Lexx 4.09 Fluff Daddy
(written by Paul Donovan, Jeffrey Hirschfield)
(The Lexx is in orbit around the moon. Stan, Kai and 790 are
on the bridge)
STAN: It's a Type 13 planet, it's in its final
stages, it's infected with some kind of alien - we are going to leave, now that
we know. The question is - where do we go?
790: I suggest you go several
paces to your left until you fall off the bridge to your death
about you Kai, you got any constructive ideas? No - let me guess - the dead
don't care where we go! (smiles)
KAI: The dead don't care where you
(And then First Lady Bunny appears on the view
BUNNY: Hello? I'm looking for Stanley H Tweedle. Are you
(Bunny looks at someone off-screen -
it's like she's following a script, trying to sound sexy)
want you. I need you. In my arms, in my bed, right now. I made love to the wrong
man in Newfoundland, and my hot body still aches for the real Stanley Tweedle.
Please come to the White House and make sweet love to me
STAN: Well good,
good Bunny, I'm glad we got that cleared up
(Bunny vanishes from the
screen. Stan gets up on the pedestal)
STAN: OK, that's it - we're
going back to Earth, pronto!
KAI: Are you sure you want to return to an alien
infected Type 13 planet in its final stage?
STAN: Well look, every planet has
its flaws - besides, I'm gonna get you to come with me for protection
Kai's not going anywhere. He has a date - on my face
KAI: I will accompany
you if you wish, Stanley
XEV: I wanna come too
(Xev strides onto
the bridge, looking a little bit cranky)
KAI: For what
XEV: No reason, I just (growls) want to
take a moth to Earth, land near the White House, walk across the
STAN: All right, come on! I may not be the first into the
First Lady, but I bet I'll be the best (laughs)
XEV: I want to -
take - a walk
(She wanders off, unsteadily. Kai watches her
KAI: Perhaps I should join you
STAN: Oh no no no, you
promised to stick with me, remember? Hey Xev, you can take your walk later.
KAI: Xev is not well. I will go after her
STAN: No way, you -
I will return, Stanley. Enjoy your sexual encounter with the President's wife
STAN: Yeah, I'll try!
(President Priest comes
out of the Oval Office, hangs a 'Please do not disturb' sign on the door.
Inside, Bunny is sitting on the desk removing her stocking, while Stan
STAN: Oh, Bunny - are you trying to seduce me? 'Cause it's
working. Matter of fact, you're causing quite a commotion in my pants
(Bunny throws a stocking at him, and he sniffs it. She gets
up and takes off her jacket)
BUNNY: Let's just get it over
(She touches a book on a shelf - and the fireplace slides out,
revealing a double bed. She gets onto the bed, starts tidying the pillows. Stan
lies down on the other end of the bed)
STAN: Woo - hee! This is
gonna be special
BUNNY: I'm only doing this because the President wishes me
(She takes off her skirt. Stan smiles)
BUNNY: I love
the President so badly it hurts. And I will do whatever the President
STAN: Wherever he wants?
BUNNY: Don't push it
smiles, but she's not very happy with the whole situation. She kneels on the
bed, takes her top off - just wearing her pink undies)
that's good, that's good - that's delightful! Oh, come to daddy! Oh, so - are
you ready to -
(Stan spreads his legs, tries to look
STAN: - tussle with the muscle?
(Bunny undoes this
uniform and lowers her head - )
( - and we cut to a shot of an angry guy
in a suit, walking down a street, eating a wrap, talking on his mobile
GUY: How? What? Who? Him, screw him! Nah, screw him. No,
literally screw him - send someone over to his house to do it, pants down, the
whole nine yards, and I want pictures. What? Who else? That guy, screw him
(He walks down an alley - past Xev, who is curled up with her
arms around her legs. She does not look good. She snarls)
back at the White House - )
STAN: Oh, I'm wiggly, I'm all
(Bunny beats her fists against Stan's chest and gets
BUNNY: No no no no! It's not working for me
working fine on my end!
BUNNY: In bed with the President, I'm a raging tiger
STAN: Oh, sounds good
BUNNY: - but with you, Stanley Tweedle - you do
absolutely nothing for me, zero. With you, I'm - a dead cat
STAN: Oh, well,
we'll just have to wake up that little pussy, idn't he gorgeous? Besides, you
know your husband wants you to do this - you don't wanna make him mad, do you?
(Bunny shakes her head)
BUNNY: It really, really
hurts to do this. But - I love him so much
(She stands up over Stan,
gets remote control, turns the TV on)
STAN: What's going
BUNNY: I'm playing a sexy movie - it might help me get in the
(Stan looks up between her legs)
STAN: Well -
whatever wakes up that cat
(He gets up, licks Bunny's arm. The movie
plays. A sexy lady is getting a pizza delivery - with some wonderfully bad line
DICK: Your pizza ma'am
LOOLOO: Is it -
DICK: Piping hot, ma'am
LOOLOO: I like it - hot. Is there extra
DICK: All the sausage you could ever want
LOOLOO: You are not
(She pulls the guy indoors. Stan glances at the movie - and
recognises the girl - it's Lyekka. He probably wouldn't recognise the guy as
Jeff Hirschfield, voice of 790)
STAN: That's Lyekka!
STAN: Lyekka! She's a friend of mine, she was with us on the
(Stan loses all interest in Bunny, and goes to the TV, where
LooLoo is pulling the delivery guy onto the bed)
DICK: That'll be
LOOLOO: I'll pay you after I have my slice
STAN: She was a plant.
Well, first she was a dream about this girl that I knew, then she was a plant,
and then she was killed, and then she was a dream again -
STAN: Well, it's a long story OK, but she - it's Lyekka! She's the only
girl I ever felt special about in a real way
BUNNY: That's nice
she felt special about me too, she told me so. I thought she was gone forever,
but there she is
(Bunny joins him by the TV, looks at the video case.
Stan does his uniform up)
STAN: I gotta find her - that guy she's
with? All wrong. Where is that place?
BUNNY: I get these from Prince. It says
here they come from Kennebunkport, Maine
(Stan takes the
STAN: Lyekka - I'm coming. Stan the man is gonna save
(He plants a kiss on the screen, and leaves. Bunny watches the
LOOLOO: Oh, look - it makes its own sauce
the alley, the angry man goes to his car, opens the door. Xev follows, rolls -
and pounces. A guy in a nearby dumpster watches, and passes out)
moth flies to a large building near the sea - home of Huffertainment Adult Video
Productions. Stan walks in, clutching his video. There's a security guard at
STAN: I'm here to see Lyekka
(He taps on the picture of LooLoo, on the case. The guard moves
to stand in front of the stage door)
GUARD: It's a closed
STAN: Well that's OK, go ahead and open it, I'll wait
GUARD: A closed
set means - no admittance
STAN: Oh no no, you don't understand, you see -
I've gotta see her and she's gotta see me - we gotta see each other, it's just
the way it is, so, you know, just go and -
(This clearly isn't
working. Stan tries a different approach)
STAN: Hey, I'm a security
guard too, right - well, at least I was, you know, so we're on the same team,
huh? So what about cutting a break for a brother in the trade? Huh?
Well, why didn't you say so?
(The guard punches him to the
(Back in the alley, Prince has arrived. He pulls some bags of
rubbish out of the way. Xev is curled up behind them, asleep. He blows on her
face, and she opens her eyes)
(touches her face) You're not looking very well
XEV: Well, I'm not
feeling very well. I don't know how I got here
PRINCE: I'm so sorry to hear
(He helps her to stand up)
XEV: How did you find
PRINCE: One of my many special talents
XEV: Right. What do you want
PRINCE: Tell me Xev - how are you enjoying your stay on the Earth
(They walk down a street. Xev is unsteady, so Prince supports
XEV: So far, I hate this planet. I don't know what made me
decide to come back here. As soon as I find Kai and Stanley we are
PRINCE: Oh, but there's still so much fun to be had, Xev. Why don't
you wait until we've made a spectacular mess of this planet, and then we can all
go off together on the Lexx
XEV: Sounds wonderful, but I'm ready to leave
PRINCE: You don't know how much fun you'd be missing,
Xev(laughs) Such suspicion. Come on - I won't bite you
XEV: I might
(She walks off. Prince smiles)
Huffertainment, the guard has a hold of Stan, and is about to throw him
STAN: I gotta see Lyekka!
(Then through the stage
door, he hears someone shout)
HUFF: I am haemorrhaging cash and I
want that new fluffer in here now!
STAN: I'm the new fluffer!
STAN: Yeah, yeah! Best fluffer in the two universes, reporting for
(Stan nips through the door, locking it behind him so the guard
(Xev and Prince are walking down a steep
PRINCE: What would you say if I told you I could take you to
the one man on this planet that you would be most interested to meet
PRINCE: Kai, the living Kai
XEV: I'd say that you were a
(Prince walks in front of her)
PRINCE: But I'm not.
You saw for yourself the legions of souls that were released from Fire and Water
when those planets were destroyed. Most, if not all those spirits, came here!
And the living Kai is of course among them. Perhaps a chance to meet with the
living Kai, the real Kai, might persuade you to extend your stay with us a
little longer, hmm?
XEV: If it were possible, and I really wanted to -
(Prince stops walking in front of the stage door of a theatre -
there's a poster advertising Henry V)
XEV: Forget it. I don't trust
you. I don't trust anything you say. You're evil, and you're Prince, and I
simply want nothing more to do with you
(She tries to move, but he
blocks her way)
PRINCE: Xev, this is a brand new world. I really
think you should consider giving yourself a little time to indulge in some of
its attractions, before departing for the great unknown
XEV: Not interested!
I'm off this planet as soon as possible - without you! Cheerie bye!
Very well. I will accept my little defeat (kisses her hand) with
(He waves, and walks away. Xev walks in the other direction -
then comes back, and has a closer look at the poster - it's Kai. She opens the
door and goes inside)
(On the set of the latest Huffertainment movie -
Deep Space 69. LooLoo is on a bed, wearing a blue wig and chewing gum, while
getting her directions from the cigar chewing Huff - better known to us as Lex
HUFF: Now darling, when you see him come to the door, I'm
looking for you to be a bit more demure, or stand-offish if you will. Ankles are
gonna be up around your ears in a minute, so let's try and build some
anticipation in the audience. Is that OK with you, kitten?
and they kiss. Stan walks onto the set)
STAN: I'm here, here I
(They get off the bed and look at him)
LOOLOO: What is
STAN: I'm your new fluffer - it's me!
HUFF: What's your name,
STAN: Ask her - she knows (waves) Hi Lyekka!
LOOLOO: Huff -
is he talking to me?
STAN: I've been dreaming about you non-stop for 4000
LOOLOO: He is talking to me - make him stop!
and lies down on the bed)
STAN: Lyekka - hi Lyekka!
really our new fluffer?
STAN: Oh yeah! Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.
HUFF: Name's Hufferton. Barnabas K Hufferton. I am the proprietor of
(He leads Stan off the
HUFF: You may of course know me from my political career but,
you see me today as a man who has found his true calling. My friends, they call
me Huff, and that my friend, you may do
(Huff holds out his hand -
Stan figures out he's supposed to shake it. Huff looks at LooLoo, who blows him
STAN: Oh yeah yeah, um - well I'm Captain Stanley H Tweedle.
You can call me Stanley
HUFF: Well now, tell me Captain Stanley - how did you
become a fluffer?
STAN: Er - practice, yeah. You know what, I'm the best
there is and that's all there is to it
(Stan clearly has no idea what
a fluffer is. On set, Dick the delivery guy checks the mattress. LooLoo hits him
STAN: Yeah you see - it can be unfluffy when I get it, but
when it goes back out again its very fluffy - guaranteed
past, trying to learn his lines)
DICK: FIFteen ninety five. Fifteen
HUFF: But how do you manage to be a fluffer, to earn a living,
when the art of fluffery has always been exclusively a female domain?
Oh, well, that's just being closed minded. Yeah, you know, there's not a job
anywhere a man like me can't do better than a woman, you know, well, except for
actually being a woman - but even there, you know, I understand womens needs a
lot better than a lot of women, because I think about women all the
HUFF: I admire your spunk Stanley, I truly do. Coming from a man in my
profession, that means a lot. So - down to business. Dick - where are you, stud?
Dick Dongler is on his way to being number one in the adult entertainment
business. He's provided onscreen enjoyment to more than a thousand fine
STAN: Well, halfway caught up to being me then -
pulls her gum at him. Huff brings Dick over to join them)
Dick, it would appear that our new fluffer has arrived in the form of this
gentleman here. Now I was just advising him that you might prefer to have
someone of the more feminine persuasion
(Dick takes off his
sunglasses, looks Stan up and down)
DICK: S'OK. I don't
HUFF: I hereby dub you "Fluff Daddy"
(Meanwhile, Henry V is
getting underway - never has there been a production quite like this one. The
stage is set up like a catwalk, covered in sand, with a big black and white
backdrop of Kai's face. The lights come on, and the girls seated along the edge
of the stage start to cheer and clap, as does Xev. The living Kai swings down
from the ceiling, hanging on a red sash. He is dressed like a sumo wrestler, and
the background music is Japanese drums, etc. The lines are taken from Act 4,
LKAI: If we are marked to die, we are enough
To do our
country loss; and if to live,
The fewer men, the greater share of
For he that sheds his blood with me today
Shall be my
(He swings upside down - has a red cross painted on his
LKAI: Be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his
And - gentlemen in England now abed,
Shall think themselves
accursed, they were not here
(He lands on the
LKAI: Hold their voices with shame, when any speak
fought with us upon Saint Crispin's Day!
(From one bizarre
production, to another -)
HUFF: Deep Space 69, scene 18, take 9 -
(LooLoo, with blue hair and a silvery sci-fi outfit, opens
the door, and in comes a pizza delivery guy - in a space suit, helmet and
DICK: Your pizza ma'am
LOOLOO: Is it
(Dick takes off his helmet)
LOOLOO: I like it - full. Is there extra Mars meat?
All the Mars meat you could ever want
LOOLOO: You're not
(She pulls him inside, onto the bed)
That'll be 59.95 - er - zingbots
LOOLOO: I'll pay you after I have my
(Stan and Huff are watching behind the
HUFF: I love my work, Fluff Daddy. See, I was gifted in the
political forum but I'm happy because here I come to work every day with a song
in my heart - and a tingle in my trousers
(Stan laughs - then looks
back at the bed)
STAN: Ah! Lyekka, she's, she's not, not smooth
around the bend. She's - not even close
(The scene is not going well.
LooLoo gets off the bed, pulls on a robe, pulls off her wig to reveal short
LOOLOO: You reek! Your skin smells like rotten fish.
Your breath - have you been drinking from the toilet?
(She slaps Dick
LOOLOO: Get away from me, garbage man!
storms off set)
HUFF: Two minutes, everyone (to Dick) Hose
off - gargle!
STAN: Lyekka, you're not smooth around the bend, that's
excellent, for both of us!
LOOLOO: Who is this idiot, and why does he keep
trying to talk to me?
STAN: Oh, you're just teasing me, right Lyekka? Stan,
Stan the man, Stan -
(He tries to touch her, but she shoves him
LOOLOO: Huff, have this guy clubbed!
Stan away to the curtained area Dick Dongler is using as a dressing
HUFF: Fluff Daddy - duty calls. Go, immerse yourself in your
craft. Fluff like no fluffer has ever fluffed before
STAN: You bet I
(Stan goes inside, coughs to get Dick's
STAN: Dick Dongler, is it? (whispers) Look, I
was kind of bluffing before when I said that I was the new guy. So just tell me,
because this is my first time, OK - what exactly does a fluffer
DICK:(shrugs) Whatever it takes to get me camera ready
(Stan looks outside through the curtain. Dick drops his
DICK: I'm partial to wrist action
(Stan looks back
at him - and is horrified)
HUFF: And then we're gonna come down
here, we're gonna push in on you on the bed -
(Stan backs onto the
HUFF: Something wrong, Fluff Daddy?
Don't call me that! You want me to go in there and do that - with that guy?! No
HUFF: Did you not claim expertise in your chosen field, Fluff
STAN: I said don't call me that! I was just pretending. That's it.
Really I'm here on a mission from the First Lady of the White House
HUFF: The First Lady?
STAN: Yeah, yeah - I'm here to rescue Lyekka
and to take her to safety and I intend to do just that
How, Fluff Daddy?
STAN: Well, I'm just gonna go right here, I'm gonna take
her, and, and don't you try to stop me, you, you - sick people!
takes hold of LooLoo - who doesn't want to go with him. Huff beckons to the
guard, who pulls Stan away)
LOOLOO: Hurt him!
HUFF: Good luck on
your next career, Fluff Daddy-o!
(Huff and LooLoo kiss. Stan is
thrown out of the building. He sees a man in a phone box on the boardwalk. When
the man comes out, Stan goes in, and picks up the receiver)
Hello, hello -
VOICE: Please hang up and try your call again
no, you don't understand. I've gotta talk to the President
VOICE: Please hang
up and try your call again
(Stan hangs up and walks away, then rushes
back when the phone rings)
(Prince is calling from his office beneath the White
PRINCE: How are you, Stanley
STAN: Well I'm not good Prince. I'm in a bit of a bind, you gotta
help me out. Look, I'm sorry about trying to kill you down there in Miami, you
know, Orlando, wherever it was you were
PRINCE: It's nothing that I wouldn't
have done myself. Now - how may I be of assistance?
STAN: Well look, look -
I've found where Lyekka is, only they locked me out of the building that she's
in, OK? Now look - it's called Huffertainment or something in Kennebunkport
PRINCE: Yes yes, I see, Huffertainment, right. Well - I think I may be able
to help you, Stanley
STAN: Oh - you're a pal Prince - you know, when you're
not being completely evil, that is (laughs)
PRINCE: Thank you. But
first of all, let's talk about what's in it for me
STAN: Well, I won't try to
kill ya for one
PRINCE: Appreciated - and you will also agree not to leave
the planet until I am ready to depart, and become a guest on the Lexx
OK, I agree, now will you just get me back with Lyekka?
PRINCE: It's a
pleasure doing business with you
(Prince hangs up. Stan looks at the
receiver, drops it and walks out of the phone box. Not long after this, ATF
agents storm the building)
Huff, who is on the bed with LooLoo)
HUFF: What's this?
HUFF: That would be me
ATF: You're under
HUFF: For what?
ATF: The illegal possession of Cuban cigars. Strip
search this man. Do it, now!
(ATF agents drag Huff away, as Stan
ATF: Sign here please
puts a pen in Stan's hand, moves it across the clipboard to get a
ATF: Congratulations. You're now the proud owner of
Huffertainment. He just signed it over to you
(In the corridor, Huff
is bent over, pants around his ankles. Agents hold guns at his head, while one
of them puts on rubber gloves, and starts searching)
STAN: Oh, good.
Lyekka - like I said, the First Lady sent me to rescue you
onto the bed beside her)
STAN: All you gotta do, is get your memory
back, and I intend to see that you do just that (smiles)
Daddy! Don't let them do this! You don't know what they'll do to me in
STAN: Guys, just take him away, he deserves it
pulls out his hand, and Huff straightens up. LooLoo thinks
LOOLOO: Oh Stanley. I'm starting to remember now. I'm so glad
you found me!
STAN: See?! (to Huff, who is being
LOOLOO: But I want him to stay with us
LOOLOO: He's a pig of a man - but a great director. The world needs his
art - please? For me?
STAN: OK, just -
(He points at his cheek.
LooLoo kisses it)
(The theatre. The show is over, the droolers are gone.
The living Kai, in shorts and a T-shirt, is sitting on the edge of the stage,
using a staple gun to fire staples into the sole of his foot. Xev walks up to
XEV: Why are you doing
(Xev takes his staple gun away)
LKAI: The actor
must understand pain
XEV: I want you to understand pleasure as
(She strokes his hair. He looks at her, and she sits beside
XEV: Kai - you don't know this - but I'm a love slave, and
we've known each other for thousands and thousands of years. For all that time
I've been trying to get you to want me - but you couldn't, because you were
(Living Kai looks confused by this - can you blame
XEV: But now you're alive, and we're together. I want you love
me - right here, right now
LKAI: I am not above indulging in the pleasures of
the flesh, but I have committed myself to remain celibate for the run of this
show. During this time every molecule of my essence must be funnelled towards
the realisation of the theatrical art. To allow it to be - spilled, in a
frivolous manner is to allow weakness and failure (stands up)
XEV: How long does the show run?
LKAI: Two months. Unless my grant is
extended - then six months
(Xev stands up)
LKAI: Of course. And now, I must retire. To sleep, perchance to
(He limps towards the top end of the stage)
I've nowhere to go. Can I stay here with you?
LKAI: Suit yourself
Then, let's go to bed
(Kai picks up a blanket, sits on the sand. Xev
sits down next to him)
XEV: I'm sure we'll be very
LKAI: The actor does not need comfort
that this is not going to be easy. Living Kai lies on his back under the
blanket, stroking a little poodle nearby. Xev snarls)
(Stan and LooLoo
are flying in the moth)
LOOLOO: Tell me everything again. How you
became captain of such a powerful ship - a ship that can blow up
STAN: Remember, the key? The key? It's alive, it lives inside me and
only me. Remember it got passed to me by a guy, at the point of his
STAN: I don't know. It's mysterious, it's -
Will it leave you when you die?
STAN: That stands to reason, yeah, but you
know - it can also be passed at the height, I mean the very extreme of sexual
ecstasy (grins) 'cause that's kinda like a little death,
LOOLOO: I want to fly away on the Lexx with you, Stan - but before that,
can I do one more thing?
STAN: Oh sure, sure, yeah yeah yeah
need to realise a dream - a dream with you in it. I want to make one last movie.
A never seen before mix of hard-core sex and hard-core politics, at the highest
level of public office, and I want you to co-star with me in it
what is it, what's this dream?
LOOLOO: The Oval Orifice. I want to shoot it
in the White House - but I think this is impossible
STAN: Oh, oh no - it's
(The theatre - another performance. Girls watch as Living Kai
crouches in front of a fan - that's an electric fan, not one of the girls. Act
4, scene 7)
LKAI: I tell you, there is good men born at
Here comes his majesty
(He turns the fan on, stands up,
and starts shouting his lines)
LKAI: I was not angry since I came to
Until this instant!
(Xev does not look well. She staggers
jerkily round the stage, sits down. Living Kai picks up tomatoes, and starts
hurling them at the fan)
LKAI: Take a trumpet, herald;
unto the horseman on yon hill:
If they will fight with us, bid them come
Or void the field, for they do offend our sight
some French, from Scene 5)
LKAI: Oh diable! Le jour est perdu! Le
jour est perdu! Tout est perdu! Tout est perdu! Tout est perdu!
turns, and walks back up the catwalk like a sumo wrestler - or maybe a Monty
(The White House. Priest and Bunny watch, as Stan, Huff and
the crew prepare to make the movie)
HUFF: Let's bring on our
(The secret bed slides out. LooLoo is lying on it, wearing a
long blonde wig, a long black dress, and a purple feather boa. Priest claps and
rushes forward. Stan gets onto the bed)
PRIEST: I play myself in
this scene, of course
STAN: No way pal, I'm the Commander in Chief in this
PRIEST: That's not fair!
STAN: Take it up with Prince!
OK, it's fair
(Meanwhile, Huff is kissing LooLoo's
STAN: Hey Huff, what are you waiting for? Yell "Action" or
something, then Lyekka and I are gonna make mattress magic
LOOLOO: No! - I
mean, yes, Stanley - but not in this scene. I have something special in mind for
STAN: Well, this looks pretty special to me
LOOLOO: But Stanley -
(strokes his nose) Mr President -
STAN: Mr President!
mean for us to make mad love in your super secret space moth
plays with her hair, bites her thumb)
STAN: Oh, say that again -
LOOLOO: Super, secret, space, moth
(Stan mouths the
words along with her - so does Priest, until Bunny elbows him)
Oh yeah, I think that could be arranged
LOOLOO: Good. Now, get out of my
(She pushes him away)
That'll be fifteen ninety-five
(Dick dives onto the bed, kneeling on
Stan. Clapper board of 'Oval Orifice'- Scene 42 Take 1 takes us into the next
shot - this one's in the moth. LooLoo and Stan in the front, Huff and Dick, with
a camcorder, squashed into the back)
HUFF: Now Fluff -
HUFF: Stan - Captain Stan -
STAN: Um hm
HUFF: At this point, you
and LooLoo have been chased out of the White House by transsexual terrorists,
and you've run to this escape vessel here. Now, you've only minutes to save
yourselves - but, you start talking about how tasty some of those terrorists
look, and the next thing you know you're all over each other. Then Dick here,
who's a pizza boy stowaway, he'll pop up in back and join in the fun
Yeah, well it may take a while to get to that part
HUFF: And -
(Huff backs out of the shot, Dick starts the video recording,
and Stan starts acting)
STAN: Oh, oh yeah, OK, er (coughs)
So - what about those - (he can't remember his line)
LOOLOO: Who cares about them?
throws her feather boa around Stan's neck, kisses him)
starting to remember now, Stan. Everything. The love between us, the passion -
and I remember that we could never make love because I was smooth round the
bend, but now -
(She takes his hand, pulls it down between her legs,
and kisses him. She strokes his palm - and the Key leaps out of Stan, and into
her. LooLoo breaks off the kiss, looks at her hand)
STAN: Woo, that
was some kiss!
STAN: Oh now Lyekka - that key is not a toy,
OK? You gotta give it back. Hey - why don't I get the key back from you, by
bringing you to the height of sexual ecstasy?
LOOLOO: I don't think
LOOLOO: Huff and I are leaving this planet, and you are not
invited. You're a disgusting pathetic creep!
(LooLoo kicks Stan out
onto the White House lawn. Huff gets into the front seat)
people have spoken, Fluff Daddy - and they have mandated that you plant a fat
one on my ham hock!
(Huff throws his cigar at Stan. LooLoo shuts the
door, pulls off her wig and grabs the controls. The moth takes off. Dick leans
DICK: So - are we still shooting?
LooLoo look at each other, then at Dick - who plummets to the
(Prince is at his desk, on the phone)
(Stan is using a security guard's phone)
Prince? Um - bad news. Look, Lyekka got the key from me, and she and that Huff
guy stole the moth, and they're on their way to the Lexx
STAN: And?! They're gonna leave the planet, on the Lexx!
Stanley - no key, no Lexx. Why should I care about you anymore?
say that! We got a deal, we're partners. Look, we've just gotta come up with
PRINCE: Where are you, Stanley?
STAN: I'm outside the White
House, talking on your security guy's squawker
PRINCE: Please put him
(Stan hands the phone to the guard)
STAN: He wants to
talk to you
GUARD: Yes sir?
PRINCE: Code Dandelion
STAN: Good, huh?
(Not good. The guard puts the phone in
his pocket, then pulls Stan's arm behind his back. ATF agents appear, aim guns
ATF: Get this freaking piece of faecal matter out of here,
and if he resists -(drapes rubber gloves over a gun) - strip search
(The moth flies to the Lexx. Huff and LooLoo walk onto the
bridge, where LooLoo picks up 790)
790: Lyekka! You're alive - like
I care. And who's your ugly friend?
LOOLOO: I'm the new captain of the
790: Does that mean you killed Stanley Tweedle? Oh happy day!
Where's the control centre?
790: The pedestal behind you. Say, while you're
at it, why don't the two of you kill each other?
(LooLoo throws him
to Huff, and gets up on the pedestal. She holds out her hand, and the template
LEXX: Hello, captain
LOOLOO: Lexx - I want to blow up
LEXX: As you command, captain
790: Do whatever you want, but
stay away from Kai!
(Huff drops 790 on the floor. LooLoo laughs. The
Lexx flies away)
(Having been thrown out of the White House, Stan is now
running along a street, stopping people to ask for help)
Excuse me, listen, listen, you gotta help me find a transmitter. I've gotta talk
Lyekka out of her plan to steal the Lexx, OK? Can you -
walks off. Stan tries to talk to a woman)
STAN: Excuse me, I need a
space transmitter, OK, 'cause if Lyekka steals the Lexx it's game
(No luck. He tries another man)
STAN: Listen, I just
need an ordinary everyday transmitter, can you just -
(But this man
can't help either. Stan stops outside an adult video store - then sees LooLoo's
picture on one of the video cases in the window. He goes inside, takes the
video, then comes out of the shop, kissing it)
(And then a man comes out after him)
planning on paying for that?
STAN: With what?
(The man takes the
video, and takes hold of Stan's arm)
MAN: I'm taking you in
No no no no, you can't do that - look, I didn't know I was supposed to give you
anything for it. What do you say we just take it back inside, eh, and no harm
done? No, no, look, look - I'm a security guard too, OK, or, you know, at least
I was - hey, we're on the same team, so, er, what do you say you cut a break for
a brother in the -
(Once again, this method fails, and Stan is
(Later. Stan is sitting in a straight jacket and mask in a
padded cell, with two doctors watching him)
STAN: I am not a thief!
I'm the captain of the Lexx, the most powerful destructive force in the two
universes! I could have blown up this planet anytime I wanted, you know, but I
didn't, so I should get some points for that right there. Look, anyway, the
thing is, that we are all in big trouble. Lyekka stole the key from me when we
were having sex. Now her and that, that, that, that, that - perverted! boyfriend
of hers are stealing the Lexx. Now I don't know what they intend to do with
it (he stands up) but believe me it is not gonna be for the good of
this planet, so you gotta let me go. I'm the only hope your planet
DOCTOR: We're agreed than? Full frontal lobotomy, first thing in the
STAN: Lobotomy, what's that?
DOCTOR: It's when we scrape out part
of the brain that's gone bad - which in your case, is a sizeable chunk
But there is nothing wrong with me!
DOCTOR: I recommend castration - and
surgical, not chemical, so it can't be reversed
STAN: Hey! I know what that is, you're not gonna do that to
me - come back here, you, you -
(In the theatre, Xev picks up a
little Kai doll - it's covered with blood. Xev is not looking well. The girls
have all disappeared, but Living Kai doesn't seem to notice. Twined in a red
sash, being showered with water, he carries on with Act 5 Scene
LKAI: In true English, I do love thee, Kate, though by that same
honour, I dare not swear thou lovest me
(The real Kai walks in, and
watches. The water stops, and Living Kai launches into a speech in German, which
isn't part of the original play)
KAI: Hello Xev
Kai!(hugs him, upset) Kai
(She leads him aside. Living Kai
carries on with his performance to an empty theatre)
XEV: Listen -
strange things have been happening to me. There were - people in here before.
And now, there's just this
(She holds up the bloody
XEV: And I've been blacking out. And when I wake up, someone
is gone, and I feel really bad in my stomach
KAI: The Cluster lizard part of
your physiology is undergoing a version of its reproductive cycle
KAI: A female Cluster lizard experiences a form of oestrus once every
seven years. During that period she becomes very - aggressive. At the end of the
cycle, she also eats her mate. I have been observing you. I saw you become a
lizard, and devour those people
XEV: And you didn't stop me?!
XEV: Because - because - of course you wouldn't. But I don't believe
you. I'm not that much of a lizard, and I know my own body! I've found love with
him - you, only alive. I know it's going to be work - but nothing's going to get
in the way
KAI: I disagree
(He walks away)
are you going?
KAI: To find Stanley. We can meet you back here - after you
have eaten your mate
XEV: Don't you care about what happens to him?
XEV: Kai - what do you think about his - your - acting?
looks at Living Kai)
KAI: The dead do not care about
(Out in space, the Lexx powers up - and
blasts a planet - Mars)
LOOLOO: Woohoo! This is fun!
Lexx turns and fires again - Venus, this time. LooLoo laughs. Huff captures it
all on video)
(Xev wakes up with a start. She's lying on the floor
backstage. She gasps, looking at what looks like the remains of the poodle. Kai
is watching her from behind one of the 'eye' curtains. Xev gets up from under a
table/ bed of nails? She clings to the edge of it, then sees the pool of blood
on it. She retches, bringing up blood)
XEV: Kai? Oh,
(She picks up a hank of long black hair - it's covered in blood.
She whispers something to it, then sinks back under the table, sobbing. Kai
(On the Lexx, LooLoo and Huff have made their way
into the cryochamber)
HUFF: What sort of room is this?
feels like a sort of cold storage - but for what?
HUFF: Make a great
LOOLOO: Look at this
(She's found Vlad, sealed in the
cryopod. She strokes the casing)
HUFF: Do you think she might be amenable to a little space
LOOLOO: Let's find out
(She works the controls. The
cryopod opens, and Vlad wakes up)
LOOLOO: Hi there
my name is Barnabas K Hufferton. My friends call me Huff, and you look like a
friend to me
LOOLOO: What Huff is trying to say is that we think you're hot.
Have you ever been in a movie?
VLAD: I kill you in the name of His Divine
(Vlad fires her impaler straight through Huff, and into LooLoo
- she barely has time to raise her hand. The key flies off, along a passageway,
past the bridge - and into a moth breeder)
MOTHB: Build more
© Filking Fairy
© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana