He is so mine!
girls - we are all his
XEV: I think the girls will be just fine
Yeah, but, but - maybe I can save them, see - Kai can do whatever he's doing,
and I can save the girls - I've got the technology!
XEV: Stan - I think we
can give you a new stage. Stage four, for stupidity (smiles)
(He follows the girls upstairs. Then a hand grabs Xev's
shoulder - but it's Kai. She hugs him)
XEV: Kai! I'm so pleased to
KAI: I can see that. The Count is not what Stanley understands to be
XEV: Are these vampire things what made you come here?
XEV: What do you mean?
(Kai leads her into an
KAI: I may not be the only creature to have survived the
fall of the Cluster. Another being similar to me, may also have escaped from the
XEV: How? It's been 4000 years since the Light Universe was
destroyed. Wouldn't it need protoblood to keep going?
KAI: Protoblood - or a
cryopod where it could remain in frozen sleep
XEV: So you think - there's
another Divine Assassin on this planet?
KAI: The Divine Order commanded
greater hunters then the Divine Assassins. Sometimes an assassin would
malfunction, so His Shadow developed a special breed of super assassin, designed
to hunt down and destroy those who, like me, failed to serve his
XEV: Right. Well, if there is one here, we have to find his cryotube
and destroy it
KAI: We can try. But we must be careful
his back on Xev to pick up a lantern)
KAI: I have been in hives like
this before. They are the kind of place where people -
(Xev has gone.
A section of the wall is sliding back into place)
(Kai heads down the passage)
(Renfield opens the door
to a bedchamber. Stan and the Goths go inside)
RENF: You can all
stay here tonight. Oh, and - sleep lightly. The master may seek your audience.
Seek your audience, yeah
(Renfield leaves. Stan sits down on the
STAN: Only one bed? So, which one of you girls wants to enjoy
the pleasure of being - saved, by me first?
MANDRA: You don't get it, do you
DAVINIA: We don't want to be saved
MUFFY: Show him,
(The girls pull their hair away from their necks. Stan looks -
they each have letters tattooed there)
STAN: Er, yes, very nice - so
what does all that mean?
MUFFY: Our blood types. We thought the Count might
want to know what flavour he's getting
STAN: You mean, you'd rather have him
STAN: Than have a good time with me?
STAN: You (does up his uniform) are very sick
MUFFY: We're Goths!
(Stan tries the door - it's
(Kai walks down a spiral stone staircase, and into a crypt. A
light is shining on a tomb. Kai checks his parchment, and starts clearing
cobwebs away. Renfield creeps up behind him with an old gun, but Kai grabs it,
throws it onto the floor)
RENF: Mitch (?) Renfield, at your
service. So - you're a hunter of vampires?
KAI: I am a hunter, but not of
RENF: Ah, really - and what do you hunt?
KAI: I once hunted
people. Today I hunt a greater evil
RENF: What, what greater evil?
Perhaps the darkness that spawned your vampire legends
RENF: Then it seems
you know the truth behind the veil
KAI: What lies behind the veil?
My great grandfather was the first of my family to encounter the
(He jumps up onto the tomb)
RENF: He discovered an
ancient myth, about a demon who fell to earth. Weakened by its fall, the
creature needed to find more of its blood. So it took to men and women, made
them hunger for the blood of their own. Now, they would serve the demon, by
drawing in new prey, and in return the demon would nurture
(Renfield jumps down, as Kai slides the lid off the tomb. Inside
is the body of Father Borscht)
KAI: Father Borscht. He spoke of a
master of the land, who could create servants to do his bidding
RENF: If you
like - and there is absolutely no obligation - I can show you the true origin of
the myth of the vampire
(Renfield lurches away. Kai follows
(Xev walks through a doorway, into a bedchamber. Dracul is standing
by the window)
XEV: Dracul! What is going on here?
castle is very old. It has many secrets - just like you
XEV: I don't have any
DRACUL: Would you care for a glass of wine?
(He hands her a goblet, and she drinks)
you going to have some too?
(Xev drinks some more,
XEV: It's good
DRACUL: You are very beautiful,
XEV: Thank you. I wasn't always, you know
DRACUL: Such hair. Such
eyes. Such lips. Such life
XEV: Dracul - do you want me? Because I tell you
something - you can have me. I'm a love slave
DRACUL: How interesting
I'll do anything
DRACUL: I see. You wish for my embrace?
starters, anyway. So, how about it? (drinks)
XEV: Yes please
(Dracul moves closer - and Xev falls
backwards onto the bed, unconscious)
(Meanwhile, Stan is in a state of
STAN: OK, first we find Xev and then we get out of here. No
no - first we get out of here, and then we find Xev. We just -
looks out of the window - it's a long way down)
STAN: Definitely not
getting out that way. I tried the door before, right?
(Stan bangs on the door)
STAN: Help! Help! I'm
stuck in here with three girls wearing too much makeup, who want somebody to
suck their blood!
DAVINIA: Hey, we're not wearing too much
(Suddenly Dracul flings open the door - slamming it into
DRACUL: My children - the time has come
to break the news to you, pal, but nobody's sucking anybody's blood around here,
while Stan the man is in charge
(Stan holds up a holy relic, but
Dracul doesn't seem worried)
DRACUL: I'm sorry to disappoint you Mr
Tweedle, but that will not work on me this time
MUFFY: Get with the plan,
Stan. We invited him in, so that destroys any power you may have over
STAN: You stay out of this, I'm gonna save you whether you like it or
(He holds up some garlic)
DRACUL: Oh, no - garlic
just gives me bad breath
(Stan tries some of the other things hanging
from his neck)
DRACUL: No - no - sorry
(Stan is backed
onto the window ledge)
STAN: Don't make me jump!
DRACUL: Yes, jump! It will tenderise you. Is there anything else you
would like to try on me?
(Stan blows on Kai's ocarina.
In the clearing, the moth hears it, and takes off)
DRACUL: Oh dear -
I was at least expecting a gun
STAN: OK, what can I say? You win, I
DRACUL: That's right. We win - you die
GOTHS: Jump! Jump!
(Muffy pushes Stan out of the window. He falls, dragging her
with him - and they land on the moth)
STAN: Are we dead
MUFFY: You bastard!
STAN: I don't believe it, it worked!
You absolute bastard!
STAN: Oh Kai, I think I love
(Meanwhile, Renfield leads Kai to a narrow passage - body
RENF: I gotta tell you, it's taken an age to find a man
worthy of taking this path, and I'm quietly confident that you are that man.
RENF: What, you have fear?
No, as I cannot feel the emotion
RENF: Then what is holding you back?
Perhaps you should have fear. If this is a trap, I will kill you
Enter - please, please
(Kai enters the passage - Renfield turns a
handle, then pulls on a chain, which lowers the front of an iron maiden over the
entrance to the passage. Inside, Kai sees the other half, with spikes protruding
from it, coming towards him. He turns, but is trapped between the two halves.
The spikes go all the way through)
RENF: Say hello to mummy!
(He laughs, runs a finger along a spike, flicks a drop of protoblood
(Stan and Muffy are now inside the moth)
worried about your friends?
MUFFY: Probably vampires by now, lucky bitches.
Are you going back for your friends?
STAN: Well I really really really don't
wanna go back there, and neither should you
MUFFY: Look, if I'm not getting
off with Dracul, I am definitely getting off with Kai!
STAN: They don't
deserve my help, but I will go back and help them - soon as I've had another
glass of that funny water they have at the inn
MUFFY: (smiles) You
STAN: Booze? That's a good name for it. Booze
castle, Dracul puts his arms around the Goth girls)
DRACUL: Well, at
least I still have two of you. You first
(He goes to bite Mandragora
- who slaps him)
MANDRA: Ah ah ah - fangs off!
DRACUL: You will
serve me, I am a vampire!
DAVINIA: Don't think so
pulls out his fake fangs, drops them on the floor)
DRACUL: Oh. You
have defanged me
(She crushes them underfoot)
supposed to bite things!
MANDRA: Oh, you bite all right. You also
DRACUL: How dare you talk to me like that! I am Dracul!
You're nothing, bat boy. You let Captain Tweedle get away
DRACUL: Ah, yes -
but I have the girl Xev. I captured her - for you
(The girls hold hands, and
(Renfield turns a handle, raising the iron maiden up to the
ceiling. He laughs, and walks away)
(The moth flies to the village. Stan
and Muffy go back into the inn - the peasants all go quiet as they walk
STAN: All right, all right
STAN: Five drinks
- all booze
(A peasant comes up behind Stan, checks his neck for bite
PEASANT: You survived the Count's
(Stan starts drinking)
course he survived
PEASANT: Dracul is a curse on us. He does not just rule
this land, he drains it of life!
STAN: Yeah, he might. He might rip off your
heads and spit down your throat, and he might - er - rip open your guts and use
them to make little baskets
(Stan drinks some more, then
MUFFY: You are so embarrassing
STAN: Well, so what? This
could be your chance. This could be your one chance to show him that sure he
can, he can take your finest rarest meats, and he can take your - your other
things, but he cannot take your freedom!
(The peasants all cheer at
PEASANT: Does he have any good food up there?
got dead thing pie
PEASANT: I love dead thing pie!
start waving their forks)
STAN: Yeah, guys, I think you're gonna
need bigger weapons than that
(The peasants rush out onto the street,
chanting, waving farm implements etc.)
VANH: Finally - some progress
in these peasants' lives
PEASANT: To the castle! Dead thing pie! Dead thing
(Van Helsing holds back from the mob)
STAN: Are you
(Van Helsing goes back inside the inn)
hey hey hey - I thought you said vampires didn't exist, that it was all
VANH: They don't exist - at least, I don't think they exist. I can't
go up there
(He closes the inn door. Stan grabs a
STAN: Dead thing pie!
(The mob starts marching to
(Xev is now lying on the bed, wearing the traditional white
night-dress. She stretches, then wakes up properly and looks around her. She
goes to stand by the window)
GOTHS: Xev! Xev!
Mandragora and Davinia are in the room with her)
MANDRA: We've come
to be with you Xev
XEV: (dreamy) Have you been eaten
DAVINIA: Oh, we were eaten a long time ago (she gets onto bed)
and now - we want to eat you. After all - you're young, and strong, and
full of kisses (strokes Xev)
XEV: Sure I am - full of kisses for
(Xev smiles, and lies back on the bed)
(The mob is
closer to the castle. Through the thunder and lightning can be heard that
unlikely battle cry - dead thing pie!)
(Dracul walks in to the room
where the iron maiden is dangling from the ceiling. He starts ranting at
DRACUL: I am the master of this castle! I am Lord Dracul, Count
of Vorga, and my authority will not be usurped. Look at me - am I not glorious?
This is not a charade
(Dracul takes an axe, uses it to slide open the
eye plate on the iron maiden - bad idea. Kai fires his brace through it, cutting
the chain and dropping the iron maiden to the floor. It opens, and Kai pulls
himself free of the spikes)
DRACUL: Oh, bugger!
is now at the castle gates)
MOB: Dead thing pie! Dead thing pie!
Dead thing pie!
PEASANT: Lynch mob!
(They open the
STAN: (to Muffy) That was easy
his brace at Dracul)
DRACUL: I'm not a vampire
KAI: Why do you
pretend to be this Dracul?
DRACUL: I'm just an English actor! Listen - I was
paid to do this job by the real owner of this castle - it's just a show to keep
the peasants in line!
(Kai lowers his brace)
know, I was offered Richard III at the National Theatre, and I turned it down
just to do this bloody job!
KAI: Where is the real owner?
DRACUL: I don't
know, I've never met him. Renfield is the go-between
the room. Dracul starts putting on his act again)
DRACUL: I am the
RENF: You're not the master, you're a fool
Renfield's neck with his brace)
KAI: Where is the master?
This is my castle. I am the only master. There was no go-between. It was all
just a ruse to put the stupid peasants in their place
his brace, looks at Dracul)
KAI: Is he the only
(Stan and Muffy arrive on the scene, along with the chanting
mob. Renfield pulls a small crossbow out from behind his back, and shoots
MUFFY: Good shot!
STAN: Well, that's a switch - five
minutes ago you were ready to have his little vampire babies
MUFFY: We all
(Dracul looks back at Renfield)
wasn't in my contract!
(Dracul falls down, dead. Renfield hurriedly
tries to reload)
KAI: Why did you kill him?
RENF: Because he was
a bad actor!
(Renfield aims at Kai, but Kai kills
STAN: Now that's what I call a good shot!
looks down at Renfield, kicks the crossbow away from him, and walks on. Stan
(In the bedchamber, Xev is lying back, while the Goth girls
touch her, kiss her)
GOTHS: Join us, Xev. Burn with us. Burn with
us. Hold us. Join us
(Then they hear a shout)
(The Goths leave. Xev opens her eyes)
(sits up) I was just starting to have fun!
stroking the spikes of the iron maiden. Kai walks past her on his way to the
MUFFY: Were you in here?
MUFFY: What did it
KAI: It was a penetrating experience
(Kai leaves. Stan
is about to follow, but Muffy stops him)
(suspicious) For what?
MUFFY: For rescuing me
(She takes his
torch, throws it away)
MUFFY: How can I show my
STAN: (smiles) In many ways
MUFFY: Well - there's no
time like the present, is there?
STAN: My thoughts exactly
leads him away into a room. He kisses her hand)
(Muffy takes her dress off. Stan is too distracted by her
purple lingerie to notice the Cluster tattoo on her stomach)
(Xev and Kai
are in the entrance hall. Xev has changed back into her blue poodle outfit, but
without the jacket)
XEV: Have you found what you were looking
XEV: Is that a bad thing or a good thing?
KAI: It is not a
XEV: I'm quite ready to leave Transylvania right now, are
XEV: Good. I've been having the strangest dreams
(Xev and Kai walk out into the courtyard, and hear Stan's
STAN: Uh huh, uh huh - twist it! Twist it!
like Stan is finally getting some enjoyment
MANDRA: Bye bye
(Davinia and Mandragora wave from a balcony. Xev and Kai walk over,
look up at them. Muffy walks onto the balcony)
MUFFY: Smell my
MANDRA: Time to show the
(Davinia sniffs. Stan joins the girls. Mandragora takes
his hat while Muffy removes the garlic and crosses from his
XEV: That was quick
(Stan puts his hat back on,
smiles, waves - but something isn't right about him)
STAN: I'm not
finished yet, but I soon will be, I promise!
(Davinia leads him away.
Lightning strikes the top of the tower. There's a large Cluster symbol on the
roof, which opens. Down inside the bottom of the tower is a passage, at the end
of which is a cryopod. The Goths approach it, and a woman
VLAD: Why have you awakened me?
MANDRA: Renfield has been
VLAD: Then you must replace him. You need not awaken me to do
MUFFY: We have replaced him. We woke you to tell our mistress that we
have served you well - very very well
(She rubs her finger on Vlad's
withered lips. Vlad licks at the protoblood)
can get you more
(He pushes his way in front of the
STAN: We can get you all you need
(He smiles. A
© Filking Fairy
© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana