Lexx 4.22 Trip
(written by Jeffrey Hirschfield)
(The Lexx flies past the moon, heading away from Earth.
Everyone is on the bridge)
STAN: (smiles) Bye bye
(He gets down from the pedestal, and crouches down by
XEV: I won't miss it
STAN: Robot head - I want you to find
us a new planet in this universe, a good planet - and by that I mean a good
planet for me and Xev to live on, not a good planet for you to get us horribly
killed on (slaps 790) Understand?
790: Not a word
up) Well, Kai does, and Kai is gonna demand that you start scanning. Right
KAI: 790, you do as Stan asks
790: Anything for you, my decarbonised
(Stan, Xev and Kai leave the bridge, walk to the
XEV: Do you think Lyekka will keep her word and only eat
STAN: Absolutely. Lyekka always keeps her word, to me anyway. See, she
(In the galley, under the food nozzle, there is something
that looks like a large pear. It's wriggling, making squeaky balloon
XEV: What is that?
STAN: Beats me
KAI: And me
It seems alive somehow
STAN: Well, what - Kai, kill
(Kai touches it)
STAN: Anybody home?
touches it, pulls his hand back)
wriggling more quickly)
STAN: It's attacking us! Kai, do
(There is a flash of light, and the pear splits open.
Inside, there is a glittery hologram of Lyekka, above a plant with two small red
spheres floating around it. Lyekka smiles. Stan steps closer)
LYEKKA: Greetings, noble crew of the Lexx, from myself and all my
sisters. We are so happy to have made peace with you so we can eat lots of yummy
things on Earth. We like you, and we salute you, and because we like you we have
left these beautiful presents for you. Please, accept them, and enjoy them.
Brave captain Stanley H Tweedle, fearless Xev of B3K, to each of you we offer a
single Gelassa berry - the rarest and most exquisite delicacy in the entire
known universe. They are so tasty, words cannot describe them. We hope you enjoy
(Stan reaches over and takes one of the berries, so does
LYEKKA: And for you Kai, we offer our highest tribute - a
living Yowratang plant. Sing for it, and the blossom will open - but only if it
likes your voice. Friends - these are our offerings. Enjoy them, and think of
us, as we will always think of you. We wish you well on your journey to the
stars. Peace, and goodwill
(She disappears. Kai picks up his plant -
mossy base, blue globe surrounded by big leaves)
STAN: Now that was
classy, huh? Lyekka, she's just the best. What do you make of these
XEV: I don't know. I'm not sure if it's a good idea to eat it - it
could be poisonous
STAN: Oh come on Xev, I trust Lyekka
XEV: Well - you
STAN: Don't be so suspicious - Kai, are you afraid of these
STAN: Huh? If these things are half as good as Lyekka says
they are, then they gotta be way better than Lexx's nostril spew, you know what
XEV: OK, eat it than
STAN: Well, why don't we both go
XEV: No way. Captains first (grins)
first? Well, OK. Sure. Yeah
(He takes a bite - then coughs,
XEV: Stan? Are you OK?
STAN: Oh, that's good. No -
that's, that's good! Oh!
XEV: Good. Well, I'm still going to wait to try
mine, just to be sure. You should wait too before eating anymore Stan,
STAN: Yeah yeah, you're right yeah, you're right, I should wait, yeah,
that's long enough
(He eats the rest of his berry, makes yummy
sounds. Kai walks to the passageway with his plant)
KAI: I will
retire to cryostasis while the Lexx seeks out a new planet. Wake me if you need
STAN: That's good, that is so good!
tucks her berry safely between her breasts)
STAN: Are you gonna -
XEV: Yeah. Just to be sure
(In the cryochamber, Kai puts his
plant on the cryopod control unit. He sets the controls, gets inside his
cryopod, which closes. The plant flutters its leaves)
(Later. Stan and
Xev are on the bridge)
STAN: So, I see you still haven't eaten your
(He reaches for it, but she turns
XEV: No. Why?
STAN: Well, see my berry was - you know, it
was OK at first, but after that it really didn't do too much for me at all, so -
I thought, that if you're not gonna eat yours maybe I should eat both, and see
if that makes a difference
(He tries to grab it
XEV: I didn't say I wasn't going to eat my Gelassa berry, I
said I wanted to wait and see what happened to you before I did
takes it out)
STAN: Nothing happened! So come on Xev, give it to
(She sniffs it, licks it)
you're not gonna eat it, not now, not later, it's just gonna spoil so come on,
hand it over
(He reaches for it again, but Xev pops it into her
mouth, smiles. Stan gets up on the pedestal, sulking)
STAN: Good, isn't it, huh?
(Stan smiles. Xev
makes yummy noises)
STAN: Yeah, see? Hey robot head, how long till
we reach that first planet?
790: 9 hours, 27 minutes. How long before you
impale yourself on a pike?
(Stan gives him a look)
had to ask
(Later. The Lexx passes a planet - it looks
dusty, with chunks of it missing)
STAN: I thought you said, and I
quote, it is a life bearing planet?!
790: It was. It just isn't
XEV: What happened?
790: I'm not sure, but I would calculate that
all life on the entire surface of the planet has been eaten clean away
Lyekka and her sisters
790: Very possibly
XEV: Well that is not so
(Stan gets down from the pedestal)
STAN: Now look
Xev, we don't know for sure that it was Lyekka and her sisters. Besides, even if
it was, this happened long before we worked things out with Lyekka. And it's in
their nature to eat planets, what else do you expect?
(Stan gets back up on the pedestal)
just move on to the next planet
(But the next planet is also grey and
XEV: 790, what's this planet?
790: It is called Criddock
14. It was highly advanced, certainly by Earth standards, and densely populated
with over 23 billion people
(Stan puts his hands over his
XEV: We should talk to Kai
790: No way! Stay off my turf,
STAN: Yeah, maybe we should
(Stan and Xev leave the
790: Tell him I miss him
(In the cryochamber, Kai
is standing by the cryopod control unit, singing to his plant)
If this should be our final stand
We will stand together with pride
will honour the past
And fight to the last
It will be a good way to
(Stan and Xev enter the cryochamber)
XEV: Kai, you're
KAI: Yes, I am. Is there a problem?
XEV: There is. We've been to
several planets now and each one we've been to has been all eaten up. All life
on them gone. We think Lyekka must have done it
KAI: Where are we
STAN: We're just leaving the planet Criddock 14. 790 said there used to
be billions of people on it
XEV: And now there's none. They must have died
XEV: (giggles) Really
STAN:(giggles) Eaten alive! What a way to go, ha ha! Poor
bastards! Yum yum
(Stan and Xev laugh. Kai looks at them,
KAI: Are you two - all right?
XEV: Better than those
STAN: That's OK Xev, see we still got time to die a worse death than
them, I mean we've come close a million times
XEV: No, a million and
STAN: A million and one! Who's counting? (laughs)
have never seen the two of you behave in this way
STAN: Well now that you
have, you're not gonna live to tell about it - 'cause you're already dead, get
it? Corpse man!
(Xev puts her hand on his shoulder to steady
XEV: Stanley, Stanley, Stanley
STAN: What, what, what,
XEV: I think it's those berries. They must be affecting our mood.
STAN: I think you're right
(They put their fingers to lips,
then laugh. They stand still, trying to be serious)
STAN: OK. All
right. What do we do about our latest desperate situation?
KAI: Perhaps you
should concentrate on pleasant matters until the effect passes
KAI: Like singing to my Yowratang plant, to see if it will open for
STAN: Hey, OK, OK, that's a great idea, I'll sing
the plant, starts to sing)
STAN: Stanley Tweedle is a god
warrior and a gent
STAN: Shh! We are not fit
to suck his feet
On dine on his excrement
All night we croon
light - Wake up!
XEV: Come on, come on, my turn
(She holds the
plant up high, sings)
XEV: I'm a Cluster lizard, and you smell so
STAN: Stanley, Stanley -
(Kai takes the plant back,
puts it on the cryopod control unit)
KAI: Allow me
(Kai sings, Stan and Xev listen - Xev snapping her
KAI: This moment will live on through time
ever asks why
The Brunnen G did not fall on their knees
You will know,
they found a good way to die
(The blue ball of the plant splits open.
Lots of pretty glittery lights)
XEV: That was really
STAN: Yeah. I love you guys
(He turns away to face the
cryopod, picking at it)
XEV: Oh Stan
STAN: I'm sorry, it's corny,
I know, I know, but you know we've just been through so much together and right
now - I just really care about you guys
XEV: Hey, no, it's not corny at all.
No, I feel the same way
(She strokes his butt)
(Stan and Xev look at Kai)
I am dead and do not feel as such, I am not without an appreciation of our
kinship. There is indeed a strong bond between us
(Later. All three
are lying on Xev's bed, with their heads together at the
XEV: I'm thinking that maybe the time has come for us to
develop a special relationship
STAN: Well hey, I'm all for that, when do we
XEV: Maybe sooner than you think
KAI: If Prince should ever fulfil
his promise to make me once again truly alive, I can envision that the thought
of making love with you Xev might actually become appealling
XEV: Wow. You
are very different tonight
(She kisses him on the
XEV: I'm suddenly really tired
STAN: Yeah, me too
As the next life bearing planet will not be reached for some time, I will return
to cryostasis. Goodnight to you both
STAN: Night Kai
XEV: Night Kai. Night Stanley
(Stan gets up on
his knees, leans over her)
STAN: Aw Xev, you know - I'd like to say
goodnight to you too but - but I really wanna stay
XEV: Oh Stan, it's been
such a perfect day
STAN: Exactly, exactly, exactly! And you and me and the
bed makes three, it'd be the perfect end to it, see, we've opened up so much to
each other - so let's stay open - even if it's just for tonight
sits up, her hand on Stan's shoulder)
XEV: Yes Stan. Make love to me
now. Kiss me
(Stan moves in for a kiss - and
XEV: Are you OK Stan?
(Stan clutches his
STAN: Oh my guts
XEV: Are you OK?
STAN: Oh, it's just
- this is bad (looks at Xev) Did you do something to me?
No, what are you talking about?
STAN: Oh nothing, nothing (gets up)
I better go lie on my own bed. It was a great day Xev. Goodnight
(Later. Xev is lying asleep on her bed - and hears Prince's
PRINCE: Xev. Xev. Xev
(Xev opens her eyes, sits up
- but there's no-one there)
XEV: Who's there?
XEV: Who is this?
PRINCE: (chuckles) Come to the cryochamber
(Xev gets up, walks along the passageway, hears his voice
PRINCE: (chuckles) Come to the cryochamber Xev. You
won't be disappointed. Come
(Xev goes into the cryochamber - which
seems to be more misty than usual)
(Prince suddenly stands up in front of her, dressed in
PRINCE: Hello, Xev
XEV: What are you doing
in here? Are you alive again?
PRINCE: Not as I was, hopefully not as I will
be, but I am making progress. I'm here to fulfil my agreement with Kai, to bring
him back to life again, should he defeat me in the game of chess
PRINCE: Yes, really
(Prince holds out his arm - and
Kai steps out from behind the cryopod - wearing a colourful Brunnen G costume,
XEV: You're alive
(Stan is asleep in his bed.
Xev rushes in and wakes him)
XEV: Wake up, wake up!
XEV: Relax, relax. I have wonderful news
STAN: Oh yeah?
(Kai walks in, smiling)
Really alive, look! Prince did it, yeah, he transformed him
Wow, well that's great! Did you say Prince, is he still here?
he vanished, but he made Kai come alive just like he said he would
wow. Came through on his promise, huh? Who woulda thought, huh? Well Kai, what
can I say? Welcome to the land of the living
KAI: I'm very glad to be here,
XEV: We all think that. Come on, get up! We have to celebrate
(Xev puts her arms around Kai. Stan holds his
STAN: Xev, I'd love to but I can't. My stomach is still
really tender here
XEV: Oh come on
STAN: I can't!
XEV: Well - suit
STAN: I'm sorry about that Kai. We'll pick up on the whoopee
later on, OK?
KAI: Oh I understand, Stanley. We've got plenty of
(Kai and Xev leave. Stan belches)
(Later. Stan is worse.
He gets out of bed, goes into the passageway - and hears Xev and
XEV: Are you kidding? We couldn't do that
KAI: Sure we
could. We can do anything we want now
XEV: But - aren't you forgetting
KAI: Not at all. Some things aren't meant to be shared with too
XEV: Well, aren't you just the smart one?
Stan looks into the galley. Kai and Xev are sitting holding hands, but let go
when they see Stan)
KAI: Hi Stan
you feeling better?
STAN: No, actually I was just on my way to the toilet to
see if I can throw up
XEV: Oh, poor Stan
KAI Sorry to hear it
what were you guys talking about?
XEV: Everything. Anything. Nothing
STAN: I thought I heard you planning something
Nope. Not us. We're just all still sort of in shock that Kai's alive
STAN: Hmm, yeah, big news, yeah
KAI: Things are gonna be different
now Stanley - all in good ways
STAN: Yeah, yeah, I'm sure they will (his
stomach gurgles) I gotta go
XEV: Take care
(Stan goes out into the passageway - and hears
PRINCE: Sore tummy, Stanley?
STAN: Well yes
(Prince is behind him, blows on the back of his neck. Stan
STAN: Prince. What are you doing here?
not really here Stanley. I'm - a reflection
STAN: Whatever. What do you
PRINCE: I'm here to warn you, Stanley
STAN: I didn't know you cared.
Warn me about what?
PRINCE: About your crew. Xev, specifically. When I
brought Kai back to life I noticed an immediate change in her. Oh, now don't get
me wrong, she's happy with this new development, although I sense rather less so
with the new status quo, if you know what I mean (whispering in Stan's
STAN: No, I don't know what you mean
PRINCE: I believe, that she's beginning to think that
three is a crowd. And that means that she may have something in store for you,
which is rather less than pleasant
STAN: That's ridiculous. Why should Xev
turn on me just because Kai is suddenly breathing?
(Prince puts his
arm around Stan's shoulder)
PRINCE: Sometimes people act on reason.
Sometimes people act on impulse. Sometimes impulse comes from a very dark
STAN: Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah! Prince, you're evil and
you're slippery and I'm not listening to you. Just, just beat it will ya, I've
got some puking to do
PRINCE: Very well Stanley. I can see that you're secure
in your relationship with Xev, so there's no problem. And that means that she
has no designs on you - such as procuring the key to the Lexx, for
STAN: Look, just, just beat it will ya?!
(He turns. Prince
(Later. Stan is coming back from the toilet, and hears Xev and
XEV: Did you see the look on his face?
KAI: I try not
to look at his face
XEV: You're so cruel
KAI: Anyway, it doesn't matter.
He lives in a continuum. He does not anticipate the future or contemplate the
past. He'll never see you coming - but I'll see you coming
XEV: How about
KAI: I think that can be arranged
(There are moans, gasps. Stan steps into Xev's bedchamber - but
she's asleep, alone)
STAN: Yeah, right
(He leaves - then
there are footsteps in the room. Kai's tunic falls onto Xev's bed. He lifts the
sheet off Xev)
KAI: You are so beautiful. I have been
waiting for this for thousands of years
XEV: Me too
(They kiss -
and then he stops, sits up)
XEV: What's wrong?
KAI: I'm sorry,
it's just -
XEV: Just what? Am I doing anything wrong?
KAI: Oh no, of
course not. You're - amazing, it's just - I don't know. I think my
transformation left me exhausted. I need to rest before we can do this
XEV: I understand. Just lay down and close your eyes, and take all
the time you need
KAI: Thank you, but I think I need to sleep
(He picks up his clothes)
XEV: But -
be back (kisses her cheek) and I'll be ready
(He leaves. Xev
sighs, lies back on the bed, closes her eyes - and Prince appears at her
bedside. He slowly kisses her hair, ear, face, neck. Xev smiles, opens her eyes
- and gasps. She scrambles up onto her knees)
XEV: You! What are you
doing here, get out!
PRINCE: I didn't mean to disturb you Xev. I merely
wanted to know if you were happy now that Kai has real blood coursing through
(He grins. Xev leans towards him)
course I'm happy - but I'll be happier still when your flesh is truly dead and
PRINCE: You two have a great future together - provided of course
there's no interference
PRINCE: Stanley. How will he
take this new dynamic?
(He grins, ducks down the side of the bed, and
XEV: What do you mean by that? What do you mean by
(Xev goes for a shower. She hears laughter and turns quickly
(hands over her breasts). There is no-one there. Then she hears Stan and
STAN: Well she couldn't have been too happy about that
Not happy at all
STAN: Still, it's a good policy to keep her off
KAI: It worked for me - or rather, should I say it works for
STAN: Well, seeing as how you put it that way - (laughs)
gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around her, goes out into the
XEV: Stan? Kai?
(She turns - Stan is
XEV: Where is Kai?
STAN: I don't know, you tell me
I heard you two talking just now
STAN: What?! I haven't seen Kai for hours.
And my guts started acting up again, so I was just on my way to the toilet again
XEV: I heard you - Kai was with you and you were talking - about
STAN: Kai wasn't with me. We weren't talking about you. Anyway, it seems
to me that you're the one who's spending a lot of time with him lately, a lot of
very private time!
XEV: What are you saying?
STAN: What I'm saying, is
that I heard the two of you talking about me, and I know exactly what you're up
XEV: Talking about you when?
STAN: Earlier! In the gallery, and then in
XEV: Ha! You have a very powerful imagination, Stan
STAN: Oh, do
I? Well I just happened to run into somebody who told me exactly what you're
after, namely the key to the Lexx
XEV: Oh really, and who was that?
XEV: Somebody. Somebody named Prince?
STAN: Maybe, maybe
XEV: Oh yeah. And you trusted him?
STAN: Yeah, about as much as I
XEV: Oh, thank you!
STAN: (thinks) No. No, I don't
trust Prince. No, that'd be a mistake, that'd be a really big mistake
agree. So Kai wasn't with you?
STAN: No. We're hearing things
cryochamber. Kai is lying on his back near the cryopod control unit. Xev walks
XEV: There you are. Not sleeping?
KAI: No. I couldn't
I was just in the shower a few minutes ago, and I thought I heard you and Stan
talking outside in the passageway
KAI: We were
(Xev sits down
XEV: You were? But then - why did Stan lie about
KAI: Did he? Strange. I can't imagine why
XEV: What did you talk
KAI: Nothing important. Why do you ask?
XEV: I just - never mind. I
can deal with that later. You said you weren't sleepy - and neither am
(She leans over to kiss him, but he sits up)
Xev. I'm still not ready
XEV: But -
KAI: I need a little more
XEV: We've waited three thousand years already
KAI: I know! But I
need to think some things through
XEV: What things?
KAI: I'll be along
soon - I promise
XEV: I don't
(Stan is in a passageway - very misty)
Oh, I'm glad that's over with
(Cluster lizard Xev rolls in front of
him, screeching. He stops, walks on - and she rolls behind
STAN: Xev? What are you doing? Xev?
(He carries on,
and she rolls in front of him, just missing him. She bounces off walls, and
STAN: If you think you're being amusing, you're not!
Just cut it out!
(There's the sound of an evil laugh. Stan walks onto
the bridge. Kai is sitting on the pedestal, 790 is still tied
STAN: There you are. OK, where's Xev?
790: I have no idea
where the love slut is, and I don't care
STAN: I wasn't talking to
790: Then who?
STAN: Well, who do you think?!
point of view, there is no Kai. Stan is talking to an empty
STAN: Look, so where is she? She was rolling behind me like a
Cluster lizard, trying to scare me
KAI: That is certainly odd behaviour. The
Cluster lizards are unpredictable carnivores after all. I hope this doesn't
imply that she's becoming dangerous
STAN: Well yeah, you and me both
790: Stanley, I know you've always been a retard but you're outdoing
yourself this time
KAI: I'll have a look for her myself
STAN: Yeah, well if you find her before I do, you tell her
that Stanley H Tweedle is not amused!
(Xev walks onto the
STAN: You! What do you mean by trying to scare
XEV: Don't be stupid. Why did you lie to me?
STAN: Lie to you? Lie to
you about what?
XEV: About talking to Kai outside the shower
STAN: I was
not talking to Kai outside the shower - and why were you rolling by me like a
Cluster lizard, trying to scare me and then laughing about it?
XEV: What are
you talking about?
STAN: Oh, you know exactly what I'm talking
(Xev pushes him)
XEV: I don't know what you're up
to Stanley Tweedle but you will not get away with it, you hear me?
not the one who's up to something. I don't know what you've suddenly got against
me Xev but whatever it is I am not gonna let you push me around
pushes Xev - she pushes back)
XEV: But I am going to push you
around, in fact maybe I should push you right off the bridge!
XEV: Oh, shut up robot head. I've got my eye on you
points at Stan, then walks away)
Yeah, exactly! (stomach gurgles) Oh, not again (belch) What's
happening to me?
790: Maybe Xev poisoned you Stanley
STAN: Oh, you're
nuts, you bucket of -
790: The way you two are fighting? The way she's been
plotting against you?
STAN: (belch) You're completely
(Xev is asleep on her bed - hears Stan's
STAN: Xev, pretty Xev. Xev is gonna die. Torn open, ripped
apart! See the blood flow, the life drain out, Xev will die, die,
(Xev wakes up - no-one there. She gets up and goes to Stan's
bedchamber. He is asleep. She grabs him by the throat)
XEV: It won't
STAN: What, what?!
XEV: Coming into my room, whispering about me
being dead. Don't do it Stan
STAN: I didn't do anything. I wasn't in your
XEV: Yes you were. Next time I will kill you, do you understand? I will
(She lets go, leaves. Stan gasps, rubs his
STAN: Is she crazy?
(Xev is walking along a
passageway - Kai steps out behind her)
KAI: He's jealous. That's why
he's behaving so strangely. Stan feels threatened now that I am alive, he knows
he'll never have you, and I fear he may try to harm you because of it
Prince was telling the truth for once. Well then I should harm him first - or
maybe you should
KAI: If it comes to that, I will
(Kai turns to go)
XEV: Oh, don't go. Don't you think
it's time to give him something to be jealous about?
KAI: Almost, but not
(Kai leaves. Xev sighs)
(Stan is asleep in his bed. He
hears Xev's voice)
XEV: Two can play the game of murder, the game of
violent death. Two can play, Stanley - but only one can win! The other dies. The
other dies. Stan dies!
(Stan wakes up - with bite marks in his
STAN: Ah! She bit me. That stupid - she bit me! That is
(Stan gets up, goes to Xev's bedchamber)
Cluster lizard. You bit me
(Xev is lying on her bed, a sheet covering
STAN: Wake up and tell me why you bit me
pulls back the sheet - it isn't Xev underneath, but a strange robot Xev, with
scratches on its face. It looks at him. Stan turns it over, shocked - and jumps
back as Kai appears behind him)
KAI: She's toying with you. I
suspect it may be the sadistic side of her lizard nature coming to the fore.
Something in her changed when I came back to life. She became possessive,
fiercely so. It's twisting her. I fear she wants to get rid of you and steal the
STAN: So Prince was right, that is what she's trying to do. Well, you're
not gonna let that happen, are ya Kai?
KAI: Not if I can stop her Stanley,
but she has unnatural strength, and I no longer do
STAN: OK just, just stick
with me OK Kai, protect me
KAI: Sure Stanley - I will
to the passageway, looks out. When he looks back, Kai has
(Stan walks onto the
790: Security guard
STAN: Was Xev
790: As a matter of fact, she was. She was here a few minutes ago,
looking for a weapon
STAN: She was, why?
790: I don't know
just yanking my chain
790: If you say so
STAN: Oh Xev? Xev?
(Stan leaves. 790 chuckles)
(Stan goes into the
STAN: Xev, are you in here?
(He sees a cake by
the nozzle, picks it up)
STAN: Oh, excellent - just when I was
getting really hungry
NOZZLE: I wouldn't do that if I were you
Who said that?
(The nozzle is talking - clear fluid trickling from
it, rather than the usual green Lexx goo)
NOZZLE: I did. She
poisoned it, just like she did to your berry earlier. Why do you think your guts
are going so crazy?
STAN: Crazy, you want crazy? You're a nozzle
So are you. Can't you see what she's doing here? She's trying to kill you,
STAN: Oh yeah? When did Xev ever have a chance to poison my berry,
NOZZLE: When you weren't looking, dummy. Listen pal, it's crunch time.
The bitch has your number Stan, and it's the number dead! Now, are you going to
do something about it?
STAN: You're just a nozzle, why should I listen to
NOZZLE: Because I'm the one who can show you what your future looks like
if you don't!
(The nozzle spews red liquid onto the floor. Stan drops
the cake and runs)
(Xev walks onto the bridge)
XEV: 790, have
you seen Stan?
790: I have. He was here a few minutes ago, looking for a
XEV: He was? Why?
790: I don't know
(Xev hears Kai
scream, and runs from the bridge. 790 chuckles)
(Xev finds Kai in the
passageway, with blood on his hand from a cut on his shoulder)
Kai, what happened?
KAI: Stan did this to me - stabbed me and ran off. He's
XEV: Let me help you
KAI: No no, I'll be OK - but you have
to protect yourself. Go and find some weapons
KAI: I don't
know! Find some!
XEV: All right
(Stan is running down a
passageway, pauses for breath)
LEXX: Kill her, Stan - for
STAN: Oh, Lexx. Lexx old buddy. I'm glad to know you're on my
LEXX: I have always been on your side Stan. I always. It's me and you
Stan, you and me. Don't let the love slave cow steal the key. Kill her. Chop her
up into little pieces
STAN: Yes. Yes, I intend to do just that! Oh yes
LEXX: Why don't you use that little axe over
(An axe is stuck in the wall - looks like something left over
STAN: Good idea, Lexx old pal
(Stan takes the
(Xev is walking along a passageway. She has also found a weapon,
some sort of pike. She hears Stan)
STAN: Come on, love slave. I'm
ready for you - are you ready for me?
XEV: You better believe
(She sees Stan in the passageway ahead of her - his head suddenly
STAN: The bigger the head the better
XEV: You can't
(The huge-headed Stan runs around a corner. Xev follows,
(Elsewhere, Stan is walking down a passageway. Light shines in
his eyes, and he tries to shoo it away with his axe. He hears the shower, and
walks in. Kai and Xev are in the shower together, all over each other. Stan
stops, lowers his axe. They look at him)
KAI: Join the party,
XEV: Time for you to get wet!
(They waggle really long
tongues. Stan turns away. When he looks back, they are gone)
(Xev is in a
passageway, hears moans)
(She goes into
Stan's bedchamber. Someone is wriggling around under the sheets. Stan sits up,
smiling. He pulls the sheets up to reveal Kai's head at the other end of the
STAN: We'd ask you to join us, but tonight's not amateur
KAI: I like to bed people who know what they're doing - not like you.
You don't have a clue how to please a man!
(Stan and Kai laugh. Xev
looks shocked, hurt)
STAN: Stick around, you might learn
(He laughs, then pulls sheets back over them. Xev looks
away, looks back - and the bed is empty. She runs out)
(Stan goes onto
STAN: Where is she?
790: Lying in wait. She came by
and said she had laid a trap for you that you're sure to fall into. She was
foaming at the mouth, talking in lurid detail about how she's going to kill you
- slowly, torturously
STAN: Oh yeah?
(Xev appears on the view
screen - eyes red, voice distorted. The lights on the bridge are flickering. 790
can only see stars on the view screen)
XEV: Die, you pathetic excuse
for a captain! Find me and kill me if you can. This hunt is nearly over. Soon
I'll be cutting you up like the pig you are
STAN: Well, I've got two words
for you space lizard - good luck! Because I'm gonna find you Xev, and I am gonna
kill you, oh yes - and I'm gonna take my time, and I'm gonna really really enjoy
it, and every time you scream (licks axe) I'm gonna laugh! Yeah, I'm
gonna win, you hear that? Captain Stan is going to win!
(Stan turns, sees Prince standing in the
PRINCE: Over here, Xev went this way,
(Prince leaves, Stan follows)
(Xev is in a
passageway, and suddenly sees Vlad, dancing with Kai)
XEV: No, Kai - get away from her
(But they carry on
KAI: I can't. She's such a marvellous dancer
No, this is a set-up
VLAD: Actually, it's a pas de deux
twirls away from her)
VLAD: Compliments of Stan
fires her impaler into Kai. He falls. Xev screams and runs to
(Vlad blows a kiss, slips away. Prince
PRINCE: I'd say that definitely calls for
(Prince leaves. Xev grabs her pike and runs onto the
XEV: Where is he?
790: Lying in wait. He came by and said
that he had laid a trap for you that you're sure to fall into. He was foaming at
the mouth, talking in lurid detail about how he was going to kill you - slowly,
XEV: Oh yeah?
STAN: Ah, there you are
on the view screen - covered in blood, licking his axe)
what are you doing?
STAN: Practising. You know, murder up close and
personal is really easy once you get used to it. Can't wait to try it out on
XEV: Oh yeah? Hang onto that dream, because it's going to become a
nightmare once I find you. I'm far better at killing than you are, you know
that. Besides, only one of us is going to come out of this alive Stan, and that
one is me! I'm going to feel good watching the life drain out of your
(Stan is behind her)
STAN: Well let's get started.
Are you ready to die?
XEV: Are you?
(They chase each other around
STAN: Well one of us is gonna die, that's for
XEV: I agree
790: So come on already! Stop chattering and start
STAN: There's no way I'm gonna let you take the key from me
I don't want it! I'm killing you because you're jealous and out of
STAN: Jealous and out of control? Oh no no, I'm just getting you
before you get me
XEV: No you aren't, because that's what I'm doing
Don't give me that! You're the attacker here. You bit me, you tried to poison me
- I'm the victim, you know? At least, that was your plan
XEV: You're crazy!
You've been trying to kill me ever since - ever since Kai came back to
STAN: You liar! I've been on to your schemes from the beginning
Your sick schemes!
790: Cut the conversation, cut some throats!
started this, and I have to finish it!
STAN: Oh no, you started it
XEV: Well - we can't both have started it,
(They both think about this)
XEV: Stan - do you
think maybe something - something is affecting us? or someone?
what do you mean, who?
XEV: I don't know. Something doesn't feel right here.
Maybe it's those berries
STAN: Well, I don't know
790: What simpering cack
is this? It's laughter time!
XEV: Maybe we should start putting our weapons
down, just for a minute, huh?
STAN: I know - just to see how it
XEV: Uh huh
STAN: Together? Huh?
(They slowly lower
XEV: Feels good so far
STAN: So far so good. Bit
XEV: Yeah, me too
(And then Xev sees Kai standing behind
KAI: Don't do it, it's a ploy. He'll kill you
Stan sees Kai standing behind Xev)
KAI: Don't do it, it's a ploy.
She'll kill you
(Both Kais vanish. Stan and Xev stand up, weapons
STAN: Oh nice try!
XEV: Oh nice try!
off the bridge. Xev chases after him)
790: Now we're
(Xev catches up with Stan in the
STAN: Die, you double crossing whore!
XEV: Die, you
(She knocks Stan's axe away. Stan falls to the floor,
bumping into the cryopod control unit, which is covered in vines. Kai's cryopod
opens. Xev aims her pike at Stan)
XEV: What do you
mean, stop? You just told me to kill him
KAI: I did no such thing
you did, just now on the bridge
(Normal dead Kai gets out of his
KAI: I have been in my cryopod since Stan ate Lyekka's
XEV: What? (looks at Kai) Well, I don't know what kind of deal
you made to get Kai on your side Tweedle but I can see right through it. You die
(She lunges at Stan, but Kai takes the pike away from
STAN: Thanks Kai
(Stan pulls a small knife from his
STAN: Now I'm gonna kill her, like you told me to
did not tell you to kill Xev
STAN: Yes you did
KAI: I did not
(Kai takes the knife away from him. Stan looks
(Later, in the cryochamber. Kai disconnects a sensor from Xev,
switches off the protein regenerator)
KAI: You're both clean. The
Gelassa berries were not what they seemed, just as the Yowratang plant left for
me was misrepresented
(He looks at the cryopod control
XEV: How did it get in there?
STAN: Well - looks like it
grew in there
KAI: Its roots have penetrated the cryopod control unit and
destroyed many of its functions
STAN: Well can you fix it, will you be able
to freeze yourself?
KAI: No. None of us will
(They all go onto the
STAN: You, you - !
XEV: 790, you saw what was happening
all along! Why didn't you try to stop us?
STAN: Yeah, instead of egging us
790: You really have to ask?
STAN: Ah, shut up
Lyekka intended to eliminate us by having us destroy each other
means she lied to us and she's probably gonna eat the whole Earth and not just
STAN: Oh, Lyekka, Lyekka, Lyekka
XEV: Which means we have to go back
STAN: Whoa, no no no no. Forget about Earth. We are gonna find a new
planet - and I don't care how long it takes
(He gets up onto the
KAI: You can do that, but it will be without me
KAI: If I cannot be frozen, I can only remain animated until I am out of
protoblood, which will not be long
XEV: How long?
STAN: How long?
Days - or a few weeks at best
(790 wails. Stan gets down and kicks
© Filking Fairy
© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana