Lexx 4.13 769
(written by Paul Donovan, Lex Gigeroff)
(The Lexx orbits the Moon. Inside, Prince is in the toilet. He
leans across it, and hides a gun. 790 wheels up behind him, and Prince steps
down to look at him)
790: Quick, we don't have much time
Time for what?
790: I would like to make a proposal
790: I want Kai. I don't care about Stan and Xev. I don't care
about the Lexx or planet Earth. I only care about my stiff!
PRINCE: I'm so
790: We should be working together, so I get to spend the rest of
my days alone with Kai, with no-one else around
PRINCE: Very well - I will
help you if you will help me. I want to get control of the Lexx, so that I will
have a way off this planet when it comes to total ruin, as it soon will
Why not just find that porn star LooLoo, who stole the key to the Lexx from
Stan, and kill her?
PRINCE: No, ATF agents have been scouring the planet for
LooLoo for some time without success. I've come to the conclusion that she never
came back to the Earth, but remained here on the Lexx
790: Then, she must
have been killed by Vlad. Which means the key would have left her body and gone
- into a moth breeder! Since they were the only human beings onboard at the time
- if you can call them human
PRINCE: Robot head (he crouches down by
790) - we have a deal
790: Could you turn me around please? I'm
(Prince looks up. Stan has just
STAN: I thought so
PRINCE: Thought what,
(Stan picks 790 up. Prince stands up)
you two would get up to something the minute you got a chance. You know what
this makes me feel like doing?
PRINCE: You know Stanley, we were thinking -
STAN: Yeah? Well that really worries me
(Stan leaves. Kai is also
there, and looks at Prince. They all go back to the bridge, where Xev, Bunny and
Priest are sitting having a picnic)
STAN: Hey Xev - guess who I
found together? 790 and Prince - alone!
(Stan throws 790 to Kai, then
goes up to Prince)
STAN: So you wanna tell us what you were up
PRINCE: I am up to a new spirit of communication between us all
Oh no no pal - you have finally crossed the line. I think maybe Kai should do
his assassin thing on you, right here and right now. What do you say,
XEV: I say that's a very appealing idea(smiles)
Wouldn't you even like to try and improve relationship going forward?
How about no relationship going forward, because you'll be dead!
gets up and stands beside Prince)
XEV: Right. You're evil, and you
PRINCE: To kill an innocent man in cold blood can hardly be
described as an act of good. Have you become evil yourself, Stanley
STAN: No no no! Don't you try and talk your way outta this. Kai -
you got a problem killing him?
STAN: OK, well that's it then. Say
goodbye Prince, and good riddance
(Kai readies his
STAN: You're with me on this, right Xev?
nods. Priest and Bunny are trying to make themselves as inconspicuous as
PRINCE: Do I even get to say a few last words?
OK, just, just - keep it short
PRINCE: Very well. I am sorry that you have no
food, and will have to return to the doomed planet Earth. I am sorry that in the
past, I have made you suffer (to Xev) And I wish you all the very best
STAN: That's it?
PRINCE: (smiles) That's it
Then let's get on with it. Let's get this done. Right Xev? Hmm?
isn't looking as sure about it as she was before)
KAI: Stanley, when
you say the words "Kill him now" I will kill him
STAN: Oh, I say - I say -
(Stan points at Prince, but he can't bring himself to say the
words. He lets his arm drop, walks up to Prince)
STAN: You know,
that it's perfectly fair for Kai to kill you right here and right now, right on
PRINCE: It is fair, yes, but it is not merciful
pulls a face, and walks away)
XEV: All right, all right, we're not
going to kill you now. We're probably making a big mistake, but we're not evil
like you, so just get off our ship now and go back to your Type 13 planet Earth
and we'll find ourselves a much nicer one
(Stan pulls Priest and
Bunny away from the picnic)
STAN: Go! Just go before we change our
(They head down the passageway to the moth platform, Kai
790: Kai - you're my hero!
STAN: The food stays
with us! (to Xev) Xev, I mean it about 790, he's way out of control,
we've gotta do something about him now
XEV: Like what?
STAN: I don't know!
Crush him, reprogram him somehow, or at the very least lock him
PRINCE: (to Xev) So this is it
STAN: Yeah. You
leave, we stay. Now go! Kai, if he tries anything funny, you don't have to ask
us, just kill him
(But Kai is standing rigid, holding onto a metal
XEV: Leave now, or Kai will kill
PRINCE: I don't think so
STAN: Oh, he will. Kai -
PRINCE: - Appears
to be having some sort of problem with his protoblood. In fact -
taps Kai, who falls over)
PRINCE: - He doesn't appear to have any
(smiles) Goodbye Xev
(He kisses her. She hisses at him, but
he just chuckles, and walks away. Xev and Stan kneel down by Kai - then see
Prince, Priest and Bunny heading for the moth)
XEV: Hey, shouldn't
they be taking their space shuttle?
STAN: I don't care what they take, as
long as they leave
(Prince puts something into the moth, then climbs
in. Priest and Bunny go around to the other side)
afraid of the Cluster lizard, aren't you Prince?!
(The moth takes off
- leaving Bunny behind, waving)
STAN: You're - (sees Bunny)
What are you doing here?
BUNNY: I don't know (shrugs) They left me
XEV: Well, we have to get fresh protoblood for Kai
(Stan and Xev drag Kai to the cryochamber. He's on the
floor being topped up for a while before he wakes up)
STAN: Oh - I
was worried there for a while
KAI: Where is 790?
STAN: He was on the
bridge - wasn't he?
KAI: It is unusual for him to have chosen not to be here
when you revived me
STAN: Uh oh
(Kai gets up and heads for the
bridge, with the others following)
(The moth lands in the Moth breeding
chamber. Prince holds up 790)
PRINCE: Which one of these has the key
to the Lexx?
790: All moth breeders started off as human prisoners on the
Cluster. Any parts of their brain unnecessary for moth breeding were immediately
excised after they were sentenced for their crimes
790: Using the incorrect fork, cutting the nose off the cheese,
whatever! And who cares?!
(Priest laughs, until Prince looks at
790: All that matters is that now they do not respond to
questions except those directly related to moth breeding and
PRIEST: You seem to know rather a lot about them
because it was my job to vacuum out their useless bits of brain matter. It was
one of the special skills of the model 790 robot
PRINCE: So - how do we tell
which one of these brainless (gets out of moth) gentlemen has the key
to the Lexx?
(Moth breeders walk around, ignoring
790: There's two options - you could bring them to the very
height of sexual ecstasy - but they have no equipment to get ecstatic with, so
that's a dead end. Or you can bring them to the very edge of death
Well, I'm naturally predisposed to the latter. You - come
a moth breeder, who walks over to them)
PRIEST: My prince
(Priest starts strangling the moth
790: His hand will glow if he's the one
PRINCE: Come on,
out with it
(He hits the moth breeder's head. The poor thing falls to
the floor, dead. Prince smiles)
PRINCE: What a delightful waste of
human life. You - come
(Another moth breeder walks up to Priest, who
waves his hand in front of its face, and laughs)
PRIEST: They are
(Prince slaps the back of Priest's
(He starts strangling
(Meanwhile, everyone else is walking along the passageway to the
STAN: Prince is gone. You know, he and 790 were up to
something, I know it. It's the only possibility
BUNNY: Well, they never tell
me what they're up to, and they left me behind for some reason - I hope
So what are they up to?
(In the moth breeding chamber, there is now a
pile of bodies. Prince is sitting on the leg of the moth with 790, watching
Priest strangle yet another moth breeder)
PRIEST: My arms are
790: Not yet
PRINCE: Patience, patience
breeder raises a hand, which starts to glow)
(Priest lets go. Prince stands by the moth
PRINCE: This is your lucky day
PRIEST: Not mine. My arms
feel like they are going to fall off
(He shakes his hands, until
Prince looks at him)
(Stan, Kai, Xev and
Bunny arrive on the bridge. Bunny points at the view screen, which shows the
moth heading for Earth)
BUNNY: Look! Do you think it's the
STAN: In fact I do. At least they're heading in the right
direction, which is away from us
(Prince is flying the moth. Priest
is sitting beside him, holding 790, and the moth breeder is in the
790: Do you know what the secret to really great sex
PRINCE: No, do tell me
790: A really big stiff!(laughs)
PRIEST: First Lady Bunny says that too
(The moth heads for
(The cryochamber. Kai gets into his
STAN: Are you sure about this Xev?
XEV: Well, we know
that Prince has gone down to Earth and that Kai's supply of protoblood is
limited, so I think we should save him for when we really need him. Don't you
(The moth has landed in Washington. In the
White House (?) Prince is standing by a screen - some sort of surgery is taking
place behind it)
790: Three microns more - now two - one - stop! Oh
yeah baby, that feels good!
PRINCE: Careful, careful
790: I'm a-coming for
the man in black - yeah!
(Prince looks of the shoulders of the two
surgeons (mechanics?) working on 790)
PRINCE: What is
790: I can feel something
PRINCE: What, 790?
790: My - my
PRINCE: Yes, yes?
790: My hands!
(Fists punch the doctors to
the ground, and 790 sits up - he's now attached to the moth breeder's shoulders,
next to the original head. He gets off the operating table and staggers around
clumsily, the moth breeder banging his head against the lights)
Wait till Kai gets a load of me. And Prince?
790: On the
Cluster, a 790 robot attached to a body that kept its original head was called a
769, so that's what you should call me now, if you don't mind
PRINCE: Not a
problem, 769. So part one of your transformation is complete
doctors get up, but 790 knocks them down again)
790: Yes. And now
it's time for part two - the big part!
(In the cryochamber, Stan is
trying to talk Xev and Bunny into something)
STAN: No no no, see
what I'm saying is here we are, three of us, you know, one man, two women - one
very healthy man, two very -
(He puts his arms around their
BUNNY: Who wants to play a game?
XEV: What kind of
STAN: I'm interested in just one type of game
(He pulls them
close to him, but Xev walks away)
BUNNY: It's called Truth or Dare.
We used to play it in high school all the time, it's really fun
I'm sure Bunny you used to play some wonderful games in high school, but you see
now were grown ups, and now we play grown up games
BUNNY: It is a grown up
STAN: Oh yeah, how so?
BUNNY: Well, you have to play to find
XEV: All right
BUNNY: Come on!
(They go into Xev's
bedchamber, all sit on the bed)
BUNNY: OK - so someone starts off by
asking someone else "Truth or dare?" Now if you say "Truth" then you have to
answer the truth, no matter how weird or embarrassing it might be. And if you
say "Dare" then you have to do whatever that person dares you to do
Yeah well what about if you said like, er, OK "Stan, jump off the
BUNNY: I wouldn't say that
STAN: Yeah yeah yeah yeah, but what if
you did? Would I have to do that? Because if I do, I'm not playing
doesn't work like that! You know, you're supposed to give people hard dares but,
you know, ones they can do, not ones that are gonna like - kill them, or
XEV: That could be fun
STAN: Or not
BUNNY: Can we start? Can I
BUNNY: OK - Xev, truth or dare?
XEV: Um -
BUNNY: Truth. OK, um - have you ever wanted to go all the way with
XEV: Stan? Let me think - have I ever wanted to go all the way with
Stan? Now when you say all the way, do you mean giving him everything a love
slave could give a man, like a total passionate commitment to satisfying his
BUNNY: Um - yeah
(Stan looks disappointed
- you think he'd be used to this by now!)
XEV: Sorry Stan, it's the
STAN: OK, my turn - boy, have I got a dare for you
Office. President Priest is singing a song in French (Sur le Pont d'Avignon?).
He is playing an accordion, wearing a beret and a string of onions, and has a
baguette in his pocket. Three French diplomats give him a round of
FRENCH: It is incroyable that no-one knows that your
mother is French
PRIEST: On her father's side
FRENCH: This makes it easy -
you can dump your old nuclear submarines in the Indian Ocean, off Australia,
wherever you want. France will no longer object
PRIEST: Merci beaucoup,
monsieur (they clink glasses)
FRENCH: A votre sante, et au revoir
PRIEST: Au revoir monsieur, merci beaucoup
(Priest hurries them
out of the office, rapidly using up his French vocabulary)
Au revoir, Paris, Paris, baguette, bonsoir, oui. Au revoir, baguette, brioche,
(They leave. He shuts the door)
That went well
(He goes to his desk, takes off his French props, and
rummages in another dressing up box. By the time three Native Americans come in,
he's wearing a cowboy hat and boots, sitting with his feet propped up on the
desk, twirling a gun. He offers them some tobacco)
NATIVE: No thank you
(Priest spits his tobacco out, then
walks over to them, and shows off his gun - and his cowboy
PRIEST: It's my grandpa's. He used to run his cattle across
Indian lands in Oklahoma. Five notches on the handle. Grandpa used to say "The
sound of a Colt 45 is the only language the no-good redskin varmints
(He laughs. They don't. Priest realises something is
PRIEST: You are the representatives of the Western
Cattlemen's Association, right?
NATIVE: No. We are no-good redskin varmints
PRIEST: Hmm. I see. In that case I must have the wrong box. The
wrong box! The wrong box actually, sorry
(Priest goes back to his
desk, as Prince and 790 enter. Priest pulls on a feather head-dress and gets out
a pipe - then sees Prince and 790)
PRIEST: And that means you have
to leave now, yes yes, time to go. Don't worry, we'll smoke a peace pipe and
you'll get plenty of wampum. That's right, everything's fine, bye bye then,
(He ushers them out of the office)
(He pats 790 on the head)
(Prince holds out his hand. Priest kisses
PRIEST: My prince
MOTHB: Must build more moths
up! So where's the beefcake?
PRIEST: Yes, yes, the beefcake (on
intercom) We are ready for the beefcake now, send them in
PRINCE: Ten -
shun! Hut hut hut hut hut!
(Six army guys march in,
PRINCE: Stand at ease
(He walks over to the
PRINCE: Gentlemen, as you know the Commander in Chief has
always had a great affection for his armed forces - and their (looks down)
- equipment. You have been called to the Oval Office today for a special
short arm inspection
790: I want a long one!
PRINCE: Yes, yes (to
soldiers) We live in difficult times gentlemen, and in difficult times the
best among us are often called upon to make a heavy sacrifice for the good of
the nation. And for the most gifted of you, today is the day for that
790: I want the black one!
PRINCE: Having combed through the
medical records of nearly two million men, you six have stood out from your
peers for one simple yet crucial reason, which is vital to our national
790: You've all got massive torpedoes in your pants!
my colleague from the CIA here is trying to say, is that in order to determine
790: And the thickest! Don't forget the thickest!
the longest, short arm, it is necessary for you all to immediately drop your
790: You heard the man - drop 'em!
PRIEST: That's an order, from
your Commander in Chief
(They drop 'em)
anything you like?
790: I can only pick one, right?
PRINCE: I think that
would be best
790: Let me have a closer look
(790 walks along,
inspecting each man in turn)
790: Come on soldier, stand to
attention... Let's see a little life in the old cannon... What are you, sick or
790: I will be
PRINCE: Good. Pants
(They pull their pants up and leave - but Prince stops
one of them)
PRINCE: Not you, soldier
790: You're the one - the
man with the big artillery
PRINCE: Thank you Mr President. We'll take care of
it - of him, from here on. Walk this way, soldier
(Prince, 790 and
the soldier leave. Priest aims his gun at them)
(On the Lexx, Truth or Dare continues)
or dare, Xev
STAN: OK Xev - I dare you to right now plant a real
live wife bank trained love slave quality big fat wet kiss on a real live
red-blooded human specimen, meaning one who's not dead and one who's not half
Cluster lizard, just in case you try to kiss yourself
XEV: I thought you
weren't supposed to give people dares that you knew they couldn't do
Yeah, unlike jumping off the bridge, well locking your lips on mine is not
exactly like jumping off the bridge Xev, not exactly at all, as you will soon
XEV: OK then - I take your dare. I'll show you how a love slave
(Xev leans forward. Stan puckers up. Xev moans - and kisses
Bunny instead, which comes as a pleasant surprise for Bunny, if not
STAN: Oh come on, that's cheating! Xev, you're cheating. Xev -
(Xev breaks off the kiss)
XEV: Bunny - you're a real live hot-blooded human specimen, aren't
BUNNY: I think so! (giggles)
XEV: So do I
(The White House. The unfortunate young soldier is lying on an
operating table, saluting, in full uniform - with a bandage around his crotch.
An army guy places a medal on the bandage)
soldier. You've certainly earned your Purple Heart
(790 is on a table
nearby, undergoing more surgery)
790: Oh yeah baby - that's it, oh,
that's it! That's the one
(Back on the Lexx, Stan has now lost all
interest in the game)
XEV: So Bunny - truth or dare?
BUNNY: Um -
I wanna ask you both a question. Can - can I go to the bathroom?
don't have to use up your question to go to the bathroom
STAN: Why shouldn't
she, it's a question
BUNNY: So, can I go?
XEV: Of course
BUNNY: OK. Um
- I'm going there now
(She runs into the toilet, and removes the gun
from its hiding place)
BUNNY: I'm only doing this for you, Mr
(As soon as his surgery is complete, 790 gets up and knocks
the doctors out)
790: Feels really good! It's missile launching
(He gets off the bed, and punches some ATF guards who try to
790: Dead man, 769's flying home - with a present for
(The moth takes off)
(Back in Xev's bedchamber -
STAN: So that's it, eh Xev? Every time I come up with a good dare
you're gonna find a way to cheat and not do it, huh?
XEV: Well, you haven't
come up with a good dare yet
STAN: Well neither have you!
(laughs) I already know all the truths I wanna know about you, and I
can't think of any dare that does anything for me either - except one
XEV: I dare you to jump off the bridge
STAN: Ha ha ha
XEV: Bunny! It's your turn - truth or dare?
points the gun at them)
STAN: What's that?
BUNNY: A gun
A gun, uh huh
XEV: Where did you get the gun, Bunny?
BUNNY: I found it in
XEV: What are you going to do with that gun?
BUNNY: I'm gonna
shoot you - both of you
STAN: OK now Bunny, just put the - (he tries to
BUNNY: Don't! Look, I don't wanna do this but I have to,
BUNNY: I'm sorry, but I just have to
STAN: Your husband
put you up to this, didn't he?
BUNNY: Look, I don't wanna talk about it. It's
bad enough that I have to shoot you
XEV: Bunny - Prince is evil. Your husband
is evil. You are not evil. You don't have to shoot anyone if you don't want
BUNNY: Yes I do! You don't respect the presidency, either of you
Well yeah, that's true, Bunny, we don't respect the President, and we don't
respect Prince, but is that any reason to kill us?
- Prince controls your husband. If you kill us, you're not doing what he wants,
but what Prince wants
BUNNY:(agitated) I know what I'm
XEV: Bunny, think. If you kill us, then Kai will kill you. And if he
finds out that Prince and Priest were behind this he will kill them
BUNNY: Uh uh - he's in cryo-freezy
STAN: OK look Bunny, a joke is a
joke, OK, now put the gun away
BUNNY: Look I'm sorry but I still have to kill
XEV: Bunny, look at me. You are not evil - they are
BUNNY: Stop saying
those things. President Priest is the most wonderful, loyal decent man in the
whole world and I love him completely
STAN: Now look -
to stand up again, but she points the gun at him and he sits
BUNNY: Don't make this any harder than it already is
BUNNY: I guess this is goodbye then
STAN: No Bunny wait!
Goodbye Stan. Goodbye Xev. You were a really good kisser
(Xev nods -
she has to admit this. Bunny points the gun, looks away)
Office. A man is hammering at the back of the television)
Getting the signal now
(The television shows the Lexx bridge - and
Bunny holding the gun)
BUNNY: Mr President? I did it. I shot
(She can see Prince and Priest on the view
PRINCE: Good. And are they dead?
BUNNY: Yeah. I went in
there with the gun that you left for me and I shot them. They're dead all
PRINCE: Where did you shoot them?
BUNNY: Between the eyes
BUNNY: I thought that's what you wanted
PRINCE: A quick
death would have been better. However, so long as the job is done
was a quick death
PRIEST: You're such a good Bunny
BUNNY: I love you. I
would do anything for you Mr President. Can I come back now?
PRINCE: I think
you should come back now Bunny, to the White House, and have a little private
celebration with the President
BUNNY: Oh, I can hardly wait! (jumps up
and down, excited)
PRINCE: But it will have to wait until you bring the
bodies of Xev and Stan with you. We must make sure they have a proper
PRIEST: I know, it's a terrible job, Bunny wunny
with Tweedle. He's fat
PRIEST: And ugly
PRINCE: And stupid
PRINCE: And cowardly
PRIEST: And pathetic
PRIEST: You can drag the security guard upside down if you want, so
you don't have to look at his fat, ugly, stupid, old -
PRIEST: Cowardly, pathetic, boring face - on the trip
PRINCE: Cheerie bye, First Lady Bunny (waves)
bye, Bunny wunny (waves)
BUNNY: Bye! (waves)
screen goes blank - and Stan and Xev step out from behind the control
STAN: That's it! I'm gonna wake up Kai and tell him to go
down to Earth and kill them right now!
BUNNY: But you said just Prince! That
was the deal, remember, that you wouldn't harm the President if I helped
STAN: OK, OK, just Prince, not that the President doesn't deserve it
just as much - almost
XEV: Don't worry Bunny - you did the right
(She puts her arm around Bunny's shoulders)
I don't know - but I can't kill anybody
STAN: Well that's because you're not
a killer - but Kai definitely is. Did you hear what they said about me?
STAN: They said I was old!
XEV: Well you are - more than four thousand
years old in fact
(They are about to leave the bridge, when a moth
lands on the moth platform, and 790 gets out)
790? (waves a finger) No no no no. I used to be called 790 - but he was
just a robot head, limited in the means of love. The new 769 has all the
equipment a dead man could ever want
STAN: I don't believe this
back - bigger and better than ever
XEV: Well 790, you obviously got what you
wanted. What did Prince get in exchange?
STAN: Yeah, what did you give
MOTHB: Must build bigger moths, must build bigger moths
up!(he punches himself) And now, if you will excuse me, I have a date -
(He walks off the bridge. The others all follow him to
790: The time has - come. The wait is
(He operates the cryopod controls, and Kai's cryopod
790: Missile launching time!
(He strokes himself,
then drapes himself against the side of the cryopod, looks at
790: Hello gorgeous
KAI: Hello 790
790: I go by 769 now
KAI: You've changed
Have I? I suppose I have, Kai-o-lectable (taps his face) But wait till
you see the surprise I brought - for us
(790 rubs his crotch, just as
Stan, Xev and Bunny arrive)
STAN: Oh, yuck!
Yuck! - sorta
KAI: Stan, Xev, Bunny
(The moth breeder is now
stroking his crotch with both hands)
MOTHB: Bigger, harder, moths.
Bigger, harder, moths
790: Quiet! Look - if you wanna watch, I don't care.
It's going to be spectacular. Just keep it down - because I can't. I am now the
proud owner of the biggest missile of them all. It's stuffed with explosives,
and ready to explode with love - and it has Kai stamped on the side
isn't that romantic!
(790 strokes Kai's chest)
want to please you so badly
KAI: The dead cannot be pleased
OK. Love crazed robot heads psychotically obsessed with their stiffs are easy to
please. Now bend over
790: Just bend over and you'll soon find
XEV: Now how does this make sense? I always thought your tiny particle of
brain came from a woman
790: Man, woman, I'm not fussy. I've got my rocket
and I'm ready to launch it
STAN: Forget it 790, or 769, or whatever your
number is now. Nothing is gonna happen between you and Kai, but you are gonna
tell us exactly where Prince is and what he's up to, right now!
790: I agreed to help Prince get control of the Lexx if he agreed to
give me all the equipment I needed to love my man. But as soon as it was
stitched on I fought my way out of the White House, stole the moth and came
here, to test my weapon on your stiff cold corpse
KAI: Is that true?
STAN: I don't believe him
XEV: Well, 790 always tells the truth to
STAN: OK then - where are Priest and Prince right now?
790: Can't you
see I'm busy, security guard? I've got important things - to do
790: I don't know! The last time I saw them they were in the White
House. I told you, I fought my way out of there and flew straight to the Lexx. I
didn't stop on the way to visit anyone. That's the whole story, and you can
leave me alone with my stiff now - if you don't mind
STAN: Well, I think we
XEV: Kai, 790 is only interested in pleasing himself, and you should
have nothing to do with it
STAN: Because it's
KAI: The dead do not feel disgust
STAN: I can't believe we're
even talking about this! Listen 790, whatever ideas you may have about what's
gonna happen between you and Kai, that's all they are, just ideas, because
they're not gonna happen!
790: Why not?
XEV: Because we don't want them to
BUNNY: I might want it to happen
stands behind 790, watching)
BUNNY: I like things different, you
know, and this is different. I'm an aerobics instructor,
(790 rubs himself up against Kai)
deny me, dead boy!
(Stan pulls Xev aside)
STAN: Xev - we
have got to put a stop to this, right now. What we got here is an out of control
robot head, and now he's got a body with even more out of control
(790 crouches before Kai, then stands up and pulls Kai's hands
to his chest)
XEV: I don't know Stan - I'm a love slave, and I know
what it's like to be denied love
790: I'm trembling all over with excitement.
I'm a robot on the edge. A robot with a rock hard missile closing in on its
MOTHB: Bigger harder moths, bigger harder moths!
spoiling my moment!
(790 slaps the moth breeder's
790: Don't deny me. I'm exploding with passion. I don't know
if I can control myself any longer! Please Kai - we could have a hot and cold
future together, just the two of us
XEV: Let 790 have his moment and then
we'll do whatever it is that we have to do
STAN: Which is what?
Something. Reset him, switch him off, melt him down
MOTHB: Bigger harder
moths! Bigger -
790: No! Say yes. Say yes, say yes, say yes yes yes
(His hand starts to glow - and the key jumps behind him, into
Bunny. The moth breeder bumps into her)
790: What is it now,
bubblehead? Can't you see I'm busy?
790 right off the moth breeder's shoulder. 790 screams, which brings Stan and
XEV: What happened?
(Kai gets out
of the cryopod)
MOTHB: Must build harder moths
things just got too weird for me, so I knocked his block off
sounds quite pleased with herself)
STAN: Well, good. Now listen Kai,
will you please kill Prince, once and for all?
KAI: If that is what you
XEV: That is what we wish
BUNNY: Not the President,
(They all leave the cryochamber. Kai takes a moth, heads
for Earth. Stan, Xev and Bunny go to the bridge)
STAN: See Xev, you
should have let me kill Prince when I had the chance
PRINCE: Yes, you should
(Prince walks onto the bridge, aiming a gun at them. Priest is
BUNNY: Mr President!
runs to him, hugs him, and they fall to the floor)
PRINCE: Not now,
(Priest gets up, follows Prince)
connect us with Kai on the moth right now
XEV: 790, do it!
interested (lying on the floor)
XEV: What are you doing back
PRINCE: Getting control of the Lexx. Getting Kai off the Lexx. Getting
rid of you - in that order
BUNNY: Mr President I don't understand - I just
talked to you in the Oval Office
PRIEST: Yes, but I wasn't there
Bunny, that was a pre-recorded conversation that the President and I put on tape
before we took the space shuttle to come up here
PRIEST: Prince figured it
all out in advance. It was an excellent plan
PRINCE: It was obvious that the
robot head would betray me
PRIEST: And he knew that First Lady Bunny wouldn't
be able to pull the trigger
PRINCE: Even though we had a deal (looks at
Bunny) So - we had to get Kai off the Lexx
PRIEST: It was a brilliant
PRIEST: Almost perfect
the gun at Priest)
PRIEST: Oo - I mean, completely perfect, of
(Priest kisses the gun. Prince points it at
PRINCE: So, now all that remains is to deal with the
PRIEST: Which is?
PRINCE: Stanley Tweedle and Xev of
(Prince gives the gun to Priest, who aims it at Stan. Stan has
realised Bunny's gun is lying on the pedestal. Prince sees him looking at
PRINCE: Ah yes - that must be the gun that I left for First Lady
Bunny. Do you think you can get to it Stan? Before Priest pulls the
XEV: Go for it Stan, I'll kill Prince
(She moves closer to him)
XEV: I'm stronger than
you, you know that. And I have a very big appetite
PRINCE: Yes, I'm sure that
you do. Point the gun at Xev, Mr President
XEV: Go for it, Stan
Yes, go for it Stan
STAN: But if I do they'll shoot you
XEV: It's our only
chance, now go for it
STAN: I can't
XEV: Do it!
(Stan dives for
the pedestal, grabs the gun, and aims it at Prince. Priest aims at Stan, but
Prince holds up a finger. Priest nods, and lowers his gun. Stan squeezes the
trigger - but nothing happens. He looks at the gun)
STAN: It doesn't
(Prince takes the gun from him)
PRINCE: That weapon
is equipped with a child safety lock - and it is in the on position. However,
now - it is not
(He points the gun at Stan, who is sitting on the
BUNNY: You never told me about the child
PRINCE: There was no need, because I knew that you would never
pull the trigger - unlike Stanley Tweedle
(He pokes Stan's nose with
(Kai is still in the moth, heading for Earth)
790: Hiya doll
KAI: Where are Stan and Xev?
790: They're indisposed
at the moment - but don't worry
KAI: Is everything all right?
absolutely. Everything is excellent, absolutely excellent
(On the bridge, Stan and Xev are now bound and gagged on the
pedestal. Priest is aiming a gun at them. Prince is holding
PRINCE: Thank you, 790
(He kisses his
790: Please - I only have lips for Kai
puts him down, goes over to the pedestal)
PRINCE: So - Kai has
checked in - therefore it is time for the two of you to check out
undoes Xev's gag)
PRINCE: Any last words?
XEV: Not for
(Stan mumbles something. Prince undoes his gag)
- plenty to say! Bunny - grab a gun and shoot Priest and Prince - not because
they're completely evil - which they are! - but because it's the only thing that
you can do to save yourself from Kai, because Kai is a Divine Assassin and he
will hunt you down and he will kill you, every one of you
PRIEST: May I shoot
them now, my prince?
PRINCE: Yes, you may
runs away, crying)
790: Don't you want to stay and see them get
PRINCE: Unlike us, I do not believe she wants to
appears on the view screen)
KAI: And nor do I. Are you about to kill
Stan and Xev?
KAI: I would not recommend that
KAI: I am on my way back to the Lexx, and I will kill you, very
(The moth heads for the Lexx)
PRIEST: Should I shoot
them now, my prince?
PRINCE: Not yet (to Kai) What will you give me
if I decide not to kill them?
KAI: A quick and painless death
enough. Mr President -
STAN: No! Kai, Kai, Kai, give them anything they
want. Don't let them shoot us
XEV: No, don't agree to anything, they deserve
PRINCE: I'm waiting, but not for much longer. Make me an offer I can
accept and quickly, otherwise I promise you I will end their lives,
KAI: I would like us to play the game you call chess again
As would I
KAI: If you agree not to kill Stan and Xev now, we will play
PRINCE: Will you kill me after the game?
Even if I lose?
KAI: I agree not to kill you at the end of the game, no
matter what the outcome
PRINCE: (to Priest) Let's go
PRIEST: And Bunny?
PRINCE: She can stay here. I'm sure
she'll fit right in. No, on second thought we won't leave First Lady Bunny
behind. Go find her now
PRIEST: Yes my
(He hands Prince the gun, and goes off to find Bunny, who is
crying in a passageway. Priest kneels in front of her)
BUNNY: Get away from me, you murderer!
PRIEST: No no no no no,
Bunny wunny snugglebuns, I'm not a murderer
BUNNY: Yes you are! Stan and Xev
were right, but now they're dead!
PRIEST: No they aren't. I persuaded Prince
to let them go
BUNNY: You did?
PRIEST: Yes, I did. and now we have to go
(Bunny grabs hold of him, starts kissing him)
No Bunny - not now, we can't
(She undoes his
PRIEST: I mean, we shouldn't
(She pulls up her
PRIEST: I mean - we have to be quick
(Meanwhile, back on the bridge - )
STAN: Well -
won't be long now
XEV: Are you worried, Prince?
PRINCE: Kai is a man of
his word, is he not?
STAN: Well, we'll soon find out, won't
(Prince leaves the bridge)
(In the passageway, Priest and
Bunny are still at it - and Bunny's hand is glowing)
BUNNY: Oh, Mr
PRIEST: Oh Bunny!
(The key flies off down the
passageway, just before Prince arrives)
PRINCE: Not the time, Mr
(He pulls Priest away from Bunny by his
PRIEST: No no no
PRIEST: Of course, my
PRINCE: Not the time
PRIEST: No no no. Of course my prince. It's
not the time. Not time, not now
(They head back to the bridge, Priest
and Bunny pulling clothes back on. Meanwhile, the key flows along a passageway,
into the moth breeding chamber - and into a moth breeder)
(Kai arrives on
790: I missed you
STAN: So did we
Bunny and Priest walk onto the bridge. Kai readies his
PRINCE: A deal is a deal - isn't it? You are a man of your
word, are you not?
(Kai fires his brace, freeing Xev and
STAN: Oh Kai, thank you thank you thank you
and Bunny walk away, very cautiously)
STAN: They take their shuttle,
not a moth
PRINCE: Of course. We just borrowed the moth
XEV: How did you
know to come back?
KAI: 790 told me that everything was absolutely excellent,
which could only mean not excellent for you and Stanley
790: Can't disagree
with you there, oh stiff and sexy one
(Kai aims his brace. Prince
looks at him)
KAI: Any last words?
(Priest and Bunny get
into the shuttle, start strapping themselves in)
PRINCE: You said we
would play a game of chess. Can I do that if I'm dead?
KAI: On Brunnis 2 the truly committed learned to play
after death. That is how you and I will play
(Kai fires his brace through Prince's chest, killing him. The
STAN: Oh yes Kai, you did it! You did it, we're
finally free of Prince! Yes!
(The view screen shows the shuttle
heading for Earth)
XEV: Well - maybe the little blue planet is no
longer so bad after all, right Stan?
(In the shuttle, Priest is also
quite happy with this turn of events)
PRIEST: He's dead. He's dead!
He's really dead! Now I will rule this planet!!
(He laughs - Bunny
joins in, sounding unsure)
PRIEST: Hmm. But what are we going to do
without someone to tell us what to do?
BUNNY: (thinks) Well at least
we could do -
BUNNY: Anything we want! You're the
President, remember? And now Prince isn't around to tell us what to do and stop
us from having fun, in bed
(Priest laughs - then remembers
PRIEST: We can't, Bunnykins. The President can't have
anymore fun with the First Lady
BUNNY: (upset) Why not?
You have the key to the Lexx - if we have any fun - you know, together - you
could reach the edge of sexual ecstasy and lose the key
BUNNY: Can't I even
touch your zipper? Just a little?
PRIEST: I don't think so
(Bunny pulls a face)
PRIEST: You do still have
the key to the Lexx, don't you?
BUNNY: I think so (looks at her
(Back on the Lexx, Stan picks 790 up)
STAN: 790, 790,
what you did is completely unforgivable. Your schemes to kill me and Xev are
just, just - totally out of control
790: I am totally out of control - with
STAN: Yeah, well the next time, you're gonna end up on the scrap
heap. Xev agrees with me, don't you Xev?
STAN: Yeah. Kai?
(Kai leaves the bridge. Xev also starts to
STAN: Where are you going?
XEV: Oh, just going for a little
walk. I was thinking about that poor moth breeder
STAN: Yeah? What exactly
were you thinking?
XEV: That he might need some help building bigger harder
moths (she leaves)
STAN: Yeah, yeah. Everybody's got a moth in their
(He leaves the bridge too. Prince's body is lying on the floor.
A light flickers up it - slowly at first, then more quickly, until his body
© Filking Fairy
© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana