Lexx 4.12 Bad Carrot
(written by Jeffrey Hirschfield)
(A camcorder recording - cars pull up outside a store, and ATF
agents rush inside)
AGENT: OK, come on let's go! Move move move! Get
out of the way!
(The agents check out the vegetable stalls, as
customers try to get away)
AGENT: Back off from the vegetables!
Stand back from there. Clear the area. ATF!
(An agent starts poking
at the carrots, with his gun)
AGENT: Step aside. You - move away
from the carrots
AGENT: Looks like we got the all clear here
check that out over there
AGENT: Not very cheap these days, are
AGENT: Head Lettuce, this is Bugs Bunny. Head Lettuce, we have a
negative on the vegetable
(And then a carrot twitches. An agent grabs
AGENT: Hold it - got it!
(The carrot manages to break
free. There is the clanking sound of little metal legs)
AGENT: Back off
AGENT: There, on the floor!
shoots at the carrot - misses, almost hits the produce manager. He falls to the
ground - and the carrot goes up his trousers. An ATF agent tries to get it
MANAGER: Get off! Get it off of me!
watching this recording in his underground bunker. He stops the tape. Agents
wheel in the manager, who is now encased in a metal tube, with just his head
sticking out at the top. An X-ray shows that he has a carrot inside him,
seemingly fused to his body)
(A moth returns to the Lexx. Stan, Xev and
Kai walk onto the bridge)
STAN: Well, that's one experience I don't
ever need to repeat
XEV: Me neither. Dying is a terrible experience for some
KAI: MY death was not a good experience for me at the time
- I want to thank you both, for going down there to bring me back to
STAN: Well, you're our friend Xev - what else could we do?
the slut for the worms to chew on - it's what I would have done
790: Oh Kai - you've come back to me! Take the head in your arms. Squeeze
me! Please me!
KAI: The dead do not squeeze and please
790: There's always
a first time
STAN: Well you know, in spite of seeing you here 790, it's still
good to be back on the Lexx - alive! You know, I for one do not ever want to go
back to Earth again - stupid Type 13 disaster planet. Still, you know - I can't
shake the feeling that we forgot something
790: You did. You forgot to
disembowel yourself - but we can take care of that right now
XEV: I don't
like Earth very much either, but how long can we stay up here on the Lexx
without the key? Wherever it went after Lyekka stole it from you, we have to get
it back or we'll be stuck here forever
STAN: I know, I know, but Lyekka's not
on the Lexx, we've looked - I mean, she could be anywhere, I don't know. But I
do know, that the key is gonna get back into me, where it belongs, and then
we're gonna fly away from this place, forever! But look, enough about that -
captain Stan hasn't eaten for days and days, and I am getting mighty, mighty
XEV: Well, Lyekka could be dead. Vlad could have killed her
Yeah, OK, well where's the body?
XEV: Well, the Lexx absorbs all available
protein, you know that. Oh, we should have loaded up with food before we came
(Stan and Xev head down the passageway off the
790: Stanley, Xev - it will be the pleasure of my life
watching you both slowly starve to death
STAN: Yeah? Well before that, 790,
we're gonna fry that little cube of a brain in that, that tin bucket you call a
head - you know, it won't taste good, but it's gonna feel good!
790: I hate
(The White House. President Priest is at his desk, when Bunny
comes in - dressed as a bunny girl and carrying a cake with a big carrot shaped
BUNNY: Ta da! Happy birthday, Mr President!
thank you my cuddle bunny coochy coo milk skinned delight. Oh, delicious - but
Bunny, it's not my birthday
BUNNY: (upset) Oh. But - I made this
cake just for you, don't you want it?
PRIEST: Oh no no no, of course I want
it. We can pretend it's my birthday
BUNNY: Yay! (laughs) OK, first
you blow out the candle, then I blow out your candle, then I'll give you your
PRIEST: I can't wait
(He holds up the cake, prepares to
PRIEST: 1, 2 -
(And then Prince enters, followed
by Professor Shnoog, scientists, and the unfortunate store manager, still in his
PRINCE: Mr President
the cake, and rushes to kiss Prince's hand)
PRIEST: My prince - er,
PRINCE: We have a crisis
BUNNY: You're telling me! My
(Upset, she flops onto the couch)
PRIEST: A crisis,
I see - what crisis?
PRINCE: Carrots. Very bad carrots
PRIEST: Oh no, I
hate carrots. They play havoc with my bowels - sorry, honey pie sweetie
PRINCE: Not ordinary carrots - killer carrots. They look like your
ordinary everyday garden variety, but they're not
(An aide starts
playing a tape of Xevivor)
PRIEST: Oo - Xevivor! Terrific. I loved
PRINCE: Mr President, shut up
PRIEST: Yes, my prince
Professor Shnoog, if you please
SHNOOG: The 'carrots', which are in fact
highly deadly probes of unknown metal construction, were first discovered on the
Caribbean island of Zig Zig. They wiped out almost everyone during the taping of
the Xevivor television series
PRIEST: You mean that was real? Oo. I thought
that was only a special effects thing that they did to boost ratings
As did we all. Continue, professor
SHNOOG: As you can see, these probes are
highly aggressive. Their sole function appears to be to enter human beings and
use them as a type of host - although for what purpose we can't say. They exert
control over the infected humans by fusing themselves to the spinal cord, thus
gaining control of the host's neurological functions
PRIEST: Er, hold on -
how do they get inside us?
SHNOOG: They, er - they may be able to enter
through various orifices, but they seem to prefer - the back door
SHNOOG: The rectum intestinum
like to burrow into your ass, Mr President
PRINCE: That's what
one did to him
(The manager, who does not look at all
BUNNY: Kind of like that rubber thing I used on you
PRIEST: (laughs nervously) I don't know what you are
talking about, my love
BUNNY: Yeah, you know that little thing, you liked it
- (realises she should shut up now)
PRIEST: And what happens when
they leave their host, or do they -?
SHNOOG: Unknown, although we will be
conducting experiments on this case later, including a thorough post-mortem
(The manager looks very worried by
SHNOOG: We have learned that they exercise varying levels of
control. You see, they seem to be able to possess them outright, turning them
essentially into murderous zombies - the fate suffered in the cases on Zig Zig
Island. Now in such instances, the carrot penetrates with its single eye the
host's forehead, turning him into a mindless slave. We do not know if this
condition is reversible, but as you can see in this case the eye has not been
employed. The victim is fully cogniscent, albeit uncomfortable. Our X-rays show
that the probe integrated itself into his entire nervous system
mean it may be able to hear what you're saying?
SHNOOG: Yes, possibly. It
seems to act as a sort of puppet master - it can control all of the strings all
of the time - or one string at a time, if it so chooses, depending on the
environment - or indeed the threat
PRIEST: Where did these bad carrots come
SHNOOG: Their origin is unclear, but we're fairly convinced that
they're not of this earth
PRIEST: And what do they want?
PRINCE: We don't
know that either Mr President - although it's fairly certain that they're not
here to grace our salads. To make matters worse, the probes have been turning up
here and there throughout the globe
(Shnoog puts a map on the
PRINCE: Confirmed infestations are marked in red on this
PRIEST: They're everywhere!
PRINCE: That they are, Mr President.
(to Shnoog) How can you tell if someone has one in him?
Sometimes it's easy to tell, and sometimes it isn't. I mean, you might have one
inside you right now, but I wouldn't know. Or the President could, or I could
myself, I suppose - I might have one today, and not tomorrow, it's very
difficult. They're very clever little vegetables
PRIEST: My prince
(whispers) don't you think it's best that we part ways with this
infected planet before it is perhaps too late?
PRINCE: My thoughts exactly -
(Bunny looks at the manager - something is moving under his
BUNNY: Hey you - stop it! Tell him to stop looking at me like
PRIEST: Who do you mean?
(A third eye
appears on the manager's forehead. Everyone screams. Then the carrot leaps out
onto the desk, and everyone runs for cover. The carrot flies around the room,
ATF agents shoot wildly. Bunny dives behind the couch with Priest, who screams.
Prince covers his butt with a cushion, then runs out of the office, with Priest,
Bunny and Shnoog. Prince locks the door behind him. There are
PRINCE: Thank you for your service to your country. Your
medals are in the mail
(On the Lexx, everyone is in the
STAN: I am getting really really hungry here, in a serious
XEV: So am I
790: Why don't you two cannibalise each other? That would
STAN: And why don't you just short circuit your big ugly
790: Only Kai can do that (kisses)
KAI: I will retire to
cryostasis to preserve my protoblood (he leaves)
XEV: Stan, this is
silly. Why don't we just get in a moth, go back to Earth and get some food
STAN: Oh, no no no no no. No way, I'm not going back there. I mean,
there's gotta be some way that we can make food here - come on, Lexx, just help
us out, willl ya?! Just a little food, that's all, just a little
(An escort accompanies the President's car. Priest is in the
back, eating some fried chicken, Bunny is beside him. Prince is in front next to
the chauffeur, talking to someone on his mobile)
yes... Well, keep me posted (puts phone away) The carrot has not been
BUNNY: Is it still in the Oval Office?
PRINCE: Possibly, or it
may have escaped, or -
PRINCE: As a precaution, I had those
aides that I locked in the Oval Office vivisected, to see if the carrot was
inside one of them. It was not. Therefore the possibility exists that the carrot
is inside one of us, lying in wait
BUNNY: Well, it's not in me
PRINCE: Nor me. I guess we're all right then
(Bunny tries to
take a piece of chicken - Priest won't let her, so she just leans her head on
his shoulder. They head for the space shuttle, where Shnoog, wearing a hard hat,
has set up some sort of carrot screening system. Bunny walks into
(Bunny walks through. Priest goes to
follow, but Prince pulls him back, and goes first)
PRIEST: Why go to
the Lexx? Stanley Tweedle doesn't even have the key anymore
Stanley Tweedle has the key or not, I do not know, but I do know that it is on
PRIEST: How do you know?
PRINCE: Because I'm head of the ATF. If
anyone had it on Earth I would have found it by now
PRIEST: Of course, my
(Priest steps forward to be
PRIEST: That's a relief
all clean folks. No carrots up your botties
(The shuttle takes off -
and Shnoog takes off his hard hat, to reveal a third eye)
(The Lexx. Stan
and Xev are massaging the feeding nozzles in the galley)
no use, Stan - my hand is getting numb
STAN: Oh come on Xev, just a little
longer - you're a love slave, you got the touch
XEV: It's not
STAN: But it's gotta work. I mean - listen, it's getting close! Come
on, pump it, pump it!
(Xev stops, stands up)
XEV: No! I'm
done. Face it Stan, if we want food we have to go back to Earth
That's not necessary, we have plenty of food
(Prince has arrived in
the galley, along with Priest and Bunny)
Stanley. Xev. You remember President Priest and First Lady Bunny
BUNNY: Hi! (they wave)
XEV: Sure we do. What do you
PRINCE: We were in the neighbourhood and we decided to drop by for a
XEV: Lovely. Thanks for the food. Goodbye
STAN: Yeah, thanks for
coming, now go!
PRINCE: Now now, that's no way to speak to your dinner
XEV: Guests? I don't remember inviting you
we're here - and just in time, it seems. Having a little trouble with our food
supply, are we?
STAN: Yeah, well you see, um -
XEV: See, the Lexx hasn't
eaten in a while, and so it can't make food for us
PRINCE: Well, why don't
you take the Lexx to Earth for a nice meal?
STAN: Yeah well you see we got a
problem there, which is -
XEV: (quickly, walks up to Prince) Which
is that we don't want the Lexx attracting any kind of attention from people down
there, so we're planning around it basically
PRINCE: Indeed. Wise. But, tell
me Stanley - you did get the key back from the porn star who stole it from you,
what was her name?
STAN: Lyekka - oh, well LooLoo actually. Yeah, well, you
see what happened there was -
XEV: Perhaps he doesn't need to
(She puts her arm around Stan's shoulder, tries to hint for him
to stop talking)
STAN: See, what happened there was, I turned on the
old Tweedle charm and I brought her to the height, I mean the very peak of
sexual ecstasy, and then the key flowed out of her back into me - she was
satisfied, so she left
PRINCE: Excellent. Because as it happens, the Earth
now has a slight little alien problem. And as far as I'm concerned this is as
good a time as any for all of us to disappear into the great unknown of
XEV: Us all?
PRINCE: Absolutely. It's always been part of the
agreement, that I would be a passenger onboard the Lexx once it resumed its
STAN: You know, I had an agreement too, with First Lady Bunny, to
have a romp in the sack - on a couple of occasions - and that didn't work out
PRINCE: Well, maybe we can make it work out this time
That's my wife you're talking about!
(Prince gives him a
PRIEST: But, you know, whatever
XEV: Tell us about this
tiny little alien problem you've got there on Earth
PRINCE: Well, why don't
we discuss that over dinner?
STAN: Oh yes, food!
(Everyone looks at Priest)
PRIEST: I'm awfully
hungry from the trip
XEV: I'm gonna wake up Kai, just to be on the safe
BUNNY: Um - is there a washroom here
STAN: Oh yeah
(Stan leads Bunny and Priest to the toilet. He taps the
rim, making the tongue flick out. Bunny and Priest look down at it in
BUNNY: You're kidding, right?
STAN: No no, once you
get used to it the experience can be quite, er - stimulating. Gets right up
there, you know?
PRIEST: Right up there?(he farts) Whoops!
BUNNY: Will you stay with me while I go?
PRIEST: If it will make you
taste better - I mean, feel better, darling honey licky bit
STAN: Yeah, well
I'll just leave you two alone, OK. I'll be at the feast
(Stan leaves. Priest helps Bunny sit down gingerly on the
(Later. Everyone is on the bridge, enjoying the
PRINCE: So, Stanley - tell me about the bad carrots that you
encountered on Zig Zig Island
STAN: What, you mean those little robot things?
They almost killed us, they're completely evil!
PRINCE: They are a serious
problem, and they appear to have spread
spreads some food on Bunny, licks it off)
BUNNY: Oh, you -
(Prince gets up onto the pedestal)
PRINCE: Probes have
been found in many locations - too many. Our projections indicate a rather
overwhelming infestation before long, which is something that the poor
unfortunates on the planet can hardly savour
licks more food off Bunny, who giggles)
PRINCE: So it appears to me
that our best option is to go
(He gets down from the pedestal)
PRINCE: The only question is - where?
XEV: I'd say there's two
questions - where to go, and who should go
PRINCE: The latter part of that
question has already been settled
XEV: Not with me
PRINCE: We have a
STAN: Hey, when has one of your deals ever helped us?
XEV: We've made
deals with you before, and they've all gone sour - because you're evil
(smiles sweetly) So you can offer us whatever deal you want - we won't
(He squirts cream on Bunny, licks
BUNNY: Ow, ow!
PRINCE: I'm not so terrible,
(Prince sits beside Xev, who is sitting cross legged on the
PRINCE: I have different ambitions from you, it's true. But,
as a member of the crew of the Lexx (pats her leg) I promise to behave
(Xev offers him a tomato)
PRINCE: No. Anyway - you
can always have Kai to protect you. He can kill me, if I step out of
(Prince gets up, walks over to Kai)
KAI: You were
killed many times on the planet Fire. Each time, you quickly returned to life.
Why do you fear the probes, if you are immortal as you claim to have been in the
PRINCE: I was immortal on the planet Fire, yes, but now I will admit to
being more uncertain about my status
(Kai gets his brace
KAI: That question can be settled this instant
wait a second, wait a second there - before we do anything, I wanna know what
those carrots are doing on Earth, I mean - what do they want?
KAI: 790 knows,
don't you 790?
790: Of course I do
KAI: You will tell them
(sigh) Anything for you. The probes are actually a first scouting wave
of robot drones sent by an alien species to taste test various things on Earth -
particularly human beings. They are studying the planet to see what is worth
eating and what dishes go with what - presumably in preparation for the feast
planned when the real aliens arrive to devour the planet
PRIEST: How do you
790: None of your business, pig face!
KAI: Tell them
have intercepted thousands of transmissions between the probes and the alien
PRINCE: Do you know where this mother ship is located?
is very far away in deep space, but yes, I suppose I could locate it - if I
really wanted to
PRINCE: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's just take the
Lexx and destroy it
(Prince pulls Stan up to his
STAN: No, wait a second, wait a second, see - it's not that
easy, you know, because the Lexx hasn't eaten in a while, so -
XEV: So it
would have to eat a lot - a whole country at least, to make a trip like
STAN: Yeah yeah yeah, see, and then it has to digest the chunks, you
know, and that could take forever
PRINCE: No matter
(He takes his
mobile out, dials a number)
PRINCE: Mr President?
kisses his hand)
PRIEST: Yes my prince?
PRINCE: You must contact
the Pentagon and authorise Operation Hard Encounter
PRIEST: Oo - you mean
PRIEST: (farts) Whoops! Sorry. Can't it
wait until after dinner?
PRIEST: OF course my prince, of
(Prince hands the phone to Priest)
General Pootydude here
PRIEST: Ah, good evening General, this is the
President. How are you?
GENERAL: Fine, Mr President
PRIEST: The wife and
GENERAL: Fine sir
PRIEST: The cat, dog?
PRIEST: You keep parakeets, don't you? Are they well? They say there is
a terrible bird virus going around -
PRINCE: Mr President -
yes(fart) Whoops, sorry, sorry again. General, it seems we
(fart) have a problem - well, I wouldn't call it a problem, more of a
nuisance really(fart) not even, um, oh what's the word I'm looking for
(fart) vexation(fart) itch, what about -
PRIEST: Sorry(fart) Um, General, I'm ordering you to
prepare and launch (fart) the international space mission, name code
Operation (fart) Operation (fart) -
PRIEST: Oh yes, Hard(fart) Encounter. Your team is to
intercept the alien space vessel (fart) approaching the Earth and, um,
to destroy it with extreme (fart) extremeness
GENERAL: Affirmative sir. Operation Hard Encounter will be
underway within six hours
PRIEST: Oh, that soon? Well then, take care of
everything and make sure that everything is all right and tested and safe before
you go, and -
(Prince takes the phone away from
PRINCE: Cheerie bye
PRIEST: That takes care of that. I am
STAN: Yeah, me too. If you're onboard in the morning, let's talk
about fixing up First Lady Bunny with first man Stan
XEV: I'll show you where
you can sleep - actually I'm a bit tired myself. Kai, would you please keep an
eye on Prince?
KAI: I will
(Stan, Xev, Priest and Bunny leave the
PRINCE: Goodnight to all. Tell me, do you play chess, dead
KAI: What is chess?
PRINCE: A struggle between kings. A game of
strategies and counter strategies, in which it is sometimes necessary to
sacrifice lesser participants - rather like life, actually
KAI: It sounds
similar to a game I enjoyed on Brunnis 2, when I was alive
PRINCE: I'll teach
(Bunny is sleeping on a makeshift bed. Priest licks at her face
mask, then farts, and clutches his bottom. He takes a mirror out of Bunny's
handbag, and sees that he has a third eye. He makes a zombie moaning noise, and
puts on an ATF cap to hide the eye. He gets up, farting)
(Xev is asleep
in her bedchamber. Priest comes in, squirts something green on her belly and
licks it off. She wakes up and pushes him away)
XEV: What do you
think you're doing?
(Bunny walks into Xev's
BUNNY: What do you think you're doing?!
BUNNY: Get away from my husband.
(She jumps onto Xev)
BUNNY: I know you want him -
XEV: No, Bunny
(Bunny punches Xev - not very
XEV: Bunny, stop it. Bunny, you've got it all
(Priest runs away, farting and moaning)
BUNNY: He's mine. Aaaaaall mine!
XEV: Bunny, stop it!
(Xev grabs hold of Bunny, pushes her back)
Listen to me - your husband came into my room and started licking my stomach
while I was asleep. He probably has one of those things inside
(Priest, farting, staggers to the toilet and sits
(Xev and Bunny run through passages, shouting)
BUNNY: Mr President! Mr President!
(Kai and Prince are
sitting by a chessboard on the bridge. They hear the shouts, and get
XEV: Kai! I need you!
BUNNY: And I need my husband
(Everyone meets up in a passageway)
XEV: The President has a carrot - he's infected
all rush to the toilet, where Priest is screaming as the carrot leaves him. They
find him on the floor)
KAI: He is still
XEV: Is the carrot still inside him?
KAI: I do not know, though I
PRINCE: Then let's get him up
BUNNY: He always
responds well to oral stimulation
STAN: Yeah. Me too
bridge. 790 is alone - until a carrot jumps off the pedestal)
Who's there? Uh oh
(790 wheels around the bridge. The carrot chases
790: Listen to me, carrot - I'm not the enemy here. We
can work together
(But the carrot just squeals and chases after
790: Oh, have it your way (stops, turns) This is
(790 makes a weird moaning sound. The carrot stops,
790: Yes. Yes, that's much better. Stop and listen for a
(790 howls, the carrot chirps)
790: See? We can
both get what we want once we start communicating
consciousness. Bunny is cuddling him)
PRIEST: Where - where am
KAI: You are on the Lexx
PRIEST: The Lexx, how? But I was just in the
Oval Office being briefed about killer carrot probes and then -
it looks like while you were in the Oval Office, something got into your Oval
BUNNY: How do you feel, my love?
PRIEST: Oh, dizzy, weak -
BUNNY: Quick! Massage my breasts, you'll feel better
pulls his hand onto her breast)
PRINCE: There's no time for that.
There's a vegetable loose on this ship, we have to find it and destroy
STAN: No argument here
XEV: But it's one tiny little vegetable inside a
huge giant ship - where do we start?
(They all go onto the
790: Of course I wasn't aware there was a carrot probe
onboard until it gave off an electronic signal while vacating the President. At
that point I was able to lock on to its frequency and eavesdrop on its
transmission to the mother ship. The mother ship instructed the probe to eject
itself from the Lexx and return to Earth. It was told there was no more useful
culinary data to collect, and that the danger in staying was too great. The
probe launched itself into space 12 minutes 24 seconds ago
gets out his phone and contacts the Pentagon)
GENERAL: Pootydude -
PRINCE: General Pootydude, it's Isambard Prince. How are things
progressing with Operation Hard Encounter?
GENERAL: Ahead of schedule, sir.
The mission was launched 30 minutes ago
PRINCE: Excellent. Thank you
PRIEST: Hard Encounter - what's that?
PRINCE: A mission you authorised to
destroy the alien mother ship
PRINCE: Oo, good, good
BUNNY: And when we
get back to bed, I'm gonna authorise Operation Hard Encounter part 2
STAN: Yeah, bed, that's a good idea. You know, all that food
made me really really tired, so - night night!
790: Goodnight! (grins)
(Everyone goes back to bed.
Prince and Kai sit down at the edge of the well, and start to play
(Later. Everyone's asleep - except Stan, who seems to be suffering
from indigestion. He goes to the toilet, where he hears a clanking sound - then
has a close encounter of the carrot kind)
(On the bridge, Prince and Kai
are still playing chess)
PRINCE: Sometimes the game of chess can be
played for stakes, and that makes the game much more interesting
KAI: I have
nothing of value
PRINCE: On the contrary - you're a Divine Assassin, with a
virtually unstoppable ability to kill a man, any man. Therefore you could gift
your opponent with a sworn promise not to kill him, as his prize if he were to
defeat you in a game of chess
KAI: And what would the former ruler of the
planet Fire be able to offer as a reward, should he lose the game?
You once had a living body. That body had a spirit, an essence, a soul -
whatever you want to call it. Perhaps I could be of help in putting that soul to
(Kai seems to be thinking)
PRINCE: We have nothing
in common, and yet this game gives a chance for one of us to achieve our agenda
- and that's much better than neither one of us achieving it, isn't
(Kai looks around)
(Kai leaves the bridge)
PRINCE: Perhaps it was
something I said (grins)
(In a passageway, 790 wheels up to
790: Kai! I was just thinking about you - of course, that's all
I ever do. Were you thinking of me?
(Kai picks up 790, starts walking
along the passageway)
KAI: I was - but not in the way that you would
like. It occurred to me that your interests and the interests of the alien probe
might be complementary
KAI: Meaning, that were the probe to
annihilate all onboard save for me, that you would be a happy head
can't deny it
KAI: Further meaning, that you would have ample motivation to
deceive those onboard as to whether or not the alien probe had actually launched
itself from the Lexx. I suggest, that you did deceive Stan, Xev and the others,
that the probe is still on the Lexx and - that you are working in co-operation
790: You make things so hard for me! I wouldn't mind if you made the
thing in your pants hard for me too, but I'm still waiting for that, aren't
KAI: So the alien probe is still on the Lexx
790: Yes. Of course it
is. And I'm not sorry!
KAI: Not yet
(Xev is asleep in her chamber.
This time it's Stan who climbs onto her bed. He squirts ketchup onto her belly,
licks it off. Xev wakes up)
XEV: Stan! What are you doing?
Congratulations Xev - you're the house speciality!
(Stan holds her
down, his hands around her neck - and then Kai's brace grabs the back of his
STAN: Kai! What's going on? How'd I get here?
KAI: You tell
STAN: Er - I was having a bad dream, and I was sleepwalking,
yeah, that's it, I was sleepwalking and, er - how are you Xev, you OK? Well
good, no harm done, so - back to beddy bye!
KAI: I don't believe you,
(Xev gets up off the bed)
XEV: Neither do
STAN: But it's true -
(Kai tightens the grip of his
STAN: Kai, stop it, stop - come on, you're killing
(The carrot wriggles down the inside of Stan's trouser leg, and
out. Stan falls onto the bed. Kai and Xev jump onto the bed, trying to catch the
carrot - without much luck. It bounces off Xev's head, and Kai trips over - they
grab Stan and run)
(Later. Everyone has gathered on the
STAN: Well, that's everybody
PRIEST: What's this all
KAI: The alien probe is still on the Lexx
PRIEST: What? But I
thought - the robot head said that -
KAI: The robot head lied
790: What do
STAN: 790, I swear I'm gonna crush you to scrap. Do you have any
idea how much that hurt coming out of me?!
790: A lot, I
(Stan gets up off the pedestal and goes for 790, but Kai stops
KAI: Some other time, I suggest. Right now your safety requires
capturing the carrot
PRINCE: And how do you propose that we do
(Prince is sitting at the edge of the well next to Bunny - who
is looking at his neck)
KAI: There are several options. We can wait
until the probe emits a signal, then 790 can locate it electronically and I can
track it down and destroy it. We can set traps at various locations. I suggest a
rig of overhead netting be employed, which can then be dropped on the
STAN: Wait a second - that could take forever, I mean how can we trust
KAI: Or - we could deactivate 790. Divide into groups and use hand held
nets. However, I believe that there is less chance of success with this method
(Bunny suddenly bites Prince's neck. He cries out. Bunny
stands up, pulls off her sleep mask to reveal a third eye. She
PRIEST: Bunny wunny snuggle bun!
XEV: Get her!
(Bunny runs off the bridge. Kai and the others follow, splitting up
to search different passageways)
into Stan and Priest)
XEV: See her?
STAN: Yeah yeah yeah - we
think she went that way
(He points, then they hear a scream in the
other direction. They run along the passageway, to find Bunny unconscious, with
her head on Prince's knees)
PRIEST: My Bunny!
PRINCE: It appears
to have left her
(Priest takes hold of Bunny)
Bunny. My honey bunny
PRINCE: So what do we do now?
KAI: First we must
make certain that the probe has not gained entry to anyone here
yeah, and just how do we do that?
(Xev's bedchamber. Everyone watches
as Kai wheels in the protein regenerator)
KAI: You will all disrobe
and lean over the edge of the bed with your buttocks raised. Then I will take
this - prong, and insert it, into each of you in turn. The low voltage
electromagnetic flux will penetrate your bodies, and if it elicits no negative
ions, you will be considered clean
STAN: Well wait a second, you mean you're
gonna put that thing, up our - ?
STAN: Oh boy
PRIEST: Oo no - you can't stick a prong in my arse, I'm
PRINCE: You are also the source of all this trouble. (to
Kai) You may do as you will with these people. However, I will not be
participating in your little test (smiles)
XEV: And why
PRINCE: It's unnecessary. The probe could no sooner live in me than it
could in Kai. I am not of human constitution
XEV: Oh no?
Although it's possible that I am perhaps no longer immortal, I am still more
deity than man. The test would have no effect
XEV: Well, let's find out
PRINCE: Absolutely not
Princey, we're all in this one together. You may be a god, you may be a man,
you're certainly an enigma, but right now you're an enigma, who's about to get
an enema (undoes uniform) - so, drop 'em, pal!
(Kai holds up the prong, which crackles with
electricity. The dead seem to be enjoying this)
KAI: Drop 'em
(Out in space, the Operation Hard Encounter shuttle opens up - out
comes a huge gun)
PILOT: We're gonna hammer those extraterrestrial
monkeys into little greasy spots. We're coming to kill, Houston. Damn, I love
this job - yeehaaw!
(Back on the Lexx, the probing has begun. Stan is
first - not comfortable, but takes it like a man)
(The moth breeding chamber. A carrot's eye view of a moth
breeder bending over. The carrot attacks. Soon the moth breeder has an extra
eye, and walks away - stiffly)
(Bunny's turn to be probed. She whimpers,
upset - which is hardly surprising)
breeder walks onto the bridge, gets up on the pedestal)
(Priest's turn -
doesn't seem to be enjoying it as much as he enjoyed Bunny's rubber
PRIEST: Oo - the media must never get hold of this!
(The moth breeder activates the template)
MOTHB: Locate military vessel, code name Hard Encounter, near
LEXX: As you command, captain
(The shuttle appears on
the view screen. The pilots are singing)
PILOT: Flying around in
outer space (flying around in outer space) Momma and Poppa weren't making a
MOTHB: Destroy military vessel code name Hard Encounter
you command, captain
(Xev's turn to be probed - she seems to be
trying to decide whether she likes it)
finally, Prince's turn - clearly, he has never been so humiliated in all his
PRINCE: Yes, well, thank you very
(Prince pulls his trousers back up, not at all
PRINCE: And now that we have wasted enough time with your
little parlour trick, perhaps we should get back to the business of seeking and
destroying the -
(The Lexx fires a blast, destroying the
PRINCE: And what, pray tell, was that?
STAN: Why that,
er - it sounded like the Lexx, firing its weapon. But that's not possible, is
(The moth breeder leaves the bridge, just before everyone else
PRINCE: Stanley, why don't you simply ask the Lexx if it
fired its weapon? Then we'll know what's happened
STAN: Oh, there's no need
to do that. See, the Lexx couldn't have fired because the Lexx only does what I
tell it to do, er, because I'm its captain, I'm its only captain. Say, umm - you
guys didn't happen to see Lyekka, LooLoo around anywhere, did you?
PRINCE: No. Why?
STAN: Oh, I was just wondering
PRINCE: Why do you
ask about her? You already have the key back from her
STAN: Well yeah, but we
were friends once, remember, you know, before she stole the key from me, and I
got it back
PRINCE: Really (he's not convinced)
(In a passageway,
there is the sound of farting - the carrot is free once more. The poor moth
breeder looks confused for a minute, then walks away)
PRINCE: Lexx -
connect me to NASA
(There's no response from the Lexx, of
PRINCE: 790, can you connect me to NASA?
790: If I felt
like it - which will never happen!
KAI: 790 -
790: Oh, all
(Shnoog appears on 790's eye screens)
Professor Shnoog, this is Isambard Prince. I need to know the status of
Operation Hard Encounter
SHNOOG: (laughs) Gone! Gone gone gone gone
gone! Goodbye, goodbye - disappeared right off the radar
Stan) I wonder how that could have happened?
STAN: 790, how could that
790: I don't know and I don't care. I just wanna suck my dead
PRIEST: There goes my re-election
PRINCE: So - it appears that
our mission is still to locate the carrot
XEV: Before it locates us
Well yeah, OK, as long as we all stick together this time
all walking down a passageway. 790 is in the lead, making pinging noise, with
little targets in his eyes. Xev has a flame-thrower(?), Stan has a weapon of
some kind, Priest has a net)
BUNNY: My feet are sore!
everything is sore
STAN: Oh, this is hopeless. The Lexx is too big. We're
never gonna find it
790: Shh! It's close. Quiet now
XEV: Talk to me, robot
790: I still can't quite pinpoint it. Come on. Closer, closer - very
STAN: Where is the damn thing?
790: It's close. It's here. It's
right on top of us
STAN: Where, where?(looks around)
790: It's -
it's - it's behind us!!
(Everyone screams and turns. There's a carrot
vision shot of Kai, who is bringing up the rear)
BUNNY: Where is
(Kai points at his butt)
You've got the carrot inside you Kai?
KAI: Yes - but not for
(He tries a quick twist of his stomach, but nothing happens. Xev
points her weapon at him)
KAI: I'll be right back
the dead do poo - but it takes a while for them to dispose of the carrot. Kai
walks on to the bridge, where everyone is waiting. Stan rushes over to him,
looking highly amused)
STAN: So, dead man - how was your first bowel
movement in 6000 years?
(Kai sits down beside
XEV: Well, that's one bad carrot down
PRINCE: And one
missing key to the Lexx still to go
STAN: Hey, don't worry about it, you
know, we'll find it, it's gotta be around here somewhere
PRINCE: Around here
(He resumes playing chess with Kai)
(Kai looks at Prince, who smiles)
© Filking Fairy
© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana