Lexx 4.11 A Midsummers Nightmare
(written by Jon Spira and Andrew Selzer with Paul Donovan)
(A moth heads for Earth. Kai is flying it - Stan is holding
STAN: England, huh? Really beautiful, isn't it? Yeah,
those Engs must be lucky people, look at all those trees down there. Xev's gonna
KAI: Xev is dead. Vlad killed her
STAN: Yes, I
(He covers Xev's ears, whispers)
STAN: Yes I know
Xev is dead, but Uther said the other druids, the ones at the feast of Morgrath
will bring her back to life
(Kai looks at him)
look, I know you think it's crazy, but we gotta give it a shot. You know,
sometimes I don't understand you Kai. Xev is our friend, and sometimes friends
are all you got. Look, Vlad was seconds away from killing you up there and I
saved your life, that's what friends do
KAI: You did not save my life. I am
dead, and Xev is now also dead
STAN: Look, if there's the slightest chance
that we can save her we gotta take it, OK?
KAI: There is no need to cover her
ears. She cannot hear us
(Stan takes his hand off Xev's ear, and very
gently strokes her hair)
STAN: Just fly, OK?
doesn't look right. Where are we?
KAI: We are approaching our
STAN: I think you took a wrong turn
KAI: These are the
STAN: Are you sure you know where you're going?
STAN: Yeah, well I'm gonna call 790
(He switches on the
STAN: 790? 790?
(790 appears on the view screen)
790: Yes, my
scrumptious bundle of corpse?
KAI: Respond to Stanley
790: I would rather
KAI: It would be helpful to me
790: Very well, I will listen to him -
but I'll be thinking of you. What is it, worm face?
STAN: 790, I think we're
790: You, Stanley Tweedle, are always lost. You are an anal wart in a
universe of beauty spots
KAI: Uther described the feast as taking place in a
forest called Glastonbury. We seem to be heading into a densely populated urban
STAN: And there are trees in a forest, right?
790: Kai, you are
right as always, and right for me - but I gave you new co-ordinates. I found out
that the feast has been moved this year due to an airborne cattle disease in the
countryside called foot and mouth - although the only airborne disease I'm aware
of right now is called Stan the Tweedle
KAI: So what is our
790: A city called London
KAI: Thank you, 790
moth flies past the Houses of Parliament, and heads for Battersea Power Station
- a large brick building with four tall white chimneys. They land outside. Kai
carries Xev, and they walk to a table where a man and woman in robes are
sitting. The man stands up, looking official)
COLIN: Whoa, whoa,
whoa - just a minute! And just where do you think you're going?
feast, Morgrath, it's here, right?
COLIN: No, it's the bloody 4th of July! Of
course it's the feast of Morgath, and why are you dressed like this? You're not
the Mincefields - these aren't the Mincefields, are they Marjorie?
most certainly are not, Colin
COLIN: In which case, you have to pay to get
in. And, you have to be properly registered card carrying dues paid members of
the British Druids Association, which is not part of the Celtic League, or in
anyway associated with the so-called International Federation of Real
STAN: Look, that's all very interesting, OK, but we don't have to be
members of anything, because Uther sent us
(While this has been going
on, two robed figures arrive, pushing a wheelbarrow full of barrels, and a
P-ROBE: Could it be?
O-ROBE: Time will tell
Uther? Never heard of him
STAN: Well, sure you have, he did that song, er,
er, er - what's it called, Kai?
KAI: It's Magic Magic Baby
(laughs) What, you mean Nigel Bunson? Where is nutty Nigel this year,
what's happened to barmy Bunson then?
STAN: Well, er, he's dead actually.
Vlad killed him
MARJ: (sarcastic) Oh. What a terrible loss for
skiffle lovers everywhere
COLIN: So, you're the ones Nigel says he's been
searching for all these years eh? Well I think he could've done a little bit
better. I mean, your Dark Man's about as menacing as a fluffy little squirrel.
Your Dead One is the least convincing corpse I've ever seen - I mean, where's
the blood, where are the black eyes? And as for you - yes, I do admit that you
do make quite a convincing Fool. Nonetheless -
(Kai puts Xev down on
the table, and aims his brace at Colin's neck)
COLIN: And just what
KAI: I was an assassin of the Divine Order. This is the weapon I
usually use to kill people
MARJ: Oh now, hold on. It states very clearly in
the Druidic Code, paragraph 86, section 16a - Druids may not carry weapons. You
are permitted a small knife - blade no longer than 1.6 inches - for herb
gathering purposes only. I'm going to take your cards back, people - if you have
(The taller robed figure steps forward, places his hand on
O-ROBE: Let them in
COLIN: Oh my god - you're
him. You're Tarquin Falstaff. I've seen you on Cults of England. You're the
O-ROBE: I know not of whom you speak
COLIN: Yes, yes, yes
- you, and their Uther -
(The robed man's eyes glow
O-ROBE: Let them in
COLIN: Yes. Fine
STAN: Hey, thanks
for helping us out
O-ROBE: Don't drink the mead, Red Fool. Thee neither, Dark
P-ROBE: I think he likes you, Fool
COLIN: If you're not Tarquin
Falstaff, who are you?
O-ROBE: Mead delivery
(The robed figures
wheel the barrow over to a large marquee outside the
O-ROBE: Did you hear them talk of Uther of Glastonbury's
P-ROBE: Yes, tragedy, he served us well
us, I mean of course you, my queen
P-ROBE: King, I said
(And then a voice comes form the sack in the
VOICE: I want to see! I want to see the Chosen
O-ROBE: You cannot. You must remain in the sack
VOICE: I don't want
to. It's dark and smelly in here
(He hits the sack with a bottle, and
it goes quiet)
O-ROBE: She never was much good in the
P-ROBE: (laughs) Very good, my queen - no,
(Inside the marquee, they pour mead into goblets - and sprinkle
some glowing stuff into it. The marquee is full of people in robes, standing
around, chatting. Stan and Kai enter with Xev. Kai puts her down on a chair, but
her body slumps over. Stan pulls her upright, then sits on a table to watch a
puppet show - like Punch and Judy, but with a starry background, and puppets
that look like Stan and Kai, and a Xev puppet lying on the
SPUPPET: I don't know what I'm doing. It's so terrible, and
I'm so stupid, I can't even stand up!
(The Stan puppet falls over,
and the Kai puppet helps him up)
SPUPPET: Thank you, Mister Dark
KPUPPET: Your thanks are worthless to me, because I have no soul at all.
I am a walking hollow shell of a man, waiting to be filled with joy and
SPUPPET: Duh - you also have a silly haircut. Silly silly silly
(Stan shakes his head)
STAN: What a dumb show.
Who's that red guy supposed to be anyway?
(Kai gives him a look. A
girl walks up to Stan)
GIRL: Excuse me
STAN: Yes? Oh
I be your lusting partner?
STAN: What's a, what's a lusting partner?
You get to spend the day lusting over me. Then I latch onto a Dark Man for the
rest of the evening and I lust after him, ignoring you forevermore - the way
it's supposed to be
STAN: Er, no, actually I already have a lusting
(He puts his arm around Xev, and she falls
GIRL: Oh well. Guess I'm too late. Happy feast
walks away. A druid blows on a horn, very badly - it hurts Stan's ears. Colin
gets up on stage)
COLIN: Hello everybody. Hello everybody, thank
you. If you could all don your hoods please, that's it, thank you. Hello. I'm
Colin, Colin Hamilton-Smythe. Good to meet you. I will be conducting proceedings
today, telling you what to do and when, all that kind of thing,
(Colin switches on an overhead projector, which shows a picture of
a druid. The mead is distributed to everyone)
COLIN: First, a little
history - what are we doing here? Well, the feast of Morgath, or Mograth as it
is sometimes known, is, as we understand it, the ancient druidic feast that
celebrates the wedding of the king of the forest. We hold the feast every year,
but believe that once every 1,500 years is a special feast, in which the king of
the forest marries a new bride, that we Druids present to him in a ceremony
blessed with magic
(Another picture on the OHP - a crude Celtic style
drawing of figures that look like Stan, Xev and Kai)
oral tradition of our Druid forefathers tells us that the next bride to be
presented to the king will be known as - the Dead One. And she will be
accompanied by the Red Fool, and the Dark Man
(Stan looks at Xev. Kai
looks at Stan)
COLIN: And, after careful selection from one of our
largest ever fields of contestants, the College of Grand Druids are proud to
present this year's Dead One, Red Fool and Dark Man (the horn sounds
again) - the Mincefield family!
(A curtain is drawn back to
reveal the Mincefields - a man dressed as Kai, and two women dressed as Stan and
Xev. Everyone applauds politely)
COLIN: OK everybody - let's hope
that this is the year for some real magic. A toast! (raises his goblet)
To the Red Fool, and the Dark Man, and the king's bride to be - the lucky, lucky
Dead One. Are all the cups filled? Even the children's? OK - this is the start
of an amazing night
(Stan takes a goblet)
Remember - don't drink it
COLIN: Charge your glasses. Oh feast of Morgath -
may magic appear to us this eve and feast with us once more. Cheers,
(Everyone drinks - including Stan. Then everyone falls to
O-ROBE: Now the fun begins
(Stan also drops to
the floor. Kai crouches down to check on him, as do the two robed
O-ROBE: Hmm. Impressive. A truly thoroughbred
(He holds something under Stan's nose, which wakes him
P-ROBE: I told you, not to drink the mead
(The robed men laugh, and walk to the stage. Stan gets
STAN: What's going on here? Who are you guys?
O-ROBE: I am
the reason this feast happens at all
STAN: You're Morgrath?
STAN: (to the other man) You're Morgrath?
O-ROBE: No. There is
no Mograth. They merely started calling me that twelve centuries ago, we're not
STAN: So who, what are you?
P-ROBE: This -
removes the other mans robe. Underneath he is wearing a long blue tunic and
P-ROBE: - is Oberon, king of the
(He pushes up Oberon's frilled collar)
- well, I am Puck
(Puck is wearing rather camp orange crop top and
PUCK: The king's (cough)
OBERON: What was that?
PUCK: What was what?
king's, hmm, manservant
PUCK: Just a little cough, my king. An innocent
(The person in the sack starts
VOICE: Let me out! Let me out!
over to the sack, his brace at the ready. Puck stops him)
Dark Man, no
OBERON: What did you stop him for, idiot?
PUCK: I'm sorry my
king, it's only a matter of hours before you're finally free
STAN: Free from
(The sack opens. Inside is a very short man, in very bad drag -
blonde wig, pearls, pink flowery dress - and stubble)
can't wait either. I want to find myself a real man
OBERON: My soon-to-be
TITANIA: Oh - what a foxy Dark Man. He's the best I've ever
(Titania leaps up onto Kai, kisses him, and wiggles her tongue
at him, before he takes her arms off his neck and puts her
STAN: Look, I don't know what the hell is going on here, but
we were sent by Uther -
OBERON: - de Glastonbury, my most trusted knight. He
searched the Earth for you. Never has a man responded so valiantly to his
STAN: He told us that there was somebody here who could raise the
TITANIA: Well, he hasn't made the dead rise for me in nigh on two
centuries, if you know what I mean
OBERON: Silence, woman! That is correct,
Red Fool. I am entrusted with that ability from time to time. Take me to your
(Oberon kneels by Xev, strokes her face)
Well - isn't she something special? Kindest of faces. Softest of skin. Hmm
(kisses her) There - done
(He walks away. A green light
sweeps over Xev's skin, and she suddenly comes back to life)
(Stan kneels by her, Kai leans over her)
Xev. Xev, you're alive. I thought we'd lost - oh, we're so glad you're
XEV:(dazed) Where are we?
KAI: We're on the Earth, at
XEV: Uther - he was killed by Vlad
KAI: Vlad is no more.
Stanley killed her
(Xev looks at Stan, who nods)
After she killed me
KAI: Yes. You were dead. We brought you here to bring you
back to life
STAN: We? Hey, less of the "we" stuff, OK?
helps Xev up onto her feet)
STAN: Kai was gonna give up on you, but
not captain Stan
XEV: Thanks. I'm glad to see you both
PUCK: What a
touching, beautiful scene. I actually think I'm going to cry
listen, we gotta thank you guys, we don't know what we woulda done without you,
and we really appreciate it, but we got Xev back now, and so we're just gonna
OBERON: Your gratitude is unnecessary. You have nothing, and you are going
OBERON: The one you call Xev shall be my bride
STAN: (laughs) Kinda greedy in the wife department there,
aren't you pal? You got a bearded one over there
TITANIA: She is my
OBERON: Pipe down, whore!
OBERON: And you, Dark Man, will join my chorus and rejoice in
KAI: The dead do not rejoice
OBERON: We shall see. And what
shall we do with the little Red Fool? (tickles Stan's chin) Perhaps he
will be my lap dog for fifteen hundred years
(Stan leads Xev away.
Kai steps in front of Oberon)
KAI: This is a type 13 planet in the
final stage of its cycle. It does not have fifteen years left, let alone fifteen
hundred. We will leave this place
OBERON: You will do exactly as I tell you
to do, Dark Man. You belong to me now
KAI: If you do not allow us to pass, I
will kill you
OBERON: Really? Kill, you say? I'm intrigued. Are you
PUCK: Fascinated, my king
OBERON: Well - let's see what
you've got, Dark Man. I will not allow you to pass
(Kai gets out his
brace - which instantly turns into a small parrot, and hops onto Oberon's
OBERON: Oh, little sweetie, and what's your name? Little
Tweetie! What do you think, Little Tweetie? Do you think I should let the Dark
Man and his friends escape even after they tried to kill me, which wasn't very
nice now, was it?(listens to bird) What's that you say? Well, since you
asked so very nicely, I suppose I will
(He raises the hand with the
bird on it up out of sight, then lowers it - he's now holding a large
OBERON: I will give you until the sands of time run dry
to leave my forest, or else serve me forever in my kingdom. Is that fair,
PUCK: More than fair, my king
OBERON: More than fair. You're free to
(Kai walks away. Stan lifts the tent flap and they step outside -
into a vast singing, dancing forest. The moon in the sky has a
STAN: Boy, the trees in England sure grow fast
trees are singing, to the tune of Row, row, row your boat)
Kai, Kai, sing with us!
Kai, Kai, sing with us, join us in our
(Kai walks closer to the trees. Stan and Xev try to follow, but
branches move to block their way)
XEV: Trees do not normally do
that, do they?
STAN: No, and that's not all they don't normally
(Kai has now started dancing with the trees)
Kai, Kai, sing with us, join us in our song
XEV: Kai, you're dancing
I am aware of that. I seem to enjoy it
XEV: The dead do not enjoy
KAI: Under normal circumstances I would agree with you
STAN: It's Oberon
TREES: Kai, Kai, sing with us, join us in our
(Kai does a twirl. Stan and Xev go back into the marquee. The
druids have all disappeared. A big tree has grown in the centre, and Puck,
Oberon and Titania are sitting in it)
XEV: What have you done to
OBERON: He is fulfilling his destiny. He has joined my chorus, as every
dark man must. His empty black soul has been filled with the purest of love and
joy - for me
XEV: Set him free - now
OBERON: You can be a bit more
persuasive then that, Dead One
XEV: I'm not dead anymore
because I choose for you not to be so
(A mobile phone rings on a log
nearby. Stan answers it)
STAN: 790? 790, can you hear me?
Hello sir, can I help you?
STAN: Oh, thank you thank you thank you! Listen,
my name is Stanley H Tweedle, I'm captain of the Lexx, OK? Now there's some guy
named Oberon calling himself king of the fairies has taken us prisoner in some
woods, OK? Now somebody's gotta come and rescue us because Kai's out there, he's
dancing with some singing trees, and they're gonna make me into some kind of a
dog, and they're gonna make Xev marry Oberon
TITANIA: (on the phone)
Well, that doesn't sound so bad to me
STAN: What, are you crazy?!
No, the sooner Xev marries Oberon the better. Then I no longer have to put up
with his stupid pigging face any longer
(Stan turns and looks at
OBERON: Oh, shut up, wench! You're no flaming oil painting.
Imagine, waking up every morning for 1500 years to that hairy yak
Drunk old clown!
OBERON: Of course I'm a drunk, I've been married to you for
fifteen centuries, it's enough to turn anybody to drink!
hangs up her phone, and moves lower down the tree)
petal - you must be petrified
TITANIA: Well, you're about to wed
this beast of a man
XEV: I will not marry you
Temper, temper, my - king. Think of the meadow. Think of the meadow, of all the
little bunny rabbits (mimes bunny ears) Remember the bunny
OBERON: I like bunny rabbits (smiles) I like them a lot
more than I like her
TITANIA: They don't like you. They told me so
You don't speak bunny
TITANIA: (smugly) I took classes. There's lots
of things about me you don't know, and you never will
OBERON: Good. I don't
want to either
My highnesses, we are so close to the time of parting, could we please not just
(A sulky silence. Oberon has another drink)
Good. Now - I shall prepare the bride for her duties
TITANIA: King of the
fairies. No-one believes in fairies any longer. A fine job you're
(Puck takes Xev to the other end of the marquee. Stan
XEV: I will not marry that man!
PUCK: You don't have a
choice. The best thing you can do is just go along with it
XEV: What if I
PUCK: He will make your friends suffer - and he'll make you suffer
XEV: I won't do it
PUCK: You know, it really isn't all that
XEV: How do you know? Have you been a queen?
PUCK: Chance would be a
XEV: Why me? I mean, what does he want with me? I'm hardly like
Titania at all
PUCK: You're the chosen one
(Oberon and Titania have started bickering
OBERON: You, are a fat, smelly, hairy, ugly, ungrateful,
worthless, boring, clumsy, pathetic excuse for a disease-ridden bastard son of
an inbred whore, and her festering brainless brother-in-law! And you want to
know why I married you? It was because I was drunk. Drunk!!
OBERON: Isn't that right, Puck?
PUCK: Whatever you say, my
TITANIA: I don't know how you can say that!
OBERON: It's easy. I just
move my mouth around
TITANIA: How you can live with yourself -
It's a damn sight easier than living with you!
TITANIA: You can be so
OBERON: Yes, I can. And I can say whatever I want because I'm the
bloody king!! Right, that's it. I've had enough. It's over. This marriage is
(Oberon pulls a ring from Titania's finger. Puck tries to calm
him down. Stan and Xev go back out into the forest. Kai is now rooted to the
ground, waving his branches in the air)
KAI: O, O, Oberon, happy are
Dark men whose days shall end, singing praise to you!
Kai, look - we gotta get you outta here
KAI: I appreciate the gesture,
Stanley, but it is not necessary
STAN: What, you want to be a tree?!
I do not want to be a tree - I am a tree
(Kai smiles happily, and
carries on singing with the trees)
KAI: Dark men whose days shall
end, singing praise to you!
O, O, Oberon, fa la la la la
Praise unto the
forest king, and Titania!
XEV: Kai, we have to go
KAI: I understand that,
Xev. I will remain here
XEV: We won't leave you
STAN: Come on, Kai, snap
out of it
(Puck joins them)
PUCK: He doesn't want to
leave, he's quite happy. Aren't you, Dark Man?
KAI: Yes - very happy!
PUCK: As will you all be. You have my word. There's no
TREES: O, O, Oberon, tra la la la la
Good old Oberon, proud
O, O, Oberon, dancing in the fields
Tra la la la la la la -
(They all go back inside. The sand is running out. Puck gets back
into the tree behind Oberon, and starts massaging his shoulders. Xev comforts
XEV: Oh, there there, don't cry (to Oberon) You
made her cry, you big bully! look at what state she's in
OBERON: She's no
longer my wife - and you must learn to respect me, as she never did. Stop
TITANIA: I miss the good times
OBERON: Good times? What
good times, there were none!
TITANIA: There were some - weren't
XEV: (to Oberon) Were there?
OBERON: Perhaps, one or two -
but that was a very long time ago, and we must look forward, not back. And
besides - you're my bride now
(Titania gets down from the
OBERON: It is the way it is, as it has been since
before time began. Many moons ago, I was king of more than just the forest - the
planet was mine. The bond between the human world and the fairy world was
strong. The Druids populated this land, and they held me in high esteem. Oberon
worship wasn't annual, it was hourly, it was constant. They were my subjects - I
was their king. My followers have been reduced from being the proud leaders of
strong nations, to - the smelly kid at school with the bad hair cut
feast gets worse and worse - look at it now. They pay to get in, and use it as
an excuse to meet other losers and drink cheap mead
OBERON: Well, it's not
even proper mead
(He empties his cup onto the ground, hands it to
OBERON: They just mix twelve crates of lager with a drum of
golden syrup. I dread to think where the next feast will transpire, if it
transpires at all (to Xev) I'm a good man. I humbly request your hand
STAN: Nice sob story pal, but I don't see anybody here crying
into their hankies. Come on Xev, let's get outta here
XEV: Now, what is it
like, to be a queen?
OBERON: Come - I shall show thee
Xev's hand. Puck sprays fairy dust at them - and Oberon and Xev dance into an
impossibly bright sunny meadow. The sun is smiling over a huge castle, the birds
are singing, sunflowers all around. Oberon's robes are now white and grey. Xev
is wearing a long white dress, with pink frilly collar and
XEV: What's that?
OBERON: That is our castle, and below
it, our kingdom
XEV: It's all so beautiful, so - magic
OBERON: If you
marry me, you will rule by my side for 1500 years, and then live on for eternity
as a beautiful flower in my kingdom
XEV: You've enchanted me, my king - but I
detect a sorrow. Do you not love me?
OBERON: Of course I do. You're beautiful
- and you have large breasts. I want to do naughty things with you
- then you'll have to catch me
(In the real world, they chase each
other around, laughing. Puck sits down next to Stan)
love. Takes you back, hmm?
STAN: Hmm - no, not really
PUCK: Don't be such
STAN: This is crazy. How can she marry that guy, she can't marry that
PUCK: Why not?
STAN: Well, because it's, it's - it's - it's just
PUCK: Look - to be honest with you, I agree. I mean - she's not
exactly his type
STAN: What, are you kidding? I mean, look at her, how can
she not be somebody's type. I mean, if she's not his type, who
(Puck looks over at Titania)
STAN: But - I thought he
said he married her because he was drunk
PUCK: Those wretched Romans used to
say that in drink, there was truth
STAN: You mean he's the kinda guy that
likes other guys, he's, he's -
PUCK: Let's just say he's king of all the
fairies and leave it at that, hmm?
(Stan watches Oberon chase
PUCK: Uh huh
(Back in the meadow, Xev
and Oberon are still playing)
XEV: Are you a real king?
(Xev sits on a log, her arms outstretched)
(Oberon trips over the log. Xev laughs. He puts his crown
back on, gets up)
XEV: What will happen to this place when your
planet is destroyed?
OBERON: Even I do not have the power to destroy a
XEV: Some do. And it will happen - soon. Will it affect this
(Oberon lies down, his head on Xev's lap)
I do not know. Perhaps this will be my last marriage, the one that will last for
XEV: I will marry you
(He sits up, kisses her
OBERON: You will?
XEV: Yes - but I have
OBERON: What are these?
XEV: You have to free Kai and
OBERON: I see. Is that all?
XEV: No. You have to be nice to
(Thunder. The sky darkens)
OBERON: I have to be
nice to no-one
XEV: Then you don't get to marry me
OBERON: Then I will not
(He takes her hand - and they are back in the marquee,
wearing their normal clothes)
OBERON: A bride with no respect! That
hairy beast deserves everything she gets. You know nothing of it. You know
nothing of the centuries of hell that I've had to endure. As for your precious
friends, I shall not release them or you, because I don't bloody have
PUCK: Because you're the king?
OBERON: Yes, because I'm the bloody
(Xev walks away from him, over to Titania)
Yes my king, but the sands run quickly through the hourglass - perhaps you
should reconsider. Without a queen, you will no longer be a king - you have to
marry somebody tonight, be it Xev, or Titania again
OBERON: No Puck, I don't.
I can marry whoever I like - be it her, her - or him
at Stan, who has not been paying attention)
STAN: What, he's letting us go?
PUCK: You are being offered the
opportunity of a lifetime, Red Fool, the chance to be a real legitimate fairy
STAN: Queen?! No no, see - no, I don't want to be the queen, OK? I'm
happy being the Red Fool
(Oberon pulls Stan away. Puck uses his fairy
(Xev rushes outside. Kai has now become a tree, with just his
face sticking out of the trunk)
XEV: Kai. Kai please, we must return
to the Lexx. We're all we have, and we at least have some sort of life
(But Kai just smiles at her. Xev puts her hands up to his face,
and resorts to song)
XEV: Kai, Kai, Kai we must, get away from
If we don't we will be stuck, for a thousand years
KAI: Xev, Xev of
B3K, join us in our song
After all a thousand years, isn't very
(Kai hugs her with his branches. Puck
PUCK: You should join in
XEV: Thanks, but I don't wanna
be a tree. Neither does he, he's just being manipulated
Well, we're all being manipulated Xev - the trick, is to make it work for
XEV: I will not be a tree. Neither will Kai, and Stanley Tweedle is not
gonna marry that man
PUCK: (laughs) Who's gonna stop him?
PUCK: I can't allow that
(He sprays Xev with fairy dust - and
she turns into a tree beside Kai)
XEV: Praise unto the forest king,
O, O, Oberon, all the bells will ring
Stanley Tweedle shall
be wed, to the forest king!
O, O, Oberon, all the bells will ring
Tweedle shall be wed, to the forest king!
her branches happily)
(Meanwhile, Stan and Oberon are dancing in the
meadow. Everything is the same as before - Stan is even wearing the same
OBERON: Welcome to my paradise, Stanley
STAN: Wow, this -
OBERON: I know
STAN: What's that?
OBERON: That is our
castle, and below it, our kingdom
STAN: Oh, it's, it's - it's
OBERON: If you marry me, you will rule by my side for 1500 years and
then live on for an eternity as a beautiful flower in my kingdom
I, I can't say that all this doesn't look tempting
OBERON: Good. It will be a
STAN: Blissful - whoa! You're not saying that there's gonna
be any naughty business in this marriage, are ya?
OBERON: Oh yes. Lots and
lots of wonderfully naughty business
(He kisses Stan's cheek - Stan
STAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa, fairy king!
OBERON: What is it,
STAN: Well you see, it's just that this may be just a little bit
more than I might wanna get into, you see. You know, your flowers, your castle,
your kingdom, all that, that's just fine you see, but, ah, the kissing, the
naughty business - that's just not me. You see (all macho) Stanley H
Tweedle goes in the front door, or he does not go to the party, you know what I
(Oberon puts his arm around Stan's
OBERON: Oh, well, that's OK for you, but my portal of
preference sometimes is - the back door
(Stan pushes him
OBERON: So you don't want my ring on your finger?
OBERON: So be it
OBERON: That's the way it is
OK, well, glad to see you're taking it so well
OBERON: That's absolutely
(They dance back into the marquee)
STAN: OK then,
glad to see you're taking it like a good sport - you're a pretty good dancer
(Stan walks to Puck and Titania)
STAN: Hey, where's
PUCK: Ah, well, she -
(Behind Stan, Oberon transforms
himself into Xev)
O-XEV: I'm right here
STAN: Ah. Where'd that
king guy go?
O-XEV: He went - away
STAN: Oh. Yeah? So, er - you're not
getting married, huh?
O-XEV: Yes - but not to the king
STAN: To who? To
Kai, he's a tree (laughs)
O-XEV: Not to Kai - to you (she puts
her hands on his shoulders) - if you'll have me
STAN: Yeah yeah, right,
(He shrugs her off, walks away)
O-XEV: I know it's a
bit sudden Stan, but maybe this is our only chance to live on forever together.
Give me your hand in marriage
STAN: How come, after more than four thousand
years of you turning me down - every single time - you suddenly want to marry
O-XEV: I know! It doesn't make any sense
STAN: It's crazy
maybe it's completely sane, but - I also think it's our only hope to get out of
here. Marry me - tonight
STAN: Just a question before I say yes - is there
gonna be any sex in this marriage?
O-XEV: Absolutely. Lots of hot and naughty
newlywed sex, I promise
STAN: Well, OK then. So, you're really sure about
STAN: The newlywed sex?
O-XEV: All you
STAN: All I want. Hmm - it's a lot. Er - OK then. Let's do
(Titania and Puck are watching all this)
What's he doing with that Red Fool?
PUCK: Marrying it
TITANIA: Over my
(Oberon/Xev leans Stan back to kiss him, then
PUCK: Come my queen. Let us go and get some
TITANIA: I don't want to go!
PUCK: Leave these lovebirds to
(He picks Titania up and carries her
O-XEV: I should go and get myself ready - for our
(Oberon/Xev strokes Stan's face, and walks
STAN: Don't be long!
O-XEV: I won't
- he can't believe his luck)
(Outside, Titania is crying near Xev and
XEV: Don't cry!
TITANIA: Oh, what has he done to you poor,
KAI: You are not happy. Join our chorus - it will make you
XEV: Yes - sing our joyous song with us!
I wish I could, but I can't. I'm a past queen. My future is set
XEV: What is
TITANIA: I will become a flower in Oberon's meadow
That is so romantic!
TITANIA: But I don't want to be a flower. I want to be -
KAI: Well then you must do something
XEV: Yes. Kai is right. You
must do something
TITANIA: Oh, you're right. I must do something - and I
will. No-one knows Oberon's devious little mind like his
(Inside the marquee, Puck is helping Stan into the white
dress, puts on the crown)
STAN: Why can't I just wear my own
PUCK: It's an ancient tradition, darling - and I must say, it suits
(Stan pulls at the sleeves. Puck turns him round,
zips up the dress, and pats his bottom)
STAN: Hey hey hey! I warned
you about that
PUCK: My hand slipped - again!
sneaks in and takes Puck's fairy dust spray from his pouch)
How do you feel?
STAN: Well, I feel kinda - I don't know - pretty?
Are you comfortable walking in high heels?
STAN: I'm proud to say no
You should practice
(He pats Stan's bottom again)
(He holds up a finger, then tries walking - without much
(Outside, Titania uses the fairy dust to transform Xev and Kai
into wedding dress Stans)
X-STAN: What have you done to us? Kai? Is
TITANIA: You said you'd help if you could. I need
you both to act as Stan
K-STAN: The dead do not act
TITANIA: If the dead
want to get out of here, the dead are going to have to learn. You'll be fine,
but just remember - don't act it, be it
K-STAN: Be it
(She transforms her clothes into a wedding
TITANIA: Let's go - we haven't got much time
sand is trickling quickly through the hourglass. Puck is still fiddling with
Stan's dress, when he sees two more Stans come in with Titania. He taps Stan on
PUCK: Have you got brothers?
STAN: What - huh?!
X-STAN: Stan, it's us
X-STAN: Xev and
STAN: Oh, no no no. No, Xev is outside getting ready, because she wants
to marry me
K-STAN: That is not Xev, that is Oberon
STAN: Well, she looks
a lot more like Xev than any of you
K-STAN: But it is not Xev. This is
STAN: Oh yeah? Well how am I supposed to believe that you're the real
X-STAN: Ask me to marry you
STAN: OK - will you marry me?
Absolutely not. I never have and I never will feel that way about you, not if
you were the last man in the two universes
STAN: Yeah, well, that certainly
sounds a lot like Xev
X-STAN: Yeah well trust me Stan, or you'll marry Oberon
and you'll be stuck here forever
PUCK: Don't listen to them Stan, this - this
is Oberon, trying to trick you out of the marriage with Xev. Trust only your
(She sprays him with fairy dust -
now he looks like Stan as well)
K-STAN: Stanley, do not trust your
X-STAN: Yeah Stan, that's a bad idea
STAN: OK, look, just, just,
just wait a second, OK? Look, I just gotta think for a second, OK. Now you see,
on the one hand I could have some red hot sex with Xev for a while, or on the
other hand, I could have an eternity of naughty sex, with a big ugly guy. Ooo -
think Stan the man's starting to have a certain level of discomfort
(Oberon/Xev returns, in the white dress with a red
O-XEV: What is this? I demand to know what this
(He looks at four Stans and a Titania)
O-XEV: Who is
(Puck puts his hand up)
P-STAN: I am, your
X-STAN: No - I am, my king
K-STAN: I believe that I am, my
O-XEV: Who is doing this? Titania, is that you?
smiles, but says nothing)
O-XEV: Who's in whose body? No no no, this
is not fair. I demand the real Stanley take a step forward
Stans step forward. One - Puck - puts his hand on his hip)
(He looks at the hourglass, and transforms back into
OBERON: We are running out of time. Such treachery, such
deceit! All right - if that's how it is to be, I accept your challenge. The one
who did not step forward must be Puck
P-STAN: At last!
OBERON: I do not
want to marry Puck, because I am king and he is a mere fairy. I do not want to
marry the Dead One or the Dark Man either. I would like to marry Stanley, but I
do not know which of these three bodies he inhabits. The most important thing is
that I do not marry Titania again. So - I will choose at random from one of
these three, who must be Stanley, Xev and Kai
(He walks up and looks
at them, then grabs the real Stan)
OBERON: You. Wait a minute - I've
missed something. You think I'm a fool, do you?
(He lets go of
OBERON: Titania, I know you. Knowing that you are the last
person I would want, you've disguised your own form, taken someone else's shape
and put poor Stanley in yours. Ha! You can't fool me, bearded
(He grabs Titania's hand, leads her up the tree, sits her on
P-STAN: Um, my king -
OBERON: Silence! Do not try to
alter my decision. Goodbye, Titania. It's been a miserable 1500 years for both
of us. For you, there's a flower in my meadow perhaps - or more likely, a
mushroom on my dung heap with your name on it. For me, the moment has finally
come to be joined in blissful matrimony with a new soul
the ring on Titania's finger. The last grains of sand fall through the
hourglass. Stan and Puck go back to their normal forms)
(And so do Xev and Kai)
looks at Titania, who smiles)
TITANIA: And this time, it's
(Oberon screams, as he and Titania
PUCK: All's well that ends well
(Puck pats his
bottom, blows Stan a kiss, and disappears. A tree trunk on the ground turns back
into Colin. Everything is back to normal again)
COLIN: Oh - good
mead this year. Oh my god, look at the time - we've got to get out of here
before Battersea Council charge us for a second day
(Stan, Xev and
Kai leave the marquee)
COLIN: OK, everybody out, out. Well don't
dawdle, hurry up, yes, goodbye, see you next year. Come along, come
(Outside Battersea Power Station, the druids are all walking
away from the marquee)
MARJ: That's got to be the worst feast of
Morgath I have ever attended - and I've attended a few stinkers, I can tell
COLIN: Yes, I do have to say it was totally lacking in magic. Still, you
know what that means - roll on next year
(The moth flies over their
heads - )
MARJ: What the hell is that?
( - and carries on
up into space)
© Filking Fairy
© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana