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Lexx 4.16 Moss
(written by Paul Donovan, Lex Gigeroff)

(A hearse is driving along a country road. Xev is at the wheel, with Stan beside her, and Kai lying on the back seat)

STAN: Well, are we just gonna keep driving on until this car stops like the other one?
XEV: I'm open to suggestions - but I'd say we have to find one of those space shuttles that they use on this planet
STAN: Well, do you know where to find one?
XEV: Not exactly
STAN: Kai, do you remember where they keep those space shuttles?
KAI: (drowsy) Who would you like me to - would you like - me to like?
STAN: Well, he's not gonna help
XEV: His protoblood seems to be failing completely, Stanley. We have to get him back to the Lexx, soon
STAN: Well, I know! We should never have let Gordon and that stupid Skankita steal our moth
XEV: Oh yeah, was that my fault?
STAN: Well -
XEV: If we can't get Kai back to the Lexx then at least we have to find a new freezer to put him in
STAN: So you don't have a plan, we're just gonna go nowhere?
XEV: Yeah

(There are some road works ahead of them. A white van is nearby, and a man with a Stop sign)

STAN: Why are you stopping?
XEV: All the cars are stopping. They must want to ask that guy a question or something, I don't know
STAN: Oh boy, this is -

(Xev stops the car. The man puts his sign down, and taps on the hearse window. Xev winds it down)

XEV: What?
STAN: Look, could you please just get out of our way? We're in a hurry, OK?
MAN: This won't take long
STAN: What won't take long?
MAN: This!

(He points a gun at Xev's head. Stan gasps, puts up his hands. Xev just glares at the man)

MAN: FBI! Hands off the wheel, now!
STAN: Kai, Kai!
KAI: Wheel - the wheel - wheel
STAN: That's not gonna help, Kai
MAN: Now, lady

(Xev hisses, and pulls on the man's arm. He stumbles back into the road, and the gun drops to the floor of the car. Xev reaches for it, but Stan sees more FBI agents getting out of the white van)

STAN: Don't do it Xev, don't do it, don't do it!

(FBI agents surround the hearse, guns aimed. Xev slowly pulls her hand back away from the gun. Agent Moss gets out of the van and walks over to the hearse, shaking his dice. Xev puts her hands up)

STAN: Oh boy

(Stan and Xev, hands tied, are in the back of the white van with the FBI guys. Moss is in the front)

STAN: Look, whatever it is that you think we did, we didn't do it, OK? Look, we gotta get back to the Lexx, OK, because Kai's gotta get more protoblood

(Moss just plays with his dice)

STAN: Look, we'd go up there ourselves, except that this guy and his stupid girlfriend stole our moth

(Moss turns his head back and looks at them)

STAN: Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?
XEV: He smells familiar
STAN: Didn't we meet before, you know, some other planet or something? No?

(Yes, they did - episode 2.3 Lyekka. Moss says nothing, plays with dice. The van eventually stops in a quarry. FBI agents pull Stan, Xev and Kai out, stand them in front of the rocks - well, Kai is kneeling)

MOSS: OK gentlemen, over here - form a line (to agent) Gimme your weapon. Gimme your weapon!
XEV: Kai, you have to help us
STAN: Yeah, come on Kai, come on. Wake up, wake up, save us Kai!
KAI: Wakey wakey time
STAN: Xev, do that Cluster lizard thing on them
XEV: I'm tied up, and he's got a gun!
FBI: (to Moss) Sir, this is -
MOSS: I'm aware. I'm very aware. Gentlemen, I want you to turn around - you don't wanna see this
STAN: I can't watch either, I can't

(He puts his hands over his eyes, starts babbling)

STAN: Look, I'm Stanley H Tweedle, I'm captain of the spaceship Lexx, I'm an Ostral B hero, I fought against His Divine Shadow and the Divine Order, and I don't wanna die!

(The FBI agents turn away. Moss steps closer to Stan - )

STAN: Don't kill me!
XEV: Goodbye Stan

( - and Moss turns, and guns down the firing squad)

STAN: He - he -
KAI: We - he -
XEV: Shh!

(Moss leans over one of the dead agents, speaks into his ear)

MOSS: David sends his regards

(He walks back to Stan and Xev)

MOSS: OK, let's go. Hey, let's go!

(He points the gun at them. They help Kai to his feet)

STAN: OK, OK, OK. Come on Kai

(Moss takes off his FBI jacket and reverses it - now it's a camouflage jacket, with the logo AFR. He puts on a matching cap)

(In the White House, Bunny is chasing President Priest)

BUNNY: Woof woof!

(The phone rings, so Priest stops the game to answer it)

PRIEST: No no no no no, I'm not signing any bills today - and I don't care how many are piling up, I'm busy

(Bunny runs her hands down her body)

PRIEST: No - can't you give them to someone else to sign? Look, just use that rubber stamp thing with my signature on it and veto all the bills. No no no no no, I don't want to read them. Yes, that's right. Just use the stamp and veto them. Bye!

(He hangs up. They start chasing each other again)

BUNNY: You're it!
PRIEST: Yes, I am it

(They end up on the couch. Bunny wraps her legs around Priest)

PRIEST: Oh - I think my show's on. Let's watch TV

(He sits up)

PRIEST: It's so good not having Prince around anymore. I can watch television any time I want
BUNNY: Of course you can, silly - you're the President

(The channel flicks onto Vietnam: Party in the Jungle)

BUNNY: Hey, isn't that Vietnam?
PRIEST: I don't know, perhaps

(He looks shifty)

BUNNY: Weren't you hiding out in the jungle for 32 years or something?
PRIEST: Yes. 32 Long years. You know, I kept going by remembering my childhood - boy scout, apple pie, church strippers

(He fires a paper plane. Bunny looks confused)

BUNNY: You had naked women in your congregation?
PRIEST: Er - church, eh - (thinks fast) Strippers! Good good good

(Bunny hugs him)

BUNNY: Oh, it must have been terrible in the jungle. I want you to explore my jungle. Will you do that Mr President?
PRIEST: Oh yes, yes I will, yes yes yes yes

(He starts to kiss her, then holds her head away)

PRIEST: But we can't Bunnykins. We don't want to lose the key to the Lexx
BUNNY: Oh! This is so frustrating! I mean, who cares about the stupid key to the Lexx anyway? You're the President of the United States. Isn't that enough?
PRIEST: You are right. We have waited long enough

(He gets up, drops his trousers)

PRIEST: I am the President, you are the First Lady. We can do whatever we want

(Bunny grabs his tie)

BUNNY: I want you Mr President - right now
PRINCE: I want you too, Mr President - right now

(Prince is inside the television - sitting in the cockpit of a fighter plane in the show about Vietnam. He is dressed as the ruler of Fire)

PRIEST: My prince

(Priest pulls up his trousers, kneels before the television, kisses the screen)

PRIEST: You - you came back to life
PRINCE: No, not exactly. I think that I am truly dead - and yet here I am, on TV

(He smiles. The reception flickers)

PRIEST: How did you get there?
PRINCE: I'm not sure. I was killed by Kai on the Lexx, and the next thing you know - here I am. Funny, isn't it?
BUNNY: Huh! It sure is

(She lies down on the couch, cross)

PRIEST: Are you on all TVs, or just this one?
PRINCE: I think just this one, but I'm not sure. My signal's fading, Mr President. Stay tuned to this channel

(Prince holds up his hand for Priest to kiss)

PRIEST: Of course, of course. We will stay tuned to this channel
PRINCE: Oh, and one more thing Mr President - no hanky panky with honey bunny licky lips. We wouldn't want to do anything that would cause her to lose the key to the Lexx now, would we?
PRIEST: No, of course not, my prince
PRINCE: No. Cheerie bye

(He waves. His signal goes, and Vietnam - Party in the Jungle comes back)

PRIEST: Cheerie bye, bye bye

(He whispers to Bunny)

PRIEST: Don't worry, number one Bunnykins - we'll do some hanky panky later

(Meanwhile, back in the white van -)

STAN: So who's David?
MOSS: Shut up. (he thinks for a moment) David Koresh. He was a pastor of the Branch Davidian Church in Waco, Texas - until he was murdered by the Federal Government, April 19th, 1993
STAN: Look, are you gonna kill us too?
MOSS: You working for the Federal Government?
XEV: No, we're from a parallel universe
MOSS: Well, that's good - me too

(Moss laughs. Stan and Xev look at each other. The van stops near a wood. Camouflaged soldiers emerge from the grass. Moss salutes)

MOSS: Remember Waco
GUARD: Forever

(The guard opens a hatch to an underground headquarters. Moss, Stan and Xev walk in - Kai is carried in. Everyone inside salutes Moss, who rattles his dice, then looks at Stan and Xev)

MOSS: Are you dangerous?
XEV: Sometimes
MOSS: (chuckles) I'm Field Commander Moss, of the American Freedom Rangers. Welcome to my headquarters. Now - how can I help you?

(He sits down at his desk)

XEV: You can get us a space shuttle so that we can fly back to the Lexx
MOSS: (rolls dice) I think that might be possible - but how can you help me?
STAN: What do you want?
MOSS: To destroy the beast that infects the government of this once proud land
STAN: What beast?
MOSS You tell me

(Stan is lost for words)

MOSS: The President. The Congress. And particularly the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, who controls the government from a secret underground bunker outside Washington DC

STAN: I've been there
MOSS: You have?
STAN: - as a prisoner!
MOSS: Will you help me?
STAN: Sign me up

(Moss throws him an AFR cap. Stan smiles)

(Later. Kai's head is sticking out from the top of a freezer. Stan is making adjustments, Xev is holding his tools for him)

MOSS: Why are you putting him on ice? Is he part fish?
STAN: No no no no, he just gets like this when his protoblood starts running low. But if you get his temperature down low enough, he works a lot better
XEV: Well, a bit better
MOSS: So, it's just the three of you. That's all?
STAN: Yep. Stan, Xev and Kai. Just the three of us. Er - but I'm not from around here, so I don't understand exactly who you are
MOSS: I'm Field Commander Moss of the American Freedom Rangers (holds up his FBI ID card) What's that card say?

(Of course, Stan and Xev can't read English)

MOSS: It says I'm Special Agent Moss of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. You see, on April 20th, 1993, I had a revelation. And that revelation told me to fight the beast from the inside. April 20th 1993 was the day after Waco. If you do the math, it makes sense

(He sits, rolls dice. Stan and Xev listen, baffled)

MOSS: April 20th 1993. April's what, the fourth month? 4 + 2 + 0, you get what? 6. Take the 93. Subtract 3 from 9 you get what? Your second 6. Take that 3, add it to the other 3, you get what? Your third 6. That's 666

(Stan and Xev are trying to follow this)

MOSS: I mean, you can go at it any way you want. April 20th 1993. 20. 1993. 2 + 0 + 1 + 9 + 9 + 3, and you get what? 24. Divide 24 by 8. 8 - that's the number of ranking Democrats in the House Judiciary Committee. And you get what? 3. Multiply 3 by 222 - James Earl Ray's hotel room number at the Excelsior, in Memphis, and you get what? 666. Again. You know what 666 means, don't you?

(Stan and Xev just look at each other)

MOSS: It's the number of the beast

(Xev whispers to Stan)

XEV: What's the beast?
KAI: Beast

(Meanwhile Gordon and Skankita, last seen in episode 4.14 Prime Ridge, have landed the stolen moth in a wood, and are enjoying a quiet smoke - until the arrival of some soldiers in white camouflage outfits - and the logo AFRIC)

GORD: Hey! Is this Idaho?
AFRIC: Yes it is
GORD: Totally excellent! We made it! Canada is, like, my favourite country. I love the tacky uniforms, like, totally dated - post retro, even. So - who are you guys anyway?
AFRIC: American Freedom Rangers - Idaho Convention of 94. Not to be confused with the crazy old AFR. Who are you?
GORD: I'm Gordon, and this is my girlfriend Skankita
SKANK: We're drug addicts
GORD: Not to be confused with normal people
AFRIC: Why is Canada your favourite country?
GORD: Because - ! Drugs are legal here - I hate the States, man, they are like so uptight if you just, like, do lots of drugs
SKANK: Like we do

(Gordon slowly realises that something isn't quite right here)

GORD: Drugs are legal on Canada, right?
AFRIC: We wouldn't know
GORD: Why is that?
ARFIC: Because Idaho is one of the United States of America - drug boy
GORD: Oh. I did not realise that. Wanna buy some crack?

(The rangers look at each other - then open fire on Gordon and Skankita)

(Back at AFR HQ, Moss is now using a blackboard to explain his theories. Stan and Xev are sitting on stools, bored out of their minds)

MOSS: Take the 1 from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Split it in half. Take the two halves. Now, attach them to the two zeros. What have you got?

(Stan and Xev have no idea)

MOSS: 666 Pennsylvania Avenue. Coincidence? I don't think so! There are no coincidences, my friends. Fact 1 - a seemingly stupid, but in fact criminally clever Vietnam vet MIA is elected President. Fact 2 - a female real estate agent from Miami is made Pope. Fact 3 - alien carrots invade the Earth. Fact 4 - Mars and Venus disappear from the night sky without a trace or an explanation. Fact 5 - well, you know what Fact 5 is
STAN/XEV: 666?
MOSS: No! Fact 5 is you. Aliens having truck with the ATF, the Pope, and the White House
STAN: No, no, no (he stands up) Look, listen pal, I'm not a hundred percent with you on anything that you're saying here, but it's clear that you are a rebel, and you should know, that Stanley H Tweedle has always been on the side of rebels and heretics
MOSS: So what you doing having truck with Isambard Prince of the ATF?
STAN: I am not having truck with Isambard Prince!
MOSS: You know Isambard Prince, don't you?
STAN: Well yeah, unfortunately
MOSS: Well, doesn't he sound like an English guy to you?
STAN: Yeah, I suppose
MOSS: It's a well known fact that all English are homosexual. It is also a well known fact that all homosexuals lie. So the head of the ATF is a liar. Am I right?
XEV: Not anymore
MOSS: No? Why?
XEV: Kai killed him
MOSS: Kai killed who?
XEV: Him
STAN: Isambard Prince

(Stan walks to Kai's freezer, puts his arm around it)

STAN: Kai killed Isambard Prince

(Moss rolls his dice - and gets 6 and 1)

MOSS: Lucky

(The White House. Bunny is sitting on the couch, Prince is sitting in front of the TV. Both bored out of their minds - possibly because the TV is showing Living Kai's Henry V)

BUNNY: I can't watch this anymore. Let's just make love
PRIEST: I want to, Bunnykins, you know I do. But Prince might see us
BUNNY: That's not Prince, that's a TV. We could turn it off and never ever turn it on ever again if we wanted to

(The phone rings, Priest answers it)

PRIEST: Why are you disturbing me? You know I don't take calls anymore. Not from the UN, not from the Pentagon, and especially not from the FBI, so just tell him to have a bad day and stay away from - Who?

(He puts his hand over the phone, whispers to Bunny)

PRIEST: The FBI says Stanley Tweedle is trying to call. Oo - what message do they say they have from Isambard Prince? And are you sure he said Isambard? Umm - you know Isambard is away on a special mission... Yes yes of course they can come here. Umm, very good. Please arrange it

(He hangs up)

PRIEST: What's the FBI?
BUNNY: Umm - the Federal Bureau of, umm - Intoxication! I think
PRIEST: Mm hmm. What do they do?
BUNNY: I think they go after whiskey smugglers, from Canada

(AFR HQ. Moss is on the phone)

MOSS: Yes, Moss, yes. Excellent. Remember Waco

(He hangs up, rolls his dice)

MOSS: We're in

(Stan and Xev laugh, and salute)

(The White House. President Priest is on the phone again)

VOICE: Stan and Xev are here to see you
PRIEST: Yes yes, good good, send them in right away
VOICE: And the FBI agent?
PRIEST: Yes, him too (hangs up, looks at Bunny) They are here

(Stan and Xev enter, followed by Moss, who is wearing his FBI outfit)

BUNNY: Hi Stan
XEV: Hi Bunny, Mr President
BUNNY: Where's Kai?
XEV: In the freezer. He's running low on protoblood and isn't working well, so we didn't bring him

(Moss walks over to Priest)

PRIEST: Hi. You must be the FIB agent - Mosley, was it?
MOSS: Moss
PRIEST: You did a good job in bringing them to me. Yes yes - a very good job (he walks away) Thank you, you can go now
MOSS: On your knees

(Priest turns and looks at him, laughs)

PRIEST: Excuse me?!
MOSS: On your knees, Mr President
PRIEST: Oo. Are you, err...?
PRIEST: (laughs) No, no, not really?

(Priest looks at Stan, who is smiling and nodding)

PRIEST: You don't sound like Isambard
MOSS: I am Isambard Prince. You are my servant. Kiss my hand

(Priest does as he's told)

BUNNY: Is he Prince?
STAN: Yeah
XEV: In a different body
STAN: Yeah, I mean who would have thought that Prince could come back as somebody else on this planet too?
BUNNY: But - Prince is in the TV - isn't he?
PRIEST: Of course he's Prince. He was in the TV before and now he's here with us. Here he is, Prince, the ruler of the planet - Water
MOSS: Water?! Are you trying to test me?
PRIEST: Oh no no no, of course not my prince. It was just a little slip, that's all, I meant of course to say the planet Fire. You are my prince. All him, all the time
BUNNY: I don't think he is Prince
XEV: Why not?
BUNNY: I don't know. I just don't think he's Prince
MOSS: You doubt I am who I am?!
PRIEST: Of course you are you
MOSS: I am to dominate!
PRIEST: And I'm to obey
MOSS: All the time!
PRIEST: In every way
MOSS: Whatever I say!
PRIEST: Every day
MOSS: My wish -
PRIEST: - is my command
MOSS: My desire -
PRIEST: - is my every instruction

(Prince sinks to his knees, kissing Moss's hand)

MOSS: Good. Good. Stop

(He shakes Priest off, then sits down behind his desk)

PRIEST: It's so good to have you back, my prince. What bad things should we start doing?

(Bunny sits down on the couch. Xev and Stan sit either side of her)

MOSS: It's good to be back. But I don't think that anyone will recognise me as Prince in this body. I don't think they'll grant me any authority, so - I think that what we need is for you to write an executive order authorising this body, which goes by the name of Moss, as the new head of the ATF

(Cars drive into the ATF secret bunker. Moss, Xev and Stan go into Prince's office - guards wheel Kai in, still in his freezer)

MOSS: The belly of the beast

(Moss reverses his jacket to the AFR side)

XEV: Kai, are you OK now?
KAI: (sleepily) OK.....OK
STAN: I don't think it's cold enough
MOSS: As the new director of the ATF, my first order of business is that if any of you know or hear of any ATF officer talking like an English guy, you know, using an English foreign accent - they're to be eliminated
ATF: Yes sir
MOSS: Second order of business is to deal with the most disloyal, lying, betraying, terrorist organisation in this country. I'm speaking of course of the American Freedom Rangers Idaho Convention of 1994. Not to be confused with the AFR originals, who are all dedicated patriots
STAN: Well I'm confused. What's the difference between American Freedom Rangers here, and American Freedom Rangers in - someplace else?
MOSS: The difference? The difference is that we are the AFR, and they are the AFRIC! Could it be any clearer?

(Stan looks confused. Moss walks up to him)

MOSS: The difference is that we are Americans, and they are Pharisees. The difference is that we fight for the freedom of the individual, and they are splittists!
STAN: Oh, splittists! Oh, right
MOSS: This is the exact location of their headquarters. I want you to find them, hit 'em hard, take no prisoners. Understood?
ATF: They will be eliminated, sir

(The ATF agents salute and leave. Stan leans on Moss's desk)

STAN: OK - what about the space shuttle? You know, the little thing that flies around in space that you said you would get for us if we helped you out - which I think it's more than fair to say that we have done
XEV: We want to get off this planet and return to the Lexx - now
MOSS: We're going to that right away, but in a modified version
XEV: What do you mean?
MOSS: Well, the third order of business has changed from getting you a space shuttle, to getting you an AFR court martial
STAN: OK - what's an AFR court martial?
MOSS: It is a proceeding run by a group of fair minded men to determine the guilt or innocence of anyone accused of being in the service of the beast
STAN: No no no no no no no. You gave your word you would get us a space shuttle
XEV: Yeah, what is all this stuff about honour and everything if then all you do is go ahead and break your deal?
STAN: Yeah! We helped you out, we gave you all the information you needed to convince the President that you were Prince!
XEV: You have to help us, you agreed
STAN: Yeah!
MOSS: As an American, I'm honour bound to keep my word
XEV: Hmm?
MOSS: But you're aliens, you're not Americans. And there's no code on Earth that obliges me to keep my word to you two

(Stan stands up, not surprised by this turn of events. Xev hisses, and goes to grab Moss, but he slides back on his chair. The guards aim guns at Xev)

MOSS: Cuff 'em
STAN: You can't do this to us!
XEV: He just has, Stan

(The guards handcuff them, and march them out. Moss walks over to Kai, whose vision is a bit blurry)

MOSS: Feeling better?
MOSS: Hey, you finally answered a question. Who are you?
KAI: My name... my name is... is.. my name is?
MOSS: Go on, son
KAI: Who would you kill me to lick, me?
MOSS: Good
KAI: Good
MOSS: Good
KAI: Good
MOSS: I think you're ready to stand trial
KAI: Good
MOSS: I was worried, we were gonna have to put it off but I think you're ready to go right away
KAI: Good
MOSS: And it'll be a proper trial - not one of those typical legal circuses that clog the courts of America, no, and when it's over you'll have a quick and honourable death, a soldier's death. Bullet to the heart - none of this lethal injection nonsense
KAI: Nonsense

(Moss walks away)

(In the White House, Priest hits the TV. Bunny is doing some aerobics)

BUNNY: Are you sure it's Prince?
PRIEST: Yes Bunnykins, I'm sure of it
BUNNY: One hundred percent sure?
PRIEST: No, not exactly one hundred percent, but it doesn't matter
BUNNY: What do you mean, it doesn't matter?
PRIEST: What I mean is that it really doesn't matter in the end whether it's Prince or not. It's just a lot better for me, for you First Lady Bunnykins, and for the presidency to have someone in charge again

(He kicks the TV)

(Moss is listening to speaker phone in Prince's office)

MOSS: Did we eliminate all the AFRIC terrorists?
VOICE: Sir, we raided their headquarters with a strong force as you ordered. We did manage to eliminate the bulk of them
MOSS: And by bulk we mean - ?

(Stan and Xev are wheeled in, in cages)

VOICE: Well - a few managed to escape by an unusual means
MOSS: An unusual means?
VOICE: Sir, they evaded us in some kind of weird flying bug thing
MOSS: Weird flying bug thing?

(Stan looks at Xev)

VOICE: Yes sir
MOSS: Well, here's what we do, captain. We round up all our weird flying bug exterminators. We put together a weird flying task force, and we hunt those terrorists down. Eliminate them - all of them
STAN: Hey, hey look. I know that you don't think that we're rebels, but really we are. See - look, I was an assistant deputy backup courier for the Ostral B heretics fighting against His Divine Shadow. And then after that, I was a security guard class 4 on the Cluster, so look, is there some kind of an assignment, you know, that you might want me to do? Well, I can be pretty flexible you know, it doesn't matter, whatever you want me to take on -
XEV: Give it up Stan! He wants to kill us and I don't think he will change his mind

(OK, complicated bit coming up. During Stan's speech, Moss was putting some props on his desk - judge's wig, top hat, glasses. For the next scene he does quick changes to play the parts of judge (wig), prosecutor (top hat) and defence (glasses). He puts on the wig, bangs gun on his desk like a gavel)

JUDGE: This court martial is now in session
PROS: Your honour, we live in a sick, I say, a sick society. This once proud land is riddled with noxious disease from top to bottom. There's body odour in the body politic. There's a head cold in the head of state. We must purge the corrupted organs. And when you look on these defendants (points at Stan and Xev) you see the social dis - ease
STAN: Hey hey hey hey - I got no social disease, buddy!
XEV: We just want to get off this planet
PROS: My dear young lady, I would be delighted, I say delighted to be able to execute your wish -
DEFE: Ah, your honour, objection, objection your honour. It's not the part or the place of the prosecution to pass sentence. And if I were you your honour I'd take umbrage, I'd take a lot of umbrage (spreads his arms) I'd take this much umbrage. Under the constitution my clients are presumed innocent until proven guilty
PROS: Well I would never, never deprive these clients of their constitutional rights - even if they are aliens. Even if they did blast two of my personal favourite planets out of the night sky. What did you do to Mars and Venus?!
XEV: What are Mars and Venus?
PROS: Oh, they're planets numbers 2 and 4 in the solar system. Numbers which even an alien must realise add up to 6!
XEV: I don't remember blowing up any planets in this system except Fire and Water - so that means we did not blow up Mars and Venus
PROS: Well, who did? This space junkie here, this punksicle?
DEFE: Objection your honour - if he ain't gonna make sense, that's one for the defence
JUDGE: Objection sustained. By the way, Mr Defence - you're a good looking man. Mr Prosecutor, you may proceed with caution
PROS: Stanley Tweedle, did you ever blow up any planets in this system?
STAN: No, I never blew up any planets in this system! Except for, you know, maybe one - thing, that probably wasn't a planet anyway
PROS: Would you share with us?
STAN: Well, when I was just testing the Lexx's weapon, you know, just target practice, I did blow up this, this one lumpy thing, it was really far away, I think you call it Pluto?
PROS: Your honour, the defendant has confessed to plutocricide!
DEFE: Objection your honour - he's not on trial for plutocricide
PROS: Well maybe he should be
DEFE: Oh yeah?
PROS: Yeah!
DEFE: Says who?
PROS: Says me
DEFE: And who are you when you're at home?
PROS: Maybe you should ask your momma
DEFE: You run your mouth, you going south
PROS: It's lucky the defendant is charged with blowing up planets, not blowing up oranges
DEFE: Well, if he blew up an orange - objection, your honour!
PROS: If you can't do the rhyme, don't do the crime
JUDGE: Objection sustained
STAN: Just listen, will you just listen! We didn't blow up any planets in your solar system - except maybe Fire, Water, maybe Pluto - because we couldn't
JUDGE: And why is that?
STAN: Because we lost the key to the Lexx a long time ago, that's why we're still hanging around your stupid planet! We can't get our ship to fly away, we can't get our ship to do anything, including blowing up planets, and we can prove it!
JUDGE: Perhaps you could try
STAN: OK. President Priest knows that we don't have the key. Ask him
DEFE: The defence calls President Priest. President of the United States

(The White House. Priest is throwing paper planes, Bunny is sitting in front of the TV. An image flickers for a second - Prince, against a background of flames)

BUNNY: I saw him!
BUNNY: Prince! He was there, for a second on the TV

(Priest gets another phone call)

PRIEST: President Priest. Oo. Yes yes, of course. Tell him I'll come right over (to Bunny) It's the boss. I mean Prince. I have to go over to his office. I won't be long

(Bunny blows him a kiss as he leaves - and Prince appears on the screen, peering out. He mouths Bunny?, then flickers off again. Bunny hits the screen)

(Back at the court martial, Kai's freezer has been wheeeled in)

PROS: Feeling better?
KAI: My temperature has dropped, I'm feeling more myself, yes, thank you

XEV: Kai, I want you to use your brace, soon
PROS: Tell me son - what is this brace thing? You use it to shoot down planets, or to kill people, or to peel oranges?
KAI: I have k-k-k-killed... I have k-k-k-
PROS: Aw, spit it out son. Are you a killer or a k-k-k-kabuki dancer?
KAI: I have killed mothers ... I have killed proud young mothers. Old. Good old mothers ... evil mothers
PROS: Please, son - raise your hand when you come to the end of that sentence

(Moss goes to Xev's cage)

PROS: Now - Xev, is it?
XEV: Mm hm
PROS: Why, I said why, are there 3 of you?

(Xev beckons him closer, speaking slowly and clearly, as one does to an idiot)

XEV: There are 3 of us, because that is the number we are. If you divide it by 1, it is still 3, because there are 3 reasons why you should let us go. The first one is, that we have not done anything to you. The second one is, that all we've ever tried to do, is get off this planet. And the third one is, that you are unstable in the head (Xev makes the international sign for crazy) and it would be best for all if you just turned yourself in to the protein bank
STAN: Yeah, that's telling him Xev!
PROS: Your honour, the defendant is casting aspersions, and I submit, your honour, it's not coincidence that they are 3 in number. For if you square 3, you get 9. If you subtract 3 from each of the 9, you get 666. They are 3 in number because they are in the service of the Antichrist!
XEV: Stan, what rhymes with nut head?
STAN: Butt head?

(AFR guys enter. Moss puts on his AFR cap, salutes. One of them whispers something to him, then they salute and leave)

MOSS: What did you say happened to your moth ship?
XEV: It got stolen
MOSS: By who?
XEV: By Gordon and Skankita
MOSS: It was last seen in Idaho, heading west

(Priest enters the office)

MOSS: Mr President

(Moss salutes. Priest kisses his hand, salutes)

PRIEST: I'm here to answer questions with the whole truth and nothing but the truth (whispers) in whatever way you want, my prince
MOSS: That won't be necessary. As the judge of this court martial it is my duty to render fair and impartial judgement on all who come before me. Unfortunately, something more important's come up, so - guilty as charged, you'll be shot by firing squad, court is dismissed! Goodbye

(Guards wheel Stan and Xev outside)

XEV: No! You can't do that
STAN: I can be a ranger, I can go on missions, I can be a good ranger! I never liked Idaho! I don't - oh, don't kill me!

(Moss looks at Priest)

MOSS: What's the date?
PRIEST: I don't know, umm, it's on the tip of my tongue but I forget
MOSS: It's the 6th. And what time is it?
PRIEST: Oh, it's afternoon

(Moss checks his watch)

MOSS: It's 6 minutes after 6, on the 6th day. Mr President, there are no coincidences (to guards) Shoot him too
PRIEST: No no no. Please my prince. Don't I get a trial?
MOSS: You don't deserve one - and frankly, I'm exhausted
PRIEST: (kneels) But my prince, you know that I will always do whatever you say, and that I am your loyal servant
MOSS: You fool. I'm not Prince. I'm Field Commander Moss of the American Freedom Rangers

(Moss leaves. Priest and guards follow)

(The White House. Bunny is asleep on the couch. Prince is tapping at the inside of the TV screen)

PRINCE: Bunny, wake up
BUNNY: Prince! You're there on the TV
PRINCE: Yes, I'm here. Not so much on TV as in TV, but nevertheless I am here. Now Bunny listen carefully
BUNNY: Why, what's the matter? Is the President in trouble?
PRINCE: Yes, the President is in trouble, and the presidency is in trouble. There was a silly little trial going on over at ATF headquarters and it's gone off the rails, so to speak. I was not at all concerned that Stan and Xev might be executed, but it might inconvenience me if the President - whom you love, so dearly - were to get shot, and that is what will happen unless you do exactly as I say
BUNNY: I love the President - and I love the presidency (she stands) And I will do whatever you say (salutes)

(The stolen moth is now being flown by the surviving members of the AFRIC. Bunny appears on the view screen, reading from a script)

BUNNY: Hello there. I am First Lady Bunny, wife of President Priest. I think you know who Field Commander Moss of the American Freedom Rangers is, don't you? And I bet you'd like to know where he is, so you can (she makes a fist) talk - with him, or - whatever (smiles) So, Field Commander Moss is now the new head of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, which is located in a secret underground headquarters, just outside of Washington. You can't see it very well from the ground, but from the air it's easy to spot because it has a big oil tank with a big hole - in the top. So, you know, things like helicopters, or flying moths can get down inside. So go on down and say(fist) hi, to Field Commander Moss. You know, for your country

(The moth changes course)

(Once again, Stan, Xev and Kai are lined up against a wall in front of a firing squad)

STAN: Xev, do that Cluster lizard thing now
XEV: How?

(Moss is shaking his dice. Priest is pushed into line beside Stan. Moss walks in front of them)

MOSS: I could have had you shot by 6 men - but I chose 7, because 7 is the number of - luck
STAN: This doesn't feel like luck
MOSS: Your deaths will be carried out in a manner befitting those involved in the struggle - even though you were on the wrong side. But - enough. Any last requests?
PRIEST: Yes, me - please don't kill me, I'm the President of the United States
MOSS: We're killing you because you are the President of the United States
PRIEST: Oo. Then as President - I grant myself a full pardon for all my crimes
MOSS: (laughs) Right

(Moss stands aside)

MOSS: At arm
STAN: No, wait - I got a request
MOSS: Yeah?
STAN: Yeah. Kill Kai first
XEV: Yeah, I request that too. Kill Kai first, and then when he's dead - then kill us

(Moss walks up to Kai)

MOSS: You got a problem with that?
KAI: No. No way no. No problemo
MOSS: Fine. Him first

(Moss steps back)

MOSS: Ready. Aim. Fire

(The firing squad shoots. Moss inspects Kai's freezer)

MOSS: Hmm. There's only 6 holes. The beast is upon us

(He turns, as the moth descends through the hole in the roof. The AFR see the AFRIC get out)

MOSS: The Idaho Convention. I knew it. Gentlemen - follow me!

(The shoot-out begins. Stan, Xev and Priest hide behind Kai's freezer)

MOSS: Splittists!

(Moss is the last man standing. He counts his bullet wounds)

MOSS: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

(A dying AFRIC shoots him)


(Moss falls, salutes)

MOSS: Remember Waco

(He dies)

XEV: All right, let's go

(Xev and Stan wheel Kai's freezer away. Priest is cowering, looking at the bodies)

PRIEST: I think I'll get back to the White House now

(Alarms start to sound, as Xev flies the moth away. Stan looks at his handcuffs)

STAN: Look, I mean we should have blown up that planet when we had the chance
KAI: Blow that planet

(He falls back)

XEV: We'll get our chance

(The moth flies to the moon)

© Filking Fairy

© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana

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