Lexx 4.15 Mort
(written by Paul Donovan, Jeffrey Hirschfield)
(Rimsore, Ohio - a small American town. In Mort's Funeral
Parlor, a strange young man is working on the corpse of a young woman, while a
radio plays in the background)
RADIO: That was Your Beautiful Blue
Eyes, by Booboo McKee and the Cornstalks. Don't touch that dial, 'cause this
next tune is sure to get your blood flowing
(Mort sticks a needle
into the corpse, and starts draining it)
MORT: Out with the old -
(He puts in another needle, pumping in embalming
MORT: And in with the new
(He looks at the
corpse's toes - red nail polish)
MORT: Yes, yes -
(He sniffs at them, then starts playing)
This little piggy is lifeless, and this little piggy can't roam, this little
piggy is still as the grave, and this little piggy is done, and this little
RADIO: We interrupt our broadcast for an important news flash. This
one's a doozy, folks. It seems we got ourselves a trio of highly dangerous
fugitives in the Rimsore area. One of the male suspects is described as having a
black beehive hairdo. The second wears a red hat and a matching jump-suit, and
the third one is very nice looking woman dressed in a lizard skin outfit. Stay
tuned for updates
(Mort gets out a saw)
MORT: This little
piggy went all the way to its new home
RADIO: Don't touch that dial, 'cause
we got 45 minutes on non-stop toe-tapping tunes
(In the background,
there is the sound of sawing)
(Meanwhile, not far away, Xev drives a car
past a petrol station. Stan is beside her)
XEV: What are all those
cars doing back there?
STAN: I don't know, beats me
XEV: How's Kai
STAN: How you doing, Kai pal?
(Kai is passed out on the
STAN: Not so good. He's dead to the world, and I don't
mean in a good way
XEV: I think you should be going a little faster,
STAN: What is it, what's happening?
XEV: I don't know. The car's
stopping on its own
STAN: Oh great, that's just great!
XEV: Go, car, go!
Don't stop now!
(But of course, the car stops)
Look, this is a Type 13 planet which means it's very primitive. I don't think
the car can hear you
(Later. Stan has been looking at the
STAN: Well, I'm pretty good on mechanical
things, and everything looks fine. There must be something wrong with its
XEV: Maybe it needs to eat
XEV: Maybe it's thirsty
then. Maybe that's why those cars were stopping back there
STAN: No Xev, no
no, it's not like the Lexx, it doesn't have to eat or drink
STAN: I could probably reprogram it if I could find the main processor.
What am I gonna use for tools? I mean, I've got nothing!
found a shopping trolley at the side of the road)
STAN: What's that
(They put Kai into the trolley and start pushing it
across a field)
STAN: Hey Xev, over there
(A police car
drives past the field)
XEV: Just stay calm, Stan. Maybe they won't
(But the police car stops)
POLICE: All units,
all units - the Prime Ridge suspects are east of the town road. Repeat, the
three Prime Ridge suspects are just east of the town road, heading for the
(Back at the funeral parlor, Mort has put on a thick coat and
gone into a cold storage room. He pulls back a cover on a trolley and talks to
someone we can't see)
MORT: You look so down - but I got something -
some things - to cheer you up. Piggies
(He uncovers a tray full of
(Xev and Stan, carrying Kai, have made it into the woods. They stop
and hide as a police car drives past)
drag Kai to his feet, and cross the road to Mort's Funeral Parlor. Kai falls, so
Xev helps him onto Stan's shoulders)
STAN: Get him up. I got
(Kai bumps into the sign, knocking off some of the letters, so
that Funeral becomes Fun)
(Mort is playing with the
MORT: Little tiny beautifully perfect piggies - and look, they
go wee wee wee -
(He hears a knock on the door)
(He leaves the freezer)
(Upstairs, Xev and Stan are
banging on the door)
XEV: Hello? Hello? Please open!
Hello? Come on, somebody answer
(Mort unlocks the door, wearing his
XEV: Please let us in
(uneasy) No, I think we got the wrong - the house next door -
(He turns away, dragging Kai)
MORT: Has he been dead for
STAN: Six thousand years
MORT: You're the fugitives from the
radio, aren't you?
XEV: What fugitives?
MORT: The ones wanted
for the Prime Ridge murders
XEV: No, no
STAN: No no no, we're not
Yes you are
STAN: OK, we are fugitives, but we're innocent, we didn't kill
(Mort is looking at Xev's breasts)
let us in, the police are after us
STAN: We're not dangerous
MORT: Come on
(They go inside. Mort locks the door
(Nearby, police cars are gathering. One pulls up, and out
gets Festus Trout)
TROUT: What you got, sheriff?
be far. We'll start a house to house search, pronto
TROUT: Yes sir. It'll be
my pleasure to bring those archfiends in myself sir, dead or alive
Festus, these freaks are the real thing. Deranged killers all, they'd chew you
up and spit you out if you try to arrest 'em
TROUT: I ain't afraid of
SHERIFF: No-one writes a finer parking ticket than you, Festus Trout,
but face it - you're a health inspector who plays at being a part time cop at
the weekends. Leave the big stuff to the big boys
TROUT: You underestimate
SHERIFF: It doesn't matter anyway. The FBI are insisting they get
the collar on this one, no ifs, ands, or buts. As far as I'm concerned, they can
have it. So, you see any sign of our suspects, you report straight to me, and I
report to them. They take the bad guys down, understand? I don't want to lose
any men tonight - even you
TROUT: Do it straight by the book, sir (turns
away) - my book
(Xev and Stan put Kai on the floor - in a room
full of coffins)
XEV: Thanks again for letting us in, Mr,
MORT: My name is Mort
XEV: Xev, Stan, he's Kai
MORT: It's a coffin
STAN: A what?
MORT: You put a dead person in
it, after they die
STAN: Well, yeah, they do that on some planets
We're from a parallel universe, and people there are mostly put in the protein
bank and fed to a giant insect
STAN: What do you do with dead
people after you put them in a coffin?
MORT: Well, they're viewed here for a
day or two by bereaved relatives, and then either burned or cremated
How come you got no dead people here now?
MORT: The people in Rimsore think
there is something not quite right about me, so I don't get that much business
these days, except over spill from other towns - like when there's a big
accident and lots of people get killed (grins) I'm known for making
young women look their breast - I mean, best
(He looks at Xev, who
(Outside, Festus Trout walks up the path to the
TROUT: Mort! Mort!
MORT: Quick - get your friend
(They drag Kai through a door)
Where's the little creep? Mort! Mort! Mort! Open this door or I'll kick it in.
(Mort goes to open the door)
TROUT: Kick your ass
all the way to the county jail, shifty little weasel. Open up, or I'll snap you
like a twig
MORT: Come in, Deputy Trout
TROUT: Anyone else in here with
you tonight, Mort?
MORT: Nobody but me, deputy
TROUT: Sure about that?
Sure you don't have three fugitives running from the law inside with you? That's
the sort of twisted creepy little thing that you would do
looks around the room)
MORT: What fugitives?
TROUT: Tell me you
don't know the Prime Ridge killers
MORT: Oh, yes, I did hear something about
them, but no-one's come in here alive, deputy - except for you
Standards, Mort, standards. Expensive looking coffins you got here, Mort. Tell
me - how many times do you use 'em?
MORT: Excuse me?
TROUT: Don't play
dumb with me, Mort. You're a sneak, and a no-good. I know you switch these primo
coffins with cheapo cardboard ones just before you stick the dear departed into
the cremation furnace, and you sell off the originals, or you reuse them, or I
don't know what
MORT: I do no such thing!
TROUT: Don't lie to me, Mort. I
know what you're up to. And I'm gonna catch you doing it one of these days.
That's a promise
(Trout heads for the door leading to the
MORT: Now there's nothing for you down
(But of course, they go down to the basement. Trout pulls
covers off some bodies on trolleys - Kai, Xev and Stan)
There's nobody here but you, huh Mort?
MORT: Nobody alive. These poor
unfortunates were brought in earlier today - over spill from a tragic food
poisoning case over in Crack Falls
TROUT: And what's in the
(Mort stands in front of the freezer door)
Oh, nothing can live in there. It's supercold, minus 80 degrees
(Unseen, Stan and Xev sit up to peek at what's going on,
then lie down again before Trout turns around. He picks up a big
TROUT: Well then, if these folks are really dead, it won't
hurt if jab them with this little needle now, will it?
(He holds the
needle over Stan)
MORT: Well, of course not - but it would make a
mess of things - and it's very disrespectful to the deceased
holds the needle over Xev)
TROUT: What do you know about
MORT: Please, I'd really rather you didn't
TROUT: Is that so,
Morty old boy? Well, I'd really rather that I did
(He stabs the
needle into Kai's chest, and looks for a reaction - there isn't
TROUT: One of these days, you loathsome freakish toad, I'm
gonna bring you to justice
(He heads back upstairs)
(Stan and Xev get off their trolleys)
Whoa, that was way too close! I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate needles
don't like them either Stan
KAI: The dead do not fear needles
XEV: Happy day
MORT: But you told me he was dead
XEV: Kai, talk to me - are you OK?
KAI: Okie dokie - going
MORT: I don't understand. He's dead - the needle - no reaction!
He's a living dead, OK? Look, I'll explain it to you later. Right now we have to
try and preserve what little life he has left. Can we use your freezer?
Yes, it's minus 80 degrees centigrade. At that temperature cell structure
doesn't break down, but-
STAN: OK, well that should be cold enough to keep
Kai's protoblood from breaking down anymore
XEV: Can we put him in
MORT: No! I mean - yes, but first I have to clear out a space for
XEV: Please hurry - please
MORT: Yes, yes
(Mort puts his
coat on and goes into the freezer. Xev pulls the needle out of Kai's chest. Mort
uncovers the girl on the trolley)
MORT: Deedee - we have visitors. A
living dead one. This is so exciting. No - it's more than that - it's
(He covers her again, moves the trolley, then goes out and pulls
Kai's trolley inside)
MORT: Come on in
STAN: Whoa, cold! Hey,
what's with all the body parts?
MORT: I'm a mortician. It's my job to deal
with the aftermath of death - with all its aspects
STAN: What's under
MORT: This is of little concern to you. Quickly, we must leave before
the temperature begins to rise
(He ushers them out. Stan notices the
STAN: Hey, that's a transmitter (turns it on)
RADIO: More and more FBI agents are arriving in the Rimsore area by the
hour. All roads in and out of the county are blocked
XEV: Stan, we are in a
STAN: Oh yeah, what else is new? OK, well that's it - it's time for
XEV: What action?
STAN: I have absolutely no idea
XEV: 790. He's our only hope
STAN: Yeah, well that's not
XEV: We need to use your phone system to contact a robot head on
our ship in space
MORT: Yes. I mean, no - you can't use the phone system
here. All calls in and out of Rimsore are surely being monitored
OK, er - look, 790 picks up all kinds of signals, right? So we'll just get a
squawker. Just about anything will do
MORT: I'll offer you a small trade.
I'll assist you with your communication., if you tell me everything you know
about Kai's living death state. I am very professionally curious, as you can
XEV: Fine. Let's get to work
(Police cars drive past the
funeral parlor. Mort attaches a cable to a satellite dish outside a window, then
gives the other end to Xev and Stan to attach to a radio
MORT: But I don't understand. Does protoblood reanimate
just specially converted dead flesh, like Kai's, or all types of dead
STAN: Look, I don't know. All that protoblood stuff was done in secret
on the Cluster. Why don't you ask Kai, maybe he knows
MORT: There - we're
XEV: 790? 790, this is Xev. Can you hear me? Come
(But there's no answer)
XEV: 790? Are you there? This
is Xev, come in. Answer me, robot head
790: I'm here. Where's Kai?
Oh, it's really you. Listen, things went horribly wrong in Prime Ridge, you have
to help us
790: I don't have to do anything - except get icky licky sticky
with my long gone daddy
XEV: We're being chased by the police forces and
they're closing in. They're gonna kill us!
790: Sounds good so far
But they'll get Kai too. He's almost out of protoblood, he's helpless
horror! Put Kai on to confirm your story and command me to assist you
can't, he's out of it
790: Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. Maybe he's there,
maybe he's not. Maybe you're a lying bitch - certainly you are
she's telling the truth. Now look, you gotta help us right away or it's over for
all of us, including Kai, forever - got it?
790: I don't trust you, security
guard. Until I talk to the dreamboat of death, you can lap my
(790 disconnects. Stan gets cross)
STAN: I hate
him! I hate him! I hate him!
XEV: Yeah, but I guess we have to do what he
says, we have to thaw Kai out enough so that he can talk to 790
all go back down to the basement)
STAN: So let me get this straight
- you pump the preservative fluid into the dead people, but you're not trying to
bring them back to life or anything, you're just trying to do it for
MORT: It's for the family, so that they can mourn
STAN: What's to
mourn about a sack of pickled flesh?
MORT: Oh no
have a viewing in a half an hour. I'll need your help now
XEV: But Kai -
MORT: Will have to wait. We'll thaw him later
STAN: But what about -
what's a viewing? We - hey -
(Stan and Xev follow Mort upstairs. He
changes into a suit, and gives them black robes to put on over their
STAN: You know, I don't get it. Why don't they just fire
them off into a protein bank like we did at the Cluster?
XEV: I don't
(Mort offers them a plate of food)
MORT: I have been
such a poor host. You must be starving
STAN: Hell, yeah
MORT: May I offer you some nice sausage?
(Mort goes to cut some sausage - and cuts Xev's finger
MORT: I am so sorry, sorry, let me clean that
(Mort carefully wipes the blood off - and puts it into a
small container. Then cars arrive outside)
MORT: That must be the
family. I must return to the mortuary and attend to the dead one. Can I leave
you to attend the family?
STAN: What exactly do we do?
MORT: Very little.
You have to offer them comfort, answer any questions they have, and that's all
(takes Stan's hat off) I mean, they'll hardly notice you. They'll
mainly be gathered around the casket doing the whole boo hoo hoo thing
MORT: Expressing their grief
(Mort goes downstairs. Xev
opens the door. In come two men and a woman, crying)
STAN: Hey folks, come on in. The old lady's laid out over there in the
box. She's all drained and preserved, just the way you wanted. Just come on over
and do your boo hoo hoo thing to your heart's content
(Stan and Xev
lean on the end of the coffin - the top half is open, so they can see the woman
STAN: So how old was she when she finally blasted off? Looks
like about a hundred standard years to me - you know, that's a nice long run.
You must have a lot of memories invested in the old skin sack
that's no way to talk!
XEV: You must excuse him. Did she have
a happy life?
(The grieving woman nods, and cries)
She must have had a lot, a lot, a lot of sex then. The happiest people are the
ones who get to do it all the time, right?
(Downstairs, Mort is
checking Xev's blood under a microscope)
MORT: A positive, A
positive, please be A positive - no, no no!
(He knocks equipment to
the floor in frustration)
MORT: Still - all is not
(He sticks a big needle into Kai. Upstairs, the viewing is going
from bad to worse)
XEV: Did she have a husband who satisfied her
regularly, or did she have to do it with anyone who came along? I mean, that's
fun too, right? What was her favourite position?
STAN: Would you like some
sausages? They're fresh
(This doesn't seem to console the poor woman,
(Mort squirts some protoblood onto an eyeball in a dish. The
eyeball starts to move around)
MORT: Yes, yes!
back to Kai to get some more - then Xev grabs him)
Please, I only need a little!
XEV: He's only got a little
MORT: But you
don't understand, it's my only chance for Deedee!
XEV: Who's Deedee?
The only woman I've ever loved
(Xev lets go of him)
I thought you loved me, the way you keep staring at my breasts
MORT: I did
love your breasts, but they're wrong, all wrong
XEV: Wrong, how so?
No, they're perfect, but they're incompatible with Deedee's blood type - in
fact, I couldn't determine your blood type at all
XEV: That's because it's
part Cluster lizard. Where's Deedee?
MORT: I'll show you
into the freezer - Xev with a blanket wrapped around her)
Close the door. This is Deedee. Isn't she beautiful?
(He uncovers a
body - well, most of a body - minus breasts, some skin, etc.)
This - she is your girlfriend?
MORT: Not officially. I never declared my love
for her in life. Deedee loved everybody, but nobody loved her back - even though
she had an open legs policy towards every guy in town - except me. She hated my
guts like everybody else. Dirty Deedee they called her - but I never stopped
dreaming about her. And then one day six years ago I decided I simply had to
tell her what was in my heart, no matter what the consequences. I went to the
farm where she lived. I walked round back and there she was - a vision of
loveliness. I almost chickened out again, but I couldn't. This was the moment of
(As he speaks, there are flashbacks - Deedee lying in a field
of long grass, listening to music on headphones - a tractor coming closer - Mort
yelling - Deedee screaming)
MORT: Deedee's body was sliced to
pieces, but there was one blessing among the carnage
flashback, he holds up her head)
MORT: My beloved's head was still
in one piece. Hope was alive, alive. Acting fast, I threw her head into a cooler
until I could return home and pack it in dry ice. Since then I have been
carefully rebuilding her to even better than she was before. I have been
secretly culling the finest body parts from corpses over the years, and that's
where you would come in
XEV: You wanted my breasts for Deedee?!
Flawless breasts were one of the last parts Deedee needed, and your perfect orbs
would have been ideal, but they were the wrong blood type
XEV: I don't think
you're well. And even if she were to come back alive right now, do you think
she'd like you better than before?
MORT: I love her more than life, beyond
death, and when my reanimation finally succeeds, I know that she will come to
realise the same for me
KAI: Maybe, maybe not. The dead are messed
(Kai is standing by the freezer door. Xev goes to
XEV: Are you OK?
XEV: Mort was trying to steal
your protoblood and cut off my breasts for his - creature
MORT: She is not a
creature! She is my soul. And your blood is my only hope
KAI: Then you can
XEV: No, Kai
KAI: Take all you want
(Later. Mort has
put a wedding dress on Deedee, and is putting her tights on. Kai is on the
trolley next to hers)
XEV: Kai, you're making a big mistake, you
don't have any protoblood to spare
KAI: He does not require much, and expired
protoblood is of no use to me
MORT: Your generosity is overwhelming
Mort, if you stop this right now, I'll let you have a go with me. It's the offer
of your lifetime
MORT: Your generosity is also overwhelming, but I cannot
cheat on Deedee
KAI: And I cannot guarantee the results of the transfusion.
My flesh is decarbonised, hers is not. Anything could happen - or nothing at
MORT: I'll take my chances
(Stan comes downstairs - then sees
Mort with the needle)
STAN: Hey Mort, you got any more of those
sausages, they were really - whoa! What's all this? What the hell is
XEV: Stan - Deedee. Mort wants to bring her back to life
I always knew you were a bit off, but -
XEV: And he's using Kai's protoblood
to do it
STAN: Oh no no no no, forget that
(Mort sticks the needle
RADIO: This just in - after shooting three innocent people
in a case of mistaken identity this morning, the manhunt leader FBI Special
Agent Moss was quoted as saying "A tough break for them, but that's the price we
pay for law and order". It seems the fugitives are still at large.
Kai's awake and we have to contact 790 again
MORT: No pain?
KAI: Not in
the last 6000 years
STAN: OK, that's enough pal
(He pulls Mort
away from Kai. Mort injects the protoblood into Deedee)
back to me my love - come back to me
(Festus Trout is sneaking around
outside the building. He watches Xev get the transmitter, then he climbs in
through the window and aims his gun at her)
TROUT: Gotcha! Hold it
right there. Who are ya?
XEV: I'm - Deedee
TROUT: Oh yeah? I knew a Deedee
once. Where's Mort?
XEV: Not here. Can I help you?
TROUT: Yes you can. And
you can start by putting down that radio
(Xev puts down the radio -
and turns on the charm)
XEV: What seems to be the problem,
TROUT: Oh, I dunno. I'd say that one problem is that I recently saw
you dead in the mortuary. And another little problem - there's three fugitives
on the loose and one of them exactly matches your description. And a third
problem - your problem - you're under arrest
XEV: But I'm not a criminal! I'm
just a girl from another town, who almost died until Mr Mort revived me. He was
about to start embalming me when he saw that I was still alive (smiles
TROUT: Uh huh. And how did he revive you?
protoblood - but he didn't revive all of me
(She moves closer to
XEV: I bet you could
TROUT: What are you getting at?
You see, as I felt the life going out of me, I wanted to cry, because I knew I'd
never again get the chance to clamp myself onto a strong male body. I thought
about the thrill of hot sex, hot sex, and more hot sex for hours and hours and
days until I ached for one last stroke, one last lick, one last blast. The final
words I remember coming out of my full luscious mouth before everything went
dark were "I need a man" (pretends to cry)
TROUT: That's quite the
XEV: Want to give it a happy ending?
TROUT: Why, I -
wraps her hand around the barrel of his gun)
XEV: Please. You're so
big, and handsome, and big - and I need someone to protect me from those awful
TROUT: Well, I think the thing to do is to find them, ma'am, now
that's my job
(He puts his gun away)
TROUT: I'd love to
stay, I truly would, but I can't fornicate - er, fraternise, on duty but I'll
be, I'll be back as soon as my shift is over. You can count on that. Deedee -
I'll have you walking bowlegged
XEV: I can't wait (waves)
(He climbs out the window, goes back to his car, and gets
on the radio)
TROUT: No, I want to speak to the FBI officer in
charge of the case. No, you heard me - good!
(Xev takes the
transmitter downstairs. Deedee is still dead)
MORT: But I don't
understand, the transfusion is complete. Deedee. Deedee!
XEV: Kai, what state
are you in?
KAI: Right now I am fluly alert
XEV: OK, good, 'cause you have
to tell 790 to help us, otherwise he won't listen
KAI: I do will that for you
(Stan sets up the transmitter)
790, this is Xev, come in
KAI: He will listen to me
XEV: 790, stand by for
790: I'm here. Boy, your voice is grating. What do you want?
talk to 790, please. Kai -
(Kai passes out)
(Trout is on his
radio, trying to make a deal with the FBI)
TROUT: Now, following
good but tough police methods I nave managed to locate the Prime Ridge
fugitives. Well of course I'll hand them over to you - if I receive the correct
credit for the collar
(Downstairs, Mort is checking on
MORT: I think he warmed up too much
XEV: We can get him back
in the freezer, right?
(They wheel Kai back inside the
TROUT: You know, I was reading about you FBI state police
in the newspaper, doing this an that, well you heard me - you fat cat, know
nothing, city slicker. I'm the hero on this one, I want to be recognised for it.
I want approved press pieces, I want to check the photographs, everything. It's
my time now see, Mr FBI, my glory. I'll give you one hour to consider my offer,
then I'll get back to you, I want your answer on the table. Understand?
(Stan, Xev and Mort are sitting watching Deedee's body. Stan
puts his feet up on the trolley)
STAN: I don't think it's gonna
MORT: It must work. It has to
STAN: Whatever. Look - I gotta
get some sleep
XEV: Me too
MORT: Of course. You're right. It's time to
pack it in. Pack her back in the freezer
(Later that night, in the
freezer. Deedee suddenly sits up, mumbling. Kai gets up and looks at
KAI: Hello Deedee. Welcome back to life - in a
DEEDEE: Na na noo?
KAI: Mort will be pleased to see that my
protoblood has been able to reanimate you
wheels her trolley out of the freezer. Deedee catches sight of her reflection in
DEEDEE: No. Grr - yuck
KAI: Many would agree with you,
but Mort does not. He loves you
DEEDEE:(looks at chest) No t - t - t
KAI: Mort had his eye on a pair (he slumps over the trolley) but
they were the wrong blood type
(Next morning. Mort goes down into the
basement, and sees Deedee on the trolley. He falls to his
MORT: Deedee? Deedee! My Deedee. When I think of all the
times I watched you, looked at you, touched you - and now to have you alive, all
of you, you're - oh, Deedee. You're everything I hoped for, dreamed of
(Deedee wraps her legs around him, starts kissing
MORT: Oh, here I am. I'm yours, your creator, your
DEEDEE: Mort. Mort? - got Mort germs, got Mort germs!
MORT: Deedee? I
saved you. Please Deedee, no -
(Deedee starts strangling
KAI: Love is cruel, Mort
(Stan and Xev arrive in the
basement. Deedee leaves Mort, and walks towards them)
STAN: Kai, do something!
DEEDEE: Kill. Kill. Kill.
(Mort sprays Deedee with a fire extinguisher, freezing
STAN: We gotta get Kai back in the freezer
I think she needs more work Mort
MORT: This was just the first
(Stan and Xev put Kai in the freezer. Mort takes
MORT: Oh no! I have another viewing in an hour
(This time the deceased is a young girl.
Stan is putting flowers by the coffin, when he sees Mort heading for the door.
Stan takes his hat off, puts it in his pocket)
MORT: They're not perfect, but they're better than nothing, and at
least they're the right blood type, so - I culled her breasts. But now I have to
go out for more glue before they can be attached to Deedee
(Mort leaves - then Trout sneaks in, and aims his gun at
TROUT: You're busted, pal
STAN: Oh, me? No no, see - I'm a
relative of the dead guy, the dead girl here, and it's really awful about what
happened and so, er, I'm just here to do the boo hoo hoo thing before we fire
the poor young thing into the protein bank - into the ground
TROUT: Is that
STAN: Yeah, yeah, that's about it. So look, I'll be right back,
TROUT: Stay right there
STAN: Yeah, right here, yeah
XEV: I've been waiting for you
STAN: For him? Who is
XEV: A police officer. Who either wants to turn us in, or else become the
happiest man in the universe - right?
(She snuggles up to
XEV: You know, I was raised a love slave, and I can please you
in a way that only a love slave can
STAN: Oh yeah, I'd definitely go for the
love slave treatment
XEV: I'm the best you'll ever have, officer. And all you
have to do is let us slip out of town - after we slip out of each other
And love slaves are really good
TROUT: You know this town is crawling with
cops. There's choppers in the air, and dogs in the wood, and FBI men on every
corner. You take one step out of here and you're busted
(Xev is all
over him - rubbing his shoulders, his chest)
TROUT: But I guess I
got a little time to kill before I have to make a phone call, and it don't
matter much whether I spend it talking to you two here, or whether I spend it
alone with the young lady. So you - you go get your clothes off
(Some people arrive at the door)
STAN: There's a viewing - it's the family
XEV: Yeah, it's the
(She leads Trout away)
What are you doing?
(Xev shrugs, and leaves. Stan lets in the
mourners - mother, father, sister)
STAN: Hi folks. Please, come on
in. How're you doing? Not so good, huh? well, that's understandable in the
circumstances. Yeah, your family member's right over there. She's all there -
(Xev leads Trout into the basement)
Close your eyes
(She takes his hat off, blindfolds
TROUT: You like playing games, huh?
XEV: Oh yeah
Oh yeah. Oh you naughty girl. Hey, where are you?
(Xev opens the door
of the freezer - and out comes Deedee)
XEV: Over here,
TROUT: I got less than an hour, remember?
DEEDEE: It won't take
(She pushes him onto a trolley, gets up on top of
TROUT: Baby baby, you give me chills all over. Oh yeah. Oh
(Xev heads back upstairs, where Stan is trying to comfort the
STAN: Are you twins? Oh yeah, twins. Well, that's great.
Were you mistaken for each other a lot, you know, people thinking that she was
you, you were her, you know, that sort of thing? Maybe you forgot yourself
sometimes, huh? (laughs) What about boyfriends, did you sometimes date
her boyfriends, as sort of a joke? Maybe not as a joke
(Xev puts her
hand on Stan's shoulder)
STAN: Where's the guy with the gun?
STAN: With Deedee - oh
(Xev looks out the window -
there are police cars outside)
(Downstairs, things are coming to a
DEEDEE: You're hot, you're hot, you're hot
TROUT: I am
done. And now that I am done, I'm gonna turn you in anyway. I'm gonna claim my
DEEDEE: More, more, I want more
TROUT: I'm sorry, I'm only good
for one. I gotta go get famous
(Mort comes downstairs, turns on the
light - and Trout sees Deedee)
TROUT: Deedee? Deedee Figelshwick?
You're - she's dead. What the hell is going on here? This is
(He gets out his gun)
you rotten piece of work - what exactly have you got going on here?
Deedee's mine. What are you doing with her?
TROUT: Well, what does it look
like? My pants are down, she's spread across the table, like she always was.
What the hell is this? Deedee died
MORT: She's still dead
that explains why she was so cold at least. Look, I'm having a busy day. You two
stay right here. I'm gonna catch me a couple of fugitives, I'll be right back to
take care of you two
(Trout backs away - then sees the eyeball moving
around on the table)
TROUT: Stop in the name of the law or I'll
(The eyeball looks at him)
(Meanwhile, at the viewing
STAN: And you know, maybe, er, when you get over all this, you
know, maybe you and I could -
(The mother takes the girl away. The
father glares at Stan)
STAN: Bad timing, huh?
eyeball hops up the stairs)
STAN: You know, sometimes I, I see a
pretty girl, you know, and I just go a little bit crazy, I'm sorry. It's just
that, you know, your daughter here, not the dead one that is, she just
(Stan watches as the eyeball hops into the coffin, wriggles under
the dead girl's hair)
STAN: She seems to have an eye for
(The girl's sister slaps him. The mother slaps him. The father
punches him, and they leave. Stan looks at the eyeball)
suppose you wanna hit me too
(The eyeball bounces off his shoulder
and onto the floor. Trout arrives, and shoots it. Deedee staggers in and stands
in front of him, stroking her chest)
DEEDEE: Wanna ride my pony?
(And then she recognises him)
DEEDEE: Festus Trout! You
agreed to meet me. Meet me in the field!
(She holds her arms out to
TROUT: This is nuts. Now you stay away from me. I
gotta go get famous
(Stan looks on in horror as Trout shoots Deedee
five times - and then Mort plunges an embalming needle into his
MORT: She's mine
(He goes to Deedee. Xev arrives
XEV: Stan - quick, the radio
(Stan helps her
set up the radio)
XEV: 790? 790, come in
790: Oh, it's you
XEV: Quick, Kai - tell him to do what we ask for
KAI: 790 - do
whatever Stan and Xev ask
790: You melt me with that raspy tone. How are you
my love? I've missed you
XEV: Enough of that! We're in Rimsore, Ohio, and
we're surrounded by the police. You have to get them away from us so that we can
790: Is that all?
(790 broadcasts a message on the police
790: All units, all units. The suspects have left Rimsore
vicinity on a stolen tractor mower and are proceeding north by north-west toward
Tendercheeks county. Standby for the latest co-ordinates
Everyone is in the basement. Kai has collapsed on the stairs. Mort is looking at
Deedee, who is lying on her trolley)
RADIO: In Rimsore, the
excitement's over with. We hear the crooks are on the move, and so are the cops.
They've moved out lock stock and barrel and are heading up
(Stan breathes a sigh of relief. Xev switches off the
XEV: Mort - do you have a car we could use?
MORT: Yes -
there's a black hearse out back, the keys are in it. Take it - I won't need it
STAN: Thanks Mort - and look, sorry for your, your
XEV: Yeah, me too
MORT: Thank you. You'd better go
(They leave. Mort rests his head on Deedee's chest - and her
MORT: Deedee! You live! Oh Deedee, I'm so
sorry for everything that I put you through. Please don't hate me. I love
MORT: Deedee - it's the protoblood that's keeping you
alive, even with all the bullet holes, but they say that it won't last for long,
so I'm gonna put you back in the freezer and only bring you out when I really
feel like loving you
(Deedee sits up)
(She makes him lie down on the trolley, gets on
top of him, and puts her hands around his neck)
DEEDEE: I kill you
in the name of His Divine Shadow. Kill kill kill kill kill kill kill
(She strangles him, and them slumps down dead on top of
(Xev, Stan and Kai drive away in the hearse)
here we are Xev. Different car, same problem
XEV: We'll get through it Stan -
STAN: Or not
KAI: Or not
© Filking Fairy
© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana