Lexx 4.20 Apocalexx Now
(written by Paul Donovan, Lex Gigeroff)
(Black and white stock footage of the Vietnam war, then a
VOICE: Corporal Harrison Birdie
BIRDIE: When this war's over for me? Well, I hope to be
spending all of my time looking after my little girl
BOGIE: Private First Class Roland Bogie. I don't know what
exactly I wish for after the war - but I know I'm still gonna be protecting and
serving the red, white and blue
(Another soldier - Eagle, who looks a
lot like Root, from Boomtown 3.4)
EAGLE: Sergeant Dwayne Eagle. When
I'm through with this war - well, I guess I'll just still wanna be with my
(Out in space, the big asteroid is moving closer to Earth. A
probe leaves it - looks like a metallic conker with a tail. It flies onto the
Lexx, has a look at the bridge, and 790, who is tied up. It flies down a
passageway, looks at Xev, moves onto the cryochamber, past Kai, and into Stan's
bedroom. Stan is sweating, having a nightmare - he's running through trees, with
animal noises behind him. He stops, shocked)
(Lyekka is in the dream, wearing grey/red crop top, baggy
trousers, and a hat that looks like a flowerpot. She opens her mouth wide - and
Stan wakes up screaming)
(Stan heads onto
the bridge, pulling on his uniform)
STAN: Hey, robot head - you
notice anything strange around here?
790: Yes - you
(He looks at the view screen)
STAN: Hey Lexx, what's
LEXX: It looks like an asteroid, captain Stanley
STAN: Well why's it
moving so fast? Asteroids don't do that
LEXX: Would you like me to blow it up
STAN: Yeah, I think that might be a good idea, just to be on the
safe side (onto pedestal)
790: It is an alien craft, disguised as an
asteroid, on its way to Earth
790: Presumably related to the
(The Lexx targets the asteroid. Stan looks at the view
screen, thinks. He goes to the cryochamber and wakes Kai)
up, wake up!
(Kai follows Stan, who shakes Xev
STAN: Come on, come on, wake up, wake up!
all go onto the bridge)
STAN: It's the mother carrot ship, it's on
its way to Earth
790: I vote for blowing it up. The aliens might develop an
interest in Kai
STAN: Yeah, I think we should blow it up too
gets onto the pedestal)
STAN: Why? Because it's gonna
wipe out everything on Earth
KAI: The aliens are predators. And a predator's
natural and normal behaviour is to consume other life forms
STAN: Oh no,
KAI: To consume other life forms is to act in accordance with its
STAN: well, I'm gonna act in accordance with my nature and blast it!
Xev, you got a problem with that?
STAN: OK, two out of three.
That's good enough for me
KAI: Three out of three. To consume other plants
and animals is natural and normal. But to scour a planet of all life, which
seems to be the carrot-asteroid agenda, is - unbalanced
XEV: Why do you care?
XEV: Just curious. For quite
a while now you've been saying that the Earth is a stupid planet
XEV: Well, then why are you so concerned about what happens to
(She walks up to him, puts her hands on the arm
STAN: OK Xev - it is a Type 13 planet, and it's in its last
stage, but I still don't think it should be eaten by aliens, I mean it's, it's
defenceless against them
XEV: I agree. But let me ask you this - why didn't
you just go ahead and destroy the asteroid? Why did you bother to wake us
STAN: I thought -
XEV: Can't you make decisions on your own, captain,
STAN: Are you saying that I'm afraid to make decisions?!
STAN: Ah! (he activates the template) OK Lexx, I order you to
(Lyekka enters from the passageway, dressed as she
was in Stan's nightmare)
you destroy my ship, you destroy me
(Meanwhile, down on Earth - or
rather just above it - Air Force One, the President's plane, is heading for
Vietnam. Inside, President Priest is struggling with his seat belt, while First
Lady Bunny is pacing around, wearing a skimpy, stars and stripes cheerleader
BUNNY: I don't understand why we had to come all this way to
Vietnam. I hate it!
PRIEST: I explained it to you Bunny - they won't let us
just sit around the White House all day everyday watching cartoons
Well why not?!
(She flops down onto a seat)
Because the President must be seen to be doing something
watching cartoons is doing something
PRIEST: Look, Bunnykins, I don't want to
be in Vietnam either, but it's important that a president keeps up appearances,
that he is seen as bold and decisive - some of the time
over and undoes his seat belt, then his zip. He does it up.)
PRIEST: Don't worry, Bunnykins (he slaps her bottom) I
mean, how long can it take to play 18 holes with the Pope? What is 18 holes,
BUNNY: I don't know. I've never heard of a game called 18 holes - and
whose holes, anyway?!
PRIEST: (laughs) We'll soon find out, won't we
honey bunny pookykins
(He pulls her onto his lap)
Oh Mr President - I'll go all the way for you
(She does up his seat
(The plane lands by the Khe Sanh Khuntry Klub. Helicopters hover
nearby. There are lots of golf caddies - and priests)
thought the Pope was a man
(It's Genevieve G Rota, dressed as the Pope - although
normally the Pope doesn't have crossed golf clubs embroidered on his
GENEV: Such an honour
holds out her hand)
PRIEST: It is, it is. And you are - ?
(whispers) She's the Pope
PRIEST: Oo, your excellency. What a
pleasure it is to meet you
(He goes to kiss her hand - which she
lowers to her crotch. Bunny pulls him back)
PRIEST: May I introduce
First lady Bunny?
(She does a little
GENEV: Bunny? As in wabbit? As in chocolate bunny, Easter
bunny, Playboy bunny? Hmm
(She puts her arm around Priest's shoulder,
walks with him)
GENEV: Can we call you Reginald?
PRIEST: Yes, of
GENEV: It is such an honour to meet you, Reggie
GENEV: Oh yes, of course! A little while ago you were a nothing, a
cypher, a zero, right? Now you are President of the United States of America.
You are the most powerful man in the world. And we - we are the Pope
(Bunny catches up with them, but Genevieve pushes her
away, and carries on walking with Priest)
GENEV: Life in the Vatican
can be so hectic, as you can imagine. We don't get out much. And when we heard
that you were coming back to Vietnam we thought, hey, why don't you show us
around, we can do that wine and dine thing, we could get to know one another,
you know, schmooze
PRIEST: I can't show you around, I don't know anything
about the place
(Bunny catches up with them behind a
GENEV: But you were missing in action for three decades,
hiding in a rat-infested jungle, were you not?
PRIEST: Oo, yes yes, of
(He rubs his 'wounded' leg. So does Bunny. And so does
GENEV: Aw, you poor thing
(She slides her hand
higher. Bunny slaps it, and pulls Priest towards her)
BUNNY: Poor Mr
(Genevieve pulls him to her)
GENEV: Poor, poor
(Bunny pulls him back)
BUNNY: Poor Mr
President my husband!
GENEV: Mr President, are we going to be able to squeeze
in 18 holes? or just 9?
PRIEST: (giggles) I suppose that depends on
First Lady Bunny - she's very very very very jealous, you know
giggles. Genevieve gets up onto the podium and looks at the audience seated in
front of her)
GENEV: Hello everyone. It's a real hoot to be here, to
bless this modern facility (she makes a fumbled attempt at the sign of the
cross) - amen. And it's an even greater hoot to introduce you to the
Commander-in-Chief of the number one real estate portfolio in the world. Ladies
and gentlemen, the President of the United States of America, Reginald J
(Priest and Bunny stand on the podium behind her. The audience
BUNNY: The speech they gave you, in your pocket
Oo, er - right
(He gets out the speech, starts to read
PRIEST: First off, let me say how proud I am to be here with you
today, especially Pope Genevieve the First, and of course everyone
(The audience claps politely)
PRIEST: As many of you
know, this isn't my first time in your beautiful (a mosquito bites him)
ouch! - your beautiful and troubled nation. I cannot help but hearken back to
the immortal words of General Douglas S McArthur who, in the darkest days of the
war when he was being forced out of the Philippine islands by the invading
Japanese eo eloquently stated -
(He drops his speech off the podium.
Bunny, Priest and Genevieve lean forward, look, lean back Priest decides to
bluff his way through the speech)
PRIEST: Um - you, um - you er -
bad, bad, Japanese people!
(Priest and Bunny giggle)
space, the asteroid passes by the Lexx. Meanwhile, on the bridge -
LYEKKA: My whole family is on that asteroid. If you destroy it,
you destroy us all
STAN: Wait a second now. You can't be Lyekka
LYEKKA: You are - Stanley
STAN: Whoa! Look, I know you can't
be Lyekka, so don't try to fool me
(Lyekka moves closer to
LYEKKA: I am a plant
STAN: Oh, here we go again
came into your dream. I saw a girl there who you liked very much -
LYEKKA: So I took her shape -
LYEKKA: So that I could talk
XEV: So you're a plant. Are you the same kind of plant
that Lyekka was?
LYEKKA: I am a plant. I am like Lyekka. But - I'm not the
exact same Lyekka. I am - a new Lyekka. I'm Lyekka's sister
(She smiles - and Stan is hooked)
STAN: Oh, like a
twin sister Lyekka?
LYEKKA: Like a twin sister Lyekka! (laughs) I
like you, Stanley. You smell good
(She snaps her teeth at him - he
jumps back, still smiling. Xev moves between them)
XEV: What do you
want, twin sister Lyekka?
LYEKKA: I'm hungry
STAN: That's a
(Lyekka flicks her tongue at Xev, who copies
STAN: She's Lyekka
KAI: What do you want to eat?
All the tasty things in that little blue planet
790: Told you
LYEKKA: We sent our carrot probes down to see if there were good things to
eat there - and there are. There are lots and lots of rich greasy tasty things -
especially people. And we have to eat. If we don't eat, we'll
(Lyekka looks at Stan. Xev stands between them)
So, you and your family plan to just go down to the planet and eat
LYEKKA: Everybody. And everything
STAN: Yeah, you
know now that I think of it, you know, it is a Type 13 planet in its last
STAN: Yeah, and you heard what Lyekka said, if she and
her family don't eat they're gonna die. That's natural
XEV: Oh, it's natural,
of course! Stanley, just a minute ago you were ready to blow up Lyekka's
asteroid and now suddenly it's OK?!
STAN: Well look, I - I'm just being more
open-minded, OK? Yeah, it is a stupid planet I mean, you know, so, so - why
should we care about it? And like - Lyekka being here, and hungry - you know,
(Kai moves closer to Lyekka. Stan moves
KAI: Eating everything on the planet is unbalanced. What would
you do afterward?
LYEKKA: Eat another tasty planet
XEV: Lyekka, we cannot
let you wipe out all life down there
KAI: And when the universe runs out of
planets, Lyekka will starve to death
LYEKKA: This universe has lots of yummy
STAN: You guys are being way too technical (gets up on
pedestal) Lyekka, look - as captain of the Lexx, the most powerful
destructive force in the two universes - I hereby grant you permission to chow
down on Earth
XEV: Sorry Lyekka, we
cannot allow you to eat the Earth - right Kai?
LYEKKA: But - we will die if
we don't eat
STAN: Did you hear that? She doesn't wanna die!
XEV: I know
Stan but what you're trying to do is wrong
LYEKKA: We don't have to eat
everybody and everything
STAN: You don't?
LYEKKA: No. We'd like to eat it
all, but we could just eat a small part of it
XEV: What small
LYEKKA: Our carrot probes found yummy places with fat and greasy and
delicious people. We could eat a small area and leave the rest
STAN: Now see
- that's what I call a true spirit of compromise
(He gets down from
the pedestal and holds Lyekka's hands)
STAN: Lyekka here is willing
to eat just a small part of the planet and not the whole thing. Now, that's not
being excessive and unbalanced, is it? No!
(Lyekka shakes her
STAN: Well, does it matter to you who you eat?
As long as they are - tasty
STAN: (laughs) Well, maybe there's a
simple way to work it out. Maybe Lyekka can agree with the people of Earth what
part of the planet they wouldn't mind her eating
XEV: And how would this
agreement be made?
STAN: well - I'm sure that Lyekka wouldn't mind getting
together with the leaders of the Earth and working something out, would you
LYEKKA: I would, Stanley, but - who are the leaders of the
(Lyekka looks at Xev, who looks at Kai)
Vietnam, President Priest is still giving his speech)
PRIEST: And so
I say to you, we send every last bad Japanese person back to -
(The audience looks very confused by all
PRIEST: Oo - which reminds me of a cartoon I saw just the
other day with First lady Bunny. There was this cat, you see, and he was all
dressed up like a Japanese warrior - you know, big sword and funny helmet.
(He mimes waving a sword)
mean a samurai
PRIEST: Oo, thank you. Anyway, he was chasing a mouse who had
a little white beard and a funny red white and blue hat - like the man in the
painting in the White House
BUNNY: Uncle Sam
PRIEST: Please, Bunny, not
now! Anyway, the cat swung his sword like this (he spins, laughing) but
he missed! And then the mouse pulled a gun out of his top hat and tied it to the
cat's tail and kaboom! (he laughs, then gets serious) But let me make
one thing perfectly clear. The mouse was ready for the Japaneseland cat every
time. Yes he was. Yes
(The audience is silent. A helicopter hovers
(Stan, Xev, Kai and Lyekka are in a moth heading for earth. 790
is on the view screen)
790: So, Kai-o-riffic, he's at the Khe Sanh
Khuntry Klub, Ho Chi Minh City in a country called Vietnam. I'm feeding the
(The moth flies over the golf course, parks beside
some golf carts. Everyone gets out)
LYEKKA: Where's the
XEV: It's hot here. Are you sure we're in the right place?
790 is unlikely to be wrong
STAN: Maybe he's in this building
(They go inside a garage)
STAN: We're looking
for the President, 790 says he's around here somewhere? Need to find
(Lyekka crouches down by a square in the floor. Muffled shouts
STAN: Well, they're not here, no-one's in
(Kai pulls back part of the floor covering and a bamboo grille
to reveal a pit full of men. And old guy in a ragged uniform gives a salute,
which Stan tries to return)
COL: Marine Colonel Delbert K Gore,
115th Air Cav. Serial number 542982. Semper Fi, sir
(Stan bends over
to talk with him)
STAN: Er, look guys - don't wanna interrupt
whatever kinda - you know, kinky party you guys got going on down there but
we're wondering if you might happen to know where Reginald Priest was?
He's supposed to be around here somewhere?
STAN: Maybe it's got something to
do with golf. Look, I'll tell you what - we'll just be on our way, OK? We'll
just leave you to it
COL: That uniform - is that some new type of special
STAN: No, no, this is from the Cluster - you know, the Light
COL: I was doing med evac in Da Nang in 68, and Charlie gets one lucky
shot and I spend the next thirty years in this stinking hellhole. We all got
XEV: Golf is one weird game, huh?
STAN: Yeah, so's this
COL: Yeah, a golf course, right - Charlie's got a sick sense of humour.
And all that time we're thinking about just one thing
COL: Evening the score with Charlie
STAN: Look pal, whatever the
score is OK, I think you should forget about your silly little game with
Charlie, because we are on a very important mission - we gotta find the
COL: The president? What president?
STAN: Of the United States.
He's supposed to be around here somewhere
XEV: With the Pope
captured the President and the Pope?! The godless commies have finally snuffed
out the light of liberty
(Xev kneels down)
XEV: Will you
help us find them?
(The men clamber out)
COL: Ma'am, I've
been in this stinking Khe Sanh for 30 years, but I'm still a marine. There's
just 6 of us left out of the original 94, but we still fight for the red white
and blue, don't we boys - yeah!
(He pulls out some guns, concealed
among golf clubs)
COL: We've been ready for this day for a long long
time. The only thing that held us back is we didn't have a ride home until today
(puts on helmet) Charlie made this POW camp look like a golf course,
but I'm sure of one thing
COL: Charlie don't
(The Colonel starts the marines singing)
COL: Ho Chi
Minh is a son of a bitch! Got the blue balls, crabs and the seven year
(They march out, singing. Stan looks
(Thankfully, Priest's improvised speech is drawing to a
PRIEST: And so I say to you, be careful how you eat your
cheese, around the Japanese - haiyonka miaow!
(The sound of singing
marines can now be heard)
(The marines open
fire. Caddies whip out machine guns and start firing. Bunny and Priest run
screaming. Helicopters start shooting. The audience run for their lives, and
Stan is swept away with them. Xev Kai and Lyekka walk on through the fleeing
people. The priests have guns too. Several of them stand guard around Genevieve,
who is smiling down from the podium)
(A helicopter moves closer. Kai readies his brace to protect
Xev and Lyekka)
(Explosions are going off left right and centre. Everyone
BUNNY: Mr President!
(Priest is running for
cover. Genevieve calmly walks through the mayhem, up to the tree Priest is
(Stan runs backwards into the
tree, sits down by Priest, then realises who it is)
STAN: President Priest!
(Then Stan looks up - and sees
STAN: OK then,
GENEV: Honey, do we look like a queen?
PRIEST: Oh, so you two know
STAN: Oh yeah
PRIEST: He's Stanley
STAN: Captain of the most powerful destructive force in the two
universes - as if you didn't know!
GENEV: Nice to meet you -
(She holds out her hand - then mimes a gun. Her priests point
guns at Stan and Priest)
(Elsewhere, the colonel is killed by priests.
Helicopters are shooting at everybody. Bunny runs around screaming for the
President - then Eagle jumps in front of her, grabbing two
EAGLE: Everything's gonna be OK now, missy - the Eagle's
(He throws the bullets away, and carries her
(Elsewhere, Xev, Kai and Lyekka are trying to find
XEV: Stan! Stan!
(She leans over a wounded
XEV: Excuse me - have you seen a man with a red suit and a
hat? Do you know who's in charge here?
KAI: There's no sign of him, or the
LYEKKA: Where do you think they went?
(They head back to the moth - arriving just in time to see
it blown up by a helicopter)
XEV: Now what?
(They walk to
the river - and see a boat)
(Kai steers, Lyekka and Xev sit in front.
They head upriver)
XEV: Lyekka, let me ask you something. Why can't
you just leave this planet alone and go eat another one?
LYEKKA: Because I'm
here, not on another planet. This one has lots of tasty food, and I am very very
KAI: Lyekka needs to eat just like you need to eat,
LYEKKA:(to Kai) Don't you ever need to eat tasty things?
XEV: The dead do not care about tasty things
LYEKKA: I need to eat
something - soon
(An ancient temple in the jungle. Stan and Priest
are at opposite ends of a passage, both tied with arms above their heads and lit
candles around their feet)
STAN: Help! Help! Help! Somebody get us
out of here! Oh, I knew coming back to Earth was gonna be a bad idea. I hate
this planet, I hate this planet, I just hate hate hate this
(Genevieve enters - her hat has been replaced by an eye
shade. She pulls on golfing gloves, chooses a club from one of her
PRIEST: Oo, your Holiness. We were wondering when we might
GENEV: Might be what?
PRIEST: Able to get back to the game - of 18
GENEV: How about - right now?
Giggerota, Queen, Pope, whatever you're calling yourself this time - what do you
want from us?
(Genevieve takes aim at the ball - and hits it into
GENEV: Fore! Missed
PRIEST: That hurt
Not as much as it will when we nail that gas can over your
(Priest looks up, sees the gas can balanced on a pole above his
head. Stan looks up at his gas can, then down at the lit candles, and realises
what's going to happen)
GENEV: Some people think it strange that a
deadlocked college of cardinals would randomly choose a name from the real
estate section of the Miami Herald to become the next pope
over to Priest, pokes him with her golf club)
GENEV: We don't. We
always knew we were destined for greatness. Ever since we woke up
GENEV: Yes. Woke up as Genevieve G Rota, president of Rota Realty.
And then we became the Pope. But what were we before we became a real estate
STAN: A cannibal!
GENEV: We don't remember
hits the next ball into Stan's face)
GENEV: Close - but close does
PRIEST: I thought it was an excellent shot, your Holiness. You
should take a second one
GENEV: All right, we will. At you
(She hits his head again. Stan
GENEV: You were born, we were not. We're special
I wasn't born either. I just woke up too
(Genevieve hits another ball, which just misses the gas
(Back on the boat, Xev, Lyekka and Kai are steering past cliffs,
jungle. They hear something roar)
LYEKKA: What was that?
sounded like a large feline mammal called a tiger
LYEKKA: Stop the
LYEKKA: I want to eat it
LYEKKA: Because it
sounds so yummy(smiles)
(Kai steers to the bank. Lyekka gets out and
walks into the jungle)
XEV: I don't trust her
KAI: Do you want
me to go with her?
(Kai walks into the
KAI: Stay in the boat
XEV: That's not a problem
(Xev is in the boat looking at the river when Kai
KAI: I could not find her. Xev, I think it is fair
KAI: That we allow Lyekka to eat part of the planet if she agrees not
to eat the whole Earth
XEV: But you said that she was an unbalanced predator
who would probably go on to destroy the whole universe
KAI: She has shown
that she can act in a balanced way. We can - support her now. I think I hear
(Xev looks at him, not sure about this)
XEV: Be extra
XEV: Because I don't trust her
back into the jungle - and transforms into Lyekka, who then meets up with the
LYEKKA: Let's go back to the boat
KAI: But you have not
yet eaten the tiger
LYEKKA: I let it go
KAI: Why? I thought you said you
were very very hungry
LYEKKA: I am. But I think - I prefer to eat
(They go back to the boat)
XEV: Did you eat the
KAI: Lyekka says she prefers human prey
LYEKKA: They are soft and
tender - with lots of fat
(She smiles, sits down in the boat. They
set off again)
(Priest gasps as a ball bounces against his gas
PRIEST: That was very very very very close. We can see you are
a good shot, you don't have to practise any more, your Excellency-ness
Look, look, whatever it is you want, you can have it, right? Right Mr
PRIEST: Yes yes of course, we agree to everything
job of a pope comes with a pretty good real estate portfolio but -
GENEV: It's not enough. We want it all
STAN: Well you can have it
all, we don't care!
(Genevieve hits another ball, which just misses
Stan's gas can)
GENEV: That much to the left, and you would have
been Tweedle toast
GENEV: We have a plan.
Shall we share it with you?
(Genevieve holds up two golf balls)
GENEV: One of
you, is President of the United States of America. The other - is captain of the
Lexx. And one of you is going to help expand our real estate portfolio. And the
other (chuckles) won't be around to share that special
(She knocks one ball away with the other, and licks her lips.
Stan struggles with his ropes)
(Back to the river. Night is
(It's Bunny - on a lookout post -
leading marines in an aerobics lesson)
BUNNY: OK now, let's just
warm up our hips a little, 'cause we're really gonna use them a lot in this
workout, OK? And now we're gonna march it up - good!
(She has a baton
- the marines watching her use their guns instead)
And lift - and lift - and lift - and lift!
And squat - and squat - and squat
- and squat! Come on, Bogie
And lift - and lift - and lift - and lift! Kick
your knees higher, Birdie
And squat - and squat - and squat - and
And stretch to the left -
And stretch to the right -
stretch to the left, and shaky shaky shaky!
Now stretch to the right, and
shaky shaky shaky!
Don't look so nervous back there, I know you can do it.
Looking good! How you feeling boys? You look real great. Whoo! All right, now
we're gonna do a turn, a jump and a shimmy down
And turn! And jump! And
And turn! And jump! And shimmy down!
That's good! OK boys -
now this one's a little hot
(She pushes the baton between her legs
from behind, pulls it out in front, twirls it)
And oo - ahh - and
shaky shaky shaky!
And oo - ahh - and shaky shaky shaky!
Really shake it
there Bogie. Looking good boys - it's so cute
OK - and one, and two, and
boogie woogie woogie woo
(Eagle gets up on top of the tower with her.
The music stops)
EAGLE: Time you oughta come down, missy
But were not even halfway through the workout
EAGLE: That's OK missy. We're
about to have another workout
BUNNY: Oh. With who?
(He leads her down onto the ground)
almost twenty three hundred sir
EAGLE: I know Birdie, that's why I'm helping
missy down. Birdie's got a gal, don't you Birdie? (pats his
BIRDIE: Yeah, back in Chillicothe, Ohio
(Eagle takes Bunny behind some sandbags)
Birdie's not gonna make it missy - but you are. Hey - you're safe with
BIRDIE: Keep your head down now, Miss
Bunny, like the sergeant told you
(She gets up - he
pulls her back down)
BOGIE: So Charlie don't get ya
BOGIE: Charlie - is Charlie
BUNNY: Oh. Where is
(She gets up - he pulls her back down)
BUNNY: Out where?
BIRDIE: Out there. Tonight
BIRDIE: Every night
(Bunny stands up - and screams, as the
attack begins. Bogie is hit. She goes to him)
BOGIE: When you get
back to the States, don't forget to tell 'em what the boys of the fighting 78th
(Bogie dies. Eagle returns)
BUNNY: He's dead
Bogie was a fine marine. It's gonna get too hot for you here soon, missy. Let's
(He leads her away. She stops as Birdie falls. They crouch behind
EAGLE: You'll be safe here missy
BUNNY: What about
you, Sergeant Eagle?
(He winks, then goes around a corner. There's an
explosion. Bunny runs into the jungle screaming - and meets Xev, Lyekka and
BUNNY: Quick! Run! They're attacking!
Charlie! They were shooting and there were all these explosions and then Bogie
was shot, and Eagle was blown up
XEV: We didn't hear anything
saw you dancing
(Kai looks at a sign on the ground, under some
BUNNY: But I don't understand. I mean, they were all there,
all these marines - really cute ones. And we were dancing, and doing a workout,
until the attack
KAI: Perhaps this is the attack you were referring
(He holds up the sign)
XEV: What does it say?
It says 'On September 15th 1968 Sergeant D Eagle, Corporal H Birdie, PFC R Bogie
and 29 other brave marines defended this hill to the last man and Charlie never
BUNNY: But they were just here! I saw them
XEV: This is one weird
LYEKKA: And a tasty one
BUNNY: Hi LooLoo
BUNNY: I like you too
(They walk on. Bunny looks back, and
sees the ghosts of the marines saluting. She waves, and they vanish)
- back on the river. They hear Priest shouting)
PRIEST: Help! Help!
(Kai steers towards the
bank. They see the temple. Instead, Genevieve is taking aim at
STAN: Look, look, I control the Lexx - kill
(The ball hits Stan's chest)
PRIEST: Let me go, and
I'll dump Stanley Tweedle's gas can all over him and save you all this
(Stan glares at Priest, then looks up at his gas
GENEV: That's not the way we're playing the game
Isn't your arm getting sore? I know mine would be by now
GENEV: No. Golf is
bigger than all of us. Golf is the new catechism. Sometimes you bogie
GENEV: Sometimes you par - sometimes you
(The ball hits Priest's head. Genevieve
STAN: Help, somebody, somebody help us,
get us out of here!
GENEV: And on the rarest of occasions, you score a holy
(The ball hits the gas can above Stan's
(Stan gasps - and Kai's brace pulls the
gas can back to the upright position. Genevieve's priests shoot at Kai - he
kills all four of them in one go. Bunny runs into the temple)
PRIEST: Bunny! Bunny!
(Kai and Xev go to
STAN: Oh, thank you Kai, thank you thank you thank
(Kai steps up to help Stan down. Xev looks at the
GENEV: Who? We are Pope Genevieve the
First, formerly known as G G Rota
(She holds out her hand. Xev
touches it, then lets go)
XEV: You are Giggerota. You came here from
the planet Fire with all the other evil spirits when the Lexx blew up the
GENEV: That makes sense, in a weird way. Hey listen guys, we
were just enjoying a game of golf in true Vatican tradition, weren't we
STAN: We were not enjoying it
(Priest joins them, leaning on
Bunny, kissing her)
PRIEST: Not in the slightest
STAN: Oh no,
Giggerota was bad and Queen was bad. She's completely insane. All she ever talks
about is golf!
XEV: Listen - Lyekka's here to talk to the world leader, and I
guess that must be you
GENEV: Uh uh, no no no no no. There's been a change at
the top of the leader board. Isn't that right Reg?
like you - and I like to eat people
(Lyekka is standing behind
Genevieve, sniffing. Genevieve turns to look at her)
reminds me of a dream we've been having
(Genevieve and Lyekka walk
BUNNY: You OK baby? My little studmuffin
PRIEST: My bunny
BUNNY: What did she do to you?
(Genevieve and Lyekka walk
out into a courtyard)
LYEKKA: Tell me about your dream
Well - we've been having weird dreams lately
LYEKKA: A good one?
people one - a food people one!
LYEKKA: Do you eat them?
LYEKKA: Are they tasty?
GENEV: Oh yes yes yes!
LYEKKA: You are making me very very hungry
Let's eat, girlfriend
LYEKKA: I will
(Lyekka opens her mouth wide.
Genevieve moans - and screams. The others hear her as they leave the
STAN: Ha ha. Serves her right. Stupid cannibal was gonna
burn us alive
LYEKKA: And she was very very tasty
(Lyekka walks up
to Stan, who smiles and laughs)
STAN: Good work
LYEKKA: (to Priest) Are you the leader of this
BUNNY: Tell her, Mr President
PRIEST: Oo, I suppose I
LYEKKA: I want to make a deal with you
PRIEST: That's nice, but First
Lady Bunny and I are now on vacation - so all deals are off until we come back,
whenever that is, which won't be for a while
STAN: Mr President, Mr
President, listen - remember those carrot drones that are all over the
PRIEST: Oo, yes yes, of course
KAI: Lyekka sent them
Yeah, she's from the alien carrot mother ship which is soon gonna be here and
it's gonna eat the entire planet
PRIEST: First Lady Bunny and I will of
course be leaving on the Lexx with you, right?
That's not good then
XEV: But rather than eat the whole planet, the three of
us thought it would be more balanced if she just ate a part of it and then moved
STAN: Yeah exactly, I'm glad to see you're coming around to my point of
LYEKKA: So, what part can I eat?
PRIEST: Eat, er - the Japanese.
They're just a menace and a nuisance
(Priest and Bunny walk
LYEKKA: They sound tasty. Do we have a deal?
yes, eat Japaneseland. That works for me
STAN: Works for me too
KAI: The dead should not meddle in the affairs of the
(Lyekka transforms back into her spiny seed pod form, flies
away. Stan watches, sighs, smiles)
(The President's plane takes off.
Bunny is exercising, Xev is lying on a couch. Stan and Kai are by the
STAN: OK look, we're ready to go back to the Lexx, all
PRIEST: Don't worry, it will happen. I'm the President,
BUNNY: You're my President
PRIEST: You're my First Bunny. The
(An assistant hands Bunny the football)
Toss me the football. Bunny, the atlas - the funny book with the maps in
PRIEST: Vietnam, Vietnam, Vietnam - here it is. Goodnight,
(Priest pushes buttons inside the
(Stan and Xev
look at each other. Priest and Bunny kiss)
missile flies out of the plane, and blows up Vietnam)
© Filking Fairy
© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana