Lexx 4.21 Viva Lexx Vegas
(written by Lex Gigeroff, Jon Spira, Andy Selzer and Frank McGinn)
(Egypt. An archaeological dig is underway. An archaeologist
hits something in the sand which bends his pickaxe. There is a
ARCH: Oh my god
(Ignoring the growls, the
archaeologist uses a smaller tool, uncovers a face plate)
my god. This is incredible
(He turns to look behind him, just as
another member of his party hits him on the head with an axe)
on Air Force One, President Priest is behind a couch kissing Bunny, whose legs
are in the air. Xev is chewing on a bone while an aide massages her foot. Kai is
nearby. Stan is looking out of a window, getting frustrated)
Kiss kissy kiss kissy kissy kiss kiss!
STAN: Mr President
reply. Stan sits down, shouts)
(Priest sticks his head up from behind the
STAN: Time for business, OK? Now look - we
saved your butt, so you are gonna fly us back to the Lexx so we can finally get
far away from your stupid planet, right Kai?
PRIEST: In Air Force
STAN: In whatever!
PRIEST: I don't think Air Force One goes into
KAI: We would be able to return to the Lexx on one of your space
PRIEST: Oh yes yes, of course. Well, I'll just
(Priest picks up a phone)
VOICE: General Frootydude
PRIEST: Good evening general, this is the President
STAN: Having fun,
XEV: Not yet
(Priest hangs up. Bunny sits behind
PRIEST: We don't seem to have any space shuttles available at
STAN: Oh, great
PRIEST: We've been kind of burning through
STAN: Well that's your problem, pal! Now look - we
saved your butt, so you owe us. And you are the President of this planet - so
you make it happen
(Stan thrusts the phone at
PRIEST: Make it happen?
XEV: Stan, why are
you in such a hurry to leave?
STAN: Do I have to answer that
XEV: You just don't know how to enjoy yourself
STAN: Well, maybe I would Xev if this was a good planet, but
this is a bad planet, this is a very very bad planet
BUNNY: It's not all
PRIEST: They say they can arrange a flight from - um, er - from Ellis air
force base in California for the day after tomorrow
STAN: Well what are we
supposed to do until then?
XEV: I wanna party
(Xev sits up. Priest
and Bunny go back down behind a couch)
STAN: Well, not me! I just
wanna go someplace nice and quiet where nothing's gonna happen - like the middle
of a desert
(She pops up from behind the couch, Priest
BUNNY: You could go to Las
STAN: What's Las Vegas?
BUNNY: Well, it's in the middle of the
desert, and you can party there. It's like non-stop fun, 24 hours a day, 7 days
a week - well, as long as you have money
XEV: I wanna go to Las
STAN: No, thank you!
(Stan pulls Priest
STAN: Listen you, just drop us off beside your space shuttle,
and we will just wait there inside until it's ready to go, OK?
XEV: Stan, this might be our last chance to have any kind of fun on this
planet before we leave it behind forever
STAN: No no no no no no no
Oh - and there's lots of cute professional girls in Las Vegas
BUNNY: Mm hmm. And they really like guys like you Stanley - as long as
you have lots of money
(Priest is undoing her top. They disappear
back down behind the couch)
STAN: Well, we don't have any
PRIEST: You can have my ATF credit card. It has a three million dollar
limit. That's enough for a lot of fun, I'm sure
XEV: May we
(Las Vegas. Inside the King Tutt Egyptian theme hotel. Remo Tutti
- last seen murdering an archaeologist - is dragging a large crate down some
steps. In an office, King Tutti, Frankie and Joey are playing
REMO: Hey hey (laughs)Hey, I'm back. It's me, look.
Hey, did you miss me?
REMO: Why not?
KING: 'Cause you're never
gonna amount to nothing
REMO: Ah, just you wait
you wait to see what I brought back from Egypt
KING: Aces over eights. Dead
man's hand. Remo, come here. You know why they call aces over eight's dead man's
(King grabs Remo under his chin)
Because the next time you do something stupid you're gonna be a dead man - even
if you is my cousin. You capice?
REMO: I was just thinking -
REMO: About the family
KING: Oh yeah? (he lets go)
Yeah, sure. I mean, if a business is gonna survive, we gotta adapt with the
changing times. We gotta diversify
KING: Diversify into what?
antiquities market. Or particle physics. That way we don't have to depend on all
that other stuff
KING: Let me remind you. We Tuttis are where we are because
of three things - gambling, prostitution, extortion and drugs
counts on his fingers)
KING: It's what the family was built on, OK?
Not this anti-quatty-quiddy stuff and particle physics
(He grabs Remo
KING: Starting today, you're gonna learn the business from
the ground up, OK? From the bottom, Remo - you capice?
Yeah? (slaps Remo's face) Now go away. More drinks
Xev and Kai are in a cab in Las Vegas - Kai is playing with a nodding cowboy on
XEV: I'm a Cluster lizard, and Vegas looks so good.
CABBIE: Where are you from?
XEV: I'm from B3K
CABBIE: Is that in
XEV: It's in the Light Zone. And we want fun, and lots of
CABBIE: What type of fun?
STAN: We don't want any type of fun, we just
want a quiet place to stay with, you know, girls that like guys like me
STAN: Girls who like guys like me. Guys with lotsa (waves
credit card) lotsa money
CABBIE: Oh, you gotta be going to King
KAI: What is King Tutt's?
CABBIE: It's like a palace
palace, that sounds great
CABBIE: A number one, all the way. You know what? I
got a little in with the owners. We all like family down here. I can get you a
STAN: Does this special rate include professional
CABBIE: (laughs) We in Las Vegas! Hey - you just ask for the
special room service, yeah, special
STAN: Yeah, special room
(The cab stops outside King Tutt's)
That'll be fifty (thinks) three hundred and fifty
(Stan hands him the credit card)
CABBIE: You guys
gonna have a good time tonight
STAN: OK, special room service.
(They all go into the hotel. Remo Tutti is on the front desk,
wearing an Egyptian outfit)
REMO: Welcome to
the King Tutt, where the only curse is fun. You guys here for the Vegas
REMO: Science fiction convention
we still get the special rate, right?
(The cabbie is standing behind
them, making gestures for Remo to raise the price)
REMO: That's four
- teen - hundred dollars. Fourteen hundred dollars for a room
cabbie mimes going higher)
REMO: Oh, there's also a four hundred
dollar room fee
XEV: So where's all the fun?
REMO: There's also a nine
hundred dollar water tax - this is a desert after all (laughs) you
XEV: Excuse me - where is all the fun?
STAN: I think we'll just go to
the room, Xev
(Remo bangs a gong. The cabbie shows them where to
REMO: Thank you. Thank you for staying at the King Tutt. Thank
you (to cabbie) See you later
(An Egyptian servant shows
them into their room, holds out his hand for a tip. Xev goes to take his hand,
but Stan stops her, shuts the door)
STAN: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa
whoa! Where are you going?
XEV: I'm going out to look for some fun
No. Nobody is going anywhere
STAN: We are staying right
XEV: Why is that?
(She sits down on the
STAN: Because Xev, on this planet we're a magnet for
STAN: So, nobody is going in and nobody is coming out
until President Priest says the shuttle's ready
XEV: That doesn't sound like
STAN: Fun? They've got room service, OK? You can get anything you want.
Now in the meantime we're staying right here, out of sight until the shuttle is
ready. That's the plan and we're sticking to it
(Xev sulks, lies back
on the bed)
(In the corridor near King's office, Remo has unpacked his
crate. A large sarcophagus is propped up against the wall. Remo takes a
blowtorch to it. The face plate grows, and there's a growling
VOICE: Remo Tutti, who is not at his booth at the front desk
- report to King's office now
(Remo leaves. Fluid trickles from the
nose on the face plate. Lower down the sarcophagus, a panel slides open,
revealing a hand)
(In their hotel room, Kai has figured out how to work
the remote control. The screen shows a man - Louis - with three slave girls in a
LOUIS: Behold King Ramses slave girls of the Eighteenth
dynasty. Stick your numbers out sweetheart. Just check the numbers
(The girls each have numbers on their bras)
The world famous King Tutt luxury hotel and casino once again invites you to
select the slave girl of your choice. All you gotta do is pick up your phone and
demand room service - Egyptian style
(Stan smiles. He picks up the
phone and dials - it looks like a mummified cat)
LOUIS: And don't
forget the number of the slave girl who you might want, OK? Just check the
number of the girl who makes your whip crack the best. And as always, remember -
it's first served, first come, ha ha! King Tutt has spoken. Put your numbers
(Xev is exercising on the bed, waving her legs in the air,
blocking Stan's view of the TV)
XEV: I didn't know the Earth had
KAI: I'm not sure they are slaves, in the conventional
STAN: No, they're like slaves in the Celes pleasure transport sense -
which is just fine by Stanley H Tweedle
VOICE: Hello? Hello?
STAN: Yeah, I
want to order room service - Egyptian style. Err - number 24 and, er - number
88. Yeah. OK. Oh good. OK
(Stan hangs up, and lies on the bed next to
LOUIS: All you have to do is phone, folks (to
camera man) OK cut, I'm gonna get a freaking hernia over
(Down in the basement, Louis stops turning the cage with the
slave girls inside. The cheering fans in the background are just a video loop on
a big screen backdrop)
(Remo returns to find the sarcophagus face plate
oozing. He puts his hand inside the open panel, which is full of black gunk.
There are footprints leading away from the sarcophagus. He goes into King's
KING: Remo - why ain't you at the front desk?
know King, I was -
REMO: I was -
was just looking for something
KING: The only thing you should be looking for
are undercover cops. Now get back out there before I whack you into the middle
of next week
REMO: OK King (he leaves)
KING: This guy - ! Royal
flush. Read 'em and weep
(In the hotel room, Stan dances up to a
STAN: You, Stanley Tweedle, are an Egyptian love
(He pulls faces at himself, laughing. Kai and Xev look
STAN: Aw you guys, you don't know how to have fun! You don't
know how to take a situation, turn it around, make it work for
(He picks up a luggage rack, twirls around with it. Xev sits up
on the bed)
XEV: What are we supposed to do?
STAN: What do you
XEV: Kai and myself
STAN: That's up to you guys
XEV: When those
girls get here?
STAN: Hmm, oh I dunno, you could (pops his head over
Kai's shoulder) join in
(Xev gets up, puts her hand on Stan's
XEV: I think I prefer to have my own fun
(He smiles, dances. On the TV, muscular women are in a cage.
LOUIS: And in the other corner, our reigning champeen -
XEV: Is that a woman, or a man?
KAI: It is a woman
LOUIS: The Queen of
XEV: She sure has a lot of muscles
LOUIS: Right now the Queen of
Sheba is five to two, so if you wanna make a little cash just pick up your
in-house phone and place your bets. Yowsa yowsa yowsa! (to fighter) Get
in the cage. Get in the damn cage!
XEV: What are they doing?
believe gamblers are betting on the outcome of the contest
is walking down a corridor, when a mummy lurches towards him - black,
decomposing, bones exposed. The mummy breaks his neck, and a bag of white powder
falls to the floor. The mummy sniffs at it)
(Stan is dancing at the
mirror, checking his reflection. Xev is watching the wrestling, and
STAN: What was that for?!
(There's a knock at the
door. Stan checks his breath, grins, and opens the door. Two gum chewing slave
girls enter - one with purple hair, number 24, and one with pink hair, number
(But the slave girls ignore him and head
straight for Kai)
NO 24: What's your game, mister?
KAI: I was a
NO 88: Oo, I bet you like it straight, no
(Stan pulls number 88 away from Kai)
STAN: No no no
no, girls girls girls, you got it all wrong. See, I'm the one who ordered room
service - Stanley Tweedle
(She tries to go back to Kai, but Stan puts
his arm around her)
STAN: I'm captain of the Lexx, the most powerful
destructive force in the two universes
NO 24: Well that's great captain, but
it's gonna cost you extra
NO 88: We were told there was just one of you
24: It costs extra for three
STAN: Oh no, there's just the one of me, just
me. See, Kai here is dead - from the neck down
(Number 24 has her
hand on Kai's crotch. She looks down)
NO 24: Oh, I see
Yeah. And Xev was just leaving
XEV: Oh, I was? I thought you said -
(Stan drags her off the bed. Number 88 goes back to
STAN: Aw, Xev, come on - just go have yourself some fun,
STAN: Just promise not to leave the hotel
(Stan pulls her to the door. Xev tries to walk back in, but he
STAN: Xev! Just promise, OK?
XEV: Thanks for your
STAN: Just - yeah
(Xev goes out into the
(Elsewhere, the mummy is still snorting)
girls are all over Kai, stroking his face)
NO 88: So, you in town
for the Vegas Con?
STAN: Kai, er - I wonder, would you mind doing
me a favour?
STAN: Would you mind checking out the place for a
while? Check out, say, the hallways, see if they're all the same? Maybe some
might be different
KAI: Are you sure you do not want me here, to protect
(Stan puts his arms around number 24)
STAN: Oh, no.
I think if anybody's going to need protection, it's gonna be number 88 and
number 24. Am I right girls?
(Stan laughs. Kai leaves)
24: OK, let's see it
STAN: Oh, you wanna see it right away? OK
starts undoing his uniform)
NO 88: No - business before
(She gets out a credit card swipe. Number 24 hands him a
NO 24: Like, duh - what planet are you from?
STAN: Ostral B,
(Number 88 swipes at him. Stan realises what they want, gives
her his credit card)
STAN: OK, OK, no problem
swipes, he signs. Number 24 dims the lights. Number 88 pulls his hat off, and
they push Stan back onto the bed. He laughs. They pull off his
(Meanwhile, Xev takes stairs down into the hotel - sound of
NO: 24 How do you like it mister?
STAN: Oh, I like it any
which way at all - just as long as you take your time, and do it fine - fine
(They take his uniform off, and crawl up him, kissing
STAN: Stanley the stunner makes love like no
(The mummy is lurching along a corridor)
(Xev has gone
further downstairs - into the basement where the wrestling is taking place. The
Queen of Sheba slams a girl to the floor)
LOUIS: Oh, that's gotta
smart. The winner, and still reigning champeen - the Queen of
(The loser limps out of the cage)
LOUIS: How's the
wing honey? Put a little ice on it. Now get outta here and don't gimme any dirty
looks. For those of youse who put your money down on the Queen, simply drop by
the cashier's desk to pick up your money. For the others, who bet the other way,
well hey - there's another bout coming right up shortly. Yowsa yowsa (sees
XEV: I wanna try. I wanna fight - her
LOUIS: What's your
XEV: Xev, Xev of B3K
LOUIS: B3K? You know the
LOUIS: Doesn't matter, there aren't any rules - no
XEV: No biting? (pouts)
LOUIS: Ah, it's just a guideline.
XEV: Guess so
LOUIS: And now ladies and gentlemen, all the way
from B3K, which is close to Cuckamanga, we have our newest challenger - the one,
the only - Xev!
(Xev smiles, waves for the camera. Louis pushes her
into the cage)
LOUIS: So lets open the betting at eight to one for
(In King's office, there's a TV where they can see the
JOEY: King - who's the new talent?
KING: How should I
know? Just as long as the odds keep going north, and she plays ball, right?
(puts cards down) Two pair. Aces high. The King wins again
Queen of Sheba is flexing her muscles at Xev, trying to intimidate her. Xev just
LOUIS: Hey, what the hell is this, a dance? Come on, do
something. Rattle the cage!
XEV: OK, let's fight
LOUIS: Yeah, novel idea,
(The mummy is going upstairs, into the public part of the
(Kai is in the corridor, and sees the coffin. He pats the face
(In the hotel room, things are not
going as Stan had planned. The girls are adjusting their
STAN: Look, I'm just a little out of practise, OK? And you
girls - you're really not making it happen for me
NO 24: It happens to men
NO 88 It's all right tiger. We'll just be on our way then. Nice
STAN: No no no, don't go!
(He sits up in the
NO 88: Why not?
STAN: Look, just because captain Stan is
having a little trouble getting the rocket off the launch pad, it does not mean
he's going to abort the mission
NO 24: It doesn't?
STAN: No, it just means
you girls are going to have to work a little bit harder
aren't happy at the thought of this)
NO 88: Well what did you have
in mind captain?
STAN: Well - I think the old rocket may need a little
special treatment, I'm sure you girls can deliver
(The girls smile at
(The mummy lurches further into the hotel. Remo's voice on
REMO: Don't miss the mummy brunch, in the pharaoh's
dining room. That's the mummy brunch
STAN: So - what are you gonna do for
captain Stan the stud man?
(The girls get onto the bed. Stan lies
NO 24: Well, we want you to lie back and close your
(Stan closes his eyes. They pull scarves from their costumes and
tie his hands to the headboard)
STAN: Yeah, closing the eyes, the
eyes are closed
NO 88: And wait
STAN: Yes, wait for what?
NO 88: For
the tooth fairy
STAN: Oh, yeah, the tooth fairy! (laughs) What's a
NO 24: You don't know?
(The girls smile, get off the
NO 24: Well, maybe you'll figure it out by the time
the music ends
(She switches on a stereo)
NO 88: Keep
your eyes closed - tightly
NO 24: No peeking
(They leave. Stan
squirms happily on the bed)
(In the cage. Xev clobbers the Queen of
Sheba, and sits on her till she submits)
XEV: Was that
LOUIS: Enough? You got a pin baby, you don't get more enough than
XEV: Did I win?
(Louis opens the cage)
not only won - darling, you were great. Lemme ask you a question -would you like
a new outfit?
(Xev comes out of the
LOUIS: Come on into my office. I think I got a little number
that's gonna fit you just perfectly. You got a wonderful future ahead of you
sweetheart. Mine's all used up
(Remo is in the corridor, when Number
24 and number 88 walk up to him)
(Number 88 hands him the credit card voucher. He reads
REMO: Let me ask you something - can either of you bubble heads
NO 24: Yeah, we read good, Remo
REMO: Oh really? Well why don't you
do me a favour and tell me what it says right there
NO 24: It says Bureau of
Alcohol, Tobacco, and -
NO 88: Firearms!
REMO: Oh, you're smart. Now -
you ever hear of the ATF?
REMO: The ATF is a government
NO 88: And that's, er, bad?
REMO: Oh yes, that's bad. It means that
your boyfriend up there in the Ramses suite is a government agent
REMO: Oh. So, it's back to working in the coffee shop for youse girls. Bye
(He tears up the voucher)
(Kai is on a staircase in the
(Remo goes into King's office)
REMO: There's an ATF
agent actually in the hotel
KING: You're telling me that there's an ATF agent
actually in the hotel?
REMO: Yeah, I don't know how he got in the hotel, but
he's a Federal agent for sure
KING: How sure?
REMO: Well, he's got an ATF
credit card. So - what do you want me to do to this Federal agent, this Stanley
KING: I want you to man the reception desk
REMO: Oh, King -
(King grabs his chin)
KING: Frankie, Joey - I want you to whack this guy. I want you to
whack him till he's dead
FRANKIE: Consider it done
(In the hotel
room, Stan hasn't realised the girls aren't coming back)
fairy, bite me, bite me, oh yeah, oo tooth fairy (laughs)
the mummy comes into the room)
STAN: Come on, sink your teeth into
(The mummy gets onto the bed, sniffs at his
STAN: Oh, I like the sound of that, oh yeah. Can I open my
eyes now? OK, I won't, I won't, I won't!
(The mummy straddles
STAN: So what does a tooth fairy do?
sniffs at his chest)
STAN: Oh, the nipples! Oh that's good, that's
(Frankie and Joey arrive at the door)
STAN: Do me,
do me, do me -
(Stan opens his eyes - and screams. But the mummy
gets off him. Frankie and Joey start firing at it, and it drives them out of the
hotel room. Stan pulls his pants back on, gets out of bed, shuts the
(The mummy kills Frankie and Joey, then leaves. It sees a girl with
a housekeeping trolley, breaks her neck, then buries its face in a box of soap
(Stan is panicking. He tries the connecting door, but it doesn't
work. He dives under the bed, pulls his uniform and boots under as
(In the basement, the Queen of Sheba heads back to the cage - this
time wearing a wig full of snakes)
LOUIS: What the hell are you
doing with the bathrobe? Come on, take it off, you modest all of a
(She throws the robe at him, goes into the
LOUIS: Hey snake head, rattle your cage (she snarls)
Shut up! Ladies and gentlemen, for your gaming pleasure the King Tutt hotel
is proud to present the queen of ancient Egypt - Cleopatra!
- in a white, silver and gold short top and skirt, wearing a black wig with gold
beads. She does some Egyptian dancing in the corner of the
LOUIS: And her challenger - fresh from a tour of duty on the
bad side of Hades - the truly terrible Medusa!
(Medusa climbs up the
side of the cage)
LOUIS: She reminds me of a singer from the
Fifties, I forget her name - lovely woman though. OK folks, this is a
straight-up pick 'em. You just dial the number on the screen and make yourself
some dough. Who do you like? who do you like?
(Medusa poses. Xev
LOUIS: As soon as this chick takes a dive we're gonna make a
bundle, oh yeah
(Xev swings from the top of the cage, kicks Medusa
over, laughing. Remo and King are watching in King's office)
This is fun!
LOUIS: Yeah yeah, I can tell it's fun
out of the cage. Louis gives her a long brown wig)
LOUIS: Take off
the wig sweetheart, gimme the snakes. You're going to Russia. I hope you get a
fur rug. Cleopatra's next challenge, direct from Stalingrad, the totally
fabulous Catreen the Great!
(Xev gets ready to fight again. Louis
LOUIS: Hey King, if Cleo wins again we're gonna go
through the roof with the odds. All we have to do is convince her to take a dive
and we hit big time
KING: I love you. Ciao
(King gives the phone
to Remo to hang up. It rings)
REMO: Hello? (listens, hangs up)
King - it's Frankie and Joey
KING: What about Frankie and Joey?
Someone - they got whacked. They're dead (takes off his
KING: Was it this Tweedle?
REMO: I don't know. Let me
handle it. Let me whack Tweedle
REMO: Come on, give me a chance.
One chance to make you proud of me
KING: Forget it, Remo
REMO: Joey was my
cousin on my mother's side once removed. And Frankie - he was Jimmy's
brother-in-law's nephew. It's family! I need this vendetta
KING: No. We're
gonna hire a professional
REMO: Let me bring honour to the Tutti
KING: (thinks) Remo - you know this Tweedle character? You make
sure he has a closed casket funeral. Capice?
raises his hand. Remo flinches, but King just pats his cheek)
down in the basement - )
LOUIS: Hey, there's still time to get your
bets down, yowsa yowsa yowsa. Cleopatra coming at ya
around, kicks Catreen the Great to the floor)
(Louis is on the phone to King again)
King, remember that guy, what the hell was his name? Grindypants, what, organ -
Organgrinder, yeah that's it, Organgrinder, remember him? Yeah, he killed the
other guy. I think he's out of prison now. See if he can make it here tonight,
all right? Cleopatra's going bye bye
(Louis hangs up, goes to
LOUIS: Oh baby, you were beautiful,
(He kisses her through the cage)
(Remo is now
dressed up as a mummy. Holding a gun, he knocks on the door of Stan's room.
Stan's head pops out from under the bed, where he's been getting
STAN: Who is it?
REMO: Er - flowers, sir. Compliments of
STAN: I hate flowers and I hate the management so just go
(Remo knocks again)
STAN: Who is it?!
REMO: Er -
STAN: No way, pal - I already ordered room service once and it
was less than satisfactory I can tell ya! Just go away, I got a good mind to
(The mummy is now lurching towards Remo. Stan puts his hat
on, goes to the door)
STAN: Hello? Hello?
through the peephole and sees the mummy pick Remo up by the throat. Stan looks
STAN: Kai, where are you?!
(Remo points the gun at
the mummy's head and goes to fire. The mummy bites the end of the gun off and
breaks Remo's neck, then walks away, snapping its jaws)
(Xev is dancing
in the cage. Her next opponent has arrived - a very big black
LOUIS: Grinder, good to see you baby, glad you could make it.
You're looking buff. Put the wig on and take her out of her
(The Organgrinder puts the snake wig on and goes into the
LOUIS: You've seen Cleopatra whack the Queen of Sheba with
ease. She took out Medusa with one blow. And Catherine the Great - what she
last, five seconds with her? The question is now, can Cleopatra handle the
recently paroled Alexander of Macedonia? Right now the smart money is on Cleo,
and if you're smart you'll get your bets in right now
(He turns to
LOUIS: How much money have we got on Cleo?
LOUIS: Oh, two million, we're gonna take a sea cruise! I'll let
you oil my back, maybe
KING: Let me talk to
Louis - to Louis!
LOUIS: Yeah, capice, capice to you too. Of course she's
gonna take a dive, yeah yeah yeah, badda bing, badda boom, don't worry about
(Stan looks out, decides it's all clear. He opens the door and
gets a shock at Remo's body. He steps around it and runs down the
LOUIS: Cleo? Cleo, could you come over here for a minute
please? I wanna talk to you for just a second honey. You know you're doing great
sweetheart, you really are, we made a bundle on you tonight. But hey, nothing
goes on forever, you know what I mean? You get me?
LOUIS: I mean,
sometimes you gotta go down
XEV: What do you mean, down?
LOUIS: I mean
XEV: I don't wanna lose, I like winning!
LOUIS: Nobody wants to lose,
but - you know, you gotta swallow your pride, you gotta take a dive, OK?
Do you want me to lose, on purpose?
LOUIS: In a nutshell, yeah
LOUIS: Why? Because freaking King Tutti says so, that's why
don't want to
LOUIS: Oh yes you do
XEV: No I don't
LOUIS: Oh yes you
LOUIS: Oh yes you do, unless you wanna get whacked
What do you mean, whacked?
LOUIS: Whacked? I take a gun, I put a bullet in
it, and put a hole in your freaking head. Now you capice?
XEV: I'll think
LOUIS: Yeah, well, you better think quick, because nobody thinks
good with a hole in the head
(The mummy is
(Xev punches Alexander three times - he just
LOUIS: What the hell is this? Come on, come on, rattle your
cage! Hey, watch yourself, come on, come on
(Stan gets into an
(Xev kicks Alexander four times, with no success)
mummy lurches along a hallway, foaming at the mouth, and comes to an elevator
just as it opens. Stan is right in front of the mummy)
(Stan dives between the mummy's legs, as it lurches
forward into the elevator. The other passengers scream as the doors
(Xev does a Cluster lizard roll and bounces around the cage,
knocking Alexander to the floor. She gets on top of him, arms around his neck.
Louis is stunned. He takes off his head-dress)
LOUIS: Tutti's gonna
kill me! I told her take a dive, badda bing, badda boom, forget about
(Alexander gets out of the cage, shoving his wig onto Louis'
CAMERA: Our new champeen - Cleopatra
(He hands Xev
the winner's belt. She twirls happily. King is watching from his
KING: What is it with this broad?
XEV: I'm sorry. I tried
(The mummy gets out of the elevator, drooling - it's full of
bodies. A servant picks up a breakfast tray, then drops it as he sees the mummy
- who breaks his neck)
KING: Oh, I want this bitch. I want this
bitch in the ground
(Xev is dancing on the TV in the background. King
hears the mummy roar - then hears screams. He goes out into the corridor, and
sees someone in the shadows)
KING: Hey! Hey you! What are you,
(He gets a gun out of a nearby
KING: Hey, I want you to do something for me. There's this
bitch downstairs. I want you to whack her. I want you to whack her for
(The mummy moves out of the shadows)
KING: Oh, you
(He fires, hits the mummy in the chest - which doesn't
KING: No no no no no no no
(The mummy picks him
up, breaks his neck)
(Stan runs down a corridor, just as Kai turns the
STAN: Oh Kai! Boy am I glad to see you
Why, protection! There's a very tall very ugly somebody in this hotel trying to
KAI: A former somebody
STAN: What do you mean?
came across an empty coffin in this hotel
(Kai leads Stan
KAI: It belongs to a philosopher-poet I assassinated
4000 years ago. Heretics preserved his body and part of his brain in protective
fluid that allows him to act for short periods as a sort of primitive killing
(He shows Stan the coffin)
STAN: Primitive hey,
well that sounds good, that means you can just do your Divine Assassin brace
thing on him, right?
KAI: He is unkillable
Unkillable? What are we gonna do now?
KAI: We can wait
KAI: For him to run out of fluid. It is not long-lasting, and he must
constantly replenish it. This inscription is a warning against opening the
coffin. He must have been buried on this planet thousands of years ago for
safekeeping by people who intended to return for him - but never
(On the TV in King's office, they see Xev in the cage - and the
mummy ripping the cage door)
STAN: Quick Kai, that's
LOUIS: Hey, what the hell are ya doing there Tiny? That's not Tiny,
that's not the doorman
(The mummy moves closer to
LOUIS: This is a security camera, watch yourself, you're on
(The mummy kills the cameraman)
LOUIS: That was a
close one. You got something on your teeth, right there. Badda
(The mummy breaks his neck, then goes into the cage. Xev rolls
away, then tries to attack, but the mummy grabs her by the throat, just as Stan
and Kai arrive)
(Xev runs out of the cage to
KAI: I have killed mothers with their babies. I have killed
proud young warriors and revolutionaries
STAN: His coffin Xev, quick
STAN: The fluid that keeps him going is in it
KAI: I have killed the pedantic, the pseudo-intellectual and
on one occasion, a very self-important philosopher-poet
his brace. The mummy falls, gets up and lurches towards him. Kai jumps up the
side of the cage, onto the top. The mummy lurches away)
low on fuel Drago?
(Kai fires again, follows the mummy out of the
basement. President Priest appears on the scene. Kai follows the mummy out into
KAI: Do you not see the irony Drago?
fires into the mummy's back)
KAI: Once you were a mindless
philosopher-poet, now you are a mindless killer. It is an irony that even you
(He fires three more times as the mummy heads
KAI: Crying night, crying night. The ears of a child. A
cockatoo? The thunder cracks
(Stan and Xev are carrying the coffin
STAN: Come on Xev, we gotta hide it. I think he saw
KAI: Despair! Brutal whispers, weeping, weeping, weeping
fires his brace again, then backs away as the mummy heads back downstairs, after
KAI: I hope I am doing justice to your work,
(The mummy follows Kai into the cage. Priest watches, listening
to the poetry)
KAI: The bloated sun, a single grape, that silently
mocks our -
(The mummy grabs Kai - )
( - and falls to the floor)
STAN: Ha ha, his
fluid finally ran out
PRIEST: So, are you ready to go to the space shuttle
STAN: Oh yeah, right now
PRIEST: That's too bad in a way. I wanted to
hear the rest of the poem. Emptiness - er, a, b, c, d, e, f - femptiness,
STAN: Oh, let's just go!
(Daybreak finds them all
out in the desert. Xev is back in her usual outfit, Kai is burying the
PRIEST: Brutal whispers - weeping. The bloated sun, a single
grape, that silently mocks our emptiness
KAI: Hopefully no-one will find this
for a very long time
XEV: What if someone does?
STAN: It's OK Xev, it's a
Type 13 planet. It doesn't have much time anyway
(Stan, Xev and Kai
PRIEST: Emptiness, pemptiness, temptiness, exemptiness -
(From underground, the mummy roars)
© Filking Fairy
© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana